Looking Back
by WIWJ
Summary: The last in my trilagy. Three years from Getting Back There. Getting Sam elected never seemed this complicated. time passes people move on.
1. Someday

Three years after "Getting Back There."

**Someday

* * *

**

_How the hell did we wind up like this?  
Why weren't we able, to see the signs that we missed  
And try turn the tables _

_Nothings wrong, just as long as  
You know that someday I will _

* * *

**(Present)**

"We're loosing in California." Ainsley looked at the map with Josh like intensity.

"Ainsley it's January." Toby rubbed his face and looked at his beer.

"Yes. And we're loosing California."

"I'm from California." Sam said looking up from his laptop in surprise.

"Very good Spanky. Someone should get you elected president." CJ muttered from behind her pile of files. "Idiot."

"What's with her?" Sam asked.

"I'm forty four years old, ten weeks pregnant and running an election that is losing California. What the hell do you think is wrong with me?"

Sam starred at her wordlessly for a moment before turning back towards Deanna and Charlie who were sitting by the door.

"Still nothing from Josh?" He asked. Charlie shook his head.

"Where's Josh?" Ainsley asked.

"Trying to calm the Israelis down." Deanna told her remorsefully.

"What's wrong with the Israelis?" CJ asked turning towards her husband .

"They're tearing apart Gaza looking for a captured solider."

"So, '_Mr. We need to kill them' _is trying to save Gaza?" She blinked.

"Yeah." Sam sighed looking at his watch. It was three am. Charlie stood up and walked into the kitchen.

"He's in the sit-room?" CJ shivered remembering how much she hated the situation room.

"Yeah." Sam mumbled holding out his hand as Charlie walked back in and dropped an ibuprofen into it.

"He's going to be a pain in the ass when he gets back." Toby moaned looking around the Lyman's cluttered Dinning room. "Where's Donna?"

"Propped against the wall of the situation room?" Ainsley guessed her fingers tracing over California.

"Yeah." Toby sighed.

* * *

_I wish you'd unclench your fists, and unpack your suitcase  
Lately there's been too much of this  
But don't think it's too late  
Someday, somehow  
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now  
I know you're wondering when  
(You're the only one who knows that)  
Someday, somehow  
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now  
I know you're wondering when_

* * *

Donna stood up when the Secret Service radio crackled, bracing her self against the wall. As the Secretary of Defense filed out with the President.

Josh was still staring at the map of Gaza. She watched him smash down what was left of his hair with his palm before grabbing his backpack and turning around.

He froze when he saw her standing there, her lower lip caught firmly between her front teeth. They silently held there positions as everyone filled out and up the stairs. He looked at her as she stepped forward. Donna pulled him to her, feeling the weight of his bag slide down his arm to the floor.

"You get him out?" She whispered feeling him nod against her shoulder as his arms snaked up her back and wound around her tightly. "You okay?"

"It's hard to forget it exists when they keep bombing it." He murmured pulling back to look at her. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine Joshua." She told him, drawing his hand down her chest to her thigh and holding it there. "I'm fine."

He pressed back into her, she rubbed his head with her fingers as he closed his eyes and tried to block out the reminding mantra he'd been chanting in his head.

**_Don't bomb Gaza don't bomb Gaza don't bomb Gaza.

* * *

__Well I'd hope that since we're here anyway  
That we could end up saying  
Things we've always needed to say  
So we could end up staying  
Now the story's played out like this  
Just like a paperback novel  
Let's rewrite an ending that fits  
Instead of a Hollywood_ _horror_**

* * *

**_(three years earlier)_**

"_..I thought she was dead when I saw her." _

Josh watched the woman wipe her eyes, pressing pause as the picture changed. He studied the new image. His wife lying in the twisted metal. Secret Service running. Andi screaming, the woman from the last clip holding her back. Donna was lying there, and that son of a bitch Heathcliff was taking pictures. Son of a Bitch.

The phone rang and he answered it without looking away from the screen. He knew who it would be. He knew that it was airing now in LA.

"CJ." It was CJ who was there with him. CJ who had reached out to him when he found out she was in the car.

"Oh my God Josh." He was certain she was shaking her head.

"Yeah." He breathed.

"She's okay?" _Nope not at all_. He thought.

"She's having nightmares." Josh rubbed the back of his neck.

"I can't believe you let her watch it." His friend sighed.

"She was pretty damn persuasive CJ." He growled.

"Sorry." She whispered.

"No.. I-. You're right. I almost played the pregnancy card. I should have played the-." He let his voice trail off.

"Josh?" She sounded like she'd just realized something profound. "It's one thirty there."

"Yeah."

"You're not going in tomorrow morning?"

"Nah, not till noon."

"Why are you up?"

"I.. I recorded it." He admitted reluctantly.

"So you're sitting in the dark torturing yourself with it?"

"Pretty much." He raised his eyebrows at her deduction.

"Go to bed Josh." She ordered.

"Yeah." He sighed.

"Tell her we love her?" CJ almost sounded like she was pleading.

"I will. Goodnight CJ."

"Night Josh." He hung up the phone and looked at the screen before backing up the disk again.

"_All I could think was they were dead."_ Andi claps her hand over her mouth for a second and shakes her head. "_They were my colleges. Donna Moss was a friend. And they were dead._"

The picture changes to the other woman. The caption beneath her says Janis Myer: Personal aid to Senator Delmore.

"_The car was almost unrecognizable. You couldn't have told someone what it looked like. Everyone inside was clearly dead. But then you saw her. She was just lying there, half in and half out of the car, completely still. I thought she was dead when I saw her."_

He hears Andi screaming on the secret service tape. He recognizes her voice over the rest of the noise, hears her calling Donna's name at the top of her lungs.

He hears the panicked voices of the always calm agents and he remembers Roslyn. They were panicked at Roslyn. After the shooting stopped and procedure had been followed...

His brain returned to the screen. The image of Donna has faded. He followed several clips until he sees himself frantically running through the airport flashing his white house ID.

He knew he looked like hell. He remembered the way it felt. Rushing to her, pleading, praying and having to get there.

"_I remember talking to him. Trying to get him through security as fast as possible. He was glazed over. He had no idea I was even there. I wasn't surprised at all when they got married."_ The airport employee laughs. "_He was clearly a man in love._"

Her soft cry from the bedroom got his attention and he turned off the DVR and hurried to her.

"Shh.." He soothed sitting on the edge of the bed and taking her face in his hands. "Donnatella, open your eyes." His voice was calmer than he felt. She'd done this numerous times for him. This was the first night he'd ever returned the favor.

"Don't get in the car." She cried as her eyes shoot open and she jolts into his arms. "Josh! Don't get-."

"You're safe." He told her for the third time that night. "We're safe. There's no car."

"I shouldn't have watched it." She cried, pressing her body into his. "I shouldn't have-."

"Shh.. It's over now. It's over. You're okay."

"I want to forget."

He wanted to tell her she would, but he knew it was a lie.

"So do I. I want to forget the whole damn region even exists." He felt her grin against his shoulder. "I am the second most powerful man in the world you know. I could probably mandate something."

"Mandate the nonexistence of Gaza?" She rolls her eyes pulling back from him.

"Sure." He kissed her forehead.

"Get on that will you?" She tells him taking a deep breath to calm herself.

"Remind me on Monday."

* * *

_Nothing's wrong, just as long as  
You know that someday I will_

Someday, somehow  
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now  
I know you're wondering when  
(You're the only one who knows that)

* * *

**(Present)**

"I need sleep." He muttered.

Our house is headquarters for Seaborn for President." She reminded him.

"Let's sleep in my office." the words were muffled from her shoulder.

"Mines bigger." She teased.

"Sure kick me while I'm down." He smirked.

"I could call them and tell them to go home." She suggested knowing his reply.

"Nah. We're loosing California." He picked up his backpack before taking her hand in his and starting up the stairs.

* * *

_  
I know you're wondering when  
(You're the only one who knows that)  
I know you're wondering when_


	2. Runaway train

**AN I'm sorry if you thought the WVWP was a past threat. There will be more about the documentary.. about what's been happening with the WVWP.. more more more info.. **

**Please stay with me. It's going to get ugly but I promise I'll make it all nice in the end. I need lots of reviews on this story. Just to keep it on track. Humor me please.. **

**Lori

* * *

**

**Runaway Train **

_Call you up in the middle of the night  
Like a firefly without a light  
You were there like a blowtorch burning  
I was a key that could use a little turning

* * *

_

**(Present)**

"Joshua?" Donna grabbed her phone off the hotel table before it could wake Ainsley who was passed out cold on the other double bed.

"I think we messed up the Chicago thing. We should have gone the southern routes." He muttered trying to force the key into the lock of their front door.

"No we didn't. He'll make a sweep of the Southern Illinois Universities and Colleges when it's closer to November. They're not even in school now." She listen to him grunt as the keys jingled out of his hand and onto the floor.

"But we'll have to advertise there now." He moaned, she listened to him bend over.

"Bend at the knee's Josh." She reminded.

"I'll drop your son, Donna." He grunted again, she heard him grab the keys.

"You're not going to be able to walk tomorrow." She murmured.

"I was thinking of getting one of those 'Hover Rounds'." He smirked. "Have you seen the commercials? Those things take corners better than I do on my feet."

"Are you limping worse than when I left?" Donna frowned into the receiver.

"I'm alright." He hedged.

"I'm coming home tomorrow." She decided tossing the covers back and jumping out of the bed.

"I'm fine Donna. Helen gave you till Friday and the campaign needs you out there." Donna held her breath as he cursed under his at the jingling keys and shifted Noah to his other shoulder.

"Josh turn it to the left." She said softly, waiting until she heard the click of the lock. " The Chief of Staff wants me on the road, but my husband's saying heneeds me in Washington." She pressed her lips together when she heard how slowly he was doing the steps to Noah's room.

"It'ssix more months, Baby." He whispered somewhat breathlessly as he laid Noah on the bed and kissed his head. "I can hold outsix more months."

"Why didn't you let Nick carry the kids in?" She whispered.

"I can still carry the kids in." He muttered somewhat sadly.

"He could have at least opened the door." She bit her lip.

"He opened the outer one and I sent him home.Dave offered to help I said no." He explained, she listened to him lift Joanie out of the stroller.

"Josh please put her on our bed." Donna closed her eyes, flopping into the chair at the desk.

"I was planning on it." He was smirking again. She pulled up her travel site and started clicking through the flights to Washington.

"What times the speech tomorrow?" She asked nonchalantly.

"Twelve fifteen." He told her. "You got mail."

"Humm?" She put herself on the eleven thirty arrival.

"You're monthly letter from the Dumb-land Protestant Church requesting you leave your dirty Jew of a husband and come back to the fold." He muttered.

"Save that one for me." She teased.

"Two letters from papers requesting you do your yearly what it's like to be the salvation project of the West Virgina White Pride interviews." He continued.

"How many did you get?" She asked pretending to be hurt.

"Are you jealous that your husband is the family media darling?" He teased.

"For ten years they hate you. You make one speech and suddenly you're on Barbra Walters list of favorite interviews." She complained, confirming her flight.

"Ahh. I love your jealousy. It's like medicine." He grinned. She frowned, being reminded of his current state.

"Are you taking the anti-inflammatories?" She asked warily.

"Donna." He sighed.

"You have to take them Josh! They'll help." She'd gone into boss mode.

"I'm taking them. It's just arthritis, Donna. We've known since Roslyn it was going to happen at some point. I'm taking them. I'm taking the Alive. I'm-."

"Alleve . It's called Alleve, Josh." She closed her eyes.

"That too." He sighed again. "It's okay."

"I'm sick of campaigning." She whined.

"I know." He told her soothingly.

"I don't want to be away from you and the kids." She swallowed hard to keep from crying.

"I know." He took a slow breath. "Donna don't cry."

"I wanna make sure you're taking the four hundred pills a day that they want you to take.." She sniffed.

"I know you do." His voice lulled her. "You'll put them in a little custard dish next to the orange juice you'll make me drink."

"I love you." She stopped trying not to cry.

"I know." He sighed hard. "Six more months. You'll be home on Friday."

"Actually, I'll be home tomorrow." She whimpered sheepishly."I put myself on the business-person's lunch meeting special."

"What am I going to do with you?" She could hear him shaking his head

"Take me to dinner?"

"Deal."

"Go to sleep Josh. Promise me you'll get some sleep." She pleaded.

"I'm going right now."

* * *

_So tired that I couldn't even sleep  
So many secrets I couldn't keep  
I promised myself I wouldn't weep  
One more promise I couldn't keep_

_It seems no one can help me now,  
I'm in too deep; theres no way out  
This time I have really led myself astray

* * *

_

He looked at himself in the bathroom mirror before dragging the razor across his face. He'd lied to his wife four hours ago. He knew there was no way he'd be able to sleep. Now he'd get ready, pour cereal for the kids and pull them out of there beds. He should have left them in the East Wing last night like Helen had told him too. He didn't even understand this annoying need he had to pretend that he was capable of doing everything right now.

He looked like Leo. He decided looking at his ashy completion and thinning hair in the mirror. Another day of running the country. Another day of being CJ's shadow campaign manager. Another day of being the almost never home father to his children. Another day of not being there when his wife cried. When had it become this?

"Get Sam elected." He told himself in the mirror, holding up a finger. "Get Santos through the last two months." He rubbed his face before shooting up another digit. "Then get Donna and the kids the hell out of DC before it kills me." He looked into his own eyes for a few moments, then back down at the three physical reminders of his list. "And if you'll buy that..."

* * *

_Runaway train, never going back  
Wrong way on a one-way track  
Seems like I should be getting somewhere  
Somehow I'm neither here nor there_

_Can you help me remember how to smile?  
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile  
How on earth did I get so jaded?  
Life's mystery seems so faded

* * *

_

"Damn DC! Damn people! Damn government!" Donna ran her hands through her blond hair before burring her face in them. "Move People!"

Ana lifted and inquiring eyebrow at her.

"Don't start." She snapped. "I'm an absentee mother." She shook her head. "My husband is in the middle of a mid life crisis and I'm in Omaha, because 'Hey! Nebraska was important in the last election.' My boss.. you know my actual boss? The First Lady of The United States? Has been reduced to playing Nanny to my children who have undoubtedly forgotten what I look like, since I am.. as previously stated... an absentee mother!"

She slammed her eyes shut as the car finally made it through the crowd and into the White House gate. She vaulted over her agent and forced herself out of the car and into the lobby.

Where she ran smack into her husband.

"Don't I know you?" He said seductively.

"You're late." She muttered somewhat weakly, letting his strong arms snake up her back.

"It's good to see you too, Donnatella." He laughed.

"I'll walk over with you." She said softly as he slowly relinquished his hold on her.

"I'm taking a car. It's kinda rainy." He told her, holding her eyes for a moment. "Sam just left a few minutes ago it won't start before one. Go see your kids."

"They're.."

"With Saundra in the residence." He grinned leaning in and pecking her on the lips. "Like they are every Tuesday after lunch?"

"Sure rub it in." She pressed her head against his shoulder before breaking away.

"After the speech I'll welcome you home less publicly." He gestured around him and got into the car with Nick.

If she would have had any idea she would have kissed him goodbye.

* * *

_I can go where no one else can go  
I know what no one else knows  
Here I am just a-drownin' in the rain  
With a ticket for a runaway train _

And everything seems cut and dried,  
Day and night, earth and sky,  
Somehow I just don't believe it

* * *

It was close to one when she left the White House with her assistant back at her side and the entourage of agents around her she convinced them all to let her walk, despite the crowds, and the light rain, to the Capital.

In a 'boundary bubble' as Abbey Bartlett had irritatedly referred to the way they made a small circle to keep the public away.

They were about half way when it happened.

Donna saw the way the woman's eyes widened when she saw her.

"She's supposed to be in Omaha!" She muttered looking back at the man she was with. "You said she was in Omaha!"

The man took her roughly by the shoulders. The agents had started their protective stance around her as the woman attempted to pull away.

"Donna! Donna! Don't go to the Capital!" She screamed at the top of her lungs as the man moved her through the crowd. Ana put her hand on her back. "She's not supposed to be there! She's not supposed to-! Don't go to the Capital!"

"Josh." She breathed the word out like it was her last breath. Turning to Ana with wide eyes.

"Alpha this is Fox. Alpha this is Fox! CODE FIVE. CODE FIVE." Ana yelled into the cuff of her blouse. "Donna!" She made one final attempt to grab her charge as she broke away and started running through the crowd. "Chicken Fighters on the move. I'm in pursuit!" She yelled charging after Donna who had fled into the crowd.

She could see the podium. She couldn't make out who was who. She could see the agents moving around the crowd.

Ana grabbed her from behind as another agent circled in front of her and started pushing her back away from the Capital. Then she heard the shots, as both agents threw themselves over her and pinned her to the ground.

* * *

_Runaway train, never going back  
Wrong way on a one-way track  
Seems like I should be getting somewhere  
Somehow I'm neither here nor there _

Bought a ticket for a runaway train  
Like a madman laughing at the rain  
A little out of touch, a little insane  
Its just easier than dealing with the pain

* * *

She stood there shivering, her wet clothes leaving a pool of water around her feet. Her chest was still heaving from running the half a block after Ana released her, her arms wrapped protectively around herself.

"Donna?" Sam walked up behind her. "Donna?"

Her head tilted slightly to the side towards him but her eyes never moved from the trauma room. He came closer, softly laying his arms on her shoulders and following her gaze through the window that framed the frantic scene.

"You're freezing." He dropped his arms from hers and worked his way out of his damp coat before wrapping her in it. She leaned back into him when his arms encircled her. He looked at the floor. "Where are your shoes?"

She shrugged.

"Steps of the Capital?" She guessed. "I took them off to run." She looked at her hands, moving the blood on them in circle between her finger and thumb. "I was holding them." She pulled away from Sam and walked closer to the window. "I have no idea what happened to them after I saw him."

They stood in silence.

"Sam?" She rasped softly.

"Yeah?"

"I want you to bomb West Virgina."

* * *

_Runaway train, never going back  
Wrong way on a one-way track  
Seems like I should be getting somewhere  
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

* * *

_

**(Black Monday 2005)**

"You left him?"

"Zoe please don't try to make me feel-." Donna breathed into the phone.

"I have to **try** to _make_ you feel something?" The first daughter squeaked.

"Everyone else understands." She whispered somewhat bitterly. Almost aristocratically.

"Maybe everyone else doesn't understand Josh as well as they think they do. Why does he get to be the designated Bastard here?" The younger woman countered. "This is going to kill him."

She huffed out a laugh.

"He'll find someone else to-."

"Oh cut the crap, Donna." Zoey huffed back. "Save the little sob story about how he's '_the man' keeping you down_."

"I know you've always been fond of Josh." Her voice was sharp. "But I don't think you understand-."

"Really Donna? You don't think I understand what it's like to try and get over an traumatic experience by isolating myself from the person who loves me the most?" Her voice softened. "Charlie felt responsible too.. you know? For the kidnapping." Donna swallowed hard. "Maybe for a second I let him be responsible. I mean he sent me to the club right? Why shouldn't he be just a little bit responsible if he sent me there."

"I don't think that Josh-."

"I mean he sure thought he was. The man looked like hell when I saw him at the hospital. You'd have thought he'd been the one hurt. You know Charlie came to the hospital right? Dropped everything and rushed there. It's nice isn't it?"

"Yes." Donna heard the word slip out of her mouth.

"I thought it would change things." She stilled at Zoey's words. "I thought it would be different when I got home. He wanted it. I wanted it. But nothing changed."

"Same old dance."

"Yeah. You have to work really hard to keep it that way don't you?" Zoey knew. Donna swallowed hard. "Don't you Donna?"

"Zoe.."

"Josh went through hell. He told Daddy to kill them all. Kill the people who did it. Kill the people behind it. Kill the people happy about it. He was ready to bomb the whole middle east off the map before they let him go to Germany. He went all the way to Germany." She paused for a minute to let it sink in before she went for the kill. "I wonder if it was because he wanted you to order him a hamburger the way he liked it?"

"Zoey.."

"For nine years he's been afraid of one thing." Zoe was almost crying now, her voice wavering. Donna wiped the tears from her own face. "Today it happened." Donna swallowed back the sob. "Guess he needs a new worst case scenario."

"Zoey this wasn't personal.."

"Yeah.. I'll let everyone else believe you when you say that." Donna started to reply until she heard the click. She let the phone slip from her hands onto the table. For the first time all day she was faced with what she actually did.

She'd left Josh.

And he'd watched her go.

* * *

_Runaway train, never coming back  
Runaway train, tearing up the track  
Runaway train, burning in my veins  
I run away but it always seems the same

* * *

_

**(Present)**

"Mrs. Lyman?" Ainsley looked towards Donna from where she and Sam had been sitting.

"We removed the bullet from your husband's shoulder." He told her calmly.

"What about his brain?" She said softly. "I don't really give a fuck if he'll ever pitch in the major league. I just want to know if I should be getting him some bibs and-!"

"Donna." At some point during her rant Sam had moved to her side. He cupped his hands around hers. "Doctor, do you know anything more about the extent of his head injury?"

"He hasn't regained consciousness since he was brought in." The man told them grimly. "It's not uncommon with the extensive amount of damage the bullet caused."

"He was conscious right after." Donna looked at her hands settled into Sam's like a nest. "When they were putting him on the stretcher."

"Mrs. Lyman there are many stages of Coma-."

"I understand that. I'm familiar with Coma Scales." She shook her head. "He was responding to my voice."

"He's not doing that any longer." The doctor made a face.

"Of course not because you've got me waiting across the hall. How the hell can he respond to my voice if I'm out here?" She shook her head and looked at Sam. "What's his total Glasgow now?"

"Eight." The doctor told her, his eyebrows raising with her knowledge.

"No." She shook her head quickly, before wiping away her tears. "We can do better than that."

"Mrs. Lyman.."

"Let her _try_." Sam said suddenly. "She..He'll..." He swallowed hard. "Let _her_ try."

* * *

_Runaway train.. Runaway train.._

_Runaway train.. Runaway train..

* * *

_


	3. This Woman's Work

_**This woman's work**_

**  
**

**  
**

_Pray God you can cope.  
I stand outside this woman's work,  
This woman's world.  
Ooh, it's hard on the man,  
Now his part is over.  
Now starts the craft of the father.

* * *

_

**  
**

**(Present)**

**  
**

"Josh open your eyes." She sat motionless at her husband's bedside, his hand firmly in hers. "Joshua, I need you to open your eyes now."

Sam watched his friends face strain with the effort. Before one eyelid lifted revealing a sliver of bloodshot brown eye.

"Good." Donna soothed. "That's really good, Josh." She turned her face back towards the neurologist. Sam watched the blank gaze return to her features and she lazily stroked her hands through the hair they hadn't shaved off his head. "What else do you need him to do?"

* * *

_I know you have a little life in you yet.  
I know you have a lot of strength left.  
I know you have a little life in you yet.  
I know you have a lot of strength left. _

* * *

**(A year ago.)**

**  
**

"Donna."

"No."

"Come on, Please? I need her." Donna rolled her eyes. "You know I'm right."

"Sam I said no."

"I need her so women will like me."

"You're cute Sam. Women will like you because you're cute."

"I need liberal women to like me. They don't. I have a republican wife. They think I'm soft on women's issues." He tried to catch her eye. She looked away. "I need women to like me."

"He's gotten her fired from the White House. Twice, both wings. And once from some place outside the White House." She flapped her hands in the air. "He almost pukes every time he sees her."

"Which is why I need you to-."

"I _do_ puke every time I see her."

"It was just one time and you were pregnant." He pointed out as they wandered into the mess hall.

"She was trying to set my husband up with someone."

"She didn't know." She shot him a look. "Okay so she knew.."

"He won't go for it." She scanned the mess for her husband.

"Yes he will. You can get him to do anything." Donna shook her head. "Come on! Josh of all people knows how good she is." Donna made a face. "Bad choice of words?"

"Yeah." She spotted Josh and yanked Sam over to him.

"Convince him." Sam muttered.

"Sam I can't-." She leaned in and kissed Josh on the cheek. "Hi."

"What can't you do?" He asked, pulling out her chair for her.

"There is nothing she can't do." Sam said firmly. Josh nodded with a raise of his eyebrows.

"President Seaborn here?" She chucked her thumb at the DCOS. "Wants Amy Freaking Gardener on his campaign because liberal women hate his republican loving ass."

"You're kidding me?" Josh made a face.

"No. Josh she's good." Sam pleaded.

"Women hate him?" Josh asked his wife.

"Apparently."

"But he's good looking."

"Some might feel that way, yes." She told him in a low voice. Josh smiled.

"But not you?" She returned his nostalgic smile, shaking her head slowly. He slipped his hand into hers. "What do you think?"

"She's good." Donna said softly. Now Sam was smiling too. Josh sighed, pressing a kiss into her temple.

"It's your call. Do what you think is best." He told her.

"See?" Sam smirked at her. "Anything."

* * *

**  
**

_I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.  
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking_

Of all the things I should've said,  
That I never said.  
All the things we should've done,  
That we never did.  
All the things I should've given,  
But I didn't. **

* * *

**

**(Present)**

**  
**

"He's stable, bleeding is controlled and swelling is minimal. This is all very good." Dr. Miller looked around the group.

"The bullet entered his head here." The man put his finger above his left ear. "In the his left parietal lobe. This may cause problems with language."

"What kind of problems?" Ainsley asked slowly, tracing her fingers over the back of Sam's hand.

"He may have difficulty understanding spoken or written language." The doctor continued.

"Oh my God." CJ breathed, moving uncomfortably in her chair.

"It's also the sensory center of the brain. Touch, pressure.. the senses that help us decide what something is or what it's like by feeling it." He explained, moving his eyes slowly around the group.

Donna nodded slowly, never breaking her intense gaze off of the neurologist. Dr. Thomas continued.

"Then it traveled through and exited the frontal lobe. The rear frontal lobe controls and modifies movement. He may have difficulty controlling his limbs. He'll almost certainly need physical therapy. The area of most concern is the front part of the brain it is involved in planning, organizing, problem solving, and selective attention."

"All the things that make him Josh." Sam's voice was pained. CJ looked at his crumpled face.

"The frontal lobe controls personality, and a variety of higher cognitive functions, including behavior and emotions." The man nodded sadly. Donna's hands started to shake. He watched them for a second before putting his firmly on top of them. "The fact that he's recognizing and responding to his wife is a good sign."

"He's making improvements we wouldn't have thought possible." Dr. Miller gave Donna a short smile.

"So now what do we do?" Sam pressed his lips together.

"We wait." Dr. Thomas told him flatly. Donna swallowed hard. "It's up to Josh now."

"I'm going to check on the Bartlett's plane." They all watched Toby's chair move across the floor as he stood up and walked towards the door.

"Toby?" Donna Lyman was still looking at her hands. "Can CJ do that? I need you for something."

"Sure." CJ nodded her head and started for the door.

Toby walked towards her and sunk down to her level resting his hands on her knee's.

"What do you need me to do?" He whispered.

"Something hard."

* * *

**  
**

_Oh, darling, make it go,  
Make it go away._

Give me these moments back.  
Give them back to me.  
Give me that little kiss.  
Give me your hand. **

* * *

**

**( The day after Black Monday)**

**  
**

"Come back." He told her the second Ginger passed the call back.

"I.. Is he alright?" She whispered.

"Donna honestly.." He sighed. "Don't make this.."

"I.. Is he alright?" She'd been crying on and off since she'd gotten off the phone with Zoey the night before.

"What do you think?" His voice was softer than he thought it would be.

"I can't come back."

"Donna.." Toby tilted his head to the ceiling.

"Toby I can't come back."

"He's.. I don't know what he's going to do." He closed one eye and started counting black spots.

"You have to tell him I'm not coming back."

"I think he knows." Ziegler closed the other eye.

"He does?" She squeaked.

"Yeah. I think he-. He's in a daze." He heard her sniff.

"I.. He'll be okay." She didn't sound sure.

"Donna?" He asked suddenly.

"Toby?"

"Why me? Why did you want me to tell him?" She paused for a minute before taking a long slow breath.

"You're good at telling." She whispered before breaking into a new set of sobs. "You've always been the one to tell me.."

"Come back." He told her simply.

"I can't." She whispered in a pleading voice.

"Why?" He didn't understand them, Josh for not calling when he needed to and her for not coming back when she wanted to.

"I left him. It's broken. It's all in pieces now and I'm the one who broke it."

"Donna.." He struggled not to raise his voice.

"I have to go." She whispered.

"Donna You can-." He rubbed his bald head.

"Bye." She hung up the phone quickly.

"Fix it." He said to no one.

* * *

**_(I know you have a little life in you yet.  
I know you have a lot of strength left.  
I know you have a little life in you yet.  
I know you have a lot of strength left.)_**

  


_**I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.  
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking

* * *

**_

**(Present)**

**  
**

Deanna hugged him when he opened the door. He wasn't ready for that.

"Where are they?"

"In the living room."

"Yeah." He put his hand on Deanna's shoulder and moved past her into the living room. Charlie stood up and moved towards the door.

"Uncle Toby?" Seven year old Noah Lyman cast his blue eyes up to him. He looked so much like Donna. He knew something was up. He had that look in his eyes. The same look she always got before he told her something bad.

"Something very bad has happened." He said slowly sinking down to his knee's and meeting Noah's nodding gaze.

* * *

**  
**

_Of all the things I should've said,  
That I never said.  
All the things we should've done,  
That we never did.  
All the things I should've given,  
But I didn't. **

* * *

** _

**  
**

**  
**

"He expects you to get back out there." Donna spoke softly, her eyes sweeping over her husband one more time before turning towards the fight she was picking.

"Donna." Sam shook his head like she was suggesting he go to Mars.

"Sam, It's time."

"I am not going-." He shook his head in one quick motion.

"Sam." Donna whispered.

"My best friend is lying here with a gun shot wound to the head and you want me to go debate Calley over prayer in schools?"

"No, Sam I want you to win. I don't want this.." She gestured wildly around the hospital room. "to keep you from the White House! I don't want them to win."

"If I don't debate Calley the Supremacists win?"

"If you don't win because of what they did to him..." She took a deep breath. "What they did to him.." She stopped, putting her hand on Josh's arm to steady herself. "He can't tell you to get back out there yet so I will."

"Donna, I can't-." He looked at Josh, his eyes slipping shut.

"CJ's bringing you a suit." She took a shallow breath and moved away from Josh and over to her bag. "I have some.. Josh made some.. " She rustled trough the bag before producing a small binder. He watched her flip through, pulling out a few telltale note cards.

"You made him cards?"

"I made you cards." She smiled down at her shoes then up at Sam, blushing slightly. "I made him cards to give to you."

He took them, flipping slowly through.

"I can't say this!" He grinned. "God, I don't know if I could say this." He flipped the cards. "This is-" He glanced at Josh. "You-?"

"That's from me." Donna bit her lip. "It's your opening statement."

She watched him read it, swallowing hard before bobbing his head towards the ground.

"_I'd like to use my opening statements to remind us all why we must continue to move towards the goals and dreams of our civil rights leaders. Joshua Lyman is my best friend and my heart and soul is with him and our family tonight, but my future is here with you._ Donna this is amazing. You-?"

**  
**

"You have to do this Sam."

"Yeah." He breathed wiping his eyes with the butt of his hand. "I-. Yeah?"

"You can do this." Her heart broke when he looked up at her and she hugged him.

"I'm supposed to be taking care of you." He sniffed somewhat loudly. "I promised Josh."

"You are." She saw CJ in the doorway, pulling away. "He's ready."

Sam pulled himself to his full hight.

"I'm ready."

* * *

_Oh, darling, make it go,  
Make it go away._

Give me these moments back.  
Give them back to me.  
Give me that little kiss.  
Give me your hand. 

**

* * *

****(Present, two days later)**

**  
**

"All the major networks are giving us the debate." CJ rubbed her hand across her abdomen.

"He was great." Donna said softly.

"Yeah." CJ watched her friend's hand move methodically across Josh's arm. Up, down, over. Up, down, over. "Donna.. I don't know if he can do it."

"He will."

"I don't know if the rest of us can."

"You will."

"Shit. Donna.. I'm.. I should be supporting you."

"No. It's fine. I'm fine." She shook her head before dropping her eyes to Josh. "We're fine."

* * *

_I should be crying, but I just can't let it show_

_I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking_

Of all the things we should've said,  
That were never said.  
All the things we should've done,  
That we never did.

* * *

**  
**

**(Post 'In the Shadow of Two Gunmen')**

**  
**

"Honey I shouldn't be putting this all on you." Patricia Lyman shook her head slowly.

"It's okay Mrs. Lyman." Donna smiled weakly, zipping Josh's mother's suitcase. "I understand."

"I just seem to get in your way. You two seem to have it all figured out and I just get in the way." She shook her head.

"You're not in the way Mrs. Ly-."

"I told you to call me Patricia. I mean, come on Donna, you're family." She smiled at her again. "You're Josh's family now."

"I'm glad you-." She shook her head. "You're Josh's family."

"Donna dear he will _always_ be my son." The woman took the suitcase from her. "But **you** are his family."

"Mrs.. Patricia... I."

"Ready to go Mrs. L?" Sam hurried into Josh's living room. He put his hand on Donna's arm. "He's asking for you. I think he needs-."

Donna looked and her watch.

"Yeah. It's almost time. I'll-." She moved towards the bedroom, casting a remorseful look back at Josh's mother.

"Go Honey. Sam will take good care of me." She patted Seaborn's arm as Donna moved into the bedroom. _  
_

"Hey." She sat on the edge of the bed and started opening the syringes. "It'll be better in just a minute okay?"

"It's not so bad." He lied.

"Oh yeah tough guy?" She grinned, pulling back the medication. "Ready?"

He swallowed hard turning his face into her side as she sunk it into his bicep. She smoothed her hand through his hair. He closed his eyes with her touch.

"Better?"

"Much." He whispered taking her other hand in his. "How are you?"

"I could probably use a dose or two. Wanna share?" She teased.

"My Mom gone?"

"Sam just took her to the airport." She bit her lip.

"It's not your fault."

"You're her baby Josh."

"She knew you had it under control." She watched how his eyes fogged over from the morphine when he smiled. "You have everything under control."

"I do seek to control you."

"You look tired."

"I am." She admitted as he patted the bed beside him. "I-. It's stupid you know?"

"No it's not." He told her.

"I just.. it's been two weeks and now I suddenly can't sleep on the couch in the other room?" She sniffed a little curling into his side.

"Hey, the only reason I sleep without you is because you drug me."

"You don't know that." She grinned into the side of his chest. "You'd be fine."

"Donna I was ready to put my Mom on a greyhound bus because you looked _sleepy_." He turned his head slowly and kissed her forehead.

"I just don't want to be.." Her quiet voice trailed off.

"I don't want to be away from you either." He sighed. "How would I know if I was still breathing if I wasn't watching you watch me to make sure I am?"

"Cute Josh." He pulled her hand onto his chest and kissed it before he set it over his bandage.

"Go to sleep Donnatella."

* * *

**_All the things that you needed from me.  
All the things that you wanted for me.  
All the things that I should've given,  
But I didn't.

* * *

(Present)_**

**  
**

"I've talked to Ainsley. She and I will work out a schedule for the children."

"Thanks Mom." She whispered, hoping Patrica didn't hear the tears in her voice.

"I'll take care of your babies, you take care of mine alright?" Mrs. Lyman told her.

"I'm glad you're coming."

"Me too Honey. Now stop watching him breath, the machine will do that. You sleep Donna."

"I will Ma." She said absently before she caught her mother-in-law's short gasp when she used Josh's term of endearment. "I'm sorry."

"Why?" The other woman whispered. "I love you Donna. You're my family you know that."

"I love you too." Donna sniffed as she hung up the phone. She pressed her head into her husbands shoulder, before turning towards him and watching the steady rise and fall of his chest.

* * *

**  
**

_Oh, darling, make it go away.  
Just make it go away now. _


	4. Be Not Afraid

**Be not afraid

* * *

**

_You shall cross the barren desert,  
but you shall not die of thirst.  
You shall wander far in safety,  
though you do not know the way.

* * *

_

**(Present)**

"Josh?" Jed Bartlett's mangled voice caused him to tilt his head in that direction. "I'm here son."

Slowly and shakily he pulled his hand up to Lyman's chest. "Hang on Josh. You just hang on." The man moved his hands back, pushing at the wheels of his chair, moving closer to the bed. He shook his head towards the corner of the room. "Oh Leo what have we done?"

The otherperson sat wordlessly, his eyes glued on the man in the bed.

* * *

_You shall speak your words in foreign lands,  
and all will understand,

* * *

_

"I like this." Abbey Bartlett said running her hand across the back of the couch. "Did you have this last time I was here?"

"It was a gift from the Duchess of York." Helen told her wandering across the floor with a tray of mugs.

"Oh God I never could stand her." Abbey muttered.

"I'm not sure I can do this." Ainsley whispered softly leaning back against the couch in question. Both woman turned towards her. She moved her wrist across her red eyes before burying her head in her son's fluffy white hair. "I'm not sure that.."

"Ainsley." Abbey cooed.

"Honey." Helen set the tray down and sat next to her on the couch, pulling her head to her shoulder.

"I.. I didn't think it would-." She started to cry harder. "It's not Sam.. It's always been Josh.. I'm a horrible person-."

"No no. Honey.." Helen whispered softly.

"They're my friends and I was glad it was them."

"Ainsley." Abbey moaned walking around and sitting on the coffee table in front of them. She moved her hand across the five year olds legs. "When we lost Leo.. I can't say that it never crossed my mind that it should have been Jed. I can't say that I wasn't glad it wasn't."

"What am I going to do when there is no Josh? When it's my husband? My child?" Ainsley whispered. "Why do I have to put my family on the line?"

"Someone has too." Abbey told her. "And for what ever reason we love men who feel like that someone has to be them."

"We've been there." Helen said softly, reaching her hand out to Abbey. "And we'll be here for you."

* * *

_  
You shall see the face of God and live.

* * *

_** (Present)**

He could see Jed Bartlett sitting at his side. His hand touching his chest, watching the corner of the room.

"Sir?" Josh whispered quietly, turning his head and following his gaze.

"Hey Josh." Lyman looked up.

"Leo?"

"Long time no see."

"I thought it would be my dad. Or Joanie." He lifted his eyebrows to his former boss. "Where's my blinding white light?"

"You're not dead Josh."

"No?"

"Nah." Leo shook his head.

"Is this where you tell me I have things left to do?"

"This is where I tell you're a good boy. This is where I say thank you."

"Yeah? For setting you up for another heart attack?"

"Really?" Leo sat next to him. "It was you who pushed thirty years of pills and booze down my throat. Then compelled me to make my best friend President of the United States?" HegaveBartlett a nod before heshook his head. "I was pretty sure all along I was the one who drug you along and got you shot. The first time anyway."

"I'm scared."

"Don't be. We're here for you." He gestured towards Jed.

"Leo?"

"Son?"

"I don't regret it."

"No?"

"I changed the world. It gave me more than I ever knew I could have. It got me Donna." He watched Leo smile. "I just want to know what's next"

* * *

_Be not afraid,  
I go before you always,  
Come follow Me,  
and I shall give you rest.

* * *

_

"Sam. You're home?" Donna rolled over when the door opened..

"Just for the night." He told her softly, pulling off his coat and moving towards the bed. "Then CJ's got me in San Diego, San Fransisco, LA then back to Texas. How is he?"

"About the same." She stretched her arms over her head before rolling off of the edge of Josh's bed. "He wastalking for a while today. He wasn't awake or anything, but he was talking.About Leo."

"McGarry?" Sam looked up startled, Donna nodded. "God I wish he was here." Donna smiled sadly. "I'm.. I can't do this alone."

"You're not." Sam jerked his head towards the door as Jed moved his wheelchair into the room. He winked at Donna. "We're here." He paused trying to force out the words. "We're not going to let you down."

* * *

_If you pass through raging waters  
in the sea, you shall not drown.

* * *

_

**(A year ago.)**

"Donna?" Deanna Young leaned up against the doorway of her bosses office.

"Dee, I need you to get me those-." Donna caught sight of the tears on her cheeks and her heart stopped beating. "Deanna?"

"It's Uncle Jed."

* * *

_If you walk amidst the burning flames,  
you shall not be harmed._

_

* * *

_

_"_What do they mean when they say crisis?" Sam asked loading his suitcase into the trunk of the secret service car

"I don't know. Zoey and Charlie flew out this morning right after they talked to Deanna." Josh rubbed his head, moving away from the trunk with his friend.

"CJ and Toby are on their way?"

"They were already at the airport when I talked to Danny." Josh waited for the agent to open the door before he nudged Sam inside.

Seaborn slipped his arm around Deanna's shoulder as Josh pulled his wife's hand onto his lap.

"So is this it? I mean.." Sam looked at Josh.

"You mean is he going to die." Deanna spit out, Sam rubbed her shoulder.

"We don't know that Dee." Josh said softly leaning against his wife. "He's breathing on his own. He's lost the ablitly to speak but he's still communitcating." The young woman started to cry, Sam pulled her to his shoulder.

"He's inthe progressive-relapsing stage. We knew this. It's only a matter of time now. We all knew this." Donna whispered slowly.

"I mean.. we knew it." Sam whispered. "But we never really _knew _it you know?"

"Yeah."

* * *

_If you stand before the pow'r of hell  
and death is at your side,  
know that I am with you, through it all_ _

* * *

_

"Did you know he's been in a wheel-chair now for like six months?" Toby drummed his fingers on the armrest between them.

"Charilie told me this morning." She hummed. "That's why he didnt' want us to come out for Christmas?"

"I guess." He squeezed his palms together.

"You look like him when you do that." She muttered softly, whiping a stray tear from her face. Toby looked at his hands.

"Yeah."

"He's dying." She sniffed. "Jed Bartlett is dying."

"CJ."

"I dont' know if I can-."

"You can." Toby took her hand in his. "He's asking for us. We're going to be there."

"What if I can't?"

"Are you going to run out of the room screaming?"

"No."

"Then you can."

* * *

_Be not afraid,  
I go before you always,_ _

* * *

_

In his mind he saw Leo. Standing over Abbey's shoulder watching with serious look on his face.

Waiting. Waiting for him.

He looked at Abbey and then at his daughters. He wanted to tell them that he loved them, to tell the others that he loved them, but he couldn't stay. Leo was waiting for him. All that came out was a sound that ment nothing.

He watched Leo's face turn towards the door when it opened, smiling almost sadly. He waited to see who it would be. CJ made her way to his side, slipping down to kiss his cheek. He watched Toby wrap his arms around Abbey before turning to the girls. His children would be there. They were on their way and he would wait for them. He looked at Leo who nodded slowly. He'd wait too.

* * *

_Come follow Me,  
and I shall give you rest._ _

* * *

_

**(Present)**

"We should pull out."Sam whispered softly. "Let Will take the front of the ticket."

"Will Bailey cannot win a presidental election." Toby told him in a tone that made Seaborn glad he wasn't holding anything that he could throw at him.

"Neither can I." Sam took a deep breath. "Not with out Josh. I won't even try.

"You are the last person I expected this kind of selfishness from." CJ shook her head at him.

"Selfishness?" Sam squeaked. "Selfish is being at one rally after another in California while my best friend lays fighting for his life."

"Sam. Josh would be the first to tell you that-!"

"Josh can't speak Toby!" He yelled. "Not coherently anyway."

"He'll get better." CJ reminded. "I swear to God if he comes back to a world where Cliff Caelly is President-." She clicked her cheek. "I don't want to be the one to tell him."

"I need Will to do-. Can Will do more?"

"He is. He's in Florida. He'll do Illinois. Josh'll be back on our asses by the time we get to Texas."

* * *

_Blessed are your poor,  
for the Kingdom shall be theirs.

* * *

**(A year ago)** _

"Sir?" Sam's voice was soft and remorseful. Jed wanted to tell him that he was the one who should be remorseful. He was the one who needed Sam to absolve him. "We're all here, Sir. You're not alone." He paused a moment swallowing hard. "I won the nomination Mr. President. I'll win the White House. I won't let you down." Bartlett watched the tear slip down Seaborn's face. He looked past him to Leo who bowed his head. "I'm sorry.. Sir.. that I let you down before. I'm sorry I quit before we finished what we started. I was a coward. I'm not anymore. I won't let you down Sir."

* * *

_Blest are you that weep and mourn,  
for one day you shall laugh.

* * *

_"Daddy." He watched Zoey stroke his fingers. She looked at the monitor, it was only then Jed heard the low alarm tone. 

"I'll get your mom." Charlie said softly, his daughter shook her head feircly.

"Daddy. I love you."The words choked out of her in a sob before she stood, taking Charlie's hand and placing it implace of her own. Jed watched her pass a concerned looking Leo as she made her way out of the room.

"Mr. President." He turned his fading eyes back to Charlie."Dad." He wished he could reach for him. He wished he could take his hand. Charlie. His son. The one he never had.

He was different than Sam or Josh or Toby.. maybe because they'd been older, or because they'd had fathers and Charlie never really had. Maybe it was because of how feircely Charlie loved him.

"I'm not ready."The statement surprised him almost as much as how he slowly lowered his head to the man's chest. "I know I'm supposed to tell you it's alright to go. I know I'm supposed to say goodbye. But I'm not ready." Jed felt the boys tears on the hospital gound.It was at that moment Jed Bartlett realized he had not felt anything in quiet a long time. He felt this. He felt for Charlie. "I.. never asked you.. not really.. for Zoey's hand. I never asked you about being a father, or a husband." He raised his head and met the man's eyes. "But more than anything else.. I never told you. You can't go yet." He pleaded, looking up at the heart monitor above him. "I'm not ready."

Jed brought his eyes to Leo, the two men exchanging a long questioning glance before Leo pressed his lips together and uttered the first words Jed had heard him say yet.

"I can stick around a while longer, Mr. President." He raised his head in a nod to the monitors which slowly stopped alarming as Abbey Bartlett hurried into the room only to find things looking up.

* * *

_And if wicked men insult and hate you, all because of Me,  
blessed, blessed are you!

* * *

**(Present)** _

Donna kept having the same dream. She was sitting in a chair on one side of a bridge, mirroring Leo on the other. Jed Bartlett, as strong and straight as he used to, stood with Josh in the middle. The two of them talking quietly to each other. Every few minutes Jed would shout something to Leo. Leo never spoke loud enough for Donna to hear and no matter how hard she yelled Josh never seemed to answer her. He'd look her way, smile, wink, and run her hands through his hair before looking back to Bartlett.

It was a frustrating dream, not being able to go with him or bring him back. It wasn't until the former president nodded to his former chief and started to lead her husband slowly back across towards her that she began to understand..

* * *

_Be not afraid,  
I go before you always,_ _

* * *

_

"Donnnnn-h?"

"Josh?" He forced an eye open and looked at her pretty face.

"Ya'lok awfulll." He moaned his lips twitching almost playfully.

"Josh." She whispered the tears coming frantically as she, leaned forward onto his shoulder,pressing the call button.."God Josh please don't ever leave me again."

Lyman turned his head slowly, pressing his lips against her temple.

"Shh..." He whispered, feeling her cry even harder than before. For the breifest of seconds he thought he saw Leo McGarry smile at him before meandering back into the hallway.

Outside the room, Jed Bartlett winked at his old friend as he moved back into the background of the living, to wait a little longer.

* * *

_Come follow Me,  
and I shall give you rest._


	5. Hate Me

**Hate me**

_I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head  
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed  
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone  
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home

* * *

_

**(Present)**

"Zz's my fault." Donna sat up straight in her chair and turned to look at her husband. "I shldn't hv.."

"Shh.. Josh it's okay." His eyes blinked open and he looked at her for a minute with a confused expression.

"Yu're here?"

"I'm right here." She said softly. "I'm not going any where."

"I shld've…"

"Don't try to talk right now."

"It wz jst… lunch." His eyes started to tear as he shook his bandaged head slowly. "Thz all."

"Josh. It's okay." She kissed his forehead. "It's okay."

* * *

_There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain  
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. will you never call again?  
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?  
And will you never try to reach me? it is I that wanted space

* * *

_

(**After Santos rejects Russles offer to share the ticket)**

He could have never worked for Russell. He could never worked _for_ her. How could he possibly.. Hell part of him wanted to, just to be near her. He'd felt her behind him. He'd felt her eyes on him.

They'd sent her. They'd sent her because she would get to him. She would know what he was going to do. They'd used her. Or she'd used him. He didn't know anymore and he hated himself for it.

He hated Will Bailey more. He hated that man with every fiber of his being. More than himself or Bob Russell, he had no right to, but he did.

"Josh?" Speak of the Devil.

"Bailey." He lifted his drink to his lips.

"Wow.. Okay.. Should I call you Lyman now or-?" The man pushed his glasses up his nose nervously.

"What do you want?" Josh rolled his eyes.

"She wouldn't give you up." Josh leaned back in the chair and looked at the man who had once been-. What? A friend? Someone he trusted? Someone Sam trusted anyway. Fuck him then, for trusting Sam.

"What are you talking about?" He knew exactly what Will was talking about.

"Donna. We all asked her. What you were going to do.What we should say. She never gave you up." He sat down in the stool beside him.

"Maybe she didn't have the answers you needed." Josh snapped.

"Pfst.." Will snorted, Josh smiled at the sound.

"Yeah okay." He had to snicker.

"She…" Will looked over Josh's shoulder. "This is hard for her."

"No." Josh shook his head. "This is easy for her. She's amazing. The way she retains information. How she thinks about things? She was made for this."

"I didn't mean the job." Bailey said softly. "She misses you." Josh swallowed hard. "Somebody should tell you that."

He nodded sullenly as Will wandered away. _Don't_.. he'd said to her today. Sharply. Angrily. How long was he going to try to hate her? How long was he going to push her away?

* * *

_Hate me today __Hate me tomorrow  
__Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

* * *

_

He'd gotten ungodly drunk that night. Too drunk. He'd woken up in his hotel room, unsure of how he got there, wanting her to be there with him.

This was for the best though, he thought, looking at himself in the mirror. She should get as far away from him as possible. He held her down, she was young and smart and she'd been stuck taking care of him.

He ran his hand through his thinning hair trying not to think of how her face would have broken if she'd found him like this. He undid his tie trying not to think about how it felt when she did it. He lost himself for a moment in the memory of how her hands cupped his face when she assessed the situation of his insobriety.

She shouldn't have ever had to do that. She shouldn't have never had to do most of the things she did for him. She should hate him.

* * *

_  
Hate me in ways  
Yeah ways hard to swallow  
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

* * *

_

Donna stood outside his hotel room for a minute, trying not to go back in. She'd gone in search of him when Will had come back and announced he was in the bar. She'd found him there.

"_Donnatella." He smiled smugly. "Come to watch me fall from grace?"_

"_Come on." She reached for him and he lurched away. "Josh you're a mess."_

"_Get out of here." He pleaded sadly shaking his head at her. _

"_Joshua." She put her hand on his chest. _

"_You should have." He put his hand over hers, pressing it into him before pulling it away. She raised her eyebrows. "Given me up. Told them all my secrets."_

"_Josh."_

"_Don't be loyal to me, Donnatella." He closed his eyes. "Don't you see? You're free. I'm so sorry Donna. I'm so very sorry."_

_He pulled himself to his feet and moved towards the exit stumbling hard into the table. She grabbed his arm to steady him. _

"_One more time." She whispered in his ear. "Let metake care ofyou, one more time." _

"_Why Donna?"_

"_Come on."_

"_Why?"_

"_Josh. Come on."_

Donna leaned against the back wall of the elevator. She should have just told him why when he asked. When she'd replayed it in her head this morning she'd answered him. She imagined saucily turning him around to face her and whispering _you know why. _Maybe he'd have kissed her then. Maybe this would all be over and she could slip back into her world. Their world.

But that wasn't what she wanted, right? Why was it so hard for her to remember that? That's not what she needed. That wasn't life with out Josh. That wasn't a woman making her own way. That wasn't what she _should _want for her life.

She slipped into her room, undoing the buttons of last nights blouse. Pulling her shoes off and folding onto her love seat in the same way she'd spent the night on Josh's. Watching him passed out across the bed, keeping track of the way his chest rose and fell. Until she noticed he was waking up.

* * *

_  
_  
_I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with  
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again  
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night  
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight  
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate  
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take  
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind  
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

* * *

_

**(After The Interview)**

Her hands shook when she got into her car. She starred blankly at the steering wheel and waited to cry. The tears wouldn't come.

_"If you think I don't miss you everyday.."_

Oh god she'd left him. She'd done the one thing he feared the most. The one thing she had spent years convincing him she'd never do. She'd hurt him and there was no turning back. He wasn't going to look at her the same ever again.

_"If you think I don't miss you everyday.."_

He wasn't going to appraise her new skills and see her as a professional. An equal. He was going to hate her. _He_ was going to see her for what she _was_. The person who walked out on him.

_"If you think I don't miss you everyday.."_

No. She tried to remind herself that wasn't true. It wasn't what happened. She'd left a job, for a career. For a chance of a lifetime.

_"If you think I don't miss you every day.."_

Who was she kidding thought really? If she'd just left the job she'd have called him the next day. He'd have helped her move her stuff into storage. They'd have had dinner in Iowa and shared a flight to New Hampshire.

She left him. She'd left Josh.

_"If you think I don't miss you everyday…"_

And he'd watched her go.

* * *

_Hate me today  
Hate me tomorrow  
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you _

Hate me in ways  
Yeah ways hard to swallow  
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

* * *

"Damn it!"

_Slam. _

"_Damn it!"_

_Slam._

"God Damn it where is the damn…"

_SLAM CRASH._

"FUCK!"

_Crash!_

"I can't I.."

_Ring. Ring._

"Can someone..?"

_Ring. CRASH. Ring._

"I need someone to.."

_Bang. Ring. _

"Could someone-?"

_Beep! Bang! Crash!_

"**DONNNAA!"**

Rhonna stood in the door way for a second, before gingerly setting the mug down. He had a stunned, almost wild look on his face. His mouth fell open as he starred past her.

"FUCK." She watched him collapse into the chair and press his palms into his face. "FUCK."

"It's Rhonna." She said softly. He didn't move. "Do you need something?"

"Get out please." He said softly his chest heaving and his words muffled. "Just.."

"I can help you find something if you-."

"**GET OUT**!"

She backed out of the office and closed the door, jumping slightly when she felt a warm hand on her shoulder.

"My name's not Donna. It's Rhonna.. With an R." The woman said softly still starring at the door.

"He knows that." The older man said calmly.

"Is he okay?" She asked slowly.

"Give this to Lou." He pulled out an index card and handed to the woman. "Tell her I told her to hire her. Get her here. Now. As soon as possible." The woman nodded.

"Mr. McGarry?"

"Yes Ronna?"

"Is he okay?"

"No." He looked back at the door. "He's in a hole, and I'm afraid only she can get him out."

CRASH!

* * *

_And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave  
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made  
And like a baby boy I never was a man  
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand  
And then I fell down yelling "Make it go away!"  
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be  
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

* * *

_

He'd looked down at his desk and into the dark liquid. He'd picked the mug up like it was a snake and hurled it at the door listening to it shatter and watching the coffee fall in droplets across the tile floor, onto his desk, over the files, and onto his laptop before leaving small drips on his suite. It made him feel oddly calm, he decided, slipping back down into his chair. Cathartic.

* * *

_Hate me today  
Hate me tomorrow  
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you_ _

* * *

_**(Present)**

"Donnnnnna?"

"Um hum?" She rubbed her tired eyes until she was sure she was awake, turning slowly to her husband. "Josh?"

"Yr.Hr.." He muttered, his swollen eys cracking open and meeting hers before slipping shut again.

"I'm here. I'm always here. I'm always going to be here Josh. I'm never going to leave again. Ever.." She touched his cheek. "I'm so sorry Josh. I'm so so sorry.."

* * *

_Hate me in ways  
Yeah ways hard to swallow  
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you  
For you  
For you  
For you_


	6. Hurt

(Lots of people have covered this song. I prefer the Johnny Cash Version. It sets a better mood for this story..)

"**Hurt"

* * *

**

_I hurt myself today  
To see if I still feel  
I focus on the pain  
The only thing that's real _

* * *

**(Present)**

"Mrs. Lyman." Donna pressed her eyebrows together. "The next President of the United States just called. He says the Future First Lady will be over in an hour to get you. Ms. Cregg promises she'll be here tonight."

"He.." She sat up and rubbed her face. "I'm sorry I must have fallen asleep. Is it late?"

"It's eleven thirty Ma'am." She nodded, turning her eyes towards Josh. Doing a quick once over.

"Did they-? Did his CAT results come back?"

"Yes Mrs. Lyman. Dr. Thomas will be here tomorrow to explain it all, but they were improved." The Nurse smiled at her.

"Thanks Jessica." She looked back at her before returning her eyes to Josh. "He's.. He hasn't been awake much today."

"It's not uncommon." Jessica walked in and sat down beside her. "He's doing very well."

"Yeah." She swallowed, looking at his face. She pulled her fingertips down the puffy bruises.

"This is a long journey."

"You have no idea." She sniffed.

"You've been down this road a few times, I forgot." She patted Donna's arm.

"We have-. Josh's.. been through a lot."

"So have you." She pressed her lips together. Donna smiled and shook her head.

"Josh.. things.. stick with Josh.. I.."

"Mrs. Lyman? You really need to take care of yourself." Donna turned towards her and smiled.

"I'm alright." Her lips twitched nervously. "I.. I'll.. thank you." She moved her face back to Josh, watching the steady rise and fall of his chest.

"I'm here if you need to talk." Jessica stood up slowly and moved out of the room.

"It's going to be fine." Donna rubbed Josh's arm. "It's going to be okay."

* * *

_The needle tears a hold  
The old familiar sting ____Try to kill it all away  
But I remember everything_

* * *

_**(12-22-01)**_

"Josh?" He rubbed his face absently. "Josh?"

"What?" She swallowed hard

"Here. You need to.."

"What?"

"Josh, I need your attention here for a minute." She set a bottled water on his desk.

"I'm working Donna." He muttered. "I'm busy."

"You need to.." She looked at the door. "I need you to.."

"Will you spit it out!" He dropped his head back and looked at her. She had his backpack open on the desk. "What? What are you doing?" She pushed the water bottle towards him.

"It's three." She said calmly holding her fist upside down over him. She lowered her voice."I need you to take these." He put his palm up and tossed them into his mouth. "Thank you."

"Yeah cause these are really damn important." He tossed his head back and chugged down the water.

"You need anything?" She studied him.

"To work."

"Josh?"

"I. Need. To. Work."

"And I need you to tell me if somethings wrong." She spun his chair around. "Josh if your having problems with the medication you need to tell me."

"They're fine." He rubbed his face again. "I'm fine."

"Josh what's going on?"

"I said I'm fine." He stood up and pushed past her. "I'm trying to get something done before this whole damn country shuts down for your damn holiday season." She stood there, he gave her in incredulous look. "Work." She stood there. "WORK!"

She watched him storm out the door.

"What's going on?" CJ asked her as Josh pushed past her and down the hall.

"Nothing. It's fine."

But it wasn't, and she knew it. Donna set the file down and walked to Leo's office.

* * *

_What have I become  
My sweetest friend  
Everyone I know goes away  
In the end_

_

* * *

_

**(Present)**

"Donna let me do that." Ainsley moved towards the kitchen as the other woman turned on the burner.

"I'm fine." She mumbled. "I can boil water."

"So, Dr. Miller said the CAT scan was improved today." Sam smiled at his wife, with a quick check on Donna. She was pulling the tea bags out of the cabinet in slow motion. She didn't look up at his announcement. "And Donna said he asked about the election.".

"That's great." His wife smiled at him before looking nervously at Donna. "He'll be pissed off at me in no time." Donna didn't respond. "I messed up the poll again. I should really listen to him."

"I'm sure Donna can fix it." Sam assured.

"Damn." Donna muttered as the spoon clattered onto the burner.

"Here. I'll get you another." Sam said helpfully moving towards the drawer.

Donna was starring absently at the hot stove.

"I got it." He heard her whisper before he heard the sizzle. He turned his head to see her hand against the burner.

"Donna!" He yelled pulling her hand off of the stove. "Jesus!" He moved her to the sink and turned on the water, watching her stare, detached, at her hand.

"Here." Ainsley quickly handed him a few ice cubes grabbing a paper towel.

"Donna?" Sam cupped her hand in his feeling the heat rise from it. She starred at the white bubbles that were starting to form. "Shit."

"It's fine." She whispered feeling her body drop back against Sam.

"She needs to go to the emergency room." Ainsley told her husband, who still stood at the sink supporting Donna's weight between his body and the counter while holding the ice on her hand. "It's bad."

"So this is what he felt like." She said, her slow soft voice in contrast to the couple's quick movements around her.

"Donna?" Sam looked from her to her hand.

"This is what it feels to feel nothing."

* * *

_And you could have it all  
My empire of dirt  
I will let you down  
I will make you hurt

* * *

__**(12-23-2001)**_

She held her breath when she saw him storm back from the oval with Leo on his heels.

"Josh?" Donna stood up, her eyes growing wide at the wild panic on his face.

"Mind your own damn business and leave me the hell alone." He shouted slamming the door.

She glanced up at Leo her eyes starting to sting.

"I'll call the guy." The Chief of Staff said nodding as he turned away. "I'll have him here tomorrow."

Donna took a deep breath and opened the door.

"I thought I told you to leave me the-!" He swiveled in his chair to face her, stopping mid sentence when he saw her frightened face."I.." He swallowed. "I-. I can't do this. You can't do this to me right now. I can't have some tearful heart to heart." She moved towards the desk and started packing his backpack. "I can't-."

Donna swallowed against the lump in her throat at how his voice tossed back and forth from angry to desperate. She finished packing the bag.

"Let me take you home." She said softly looking at his lost expression.

"I can find my way." He looked at her.

"Josh.." She took a deep breath.

"Donna go home." He shook his head dismissively.

"Joshua please talk to me." She bit her lip to keep from crying.

"Go home." He ordered harshly. She took a deep breath before turning towards the door.

"You can call me if you need me." She reminded him softly.

"I won't." He told her bluntly.

"You can." She repeated.

"I won't need to." He muttered as she left, just to hurt her.

* * *

_I wear this crown of thorns  
Upon my liar's chair  
Full of broken thoughts  
I cannot repair __

* * *

__**(12-24-2001)**_

She watched him watch the doctor sink the needle into the open wound without flinching. He met her concerned gaze with a smirk.

"Best part of going crazy?" He told her. "Being completely numb. This is what it feels like to feel nothing."

The doctor raised an eyebrow but said nothing as she stitched him up. It was obvious Donna had called ahead. That was so like her. An ambulance pulled up outside and he flinched, casting a glance at Donna. She took his good hand in hers and studied his suddenly pale face.

"Josh?" He looked back at his hand and then up at the doctor.

"Done?" She nodded at him as he stood up. "Lets go."

* * *

_Beneath the stains of time  
The feelings disappear  
You are someone else  
I am still right here  
_

* * *

"Josh?" Her quiet reminder made him move forward again. He missed the lock completely with the key. She took it and unlocked the door, reaching back for his hand and pulling him inside. "You hungry?" He shook his head. 

"I'm going to make tea. Want some?" He heard the plea in her voice and forced himself to look at her She was looking at the window.

"Sure." He smiled weakly and watched her turn on the kettle before looking back at the window. "Donna. I-." She looked over to see him wincing in apology.

"Don't." She pleaded, crossing the room and pulling the comforter off of the back of his couch and draping it over him. "Just let me take care of you."

"Donnatella." He caught her wrist when she went to stand up. "I'm sorry.. about they way I've been-." She looked away, wiping her eyes with her other palm. He moved down her wrist and grasped her hand in his. "Hey"

"I should have come home with you." She whispered.

"You didn't know."

"I did." She squeaked. "I'd already talked to Leo. I shouldn't have left you alone." The tears slipped out of her eyes and down her cheeks. "I left you alone."

"I was awful to you." He shook his head, pulling her down onto his lap and holding his arms tight around her.

"I know better than to leave you-."

"You.." He swallowed hard, pressing his lips against her forehead. "You are the only person I know will never leave me."

"What about you?" She turned her body to face him. "Will you leave me?"

He studied her for a moment before slowly shaking his head. Pushing back her blond hair.

"Promise?"

"I swear."

_

* * *

What have I become?  
My sweetest friend  
Everyone I know goes away  
In the end

* * *

**(Present)** _

What have I become?My sweetest friendEveryone I know goes awayIn the end 

She watched the man dress her hand, before thanking him.

"Go home." She whispered to Sam, taking the elevator towards ICU.

Her eyes took him in from the edge of the bed.

"Mrs. Lyman?" Jessica looked at her softly after checking Josh's IV. "I thought you went home for the night." It had taken half the staff of GW and half the staff of the White House to convince her. "What happened to your hand?"

"I hurt myself." She told her calmly. "It's no big deal. I wasn't paying attention." She added mechanically.

"Can I get you anything Mrs. Lyman?" The woman held Donna's gaze for a moment as she shook her head.

"You promised Josh." She whispered when they were alone in the room. "You promised me." She put her hand over his heart before stretching out beside him in the bed.

* * *

_And you could have it all  
My empire of dirt

* * *

"_She's strong." CJ whispered. 

"She's not invincible." Sam rubbed his face. "She just touched the burner CJ. She just put her hand on the damn-." He rubbed his face again. "I can't .. I can't keep up this election. I can't keep.."

"Sam, Josh wouldn't want you to risk this election for anything." Toby yelled from the waiting room couch.

"Josh asked me to take care of his wife and today I watched her burn herself on the damn stove!" Sam yelled, kicking the coffee table as he stood up.

"So what do we do? Call Stanley Keyworth?" Toby asked slowly.

"No." CJ shook her head.

"No?" Sam squeaked.

"No, we bring in Stanley and she's going to freak out." CJ waved her arms at Sam. "She's on the edge. Lets try and keep her there instead of pushing her over."

"How do we do that?" Ainsley whispered.

"We send in the big guns." CJ muttered reaching for the phone.

* * *

_I will let you down  
I will make you hurt_

* * *

"Donna?" The woman spoke softly, moving her hand through her hair in short strokes. 

"Abbey?" She didn't open her eyes, simply brought her non bandaged hand up and pressed it against the other woman's arm. "They sent you?"

"They're worried."

"I..." She closed her eyes tightly. "How many times am I going to have to do this?"

"I don't know Sweetie." Donna twisted around on Josh's bed until she was facing the Former First Lady.

"How do you do it?" She pleaded.

"I just do it." Abbey whispered.

"He's not Josh when he wakes up."

"Donna, he's still Josh." Abbey soothed.

"He's really confused. They say it may get worse. They said he could become irrational, unreasonable, inappropriate, have emotional outbursts.." She shook her head.

"Sounds like Josh to me." Helen Santos laughed from the doorway.

Donna looked up at her boss, her face turning to look at the woman beside her.

"Mal?" She squeaked pushing herself up to sit.

"Donna." Mallory McGarry crossed the room and wrapped her arms around her surrogate brother's wife.

"CJ called in the Sisterhood." Ainsley pulled the reluctant campaign manager into the room.

"Oh God please tell me that Amy's not out there!" Donna teased from the safety of Mallory's shoulder.

"Come on. We're taking you home." Abbey Bartlett told her pulling her up from the bed. "Zoey's making a pitcher of Margarita's as we speak."

"I can't leave him alone." Donna cast a glance back at her husband.

"You don't have to." Sam called softly from the door way, rolling Jed Bartlett into the room.

"Brotherhood's here." The Former President smiled slowly.

Donna kissed the older man's head and allowed them to lead her out of the room.

"What if she's right?" Toby whispered to Sam as Bartlett took up his bedside vigil with Josh. "What if he's not Josh?"

"I don't know."

* * *

_If I could start again  
A million miles away

* * *

_Somewhere. Josh Lyman was trying to remember what it meant to be Josh Lyman. The words swirled just out of reach of his consciousness. 

He'd been listening to his wifes pleas. He'd heard his friends promises. He'd heard the doctor's fears. he just couldn't seem to understand it. Everythingseemed.. just out of his reach.

* * *

_I would keep myself  
I would find a way_


	7. Life Ain't Always Beautiful

**Life Ain't Always Beautiful

* * *

**

_Life aint always beautiful  
Sometimes it's just plain hard  
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

* * *

_

**(Present)**

They'd set up shop in the waiting room of GW. The secret service had closed the whole side off anyhow and it was easier to be supportive of Donna, and honestly -supported by Josh, from the halway of GW.

"_**Annabeth!"**_

"_**Annabeth.**" _

"_**Will Josh Lyman be returning to the White House?"**_

"_Josh Lyman is the White House Chief of Staff. He works here." _The tiny blond spat from the podium.

"Nice one." CJ muttered leaning against the vending machine Toby was shaking. "You know like hundreds of people a year are crushed to death while shaking vending machines right?"

Toby shot her a dirty look.

"_**Is the Secret Service concerned that Josh is a risk for the president?"**_

"We've always been concerned Josh was a risk." CJ muttered.

"_Josh Lyman is a risky guy." _Annabeth quipped, CJ let out an amused snort.

"_**Annabeth! Are there concerns that the apparent war on Josh Lyman makes being around him a security risk for President Santos? That he could be shot by mistake."**_

"_Need I remind you that Josh was the one shot by mistake in the first place? This administration would not turn it's back on one of its' own. This administration is a packaged deal. You pick a fight with one of us.."_ The blond narrowed her eyes at the reporter before they widened slowly in realization of her statement.

"Shit." CJ muttered.

"Damn it." Toby kicked the machine.

Sam looked up from his lap top.

"What just happened?" He looked from CJ to Toby.

"Annabeth just declared war on the West Virgina White Pride in the name of Matt Santos." Toby yelled.

"She did?" He raised his eyebrows. "Are you sure? Because I missed where she said that."

"Shit." CJ flinched as Toby kicked the machine again.

"She did not say that." He defended.

"_**Are you saying that the Santos Administration is at War with the West Virgina White Pride?"**_

"_I didn't say that_." Annabeth muttered nervously.

"See, she didn't say that." Seaborn said hopefully.

"Shit." CJ knocked her head into the vending machine.

"**Annabeth!**"

"**Annabeth!"**

"**Annabeth!**"

* * *

_Life aint always beautiful  
You think you're on your way  
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

* * *

_

"Mrs. Lyman, these things are to be expected."

"It frustrates him. He knows what he wants to say but he can't figure out how to say it." She rubbed her own face in frustration.

"Again, this is normal." Dr. Thomas assured her.

"Really? What about getting shot twice by white supremacists is normal Doctor?"

"Mrs. Lyman."

"For Christ sake, call me Donna!" She tossed her hands in the air.

"Stop." Josh called slowly from the bed, his New England accent topping out over his impaired speech. "Cant'.. both.. be... be...be.."

"Frustrated?" Donna spit out shaking her head back and forth.

"Ob-nox-ious." He said slowly. She shot him a shocked look of disdain before smiling.

"Sure. You can come up with that, but when the show you the picture of a spatula your mind goes blank."

He shook his head before the television caught his attention again. He looked worried.

"What's happening?" She asked, as he scrunched up his eyebrows.

"_War?_" He muttered. Donna looked up at the screen. Annabeth was being ambushed.

"DONNA!"CJ came around the corner quickly.

"What happened?" Donna was still starring at the television.

"SPIN!" Josh ordered pointing his finger at CJ. "Spin Spin Spin."

"Great Josh we get it, you Wordmaster." Donna sputtered. "What happened?"

"She misspoke." CJ shook her head.

"She doesn't do that." Donna whispered.

"She did." CJ blinked at her.

"She doesn't." Donna insisted.

"Donna, she misspoke. It happens."

"She doe-."

"WORDMASTER!" Josh clapped his hand against the bed tray, shooting his wife an annoyed gaze before looking back at CJ. "SSSPPPIIIINNNN!" He pointed at the door.

"I'm going! I'm going!" She hollered.

"DANNY!" Josh yelled, craning his head enough to see CJ pull out her phone and start dialing. He turned to his wife still shaking his head. "Wordmaster." He gestured to himself.

"Spatula." She said smartly cocking her pretty blond head. He shot her a dirty look.

* * *

_But the struggles make you stronger  
And the changes make you wise  
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

* * *

_

**(Seven years ago)**

"Make sure you sell it." Josh whined looking down at the notes again.

"I'll sell it." Annabeth insisted.

"I mean really. It's important on so many levels." He huffed out a breath.

"I'll sell it Josh." She rolled her eyes and started out the door.

"Annabeth?" He stood in the doorway of the office.

"Joshua I said I'd.." She turned around dramatically.

"No.. I just wanted you to know that.. I um.. I remembered." He sputtered. She glanced back at where he stood with Sam. "Donna, Sam and I were going to go over there at lunch if you.."

She smiled sweetly before shaking her head slowly.

"I have other plans." She called, making her way out the door.

* * *

_No, life aint always beautiful  
Tears will fall sometimes

* * *

_

"On a personal note. I wanted to take a moment of silence in remembrance for the life of Leo McGarry on his 70th birthday." Donna stopped, turning her attention back towards the briefing before reaching out for Josh's hand. He watched the screen in silence with her while Annabeth stood with closed eyes, tears slipping down her round cheeks.

"He was a good man, a dear friend. He is remembered by all of us, and honored by the happiness of his two daughters and his grandson. Thank you." She closed the briefing book and walked purposefully off he podium.

"Josh?" Donna whispered tentatively turning to face her husband.

"She must have misspoke." He shook his head slowly. "I-."

"She doesn't do that."

"Donna, Mallory's an only child. I've known her all her life." He pulled his wife along the edge of the mess looking for Sam.

"Hey." Seaborn called out. "She misspoke."

"She doesn't do that." Donna insisted.

"So what? Mallory has a sister out there none of us knows about?" Sam raised an eyebrow at Josh who shook his head.

"No. Mal is an-." Josh stopped short, fixing his eyes on the doorway.

"Oh my God, Josh." Donna whispered in realization, watching Annabeth greet Margaret in the doorway, pulling three year old Leah from her arms and kissing her round face. "Oh my God."

"She doesn't misspeak?" Seaborn pushed out under his breath as Mallory came in behind the other women, and grabbed up the little girl. The resemblance between them was suddenly overwhelming.

"Never." Donna breathed back.

* * *

_Life aint always beautiful  
But it's a beautiful ride

* * *

_

**(Present) **

"Oh my freaking God!" Annabeth screamed tossing briefing notebook onto her desk. "Someone get in here and shoot me!" Her phone started ringing. She looked down in shock before picking it up. "Josh?"

"Fine." He said softly.

"It's not." She whispered. "I.. I..."

"Misspoke." He said softly.

"I don't do that."

"'S fine.."

"Josh.."

"Spin Spin Spin..."

"Into what?"

"Donna?" She heard him whisper as the phone drifted further from his voice.

"It's going to be fine. CJ's already on it. It'll be old news by the time the pundits hit the circuit." Donna pressed her lips together. "If anything it's a war on hate crimes. No wait! A war against violent acts of intolerance."

"Donna tell him I'm sorry."

"He says it's okay."

"Yeah?"

"Really."

"Are you sure he says it's okay?"

"Yeah. Just don't ask him to say spatula."

* * *

_Life aint always beautiful __Some days I miss your smile  
I get tired of walkin all these lonely miles

* * *

_

**(Seven years ago)**

"You didn't see how telling me may have been beneficial to my situation at the time?" Donna huffed dropping down beside Margaret on her couch.

"Would it have changed things?"

"Probably." She shook her head.

"Would you go back and change anything now?" Margaret made a face.

"No." Donna admitted. "So it'd been going on.."

"On and off for years."

"ON AND OFF?" She shrieked.

"Yes."

"How did you two work together? How did you-?" Donna shook her head, thinking of the woman Leo had dated, and how the very thought of Amy Gardner made her insane. She couldn't have imagined.

"How did you and Josh?" Margaret shrugged.

"We weren't having **sex** then **not having sex!**"

"No you were wanting to risk it and not wanting to risk it." Margaret shook her little red head. "It's the same thing."

"No it's not." Donna corrected. "It's definitely not."

"Sure." Margaret looked down at her hands. "He didn't.. love me... the way Josh loved you Donna."

"That's ridiculous. You and Leo.." She shook her head.

"I don't think I even realized it until he met Annabeth."

"Oh God." Donna hung her head for a second.

"He loved Annabeth like that."

"Margaret.. People don't just keep you around out of habit.."

"No.. no they don't." She got that far off look on her face before returning to her usual rapid line of speech. "He loved me, Donna. I know that, but he never **_loved _**me. He needed me. He counted on me and I loved him more than anything." She cocked her head to the side. "He loved me the way everyone thought Josh loved you."

"What?"

"Everyone thought Josh was.. you know.. using you and that you were letting him. But it was the real deal. Meanwhile the Chief of Staff was shnaucking his assistant down the hall and know one would have guessed. That's how you can tell if it's real I guess. If you can hide it.. it's not real."

Donna stood stunned for a second before turning her head towards the photo of her Josh and their baby and nodding slowly.

"He would have loved her." Margaret said slowly. Donna turned her head back. "I never told him. Lied when he asked me.."

"Margaret.." Donna gasped.

"Annabeth said he always kind of knew."

"Oh Margaret." Her friend moaned slowly.

"I mentioned to Annabeth that Leah's been asking and she shrugged her shoulders and muttered something about being people first. Next thing you know.."

"I had no idea." Donna said softly.

"No one did." She smiled sadly. "It wasn't real."

* * *

_And I wish for just one minute  
I could see your pretty face  
Guess I can dream, but life don't work that way

* * *

_

Leah Beth McGarry stood, in tutu posed perfection, in a frame on Zoey Bartlett Young's livingroom shelf.. The former president had often seen how McGarry's eyes would drift across the room to it from his corner side vigil.

"If I finally drop dead do you get to haunt your kids?" Jed asked slowly watching Leo roll his eyes in exasperation.

"Hum?" Charlie Young looked curiously at his father in law before huffing back at the instructions.

"Nothing." He watched the boy for a second before grinning. "Charlie. The first rule of fatherhood is never read the instructions." Charlie blinked up at him as he reached down from his chair and gripped one of the side rails of the unassembled crib. "This looks like it hooks on to that."

The father-to-be lifted an eyebrow curiously at him, before pulling the other piece from the pile.

* * *

_But the struggles make me stronger  
And the changes make me wise  
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

* * *

_

"Spatula." Lyman muttered to himself turning over the card and situating himself in front of it again before flipping it over. "Spatula."

He thumbed the photo with his finger triumphantly.

With her head still buried in her file, Donna reached into the stack and pulled out another item.

"Wordmaster." Josh muttered like a mantra. "Wordmaster.." He squinted his eyes at the photo. "Boot." Donna looked up at him in surprise, bending the card back to her own face to reveal a black combat boot. "Wordmaster."

She smirked at him.

"760." He raised an eyebrow. She started to talk but he held up his hand expectantly. "Spatula."

Donna Lyman grinned at him for a second before he smugly went back to MSNBC and she started back into the file.

* * *

_No, life aint always beautiful  
But i know I'll be fine

* * *

_

"Honestly Jed I don't know why you'd even think about selling the farm."

"You don't want to live there." He said slowly. "It's stupid to keep it."

"Why would you think I don't want to live-."

"Abigail. You're happier here. Charlie and Zoey are here. The rest of the kids.." He shook his head. "When Liz runs for office.."

"Jed. You love that farm." She shook her head. Bartlett looked at Leo.

"Sam's probably chomping at the bit to make you Sergent General." He continued.

"You don't want to be in Washington anymore Jed You made that clear."

"I'm not going to be here for ever Abbey." He told her softly touching her shoulder.

"Jed."

"He's been waiting a long time Abbey." Looking back at his friend.

"God can wait a little longer." She muttered. He didn't correct her assumption.

"I'm just saying it's time to start thinking about things." He watched her turn her face away. "I won't always be here."

* * *

_Hey, life aint always beautiful

* * *

_

**(Seven years ago)**

"Hey." Josh wandered out of their bedroom and into the living room holding Noah when she walked through the door. "Did you talk to her?" She watched him settle Noah in the bassinet by the couch. It could have been her. It could have been her. If they'd have been right? It would have been. "Hey? Helllllooo?"

She tossed her arms around him pulling him tightly against her.

"I love you." She breathed into his shoulder.

"I love you. What's going on?" He sunk onto the couch and pulling her onto his lap.

"Nothing." She muttered pushing her face into his neck.

"It's true?" He laid his cheek against her head.

"Yeah." She sniffed.

"How could he just-?" Donna could feel the protectiveness radiate from him, she tried to inhale it.

"He didn't know. She lied." Donna pulled back and looked at him. "She lied to him."

"Donnatella?"

"Josh?"

"Swear to me you wouldn't have done that." He pleaded looking past her towards where his son slept, remembering back a year before, when they'd stood in Will's apartment and faced their future head on.

"You would have known." She started to cry. "You know when it's real."

"Donna?" He pulled her face back. "Please don't cry."

"I could have been your past. I could have watched you fall in love with someone else! I could have watched you leave me.I believed them when they told me it wasn't-. It could have been me."

"Never." He said softly. "Not ever."

* * *

_But it's a beautiful ride  
What a beautiful ride_


	8. Chasing Cars

**A/N alot had to happen here and nothing really got the attention I wanted it too... let me know what you think. and I just realized no flash backs in this one.. oops. sorry! Please reveiw!**

**Lori.**

**

* * *

**

**Chasing Cars

* * *

**

_We'll do it all  
Everything  
On our own

* * *

_

**"Danny!"**

**"Danny!" **

**"Danny!"**

"**Is the Seaborn Campaign at war with the-?"**

"Kathrine come on. She never even said the word. It was Bob McCafrey from the Post. Annabeth never even said the word. Lets get real here."

"**What type of retaliation would the Seaborn/Bailey take-."**

"Stop! Come on guys. The neither the administration or the campaign is looking to retaliate on anyone. The people involved in this shooting were taken into custody immediately following it and are awaiting trial now. This campaign is focused on the future."

**"Can this campaign continue without Josh Lyman behind it?"**

"Josh Lyman is the Chief of Staff, not the Campaign Manager." Danny took a quick breath.

**"Is Sam Seaborn considering dropping out of the race for the presidency?" **

Danny's eyebrows hit his hair line.

"Absolutely not."

**"I have a source that says-."**

"Your source is wrong."

**"-that several members of the campaign, your wife included, were heard yelling-."**

"All Campaign staff share in the common goal of-."

**"-during a discussion about whether or not Josh Lyman would want them to continue towards this election."**

"Josh Lyman does want them to continue towards this election."

**"Is he able to communicate this?"**

"Yes."

**"Is he forcing Seaborn to run despite fears of another attack?"**

"No one is forcing Sam Seaborn to-."

**"Danny!"**

**"Danny!"**

**"Danny!" **

* * *

_We don't need  
Anything  
Or anyone

* * *

_

"Spatula." Josh swore slapped his hand down on the tray, Donna jumped. He winced at her.

"That's it. We're done. You can't get all crazy before Joanie and Noah get here. You'll scare them." Donna muttered, turning the television off. Josh shook his head and pointed at the phone.

"Sam." He demanded.

"No." She shook her head.

"Donna." He begged gesturing back towards the now dark TV.

"No." She said softly adjusting the blankets around him

"Media nightmare!" He demanded, watching a satisfied grin slip across his wife's face in appreciation of his lengthly sentence. He smiled at her before remembering his plea.

"No." She told him with a look of finality. "The kids are coming."

* * *

_If I lay here  
If I just lay here  
Would you lay with me and just forget the world? _

* * *

"Shit." Sam watched Danny sink further into the fray. Ainsley bit her lip, watching how her husband froze his hands stuck in the knot of his tie. She reached for the phone and started dialing for Donna. He took her hand and pulled it away. 

"We need them on this." She whispered. He shook his head, laying the phone back on the receiver and pulling her down beside him.

"You want breakfast?" He leaned in and kissed her head. "How 'bout I make us some eggs?"

"Sam. Josh is going to have a fit if you don't-."

"Let them have today." He whispered softly pressing his lips into her neck. "If we can dig ourselves out we'll do it tomorrow. Let them have today." She nodded. "I'm going to make eggs." He moved out of the bedroom she waited until he was at the door.

"It may have been me." She whispered quietly. "That they heard saying you should quit." She watched him turn his head to the side, not fully looking at her.

"You think I should quit?" He asked not looking at her.

"No." The word had slipped off of her lips before she'd had time to think. "I-. You were born for this Samuel.".

"It wasn't you." He sighed.

"I said that I-." She started to argue.

"It was me." She looked up to see his serious face holding firm. "I said it." He nodded briskly. "Now.. what do you want on your eggs?"

* * *

_I don't quite know  
How to say  
How I feel_

* * *

Toby felt Johanna's grip tighten on his large hand the closer they came to Josh's room. 

"Can he still talk?" Noah asked suddenly.

"Yes." Toby answered for the fourth time.

"Cause it was hard for him before."

"I know Noah but he's getting better everyday." He repeated.

"Joanie gets scared." He said ominously.

"She'll be okay." He assured him.

"I want Mommy."The little girl whispered.

"You always say that." Noah admonished.

"It's hard when Mommy is here at the hospital." Toby gave Johanna's hand a squeeze.

"But it helps Dad. Aunt Helen says she's the only one who can control him." Noah said knowingly.

"Your Mom loves your Dad very much." Toby reached down and lifted Johanna into his arms and carried her the rest of the way. The little girl settled herself on his shoulder with her face away from the door. Toby squeezed her a little tighter.

* * *

_Those three words  
Are said too much  
They're not enough

* * *

_

"I can't find the red."

"Keep looking." CJ paced back towards the door of her apartment.

"What colors make red?" She turned her face back towards the kitchen where Taylor sat coloring, her eyes never leaving the door. .

"Umm.. none. Red's a primary color. You can't make it." She breathed looking at her watch again.

"Only God can?"

It was nine am and there was already way to much to do. Way to much to spin. She looked up at the ceiling. He should be back by now.

"Mom?" Taylor pulled on the edge of her blouse. "Only god can make red?"

"Yeah. I guess." She studied Taylor's face. Why on Earth had schlepping her daughter back to DC and getting wrapped up in Politics again seemed like a good idea? Because Josh said so? Why on Earth did anyone listen to Josh anyway? Look where this whole mess got him.

She wasn't looking up when the door opened and Danny wandered in dropping his jacket on the chair by the door.

"A heads up might have been nice CJ." He looked at her with wild eyes, before following her gaze to Taylor. "Hi Pumpkin."

"God makes red." Taylor told him seriously.

"God and the heavenly folks at Crayola." He muttered, picking up the missing red crayon from the floor and handing it to his daughter. The little girl grinned before moving down the hall to the kitchen. "Why didn't I know this?"

She pulled her eyes up to him.

"That God created red?" She stalled.

"CJ, I looked like an idiot up there."

"Get used to it."

"CJ."

"He didn't mean it. He's just worried about Josh and Donna." She told him.

"He said the words?"

"Twice, well maybe more than twice." Danny dropped his head back. "But only twice when someone other than us could have heard him."

"Oh God this is bad." Danny moaned.

"We have three months." CJ whispered. "We can fix it."

"Does Sam want this?"

"Yes. I think so." He widened his eyes at her. "I'm almost positive."

"Oh-my-God." Danny held her eyes for a second, watching hers tear up. "We have to.. we.."

"Wait. We have to wait." She wiped angrily at her eyes. "Now, at what's probably the most crucial time for the whole damn election we have to.." Danny pulled her to him pressing his hand against the back of her neck. "Why are we doing this?"

"Daddy?" He down at his little girl, standing there holding up a boxy picture of gray lines and green bushes dotted with red circles. "It's the White House."

Danny smiled, pulling back and looking at his wife for a second.

"Mommy, It's the White House."

* * *

_If I lay here  
If I just lay here  
Would you lay with me and just forget the world?

* * *

_

"Cat." Josh smiled at his daughter as she watched the photo wide eyed.

"C-A-T, Cat?" Twisted her face up and looked at him inquisitively. He turned the card around to reveal the letters to her. She grinned proudly, before rummaging through to find another card. Holding it up to him, carefully guarding the word on the back from her own view. "This one."

Josh eyed the card for a second, Donna turned around nervously. He'd mastered these months ago, she knew that's why he'd picked this stack to do with Joanie. She watched him eye the card cautiously before looking worriedly at his little girl.

"Banana." He said softly, Donna smiled as Joanie tossed her head back and groaned.

"I can't do that one!" The four year old whined.

"Johanna." Josh admonished softly.

"Yes you can." Donna soothed. "You can do it."

"No she can't." Noah muttered from his perch beside his father, still hacking away at his game boy.

"Hey." Josh poked at his son.

"Noah Samuel!" Donna shook her head at him.

"What? She doesn't know when to stop." He squeaked in his own defense, sounding just like his father. "I'm just saying."

Josh shot him a dirty look before turning back to his daughter.

"Banana." He said frimly. She squinted her eyes again and chewed on her lip.

"B-A-N-A-N-A-N-." She looked at Josh. "Too many?"

"Yup." Noah chirped.

"How many too many?" She whined tossing her head back again. Josh raised his eyebrows at the line of N's and A's on the flash card before blowing out a puff of air.

"Donna?" He looked towards her.

"One N too many." She said sweetly before pulling the game boy from Noah's hands and sitting on the edge of the bed next to her little girl. "Close though, Baby." She smoothed her blond hair down. "I think that's enough for today. Daddy's already had therapy and four year olds don't need to know how to spell Banana." Josh rolled his eyes at her.

"740." He reminded.

"Yes and look where it got you." Donna gestured at the flash cards before pulling out a tattered box.

"Moooommm!" Noah rolled his eyes.

"Doonnnaaa!" Josh rolled his too.

"It's counting and fine motor." She muttered to Josh.. "We'll add math for you and me." She told Noah, pulling the lid off of HIHO Cherry-O and setting the game on the bed tray.

"Can we pull them off with our toes?" Noah asked sarcastically. "That might even the field enough."

"Hey." Josh retorted poking his son again.

"I'll be on Daddy's team, you'll be on Johanna's." Donna said softly.

"Dad!" Noah whined shooting his brown eyes up to his father. Josh grimaced, swinging his arm awkwardly over his son's shoulder.

"Sorry Buddy." He muttered looking nervously at the tiny stems on the plastic cherries Donna and Johanna were carefully dropping onto the tree's on the game board.

* * *

_Forget what we're told  
Before we get too old  
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

* * *

_

"Abbey!" Helen Santos waved her hands frantically for a second until her predecessor smiled and started towards her. "Jed's not coming?"

"He has good days and bad days?" Helen nodded at her friend. "Today's a very bad day."

"I'm sorry." She stopped walking for a second. "If you need to be there-."

Abbey put her hand up and smiled.

"He practically pushed me out the door with his mind. It's fine." She smiled sadly. "I'm glad I can help. And from what I saw this morning? They need it."

"You're telling me." Helen rolled her eyes, as one of the agents opened the door to Seaborn/Bailey headquarters. "Good afternoon." She shook her head at Sam, standing tie disheveled, holding Leo upside down.

"Oh thank God." He whispered leaning in and kissing each of them on the cheek. "We're in a hole."

"Nah." Abbey untangled Leo from him and sat the boy beside her on an empty desk. "It's just a glitch. She reached in her purse and pulled out a fruit by the foot, handing it to the eager five year old.

"Thanks Nana!" Leo yelled slipping off the desk and running back down the hall. "Taylor! Nana's gave me candy!"

Abbey rolled her eyes and pulled out another fruit by the foot. She looked at Sam before handing him a folded piece of paper.

"It's from Jed." She whispered, patting his arm before moving down the hallway. "Taylor B! I have some for you too."

Sam looked at Abbey for a second before unfolding the letter.

* * *

_Let's waste time  
Chasing cars  
Around our heads

* * *

_

"Dad?" Charlie Young wandered into the back room of the condo that his in laws had purchased. It was nice. Sparse. The back bedroom was trying hard not to look like the hospice room that it was, decorated in deep greens and blues and filled with books and artifacts from a life lived amazingly well. Charlie smiled at Jed Bartlett. The man slept, slightly propped against the pillows, his hands still poised on the keyboard of the computer. Charlie pulled the screen to face him.

His heart stopped a little when he saw his son's name.

_David, _

_The closer we get to your birth the more and more I realize that I won't be here to greet you. I can only hope that these letters help you to know how much I love you. How much of a dream you are to all of us. How your family has watched as your parents have grown into adults, fallen in love and overcome adversity to be together. This pages are not just the story of my life, but the story of yours and our family's. _

_It is a history lesson. It is a heartfelt gift. _

_Until we meet again,_

_Grandpa_

The man moved through the files on the computer. There we hundreds of files, all marked with titles and dates. Charlie looked back at his father in law. Jed's eyes blinked open and looked into his.

"I stayed for you." Came the painfully slow whisper.

Charlie opened his mouth to say something, only to close it again. Jed smiled at him.

"Leo's waiting." He rasped.

Charlie nodded his head carefully.

"I love you son." He smiled closing his eyes slowly. Charlie started towards the door. He should get a nurse, he should call Abbey. Jed reached out a shaky hand and clasped his, shaking his head slowly, the slow smile still across his face as he slipped back into unconsciousness.

* * *

_I need your grace  
To remind me  
To find my own

* * *

_

"Can I have everyone out here for a minute?" Sam called softly, watching his campaign staff wander out into the main room. "I have a message for all of us." He held up the letter looking at Abbey. She grinned at him, pulling Taylor down on her lap.

"_Sam,_

_If I counted all the times I regretted taking Leo's advice, If I counted all the times I wanted to back out the door of the oval and run to the nearest bus station, If I counted the number of times I wondered why in the hell I let my best friend talk me into this nonsense.. well. I can't count that high._

_Then I'd look around at all of you. Eyes posed on me to see what was next and I'd know. It was my time to lead._

_It's your time Sam._

_Man overcomes, the party overcomes, the country overcomes._

_We've moved beyond MS, Alcoholism, Racism, Leo's Death, more bigotry.. _

_This to shall pass.. more will come.. and it will still be your turn to lead_."

He swallowed hard and looked around the room his eyes falling on Toby's seriously determined face. He smiled at CJ and Danny before looking at Ainsley and taking a long slow breath.

"I haven't been much of a leader lately." He shook his head. "I'm sorry about that." He met CJ's eyes, she smiled at him. "Lets do this. CJ, you and Toby set up some spin with the major networks. Let talk about our new policies. Ignore this.. tell them how hard a work we've been. Danny I want you with me at the thing." He gestured towards the door. "I need someone on the press corps to plant a question to Santos. Something about asking his advice about something.. showing I'm still in the game.." Danny nodded quickly. "Deanna, update Josh and Donna. Make sure they're okay with all of this. I'm gonna need Donna to okay some updates on Josh's progress."

"I'll do them." Abbey said firmly .Sam nodded and her holding her eyes for a few more seconds than he needed to.

"Someone call Amy Gardener and see if it would increase female support if I went on Chris Mathew and talked about Josh or if it would just drudge up the slash rumors?" Elise leaned over and poked him. He looked back at his assistant and nodded. Ainsley moved forward and straightened his tie."I have to go. Danny?"

Concannon moved towards the door as Sam filed out.

"I'm sorry.. about this morning." Sam muttered looking at Danny. "We were stupid. I know better then to talk like that in public."

"You were worried about Josh. We all are."

"Still. I'm sorry." Sam insisted.

"Are you always going to do that?" Danny laughed.

"What?"

"Apologize for everything you don't do perfectly?"

"Yes."

* * *

_If I lay here  
If I just lay here  
Would you lay with me and just forget the world?

* * *

_

Donna moved the pizza box off of the bed and put it on the cart by the door. She turned around and watched Josh. He'd been fixated on the cherries for the majority of the afternoon, but now it was getting ridiculous. She watched him attempt to lower his pinched thumb and finger hovering over the tiny plastic stem. He smashed his eye together before letting his hand drop onto the board sending cherries flying in every direction with a growl. Noah looked up from his fathers side, lowering the game boy to his lap.

"It's okay." He whispered quietly. "You'll get it."

Josh smiled at his son, pressing his chin into the top of the boy's head.

"Are we done watching Pretty Ponies boys?" Donna smiled brushing a plastic cherry out of her sleeping daughter's hair.

"Please." Josh moaned glancing up at the pink and blue horses conversing on the screen. Donna pressed the button and CNN flashed back into view.

"It's Uncle Sam." Noah mumbled pointing towards the television. Sam's speech was wrapping up. Danny was handing him a piece of paper. His face was ashen.

Josh looked quickly at Donna who's eyes were transfixed on the screen. Sam's body flinched when he read the paper, turning back and looking at Danny who nodded.

"Lady's and Gentlemen I've just received word that Former President Jed Bartlett's health crisis has taken a turn for the worse. He's being cared for in his DC home where he is surrounded by his family and friends. Thank you."

"Not now." Donna whispered.

"Is Grandpa going to die?" Noah asked turning his head to Josh. Lyman looked at the screen, watching Sam talking frantically to Danny as they hurried back to the car.

"Noah you know Grandpa Jed is very sick." His wife whispered turning off the television as pictures of the Bartlett's began to fill the screen.

"I.. We.." Josh shook his head before turning to Donna. "Ya needa go."

"Josh." Donna looked at the screen.

"Mom we have to!"

"Go Donna." Josh pleaded.

"Nana needs us mom." Noah squealed. Donna glanced at Joanie asleep at the foot of the bed.

"Leave-er." Josh motioned towards the door. "Go."

"I'll send someone to get her." Donna muttered. The phone in the room started to ring. Josh grabbed it.

"Go." He motioned towards Noah who jumped off the bed and started towards the door. "Yah. CJ. She's comin'. Yeah. CJ? Abbey... Tell-er I-." He rubbed his face. "Thanks."

* * *

_Forget what we're told  
Before we get too old  
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

* * *

_

"_**I don't know Mark, this is defiantly another emotional blow for the Seaborn Campaign. The main players of their Campaign for Presidency are former Bartlett administration alumnae. They're like a family. If Sam Seaborn was looking for a way out this is defiantly it."**_

_**  
"I disagree Pat. I think that this is exactly the kind of tragic event that will give the Seaborn Administration the fuel it needs for the last eleven weeks. Jed Bartlett's legacy alone may push this campaign into over drive." **_

"_**It's possible. But it seems to me like it may be the final knock out. With the loss of the brilliant direction of Josh Lyman Seaborn was on the ropes. And now without the emotional support of Jed Bartlett he might be down for the count."**_

"_**I'll give you that one. Without Josh Lyman, who's mental status stil**l** remains a mystery, Sam Seaborn won't be able to pull through something like this. He needs him."**_

Josh looked away from the TV and down at his daughter, asleep on his chest, before his eyes wandered towards the game at his right. He pulled the table back over. Starring at them intently, he plucked the remaining six cherries off of the tree and deposited them triumphantly into the bucket.

* * *

_All that I am  
All that I ever was  
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

* * *

_

Jed Bartlett looked up at his best friend.

"Do I just leave?" He asked, looking around the room at the other people, moving like liquid.

"Yes." Leo sighed.

"I just leave?" He shook his head.

"I know it's hard." Leo sighed urging him to move forward.

"Sam's in the middle of a Campaign." Bartlett shook his head a Seaborn.

"I dropped dead on election night, Jed. There's always something. You just leave." Leo tossed his arm up in exasperation.

"Fine lets go." He sighed watching the room slip further away from his sight.

"After you Mister President." He gestured in front of him.

"And Leo?" Bartlet turned around to face McGarry. "Thanks for waiting."

"Ah..It's what friends do."

* * *

_I don't know where  
Confused about how as well  
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

* * *

_

"It's okay. Stay" He told Donna into the telephone, wiping the tears off of his own cheeks. "Abbey nds.." He sniffed in an effort to collect himself. "..you."

"Yeah.." He looked up at the door, his best friend stood g there sheepishly, his hands in his pockets. "Sam's 'ere" He smiled at him sadly. "love you to." He settled the phone down on the receiver and starred blankly at his friend.

The silence floated between them until Josh found the words. "Don't quit."

"I have to do this for him, but I can't do this alone."Seaborn shook his head, tears slipping over the red rims of his eyes. "Josh.. I'm not like you."

"Yu'r better." Josh blinked. "Yu'r like him." Sam dropped his chin to his chest, moving further into the room. "Better maybe."

Sam shook his head.

"Real thing.." Josh whispered. "Not alone." He watched his best friend nod. "Sit"

"There too much to do." Sam looked around the room.

"Tomorrow." Josh pointed to the recliner beside the bed and Sam dropped into it leaning back and closing his eyes. "Tomorrow."

* * *

_If I lay here  
If I just lay here  
Would you lay with me and just forget the world?_


	9. Everybody Wants to Rule the World

**A/N See.. this is why I don't usually let people pre-read. So if I sent you this chapter as a rough draft. It's totally different. The other stuff will come later. **

**I'm trying to get some story told but the characters are fighting about what's important in my head. Currently.. Sam is winning.. so she who wishes for ainsley. Lucky you. **

**please review. If you're getting the throtle just email me and let me know what you want to see happen and I'll try to convince the staff.. they have a mind of their own.. damn charachter developement.**

**Lori**

**Everybody Wants to Rule the World**

**wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww**

_Welcome to your life_

_There's no turning back_

_Even while we sleep_

_We will find you_

**wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww  
**

**(Present)**

**  
**

"You look good." Sam grinned lopsidedly at him, before brushing his shoulders off again.

"Yeah?" Josh looked at himself in the mirror across the room.

"Really." Sam nodded.

"Not sure I'm rdy for this." Josh smashed his hand onto his face.

"The funeral or facing the public?"

"Both?" He huffed. "Public.."

"No press with in two hundred feet Josh." Sam reminded.

"So Donna does Dateline." He smirked.

"She was going to do it anyway."Seaborn rolled his eyes. "Anyway, you're just jealous it's not you."

Josh smiled back at his friend as the door opened for their wives.

"Hey Beautiful." He hadn't realized how long it had been since he'd seen his wife out of baggy sweats and T-shirts. Standing before him in a short black dress she looked stunning.

"Ready?" She moved towards him, straightening out his tie and moving her hands along his shoulders until she was satisfied, indulging for a minute in the way he squared them until he was sitting straighter. She pushed her hands back against his now extremely short locks of hair, pulling back with a smile.

"Am I rdy now?" He winked at her.

"Keep up the snark. It'll give me ammo for Dateline." She told him bringing her lips to his.

"We need to go." Ainsley told them looking at her watch. Josh looked at the agent at the door. Pressing his lips together tightly.

"Josh?" Donna whispered.

"I'm okay." He told her rubbing his thumb across her hand. "I forget sometimes."

"I know." She said softly, looking up at Sam furrowing her eyes at his far off look.

"Honey." Ainsley put her hand on her shoulder. "Let's go."

wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

_Acting on your best behavior_

_Turn your back on mother nature_

_Everybody wants to rule the world_

**wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww**

**(Three months earlier-during runaway train)**

Sam glanced away from Charlie, Josh had finally started making his way to him. He'd been stuck shaking hands since he'd gotten out of the car.

"You're late." Sam turned his head away from the agent holding the umbrella for him.

"Donna's home. She was just getting there." Josh shook out his jacket and turned to look down the steps of the capital. "Good turn out."

"I thought Donna wasn't coming until-."

"Change of plans."

"You're wife gets to come home but mine has to stay in Omaha?"

"Hey you wanted to be President." Josh adjusted his sunglasses.

Sam rolled his eyes, shaking his head.

"I'm not even going to get started on-." Sam sighed.

**  
**

**"_Alpha this is Fox. Alpha this is Fox! CODE FIVE. CODE FIVE."_**

**  
**

"What the hell?" Josh's head wiped around just as Nick lunged for him.

**"_I have Harvard on the move._"**

**  
**

"Sam!" Josh yelled over Nick's shoulder. "Get Sam out of here. Let go of me." Nick put his hand on the back of Josh's shirt and lifted him from the ground. "I'll walk. I'll walk."

**"**_**Chicken Fighters on the move. I'm in pursuit!"** _Sam pulled forward from his agents a little trying to see Josh.

"Whoa Whoa. Where's Donna?" He could hear him beg as Nick pulled him past the podium.

"_**I have California on the move."** _

"Josh! What the hell's going-?"

"Where's my wife?"

"Ana's got her now shut up, turn around and move!" Sam heard Nick hiss at Josh.

Then he heard the shots

**wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww**

_It's my own design_

_It's my own remorse_

_Help me to decide_

**wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww**

**"**_**Shooter down. Shooter down. Area Secure Area Secure."** __S_am felt the weight of agents lifted off of his chest. Someone pulled him to his feet.

He was starring blankly at the pile of bloody bodies in front of him. Trying to convince himself that he hadn't just seen what he had. That one of the bodies was not his best friend.

**"_Harvard's been hit! Harvard's been hit!"_** So much for that theory, he felt himself slump back against the agent holding on to him as another rolled Nick slowly off of Josh

**"_I have an agent down! I have an agent down!"_ **Nick made a gasping sound, blood splattering from the sides of his lips onto the concrete floor. There was a hole in his neck and Sam couldn't take his eyes off of it.

**"_I have California on the mo-."_ **

**"**Hell no." Sam yelled. "No."

He moved forward towards Josh, watching the pavement behind him disappear behind a puddle of blood. He could hear Nick dying behind him, watching Josh's stunned eyes move slowly around the group, periodically rolling into the back of his head before coming into semi-focus again.

Looking for his wife. Sam realized, looking up to see Donna in a full run towards him with Ana on her heals

**wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.**

_Help me make the most_

_Of freedom and of pleasure_

_Nothing ever lasts forever_

**wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww**

**(Present)**

"Ready?" Mallory whispered rubbing her hand in circles on Zoe's back. She nodded and Sam extended his hand to her pulling the pregnant woman into his arms for a quick hug before Mallory lead her back up the hill away from the grave site.

He watched Abbey point out each flower arrangement to CJ and Helen who were nodding supportively. "Sam." He looked down at Josh. "Donna said you knew where.." For a moment he considered pretending he didn't know what he was talking about but he did. "She and Ainsley had flowers for Leo. I.. I wanna.."

Sam swallowed before wordlessly pushing Josh's wheel chair up the grass to the paved sidewalk, to a different part of Arlington.

"Molly's here too?" He asked softly as Sam moved off onto a smaller path.

"Yeah, and Simon." Seaborn took a deep breath before pushing Josh off of the pavement again. He rolled him up to the gravestone and stopped, taking a few steps back.

"He.. Delivered my son.." Sam closed his eyes. "He wz with me Every Day for eight.." Josh rubbed his face.

"He was a good man Josh."

"And he's dead because-."

"Because it was his Job, his calling, his life's passion to be the guy that jumped in front of you when the bullets started flying." Sam reminded him almost frantically.

"Why him?" Josh sniffed turning away from the stone to look at his friend. "Why me?"

"Because it's who we are." Sam said honestly.

**wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww**

_Everybody wants to rule the world_

_There's a room where the light won't find you_

_Holding hands while the walls come tumbling down_

**wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww**

"Here." Toby looked up at Charlie just in time to see the packet of papers drop onto his lap.

"What's this?"

"It's a history lesson." Charlie told him stoically.

"What?" Toby thumbed across the pages,

"It's his book." He watched Ziegler's eyes as he read a line or two.

"They're letters."

"Mostly. There are some little antidotes, some personal facts and data on the original staff."

"Like what?"

"Like Sam how many copies of the state of the union speech you made Sam write. How many times CJ and Josh got into it. How many times you called him out on the mat. It's all down there. From the Jackel to Nasa. It's personal and heartfelt and funny and you have to get it published."

"CJ would have a-."

"That's why I brought it to you."

"Does Abbey want-?" Charlie thrust out a copy of the funeral program, Toby took it, reading the scratchy hand writing crammed onto any blank space available.

"What's-?"

"It's the forward. She wrote it in the Limo on the way to the burial. It might be hard to decode but I'm sure you'll do fine." He watched Toby's eyes for a minute. "It's what's next."

_**wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww**_

_When they do I'll be right behind you_

_So glad we've almost made it_

_So sad they had to fade it_

**_wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww_**

"Josh?"

"Mr. President."

"You look.." He shook his head. "Man you're a sight for sore eyes."

"It's good to see you too." He said softly.

"I'm sorry I didn't find you last week at the funeral, I wanted to let you have some time with your family."

"Thank you sir."

"I-. Man Josh coming to the hospital was a nightmare. The whole place had to be shut down every time I-."

"Matt. I understand."

"Well.. that makes one of us." Santos sat on the coffee table and looked at his chief of Staff.

"Lou's been working out okay?" Josh lifted an eyebrow.

"She's not you." Matt shook his head. "She'll do though. The others that Donna suggested are working out. I don't care for the little one.. Mandy? She's good at her job, but she's an angry woman Josh."

Lyman smiled.

"Kate Bailey great when she's not being pulled to work on her husbands Vice Presidential campaign. Uh-Hum!" He coughed into his hand.

"Frog in your throat sir?"

"Anyway. Zoey Bartlett and Helen are getting along perfectly and Joey Lucas is America's sweetheart, she should have had Bram's job a long time ago."

"Didn't want it." Josh said smiling.

"When are you coming back?"

"Monday."Josh told him proudly.

**wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww**

_Everybody wants to rule the world_

_I can't stand this indecision_

_Married with a lack of vision_

**_wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww_**

"Here's the deal." Donna took a deep breath before turning towards Santos." Four hour days three days a week for the first two weeks." Matt watched Josh roll his eyes from over Donna's shoulder. "Don't roll your eyes at me Joshua or it will be two days." Lyman tossed his hands into the air.

"You're spooky." Santos mused.

"If his blood pressure goes up, he comes home. If he yells, he comes home. If he has a temperature, he comes home. If Peter calls me in and I don't like the look of him? Home." She turned her head and glared at Josh. "No meetings with Republicans, his verbal skills still get messy sometimes. No situation room alone. He can go with Lou, he can go with you, but not alone." Matt nodded at her and started back towards his desk. Donna turned to her husband. "He misses _one_ Doctor's appointment, _one_ physical therapy session or _one_ medication? Our little experiment is over." She pulled back and looked at him cautiously, eying the door.

"It's okay." Josh whispered "Rule forty two: No leaving the White House. Rule forty three: There are three couches in my office, use one. Rule number Forty four: Call Donna." She dropped to her knee's in front of the wheelchair and he kissed her. She turned her wrist to her face, drawing it across her damp eyes.

"It's time for Sr. Staff." She mumbled.

"I love you." He mouthed tracing her cheek with his finger as she stood up.

"Donna tell Edie to send them in." Santos asked. "

I love you." He mouthed again as she slipped out the door.

**wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww**

_Everybody wants to rule the world_

_Say that you'll never never never need it_

_One headline why believe it?_

**_wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww_**

**(Post In the Shadow of Two Gunmen) **

"Four hours Josh."

"Donna, I have been in that_ damn **townhouse FOR**_**-." **

"Raise your voice like that again and it'll be two." She said softly, sorting through the files on his desk.

"You're killing me."

"No Joshua, I am trying my damnedest to keep you alive." She watched her tone, keeping her breaths as even as possible.

"I'm. Fine." He spit out the words dismissively.

"Really?" She spun on her heels to face him, her hair wiping wildly against the side of her face. "Were you fine last night when John Stewart started talking about the minority leader and you had to breath into a paper bag for ten minutes?"

"Come on Donna the dramatics are getting a little old." He shook his head. "I was fine."

"206 ."

"What?"

"Over 100 You're blood pressure at midnight."

"Donnatella you have got to-."

"Five."

"Let's not do this."

"The number of times you woke up gasping for air last night."

"Really can we not do this here?"

"Seven."

Josh closed his eyes his arms dropping to his sides, the file smacking against his leg.

"The number of hours I spent standing in that room waiting to see if they could-." Her voice broke and he moved towards her. She stepped back a little before he grasped her upper arm and pulled her close, holding her palm against his heart.

"Four." He said softly kissing her forehead.

"Four?"

"The number of times I woke up to you doing this last night." He pressed her hand down harder. "And, coincidentally the number of hours my amazing assistant is so graciously allowing me to work today."

She cupped his face before he tangled their fingers and kissed the back of her hand softly.

"You have Sr. Staff." She whispered quietly as he used his thumb to brush away her tears.

"Okay."

**wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww**

_Everybody wants to rule the world_

_All for freedom and for pleasure_

**(Present)**

"Your late. That doesn't happen."

"There's video." She met him at the door to his office.

"Great first day, yours?" He smirked pulling his briefcase onto his lap and wheeling for towards the door.

"There's a video."

"Of course there is."

"Josh, Henry Walker has the video."

"Donnatella, there was video of Roslyn. There was still photography of Gaza. They made a documentary of our greatest hits. Why would this be any different?"

"It's disturbing Josh."

"Really? I enjoyed the first two so much."

"It's graphic and it's going to cause problems. We can't go forward with this campaign if one of the key players pulls a nutty."

"I don't remember anything." He shook his head. "You were their when they said I never would."

"Not you."

"Huh?"

"You don't remember." She muttered. For a moment he was going to apologize, obviously she remembered. Obviously it would disturb her, but then he saw her face. Following her gaze, he turned his head towards the television. Sam was doing another speech somewhere.

"Sam does." She said softly. "Sam remembers everything."

_**wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww**_

_Nothing ever lasts forever_

_Everybody wants to rule the world_


	10. How to Save a Life

**_How To Save A Life_**

_Step one you say we need to talk_

_He walks you say sit down it's just a talk  
He smiles politely back at you  
You stare politely right on through  
Some sort of window to your right  
As he goes left and you stay right  
Between the lines of fear and blame  
And you begin to wonder why you came  
_

**(Present)**

"Hey." He moved himself into the room and waited for him to turn around.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Seaborn took of his glasses and shook his head.

"Yeah. Nice to see you too." Josh raised his eyebrows.

"Sorry.. I.. Donna let you fly?" The candidate put his glasses back on.

"No I swam here." Lyman rolled his eyes.

"She knows you're-?" Sam began warily, letting the folder drop away from his face.

"Sam." Josh sighed.

"Yeah." He lifted the folder back up to his face.

"I just came to see how you were doing, you know?" Josh rolled closer.

"Yeah?" Seaborn set the file down and ran his hands through his hair. "Joe Collin's pressuring me to come out with my opinions on Same Sex Marriage. Sue Donnelly wants me to tell people it's irrelevant for husbands to be informed if their wives have abortions. My mentor just died, and Oh! My best friend got shot in the head."

"Sam?"

"Yeah?"

"There's video."

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
_

**(Post Memorial Day)**

"He just wants a name." Elise leaned back in her chair, rolling her head to face the Congressmen.

"No he doesn't. He wants **her** name and I'm not going to be the one to give it to him. Have him call CJ."

"He wants to talk to you." The girl insisted.

"I don't want to get involved in this." Sam whined.

"Sam, you said it yourself." Ainsley murmured from behind the magazine she was pretending to read.

"Don't. We're not getting into this." Sam moaned. The phone rang in the outer office and his assistant leaned forward and answered it.

"Congressmen Seaborn's office?" A slow smile tugged at her face. Ainsley grinned at her. "Hold for the congressmen please." She held the phone out to Sam.

"Sam Seaborn?" He shook his head at his assistant. "Will. I told you, it was a mistake to even mention her. I didn't mean her. I meant someone like her. I.." He blew air out of his mouth. "No she's quiet capable. No I don't think she'll leave.. NO! For God Sakes NO! Don't talk to Josh about this don't mention this to-." Sam inhaled slowly, turning his eyes to his girlfriend. "She.. she likes flowers."

_And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life_

**_(Present)_**

"Hey! There you are!" Donna grinned.

"Oh thank god you're here! Wait? Why are you here?" Ainsley watched as Donna started taking files from the stack she was carrying.

"Josh came to talk to Sam."

"About the thing?" Donna nodded.

"How's he been?"

"Fine. I mean, when we get to sleep he sleeps. You said that was a big thing with Josh right? The not sleeping?"

"That and the yelling." Donna raised and eyebrow.

"Sam doesn't yell." She shook her head at the other woman.

"The far off thing?"

"Yeah." Ainsley pulled a magazine from the stack and handed it to Donna. "I'm on the worst dressed list. They compared me to that girl from CSI. I mean, are you kidding me?"

"She's so short. You're not that short." Donna soothed looking at the picture. "I like this dress. I mean it's not like you were going to the Emmy's or anything."

"That's what Helen said." She set the magazine down. "More than anything he's sighing and brooding."

"That sounds like Sam."

_Let him know that you know best  
Cause after all you do know best_

"There's a.." Sam looked over Josh's shoulder.

"Yeah."

"Who?"

"Walker."

"Henry Walker?" Sam closed his eyes and shook his head.

"What am I going to see Sam?" Josh asked leaning forward in his chair.

"You're going to see yourself getting shot Josh." Sam snapped.

"I'm asking if Danny should be aware of-." The Chief of Staff sighed.

"Like did I wet myself or something? No." Sam stood up.

"Sam." Josh put his hand on the table palm up in an attempt to calm him.

"You were there." He rubbed his face.

"I had a hole in my head. I don't remember." Josh said evenly.

"You don't remember anything?"

"No."

"No sounds?" Sam said absently. Josh thought of sirens and Yoyo Ma.

"No." Sam swallowed hard, Josh studied him. "What am I going to hear Sam?"

His friend pressed the butt of his hand into his eye.

"You need to call Stanley." Josh breathed reaching for the phone.

"I already did!" He practically shouted.

_Try to slip past his defense  
Without granting innocence_

**_(After Hurt)_**

"Donna burns herself on the stove and they say not to call you, I consider for two seconds not finishing this election and they have you on the red eye. How does that work?"

"That bothers you?" Stanley Keyworth grinned a little. In some ways Sam Seaborn was a lot like Josh Lyman.

"Hell Yes."

"I do plan on talking to Donna before I leave."

"Good." He shook his head. "I'm supposed to watch out for her you know. I promised Josh."

"When?"

"Always."

"No, when did you make the promise?"

"Before the speech in West Virgina." Sam swallowed hard.

"Before you were campaigning?"

"We were already campaigning, but we hadn't announced anything yet. Josh is always Campaigning."

"Do you think Josh would want you to quit?"

"Of course not. And I'm not quitting, I was just frustrated."

"Because Josh got shot."

"Because Josh got shot again and I wasn't doing anything."

"What should you have been doing?"

"Something, anything besides just standing there watching things happen. Listening to.." His voice trailed off. Keyworth tilted his head.

"Listening to what Sam?"

"Nothing."

"What were you listening to?"

"Dying." Sam said softly. "I could hear them dying."

_Lay down a list of what is wrong  
The things you've told him all along_

_And pray to God he hears you_

**(Post In the shadow of two gunmen.)**

She'd waited for them all to slowly trickle out, watching them stop in the hallway murmuring to each other. Dr. Bartlett gave a cautious look to the Cardiologist, the man smiled at her reassuringly patting her arm.

She jumped when Josh made a noise. Her eyes fixing on the steady waving lines of the monitor above the bed before dropping down and into his half open brown eyes.

"Hi." She whispered, feeling his fingers move against the sheet toward hers. She brushed her thumb against them. "No talking."

His eye brows furrowed briefly, until her hand came up and soothed them back into place.

"The Doctor tried to make me leave." She told him softly. "I told him to shove it up his ass." She watched one eyelid lift along with the side of his mouth. "Dr. Bartlett intervened and made a promise that I would make sure you stayed quiet and calm. No talking."

His head rolled slowly towards her hand pulling her fingers clumsily into his and pressing them against his cheek, and clicking his questioning eyes up to her.

"You're going to be fine." She told him softly. "It's fine."

"Donna." He whispered raggedly. She ducted her head down to his face.

"Shush." She admonished firming her grip on his hand.

"Stay." He more mouthed it than spoke it this time, she swallowed against the tightness in her throat as his eyes drifted shut.

"Forever."

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
_

**_(Present)_**

"Stanley."

"I can't tell you Josh." The psychologist sipped at his coffee.

"How can I help if I don't know what he's-?"

"He's going to be fine Josh. He just has to process this."

"He is about to be President of the United States (God Willing) and he can't have this-." Josh pushed his lips together and searched his brain for the way to say the words he needed. "-lurking in the shadows waiting to-."

"Josh how you doing?" Stanley interrupted bluntly.

"I'm.. I'm..." Josh rubbed his military length hair. He caught Keyworth watching and smiled. "I think Donna's worried it won't grow back." The other man's lip twitched into a polite smile as he waited. "I just want to get the hell out of here." Josh dropped his eyes down towards he edge of the table.

"California?" Keyworth said with a raise of the eyebrow.

"Ha. Ha." Josh muttered.

"You can leave. Nothings keeping you. Santos would understand. Sam would understand. "

"Sam needs me." Josh said firmly, Stanley watched his fierce determination return.

"Yes he does."

_And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life  
As he begins to raise his voice  
You lower yours and grant him one last choice_

"Samuel." She put her hands on his shoulders pushing him back firmly.

"Ainsley I have all of six minutes before Charlie starts banging on that door." He raised his eyebrows. "I'd love nothing more than to slow this down but-."

"Josh and Donna came all the way to California." She whispered as he pressed his lips into her collarbone.

"Ainse." He sighed pushing his forehead against he shoulder. Trying to catch his breath.

"Josh met with Stanley. He came all the way down from LA." She smoothed her hand up his neck and he jerked away.

"I'm fine."

"Sam, you're running for President. You are about to have pressures that we cannot even imagine-."

"I'm fine." He pinched the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes tight.

"-it stands to reason that we deal with this now before-."

"I SAID I'M FINE!" The look of alarm came to his features immediately. He watched the panic subside from her face as she reached for him again. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay." She whispered, reaching her arms around him. "It's okay."

"It may be many things, but okay is not one of them." He breathed leaning against the wall.

"What don't you want to see?" She said softly.

"What?" He looked at the ceiling.

"You close your eyes. When we talk about it.. you.."

"It's not a see."

"Then-?"

"It's what I hear. I hear Nick..." He shook his head.

"Sam?"

"Donna made this little noise when she saw him. Like a.. I don't know what it was like."

"Sam."

"Josh didn't make a sound. Not a sound. Nothing.."

Ainsley closed her eyes.

"But Nick. It was like he was.." Seaborn shook his head. "He was fighting so hard to..." Someone knocked on the door, he looked towards it.

"Sam!"Charlie yelled. "Let's go."

Ainsley laid her hand on his arm. Sam looked back a her.

"Come on you two! Don't make me come in there!" Charlie yelled. Ainsley brought her thumb up and wiped Sam's eyes. "Sam! Josh said I'm supposed to count to ten and open the door. Don't make me open the-."

Ainsley unlocked the door and pulled it forcefully open.

"Thank God!" Charlie moaned grabbing Sam by the arm and pulling him out of the room.

_Drive until you lose the road  
Or break with the ones you've followed_

_He will do one of two things  
He will admit to everything  
_

Josh looked at the DVD player for a few more minutes, his eyes clicking to the door as his wife made her way in.

"Are you sure you wanna do this here?" She said softly laying her hand on his arm.

"I'm not taking this home." He held up the disk. "I don't want the kids putting it in by mistake." Donna nodded, watching him load the DVD before moving himself back towards the couch.

He took a deep breath when he and Nick came into view. The scene moved quickly, Josh tried to remember what was being said. Then he saw it. Nick's head jerked to the right, then back to a reluctant Josh. Lyman watched himself fight his agent before Nick inevitably won and yanked him backward. Then the shot came

"Oh my god." Josh whispered.

"He was supposed to yell. He was supposed to-." Donna murmured.

"He was trying to get me out of there."

"He wasn't supposed to do that." She told him breathlessly. "He didn't follow-.".

"Donna."

"Josh this is.. bad."

"Walker can't use this." Lyman mumbled. "Peter!"

"Don't yell." Donna whispered, her eyes glued to the screen. She watched as they all stood up, while her husband and his agent lay on the ground. She watched Sam stare at them, motionless in the midst of the ciaos. She could see Nick's frantic movements, kicking and struggling to breathe.

"Peter get me Ron Butterfield, and I want to meet with Henry Walker. And..I need to talk to Sam. Can you get me Sam?"

"Ron, Walker, Sam." Peter affirmed.

Josh looked back at his wife, reaching an hand up and touching her arm.

"Hi." He whispered as her far off expression focused on his face. She smiled at him sadly.

"Ana can't see this." She whispered glancing towards the doorway, he watched her eyes move back towards the screen.

"You should turn it off." Josh told her, watching the tape as his wife arrived on the steps of the capital. He watched her shoes drop off of her fingers and clatter down a few stairs. "Donna?"

"There was more blood at Roslyn." She whispered.

"Donna?"

"I'm okay."

"Turn it off." She starred at the screen. "Donnatella turn it off."

"Okay." She looked at him, pressing pause.

"I need you to get Danny on the phone and tell him what's going on." He pressed his lips together in short bursts. "Annabeth has the tape she'll probably be in here any second." Josh's eyes clicked up to his wife, her gaze on the still screen. "Donna."

"I'm on it." She told him nodding her head and starting for the door. He tugged her back down for a kiss.

"You okay?" Lyman whispered, pushing her back enough to see her face. She nodded, pressing her lips against his quickly before moving out the door.

Josh looked at the screen for a minute before starting the disk again. Slowly pressing the volume button until it was loud enough to here the ciaos. Then he heard it. In the aftermath as things went quiet. The sounds that haunted his best friend. It the tiny desperate whimper that Donna made as she dropped to her knee's beside him. It was the gasping wheeze coming from his agent who lay dying inches away from him.

_Or he'll say he's just not the same __And you'll begin to wonder why you came_

**(Five Years Ago)**

"Again, I'm sorry Mr. Lyman." Josh looked back into the room as the doctor moved away. He smiled sadly at his wife before rubbing his face and turning back into the hallway.

"They gave her a sedative." He told Deanna softly. "She'll be out for a while. Go home." He looked at Ainsley. "You too. Helen's going to need you tomorrow. She's got a.. thing."

"Tell Donna I'm on it." Ainsley rubbed her hand worriedly over her small pregnant belly.

"She knows you'll take care of it." He leaned in and kissed her cheek. "Tell Sam not to come. Tell him I'll call him in the morning. I'm gonna need him to-."

"He's on it too."

"Thanks." He looked back at Deanna, pulling her towards Ainsley. "Go."

"Are you sure?" Deanna said worriedly looking Josh over in a Donna like assessment.

"Go." He kissed her cheek too. "You'll fill Carol in and have her meet with Annabeth?"

He watched them walk away, glancing back in at Donna before lowering himself to the bench outside of the room, taking a slow deep breath.

He didn't look up when Nick settled onto the bench beside him, wordlessly handing him a cup of coffee.

Josh took it from him, his eyes still fixed on the wall in front of him.

_Where did I go wrong (where did I go wrong), I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
_

Nick Casnoff had been an agent for fifteen years. He knew the procedure. He'd nearly helped construct the procedure. He'd had numerous opportunities to practice the procedure.

But on the day of the shooting, he didn't follow procedure. Ron Butterfield had a pretty good idea of the reason why. He tried to imagine for a second it had been his wife's voice on the other side of that Code Five.

Ron would have known Josh would have been shouting about Donna even without the video. He should have never let it be personal. Not between Josh and Nick, not between Ana and Nick. Part of him felt like it was his fault for not pulling Nick after Noah was born, or defiantly after he found out about him and Ana. He could have reassigned him to the children.

He could have kept this from happening.

That wasn't a new thought for him though. He'd been thinking that since he'd watched the Marine lower the flag into Ana's lap at Nick's funeral.

_And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life_


	11. When September Ends

**"Wake Me Up When September Ends"**

_Summer has come and passed  
The innocent can never last __wake me up when September ends_

(**Pre- Runaway Train)**

"I'm just saying." Nick kept his eyes fixed a head, Josh had a faint memory of this being unsettling once, but now it was just how it was.

"Aren't you supposed to be quiet?" Lyman leaned his head back against the seat of the car.

"I'm just saying, when you get her all worked up I pay for it too."

"So you want me to let the country and campaign go to pot so that you're wife has sex with you?" His voice lifted at the end.

"How longs it been for you?" Nick asked in irritation. "Go back a whole 'nother time? That's where I'm at."

"Wow."

"Yeah." Casnoff shook his head. "And not only do you send her to Omaha, but you get them all worked up."

"Your wife's job sent her to Omaha."

"No, you're best friends career goals made you send your wife to Omaha. Mine just has to go along." The man's flat tone echoed in the backseat of the car. "I'm just saying."

"Well shut up."

"Just do what Donna tells you for once."

"Or what?"

"I'll tell on you."

"You'll tell on me?"

"Perk of being married to my assignment's wife's agent."

"Is that all I am to you? Your assignment? I thought we had so much more." The edge of Nick's mouth rose slightly at his bosses snark.

"Shut up Josh." He sighed.

"I could have you fired."

"That would be a bad decision." Nick laughed.

"People should be lining up to jump in front of bullets for me." Josh teased. "You're very lucky."

"Sure." Nick's lip twitched into his cheek again.

"They should. I'm important." Lyman protested as the car rolled through the gate of their house. Josh looked at the sleeping children as they came to a stop. He fished Noah out of his booster seat while Nick joined the other agent outside before Dave poked his head in.

"Need help getting them in Sir?"

"No." Josh lied watching the other man pull away from the door. Nick stuck his head back in.

"See this is what I'm saying." He grumbled pulling Noah from Josh and starting towards the house. Lyman grabbed his daughter, lowering her into the stroller Dave had pulled around.

"Again with the talking." Josh muttered, trying not to let his limp seem so pronounced. In front of him Nick pulled open the outer door. Josh's phone rang.

"Yeah?"

"_I have the Illinois number's from Joey Lucas._" Peter announced.

"And?" Lyman waited.

"_Not so hot._" His assistant told him pessimistically.

"Southern?" Josh's voice broke.

"_Cold_." Peter sighed.

"Damn." Lyman tilted his head back and rolled the stroller across the marble tile of the entry way.

"_Call Donna._" The other man reminded.

"Yeah."

He looked at Nick for a moment before reaching out for Noah. Nick rolled his eyes at him.

"I'm fine. Go rest up for all the sex this weekend." He muttered, waving his his hands at his son. "I'm fine."

Nick reluctantly handed the boy over, watching Josh fumble with the phone, the stroller the keys and Noah.

He shook his head.

"Goodnight Sir." Nick said formally.

"Get out of here." Lyman grinned, before he heard Donna's soft voice on the other end of the phone.

"_Joshua_." He smirked at the faint hint of sleep in her voice.

"I think we messed up the Chicago thing. We should have gone the southern routes." He muttered trying to force the key into the lock of their front door.

_like my fathers come to pass  
seven years has gone so fast  
wake me up when September ends  
_

**(Present)**

Ana Casnoff lay haphazardly across her queen size bed. She knew by the look on Donna's face the tape showed what she known it would.

Gina had confirmed it on the drive home.

"They won't let me see it." She whispered softly.

"Good." Gina shook her head.

"Why?" She turned to her friend.

"Ana, it's your husband getting shot and killed."

"I was there."

"You were there as an agent. You'd be watching it as a wife." Ana considered that, looking out the window, watching the tree's slip past her.

"When you put Zoey in the car?" Ana swallowed hard. "Were you scared?"

"Terrified." Gina said softly after a few minutes.

"For her or yourself?" Ana listened to the silence before turning her head towards Gina.

"Her I guess." Gina decided.

"All I could think about was Donna." Ana admitted. "I didn't think about myself. Not once." She shook her head. "I didn't think about Nick. Just Donna."

"It's your job."

"It's a stupid job." Ana whispered feeling the sting of tears in the coner of her eyes."A human being would have thought about her husband."

"Ana."

"Donna would have ran across a mile of glass to get there." She shook her head. "All she could think about was-."

Gina pulled the car over abruptly and grabbed her friend's arm.

"It's your job." She reminded her sharply. Ana turned her eyes to the other woman, slowly searching her face.

"It's a stupid job." She'd whispered again.

Now in the dark she tried to face what was on the tape. Her mind wrapping around the thousands of scenarios, she knew which one it was though. She knew.

_here comes the rain again  
falling from the stars  
drenched in my pain again  
becoming who we are_

Ron Butterfield looked a Josh Lyman's worried face.

"What the hell happened?" He asked.

"He froze Josh."

"No." Lyman rubbed his face. "Nick's always.. was always two steps a head.."

"Maybe he didn't see them. Maybe he wasn't-." Santos shook his head.

"Sir." Butterfield pointed his finger at the screen. "This is called defensive posturing." He watched for a second as the president studied the way Nick had positioned himself around Josh. "He saw them." Josh rubbed his head. "Protocol here calls for him to initiate the response mode. He needs to alert the other agents to the firearm. Then, secure his assignment. His role now becomes facilitator first. He has to initiate the system. He didn't do that."

"Sam said Josh was being argumentative." Santos raised an eyebrow as the people on the screen reacted to the shots being fired.

"Irrelevant." Ron told him, watching the stillness of the scene as the smoke cleared.

"So what your saying is?" Santos slipped off of the edge of his desk and looking studiously at the monitor. People started to move now. Matt watched them slowly roll Nick off of Josh.

"He was distracted." Butterfield paused the tape.

"By?" Ron took a deep breath and looked that the President.

"Them." Josh's hand came up, pressing his finger into the corner of the screen, were you could just begin to see a wisp of long green dress and a bare foot.

Santos cocked his head as the tape started again and the barefoot became Donna, Ana flanking her from behind.

_as my memory rests  
but never forgets what I lost  
wake me up when September ends  
_

**(three years ago)**

"I think it's cute."

"Cute?"

"Yes."

"You think me walking in on our agents doing it is cute?"

"Josh they were not 'doing it'. They were kissing. Has it been so long since we've-."

"Hey!" He poked her pregnant stomach with his index finger. "It hasn't been _that_ long."

"I'm six months pregnant Josh. You really think that speaks well of your-."

"Stop!" He grimaced. "First I walk in on Romeo and Juliet going at it in the-."

"Josh!"

"He had his hand up her..." Lyman gestured at Donna's skirt.

"How?" She leaned back against the desk.

"What do you mean how? She was.. and he was.." Donna grinned at him and he shook his head.

"I'm still confused, maybe I need a visual." She told him innocently. Josh looked at his wife in with a mixture of amusement and irritation as she pulled his hand to her knee. "Like this?"

"More like this." Josh said pushing his hand up the smoothness of her pantyhose. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders leaning her forehead against his.

"You poor baby." She said soothingly, kissing his lips gently.

"It was horrible." He breathed, moving his hands to her hair and kissing her.

"They did that too?" She asked softly. Josh nodded his forehead against hers before kissing her again.

"How long has it been?" Josh asked as his lips moved down her neck.

"A week, four days, three hours and-" She glanced at his watch. "Forty minutes."

"Too long."

"Yes."

"I. Have. One. More. Meeting." He told her, punctuating each word with a kiss.

"I'll meet you in my office." She whispered pushing him back from her.

_summer has come and passed  
the innocent can never last  
wake me up when September ends_

**(three years ago again)**

"And it couldn't have been Donna. Donna would have understood. No.. it has to be Josh." Nick grumbled leaning against the wall outside of Donna's office.

"It's not that big of a deal." Ana lied from her spot by the door to the outer office."It was just a kiss."

"We could get reassigned over a kiss." Nick reminded.

"Then we wouldn't have to sneak around."

"No then we'd never see each other."

"We'd see each other."

"When was the last time you saw anyone but Savannah for more than an hour?" Nick asked bluntly.

"I see Gina."

"And how often are you and Gina alone in a room long enough to.." Nick's voice trailed off as his eyebrows rose.

"Liking that visual?" Ana asked rolling her eyes at him.

"I'm just saying.." Nick banged the back of his head against the wall.

"I get it. I don't think that they'll tell any-." A loud beeping interrupted her sentence. "Shit."

Nick turned towards the door quickly knocking once.

"Sir! Is everything-?" He shook his head as Donna's panic button started firing again, stepping back and busting the door open with his foot.

_ring out the bells again  
like we did when spring began  
wake me up when September ends  
_

**(still three years ago)**

"So we're even." Josh mumbled as he and Nick started back to the West Wing.

"I don't believe my pants were around my ankles." His agent mumbled.

"Hey, you're the one who broke down the door!" Josh whined.

"Donna's alarm went off!" Nick retorted.

"It was.. she must have.. leaned against it."

"Yes. Twice. In rapid secession." Nick snorted.

"She's my wife." Josh looked back over his shoulder. "Ana is your coworker."

As usual Nick's eyes were scanning the area, but he glanced quickly at Josh before they slipped into silence.

"So.. you're planning on..." Nick said finally.

"No." Josh told him quickly. "It's none of my business."

"It won't interfere with-."

"Stop." Josh mumbled. "I'm not your father."

"Yeah."

"Yeah."

_here comes the rain again  
falling from the stars  
drenched in my pain again  
becoming who we are  
_

**(Present)**

"Knock Knock." Donna called softly.

"Ma'am." Ana moved off of the sofa and stood up.

"I'm here as Donna." She held her hands up. "I'm just Donna the Campaign Staffer now."

"Your not going back?" Ana walked towards her.

"No." Donna looked at her feet. "I'm done. Besides Zoey's doing a great Job and Deanna's going to do the job while she's on maternity leave. Ainsley wants her to have the practice for when..if.. you know." She wasn't about to jinx this campaign.

"I thought you didn't believe in bad luck?" Ana grinned.

"My opinions may have changed." Donna swallowed hard as the smile slipped from Ana's face.

"You saw it?" Ana whispered as Donna nodded. "They won't let me. It doesn't matter anyway. He saw us."

"You knew?"

"He was.. he was..." Ana shook her head, turning around and walking back to the window. "looking at me.."

_as my memory rests  
but never forgets what I lost  
wake me up when September ends_

"We comment once. We say something like this is a delicate situation and we-. Ow!" CJ stopped walking and rubbed at her stomach.

"Are you alright?" Ryan asked quietly.

"Yes. I'm fine." She snapped.

"Are you sure?" He raised an eyebrow at her.

"You try running a campaign with someone kicking you in the ribs all day." She looks down in irritation. "Just come out already!"

"No No No!" Sam growled coming through the door and heading for CJ's stomach, leaning down until he's facing it. "November sixth. You stay in until November sixth. After that? All clear."

He pulled back up to his feet and gave CJ a warning glance before grabbing Ryan and starting out of the room.

"What's wrong with her?" Ryan grumbled.

"You try running a campaign with someone kicking you in the ribs all day." Sam muttered.

_Summer has come and passed  
The innocent can never last  
wake me up when September ends_

"Lift to here." The physical therapist held her hand out about a foot above Josh's outstretched leg. Josh watched his foot shake. "Stop looking."

"I can't do it unless I look." He grumbled.

"Yes you can." She told him simply. "Concentrate. Try to remember what it feels like to lift it."

"What are you now some kind of new age guru? I'm supposed to imagine my way to.." He stopped mid sentence when he felt his toes make contact with her palm, blinking in surprise at his raised leg.

"Nice. Other leg." She said simply.

_like my father's come to pass  
twenty years has gone so fast_

"_Four weeks three days_."

Ainsley grinned into the phone.

"It's my long lost husband"

"_Four weeks three days.. yes or no.. we're done campaigning_."

"How are you?" She asked, trying to hide the weight behind her question.

"_I'm fine._" He told her softly. "_I miss you._"

"Leo and I are wrapping things up here." She told him. "We'll be in Des Moines by Monday."

"_Did he pick a Halloween costume? Because we won't have anytime to-."_

"He did. He wants to be a Kangaroo." She interrupted. "But don't tell Josh."

"_What?"_

"I'm gonna ask Donna if it would kill him to tell him Leo's insisting on being Dumbo for Halloween." She snickered.

"_You're evil._"

"Yes."

"_I love you_."

"You do." She confirmed.

"Ainse." He moaned softly.

"Four weeks three days..." She told him softly.

_wake me up when September ends  
wake me up when September ends  
wake me up when September ends_


	12. Better Days

**Better Days  
**

_And you ask me what I want this year  
And I try to make this kind and clear  
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days_

"Josh now." Donna called into his office.

"You got all this?" He asked Lou for the fifteenth time.

"Josh you do realize that I did this job for four months while you were recovering right? And that we are in the last three months of our administration right? And the chances of my needing to do anything of true importance in the next week is-?"

"Everything we do here is important." Josh rolled his eyes. "This is just the kind of-."

"Josh!" He grimaced at Donna's bellow.

"What happened to no yelling?" He called back.

"Now." She ordered. He shot a warning look at Lou. "Don't make me come in there!"

"I'm coming. I'm coming."

"I told Sam we'd be there by four." She told him as he met her in the hall. Josh pulled Joanie onto his lap kissing her head.

"Hey son." Josh whispered cupping Noah's elbow. The seven year old shot him a Donna smile. "We'll make it." He told Donna.

"Daddy go fast." His daughter asked patting Josh's cheek. Josh looked at Donna.

"Mommy?" He raised his eyebrow. "It's a thing."

"Do you have your gloves on?" Josh held up a hand.

"One time." She sighed as pretended Josh rev up the wheelchair, before taking off down the hallway with Noah running after him.

_Cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings  
And desire and love and empty things  
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days_

**(Seven years ago)**

"Josh she's a bitch."

"Yes."

"So.. what are you going to do about it?"

"Be constantly annoyed by her presence."

"Fire her."

"Donna I can't fire her because she's my ex girlfriend and you don't like her." He knew by her face he'd said the wrong thing. "Donnatella, I don't want to work with her anymore that you-."

"Really? It didn't look like it was all that difficult for you."

"What? When did you see me with Amy?"

"Today." She looked down at the floor for a minute.

"Where?"

"The Roosevelt room." She shook her head. "I was on my way to see Annabeth."

"Why didn't you come in?" He raised an eyebrow.

"You looked like you were okay." She told him raising an eyebrow of her own.

"What the hell does that mean?" He furrowed his eyebrows, standing up from the couch and crossing the room.

"Josh. Nothing okay. It's fine." She back peddled rubbing her hands over her face.

"No way." Josh told her. "You don't imply what you just implied and then say it was nothing."

"I didn't imply anything I just said.."

"That I looked too comfortable with another woman."

"It wasn't another woman it was Amy." She protested. "Amy let-me-take-you-to-Hawaii Gardener."

"It was Tahiti!"

"Close enough!" Donna whimpered.

"And we didn't even go." He huffed. "It wasn't Hawaii."

"It still hurt Josh and you know it."

"Yeah and that's what I was trying to do. Hurt you."

"What were you trying to do?"

"What were you trying to do with Commander Wonderful?"

"No. Don't you do that."

"Skiing Donna?" He leaned towards her, raising an eyebrow. "Honestly?"

"Josh!"

"You left me on Christmas to go skiing with Commander Wonderful. Christmas."

"You're Jewish."

"Oh come on. Christmas was a thing and you know it." He shook his head at her. "Skiing, Christmas they were both things."

"We had a lot of things Josh. That was the problem."

"Yeah.. **that **was the problem." Josh rolled his eyes at his wife. "**That** was it."

"Why are we talking about this?"

"Because its' okay for you to jet off with Commander Wonderful on your Christmas ski trip-."

"Stop."

"with out even saying goodbye but when I don't even take Amy to an island that is apparently 'close enough' to Hawaii I'm capable of adultery."

"I didn't say that." Donna protested.

"and don't think I didn't' notice you yucking it up with Calley at the first debate, because I did."

"Josh I said-."

"But you walk by some completely innocent meeting between me and Amy Gardener and-."

"YOU CALLED ME FROM HER BED!" Donna shouted, he flinched. The room fell silent, Josh dropped his eyes to the floor.

"Yeah." He breathed, running his fingers through his hair. "You realize that could go another way."

"What?" She whispered.

"It pissed Amy off too.." He took a step towards her.

"Don't. I don't want to hear that name-."

"Skiing.. no goodbye." He reminded.

"I told you I was sorry." He took a step towards her.

"Yeah."

"I tried to find you Leo practically had an agent carry me to the chopper."

"Yeah." He took another step. "It wasn't Hawaii. I wasn't about to take her too-."

"I was going to stay, Josh. I was going to stay with you. It was a thing."

"We had a lot of things." He said softly pulling her slowly to him. "You really think I want Am- that bitch?"

"No." Josh pressed his lips to her forehead.

"You really want me to fire her?" Donna buried her face in Josh's shoulder.

"Yes, but don't." She mumbled.

"She'll get herself in trouble at some point." He grinned in her ear rocking her slowly back and forth. "She always does."

_So take these words  
And sing out loud  
Cuz everyone is forgiven now  
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again_

**(Present-Election Night)**

"Why don't I have east coast numbers!" CJ yelled from her spot on the couch. Charlie pointed to a folder laying next to her. "These are two hours old!" She snapped.

"Keep your pants on!" He muttered hurrying back over to his computer.

"We're ahead in Southern California." Ainsley mumbled looking from her folder to the computer in front of her.

"No way." CJ's mouth dropped open.

"Way."

"How ahead?" She asked moving the papers around her and attempting to get off of the couch.

"Way." Ainsley repeated putting her hand against her mouth.

"Get me up get me up get me up!" She ordered until Toby pulled her to her feet.

"CJ." Ainsley squeeked.

"It's still early." She warned.

"We have pundits out there." Charlie reminded. "Zoey's out there. If anything we're going to pick up."

"People are still voting." CJ said cautiously, eying the numbers.

"If these are right they'd all practically have to vote against us." Toby muttered.

"Don't say that!" CJ ordered.

"If we take California.." Ainsley whispered.

"You guys somethings going to blow up and it's probably going to be in **my** face." She pleaded. "Shut up."

"Cautiously optimistic?" Margaret asked softly from her chair.

"No. No. No. Just cau-." She stopped mid sentence her eyes widening before they slammed shut. "Damn it."

"What?" Toby asked in alarm. "What aren't we accounting for?"

"Damn it Damn it!" CJ chanted.

"What?"

"My water just broke!" She yelled in frustration.

"Oh God." Toby grumbled looking at her like her head was about to explode.

"Get Danny." Charlie called out loudly rolling his eyes to the ceiling. "Great timing."

"Yeah I'm not wild about the idea of it myself." She rolled her eyes. "Someone get Josh's ass over here!"

_And it's someplace simple where we could live  
And something only you can give_

"Joshua." Abbey Bartlett dropped herself into the chair next to the Chief of Staff.

"Ma'am."

"Josh." She rolled his eyes at him.

"I can't do it." He shook his head.

"It's easy. Ab-by. Work with me here Ahb- Bee!" She annoucated loudly for him.

"Cute."

"Donna can do it." Abby raised an eyebrow at him.

"Years of deprogramming." Josh smirked.

"You can call me Nana, but not Abby."

"Fine Abby, are you happy now?"

"Yes. Now I hear your looking for a home."

"I am."

"I happen to know of something that's just gone on the market."

"Yeah."

"Big old house. Far from DC but not too far. Private. Well kept. Great place to raise kids. The price is amazing."

"Sounds nice. Too nice to still be on the market in January."

"Sellers willing to wait." Abby told him taking a deep breath.

"Yeah?" Josh looked at her in surprise.

"She wants to keep it in the family." She said slowly, patting his arm with a quiet grin. "You'd have to keep the horses Josh. I don't have room for them in my townhouse."

"Ma'a-. Abby?" Josh's lip twitched up towards his eye.

"How do you feel about New Hampshire?"

"Josh?" Donna moved into the room. "They need you down stairs. CJ's in labor, she wants you to take over."

_And thats faith and trust and peace while we're alive  
And the one poor child that saved this world_

_And there's 10 million more who probably could  
If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them  
_

"Son of a-!"

"Will you stop?" Toby grumbled.

"Who asked you?" CJ snapped, before her face scrunched into a sour look. "Shit, Shit, Shit."

"Is she gonna talk like a sailor the entire time?"

"Until the epidural takes effect." Danny huffed.

"Who the hell invited you?" CJ yelled at her best friend.

"Well considering Daddy-dearest here has already started celebrating our impending victory I felt it my duty to get you to the hospital alive." Toby told her back. "Your welcome."

"Well if it isn't Larry Mo and Curly." Abby Bartlett walked into the room, dropping her purse on the bedside table.

"Oh thank God." CJ moaned as Dr. Bartlett smoothed her hair off her face.

"What are you at?" Abby gestured to the chart at the end of the bed.

"Six and holding." CJ nodded in permission.

"You get the epidural?" Abby asked flipping through the pages until she found what she wanted.

"Ten minutes ago." Danny asked rubbing his face.

"It's almost over." She told her smiling.

"Donna did this twice with nothing." CJ shook her head slowly.

"Donna's like a freaking Gum Ball Machine, you put in a quarter and they pop right out." Abby mused, gaining a groan out of Toby. Abby shot him an amused look. "The rest of us have to work for it." CJ moaned.

"It's okay Honey we're all here for you."

"Oh screw you."

_So take these words  
And sing out loud Cuz everyone is forgiven now  
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again  
_

**(Present)**

"Where's my wife?" Josh looked up and down the length of the room. "Donna?"

"Josh?" Donna moved back into the room with her phone pressed against her ear.

"We got California." He grinned. "Is that CJ?"

"Toby." She told him shaking her head. "We got California?"

Josh nodded slowly the grin spreading further across his face.

"We got California." She whispered to Toby shutting her phone and slipping onto Josh's lap. "It's over. You did it."

"I love you." Josh whispered, burring his face in her hair. "I love you so much."

"Josh!" Sam's voice thundered down the hall. "Josh!"

"Yeah." He pulled back from his wife's shoulder, his eyes finding hers with a quick wink.

"I'm holding for Calley." Sam held up his phone. "This is it."

"Congratulations Mr. President." Josh whispered tearing his eyes away from Donna and smiling at his best friend.

"Josh.. I don't know what to-. Yes I'm here Congressmen." Sam's smile deepened.

Lyman pulled his wife's face to his and kissed her before holding her face to his.

"CJ?" He asked, his voice rising into the tone she loved.

"It's a girl." Donna whispered. "Abby Jane."

"She look like a certain pessimist we know?"

"Shut up." Donna laughed.

"I'm just saying."

_I wish everyone was loved tonight  
And somehow stop this endless fight Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days_

**(Six months earlier)**

"Josh!"

"I'm ready I'm ready."

"We're not going."

"What? You've been bugging me to get ready for like-."

"You're going to Danny's."

"Why?"

"CJ left him."

"And I'm going there why?"

"You're bringing the beer." She told him walking to the refrigerator and handing him a six pack, her ear still pressed against the phone. "Sam says he brought pizza."

"What about you? You should go your good with people."

"I'm going to Toby's." She rolled her eyes at him. "Yeah. Bud Light. Don't let him get drunk Samuel." She told the phone.

"What the hell does Toby have to do with this?"

"That's where CJ is." Donna shook her head like he was an idiot.

"CJ left Danny for Toby?" Josh's eyebrows hit his receding hairline. "I knew it! I told you! I told you there was something-."

"Josh." Donna sighed putting her palm over the phone.

"The baby? Is the baby-?"

"Josh!" She held the phone up, giving him a quick shake of her head. Before pushing the phone towards him.

"Toby?" Josh muttered into the receiver. "Yeah. I'll umm.. stop for some.. see you there."

"Idiot boy." Donna sighed shaking her head.

"You could have told me." She shot him a look. "It was an obvious conclusion to jump to." She shook her head again as he grabbed his back pack off of the floor. "Gimme your wallet."

"Why?"

"I'm out of cash."

"And?"

"Toby wants scotch, and I should probably get the good stuff."

_So take these words  
And sing out loud_

_Cuz everyone is forgiven now_

(**six months earlier**)

"I'm just saying, it's not like you were way in left field or anything." Nick snorted looking out the window of the car. "If the kids born bald with a beard you can say I told you so."

"Sell that to my wife." Josh sniffed. "Toby's going to be pissed at me all night."

"Want me to kill him?"

"One of these days your going to ask that and I'm going to say yes. Then what are you going to do?" Josh leaned his head back against the headrest.

"You think they'll break up?"

"Danny and CJ?" Josh sighed.

"No Fred and Ethel." Josh wondered if Nick was rolling his eyes from behind his sunglasses. "Yes."

"I don't know, it makes you think though doesn't it?"

"Don't bother. You and Donna? You're the real thing."

"What about you and Ana you guys are a good match."

"Not like you and Donna. You guys have story book stuff. Movie stuff."

"Trouble in paradise?"

"No."

"Cause it sounds like trouble in-."

"No." Nick said a little more sharply.

"Care to share with the class Agent Casnoff?"

"What do you hear when I say no? Cause you obviously don't here me saying no."

"She dump you?" Josh guessed.

"Josh." Nick moaned.

"She pregnant?" His tone was teasing now. Nick squirmed in his seat.

"Josh come, on cut it out." He tossed his head back against the

"Tell me." He urged.

"She wants to get married." Nick told him with a sigh.

"Do it." Josh said simply.

"Mind your own business." Nick shook his head.

"Do it man, I'm telling you." Josh smiled at him.

"We're not like you and Donna." Nick breathed.

"I don't know why you keep saying that."

"Our Jobs make things difficult." Nick rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"Yeah hey, nothing like me and Donna." Josh smirked sarcastically.

"It was Donna's job to file your crap-."

"I wouldn't say that in front of her."

"It's our job to die." Nick finished turning his head back out the window. "You tend to not want a lot of baggage when it's your job to die. It's distracting."

Josh fell silent for a few minutes.

"Would it be less distracting if you broke up?" He asked quietly.

"No." Nick whispered.

"Then it might as well be as distraction that you get to come home with at the end of the day."

_  
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again_

**(Present)**

"They're going to miss them." Donna moved the blankets over the four little kids asleep on the fold out couch. Taylor, snuggled closer to Joanie. Leo made a soft clicking noise in his sleep. "I'm going to miss them."

"We'll visit." josh said softly.

"From where?" She said softly turning around to him with a soft smile. "Where are we going?"

"Abby came to see me tonight." He pulled her down onto his lap.

"Josh?"

"She offered us the farm." Her mouth fell open slightly.

"The Bartlett farm?"

"Maybe the Lyman Farm." He raised his eyebrow. "If you want."

Donna nodded her head slowly.

_Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again_


	13. Oh Yeah! It Feels So Good

**Oh yeah, it feels so good.**

_We're comin' back from a long hiatus_ _It's the greatest_ _The latest craze_ _To hit the stages_ _Be amazing_

**(Present-Santos' last state of the union)**

"Did you pick a guy?" Josh asked Joey, glancing at Kenny as he singed to her. She rolled her eyes. "Did she pick a guy?" He asked Kenny in exasperation.

"Yes Josh I picked a guy!" Joey spoke to him rolling her eyes again at Kenny.

"Who?" He rolled closer to her.

"Ed and Larry." Kenny translated. "I thought they could tag team."

"Very very funny." Josh moaned at his deputy.

"Calm down." Kenny said in his softer tone he used for Joey's words.

"This is my-."

"Last big thing.. I know." She spoke again. "I picked a Jr. Senator from New Mexico. He's a little nervous so try not to.. you know.. let the capital get bombed. " Kenny laughed, finishing her statement. "If you hadn't mentioned it seventeen times, I'd still have Donna's twenty to fall back on."

Josh grinned a little between embarrassed and proud.

"It's going to be great Josh. You've done a great Job." She smiled at him.

"Hey? Did you pick a guy?" Donna asked moving into the room.

"Jr. guy from New Mexico." Josh whispered taking her hand and turning it over in his slowly.

"Haroldo Martinez?" She said lifting her eyebrows. "He's probably freaking out."

"How do you know who the Jr. from New Mexico is?" Kenny asked. Josh wasn't sure if it was as Kenny or as Joey.

"Donna knows things like that." Joey told Kenny.

Donna raised her eyebrows at him playfully, before grinning at her friend.

"You ready?" She said looking at Josh.

He laced their fingers for a second tracing his thumb across her palm with a nod.

"We need to get dressed and start over."

_Everybody let's take a ride_ _Everybody just come inside_ _On a journey_ _Let's go back in time_ _I'll keep the feeling right_

**(Santos' first state of the union)**

"How you doing?" Sam asked leaning up against the doorway to Bram's office.

"I think my eyes are going to fall out."

"Yeah, that takes a couple of day's to go away."

"You did this four times?"

"Yeah."

"Was Toby as crazy as-?"

"No." Bram looked down shaking his head in agreement. "Worse."

The mans' head shot back up.

"She's a Sweetheart compared to him. You have it easy."

"Wanna read it?" Bram blew air out of his lips.

"Please." Sam smiled coming around the corner and looking over the tall man's shoulder for a few minutes. "Um.. do you have a thesaurus?"

"Why? What did I do?" He asked Sam with wide eyes.

"Boy Wonder!" Her voice echoed. Somewhere in his mind Sam heard a blue rubber ball smack angrily against the wall.

"Shit." Bram breathed.

"With _impeccable_ patients.. I ask that you move with _impeccable_ detail and _impeccable_ determination to use a word other than impeccable!" Lou opened the door and tossed her copy of the Address at her deputy.

"How many times did I-?" Bram looked down at his papers.

"Four in the two pages I read." Sam sighed watching him drop his face into his hands. "At least she didn't throw a ball at you."

"OTTO!" Bram shouted in anguish into the pen. "Alice I need Otto!"

"Alice is at lunch." Josh said walking around the corner into the office. "He's at his desk, use the intercom."

"Since when do you know how to use the intercom?"

"Peter made me." Josh whispered softly raising his eyebrow.

"He made you? Donna tried to get you to-."

"She never made me." He grinned a little.

"Josh she tried to teach you for like-." Seaborn shook his head.

"She loved it when I bellowed." He sighed the way he did when he was musing over how much he missed Donna at work. "She never made me."

"Yeah."

"So?" Josh turned his head looking at his friend.

"So what?" Sam asked distractedly looking back at Bram.

"SAM." Josh's eyes widened.

"What?" He looked at Lyman in alarm.

"You have to _pick _a guy." Josh hissed.

"Oh that." Sam rolled his eyes. "Yeah. I farmed it out."

"You farmed it out? You farmed out the country's most sacred security ritual?"

"Most _sacred-?" _Seaborn raised his eyebrows.

"Sam if the unthinkable happens, the country will turn it's frightened and trusting eyes to the Oval office to the capable hands of..."

"A guy picked by Ed and Larry." Sam said breathlessly, his face paling before he moved towards the door.

Lyman shook his head before looking at Bram.

"Don't let her get to you." He said softly, as Otto rushed into the room.

"I messed it up." Bram looked at Josh before throwing his hands up at Otto in exasperation.

"We can fix it." Otto told him patiently.

_Everybody it's time to play Come on everybody let yo disc-man sway Forget all the other sounds 'Cause New Edition is what's going down_

**(During the Santos to Seaborn transition)**

"She's beautiful CJ, really." Her former assistant whispered.

"Yeah.. " CJ smoothed her hand across Abby Jane's red curls before tying the straps on the little blue wool hat Carol had bought her. "Did I mention it's really good to see you?"

"A few times maybe." The First Lady's press secretary laughed.

"Did I mention that I wanted to offer you a job?" CJ looked down at her baby when she spoke.

"CJ." Carol breathed.

"I know.. I know.. You've been here sixteen years and you probably want to get as far away from here as possible but-."

"I'll take it." She said softly. The other woman turned her head to face her.

"You don't even know what it is yet."

"CJ it's the White House." Carol said simply.

"But I could be asking you to work in the mess or something." She frowned.

"Are you asking me to work in the mess?" The younger woman grinned.

"I want you to be Press Secretary." CJ told her flatly.

"You want me to be what?" She squeaked.

"It's time." She told her. "It's past time."

"Oh my god." She shook her head. "Sam knows about this?"

"Sam's.. Of course Sam knows about this!"

"Who else?"

"Danny's going to be the Communications Director. Otto's going to be his deputy. Charlie's going to be mine."

"Can I keep Kate Kelley?" She breathed.

"Can you keep her?" CJ grinned. "Is she a puppy."

"She's my assistant."

"You can have whom ever you want."

_Now the time has come_ _To return as one_ _And it's never been better_

**(Present)**

"How we doing?" She eyed him nervously.

"I'm fine Donna." He told her with a sigh.

"I'm just.." She bit her lip, he let his eyes close guiltily.

"I know." He said a little softer.

"You don't have to." She whispered.

"I want to." He made sure his shoes were tied tightly before looking up at her. "I'm going to."

"Okay." She said softly.

"Josh?" Sam called walking into the office. "They're ready."

"Are you?"

"It's.. yeah." He glanced at his friend. "Are you?"

Lyman nodded wheeling himself out of the room. Seaborn turned to Donna she tried to look confident.

"I'm right behind him." He told her softly, putting his hand on her arm. Donna nodded before slipping past Sam and following Josh to the car.

_And now, I never thought this day would come_ _And it feels so good to me_ _To be back where we belong_

**(Present)**

"Hey." CJ slid up to her new boss, grinning quickly before looking towards Josh and Donna. "He's still gonna do it?"

Sam nodded, looking over CJ's shoulder at his wife.

"I made sure that Mallory and Margret were settled in up front with the Bartlett girls." She said softly. Sam smiled at her rubbing his hand up her arm.

"Ready?" Edie called in annoyance looking at the door.

"He doesn't like his tie." Helen rolled her eyes in exasperation. Sam laughed as Josh put his hand protectively over his own, but Donna was already working Peter's off of him.

"Here!" She muttered passing it along. Sam watched it change hands a few times before the first lady worked it around the President's neck. "We gave it to him for Christmas. It's Armani."

"Now?" Edie whispered. Matt Santos pulled himself to his full hight and looked at Josh.

Lyman swallowed hard and gave a quick nod. Santos looked at Donna for conformation. Her eyes were glued on her husband. She ducked down to his level and checked the break that he'd already set, trying to resist the urge to move aside the foot rests that Josh was already in the process of moving aside.

Peter handed him the black oak carved cane, he moved his hand along it for a second before catching Abby Bartlett's eye and smiling at her. Josh took Donna's hand and in his, pressing his thumb into her shaking palm before kissing it.

"Lets do this." He said softly, moving her hand to her arm and pressing his palms against the arm rests of the chair and propelling himself to his feet. He was too busy fighting for balance to feel the way Donna's hand had clamped down on his bicep, or how Sam had protectively gone to steady him, but as his equilibrium evened out and his mind registered the touch he smiled at it.

With Jed Bartlett's cane in one hand and his wife's fingers wound around the other he nodded at Matt Santos, who nodded at Edie, who nodded at the agent at the door.

"Mr. Speaker!" Came the all to familiar bellow. "The President of the United States."

_Oh yeah, it feels so good_ _To be back where we belong __(back where we belong)_ _Oh yeah, it feels so good_ _This is where we started from_ _(This is where we started from)_

**(Present)**

"We kick ass." Sam grinned flopping down on the couch next to his best friend.

"That was like my last thing." Josh said softly as Sam handed him a beer.

"Regrets?" Seaborn asked popping the top.

"About leaving?" Sam nodded at him and he sighed. "Not real ones."

"Fake ones?" Lyman watched his eyebrow raise with his question.

"Nostalgic ones." He chuckled dryly. "Silly ones."

"Like?" "You'll all be here without me. Doing the things we do.. without me."

"It won't be the same." Sam told him. "We won't enjoy it I promise."

"Good." He shook his head. "I'm going to miss you guys."

"You'll be around." Sam told him. "Christmases and stuff."

Josh nodded, closing his eyes and leaning back against the couch. .

"I'll vacation in New Hampshire."

"Yeah?" Josh cracked an eye at him.

"Yeah, I know a guy." He teased.

Seaborn let the silence sit for a few minutes before turning to him again.

"Josh... you know.. that I.. "

"Is this where you tell me that you've been harboring secret feelings for me all these years?" Josh tried to lighten the mood.

"Seriously?" Sam whispered, Josh slipped his eyes open and turned to look at his friend. "If it weren't for you? I'd be selling ships."

"You weren't selling ships Sam."

"No, I was convincing people not to buy the ships that I was trying to sell them." He chuckled. "You.. you made this all possible Josh. Washington, the White House, Congress, In a month, I take the oath of office.. that was all you Josh. How do you thank someone for that?"

Lyman was about to argue that Sam would have gotten there someday. He was going to tell him he was a natural, it was his destiny. He was going to read him the script. Instead he clapped his hand down on Seaborn's shoulder and whispered.

"You do good."

_Been too long it's time to get in the mood_ _Something to make you move_ _A li'l something that's in this groove_ _It'll be alright_

**(Election night)**

Lyman watched the steady rise and fall of his wife's chest under the white satin sheets, he drew his finger slowly down her sleeping body, feeling a long slow breath pull in. Her eyes fluttered open and she looked at him intently before bringing her hand up to cup his face, tracing her fingers softly across his lips as he opened them, kissing one wetly. She studied him with her gaze as he pulled back the sheet and pressed his lips to the bare flesh of her stomach he'd exposed during his earlier tracing.

"Josh?" Her hands found his hair, brushing the outside edge of her thumb across his head.

"Shh.. " He told her. "Don't think about it."

"Josh." She whispered.

"Shh.."

"I'm scared." She whimpered.

"I know Baby. Don't think about it." He slipped his hands up the side of her pajama top until he'd drawn it up over her head. Kissing each breast slowly before pressing his mouth into the space between them. Her hips lifted off the bed a little and he repeated the action, this time drawing her bottoms down onto her thighs. He felt the tips of her fingers grip his shoulders.

"I love you." He told her softly. "I need you."

He pulled up and looked at her eyes, smiling a little as the fear slipped for a second into something more familiar. She wound her arms around his neck and bravely pressed her mouth to his. He brought his fingertips to her face, tracing her soft skin for a second before pressing his hands into her hair. She struggled to her knee's somewhat frantically. Josh grinned against her lips.

"That's my girl." He whispered pressing his thumbs into her hips and guiding her body towards his.

"You're sure?" She asked tentatively pulling back from him a little.

"Donnatella you're killing me here." He whispered softly.

"That's kind of the fear here, Joshua." She whined pressing her forehead against his. He brought his hands from her hips, tilting her face up.

"Stay with me." He told her, moving his finger between there eyes. "I'm okay, Baby."

She bit her lip as he replaced his hands on her hips and guided himself into her. She gasped at the contact, he smiled at her sweetly, trying to force away the tension he knew would be showing in his eyes. He closed them briefly pulling in a breath before he started to move in her. She bit her lip harder as he pressed his palm into her lower back, drawing in deeper. Forcing himself to take slow deliberate breaths.

"Josh." She repeated faintly, not sounding so fearful this time. Her breath quickened, her eyes pressing shut. Lyman pressed his face into her neck. Dropping back on his heels, pulling her with him. She moaned on impact clenching against him. He took a staggered breath, he knew he wouldn't last very long this first time, but he'd hoped it would be longer than this.

"Oh God I missed this." He told her softly, straining to stay in control.

"Let go, Joshua." She told him softly moving herself above him now. He grasped at her back, pulling her even tighter against him, moaning against her shoulder. He was going to see this through, even if it killed him. _Figuratively of course._

With more strength then it felt like he had he pushed her back onto the bed, moving his thumb against her in small slow circles. Only when she was crying out in little bursts did he enter her again, feeling her tremble against his chest, wrapping her legs gingerly around his waist.

He pulled her tight, urging more contact as she bucked back against his hips and fought against a strangled scream as she felt her body shake again. This time it was enough and Josh let go with a breathy grunt.

He lay beside her on the bed stroking back her hair as she clung to him.

"I'm still breathing." He whispered to her.

"Quiet pleased with your self?" She asked.

"You seemed quiet pleased with me yourself." He teased pulling her back to his chest settling his chin against her shoulder. He let her soft breathing lul him to sleep.

"Josh?" She said suddenly startling him awake.

"What's wrong?"

"I wasn't planning on-." She said somewhat desperately.

"I know, I was." He muttered. "You would have waited years."

"Joshua.. I'm off the pill." That opened his eyes.

"Why would you do something like that?" He asked in confusion.

"Well, lets see? My husband was shot and in the hospital for almost four months. Filling my prescription may have slipped my mind." She squeaked defensively.

"It's okay. What are the odds of-?"

"Josh." She breathed. "This is me."

"Yeah." He sniffed "I know."

"I'm like a baby making factory Josh."

"I know."

"We've gone with out birth control three times, Joshua."

"Yes."

"And how many times have I been pregnant _Joshua_?"

"Three." He told her with a sigh, he kissed her ear. "Would it be so bad?"

She was silent for a minute before she whispered.

"No."

_Nobody's humpin' around tonight_ _And baby your mama need not to get it_ _Cause N.E. is damn sho nuff comin' with it_

**(Five years ago)**

"Hey." Ainsley looked up from the desk.

"Donna!" She jumped to her feet taking a step back as Donna's eyes settled on her pregnant middle before dropping her eyes to the floor.

"I'm.. " Ainsley dropped back into her chair. "Sorry."

"You have a right to be pregnant." Donna whispered softly. The smaller blond looked away for a second.

"Josh said you've been okay?" Ainsley asked nodding her head.

"I'm sorry." Donna rubbed her face. "I didn't call you back. I'm.."

"I understand." She whispered, Donna waited until she saw her face before giving her a tentative look. "Okay no I don't really but I can sort of think about how I would have felt. I mean it's a constant reminder but Donna I'm going to have this reminder for the rest of our lives and you're like a sister to me and I don't know how to get past this."

Donna pressed her lips into a sad smile before she nodded.

"We could try to talk.."

Donna nodded again.

"I didn't want to get pregnant." She whispered after a few minutes. "We didn't mean to." She grinned. "We didn't mean to with Noah either you know? So you'd think I'd have learned." She sniffed. "I had strep throat. I was on antibiotics. I'm a grown woman and I didn't think about the whole counteracting medication thing. I kept taking the pill.." Her voice trailed off. "Maybe that's why.. I don't know."

"Donna. It just happens." Ainsley said softly. "My OB said 15 out of 100 times it happens." The woman slipped out of her own visitors chair and moved towards her friend. .

"I know."

"How's Josh?" Ainsley whispered.

"Worried about me." Donna smiled.

"There's a switch." Ainsley giggled. Donna lowered her eyes to her friends abdomen.

"How are you?"

"We're fine." The First Lady's Chief had to strain to hear her replacements voice. "It's a boy."

A grin broke out on Donna's face.

"A boy?" She squeaked laying her hand gently over the baby..

"Our son's can grow up in the White House together." Ainsley smiled.

_Oh yeah, it feels so good_ _To be back where we belong_ _Oh yeah, it feels so good_ _This is where we started from_

**Present) **

**Barbra Walters Special **

"You two have been through a lot." Josh smiled at his wife then back at Walters.

"We have." She grinned. "More than our fair share."

He shook his head.

"The key words there are been through. We've made it through."

"What are your plans now?" She looked at Josh. "You sat here with me two weeks before this second shooting and told me that you were leaving Washington. Is that still true?"

"Absolutely." Donna laughed.

"Josh?"

"I'm packed." He raised his hands.

"Out of politics?"

"Yes." He nodded his head.

"No Senate runs?"

"No." Josh laughed

"No managing House elections?"

"No." He told her firmly. "If Donna wants to run for School Board I might help her make posters." Josh grinned. "If she's lucky." Donna shook her head.

"Donna?"

"Yes?"

"No more politics?"

"Absolutely not."

"You'll be staying home with Noah and Joanie?"

"Yes."

"Possibly more children?"

"Possibly." She looked at Josh, his lips twitching into a sweet smile.

"Josh?"

"Barbra?"

"What will you do?"

"Nothing." He grinned, Walters lifted her eyes. "For a long time. I'm going to play with my kids. I'm going to take Donna on vacations."

"You're going to take me on vacation?" Donna squeaked.

"Where ever you want to go." He blinked at her.

Barbra smiled and for a second Donna had hope she was going to ask where she wanted to go instead of the question they had come here to answer.

"There is going to be a trial."

"Yes." Josh said seriously, slipping his thumb softly up and down Donna's wrist.

"But no Civil Suit." "No." Josh smiled a knowing smile.

"What's the point?"

"The point?" Walters raised an eyebrow.

"It won't change anything." Donna whispered. "I can't give us back what we lost of the last year."

"We're moving forward."

_Oh yeah, it feels so good To be back where we belong_

**(Present) **

"I used to keep Noah's playpen in the corner, but with Joanie I moved it to the middle of the room. She used to help when someone came in to yell at me. They got distracted by her cuteness." Josh pulled himself up from the desk. CJ moved towards the wheelchair, looking from it to the baby. He smiled at her. "I'm okay. I got it."

"You really kept them in here?" She asked tentatively, glancing at Abby Jane. Lyman moved slowly towards the closet, swinging it open to reveal what could rival a small section of Toy's 'R Us. The woman shook her head slowly.

"The old records room on the other side of the outer office is a makeshift playroom. When their not in here they're in there. They have a tutor, and a nanny and about a million volunteers." He rolled his eyes. "Sam's keeping most of them on, so Taylor and the baby should be all set." Lyman nodded at the baby. "She and David can grow up together like Noah and Leo did."

CJ watched Josh carefully make his way back around the desk to his wheelchair.

"Getting pretty steady on your feet there." CJ commented. "I do okay." He raised his eyebrows. "I wasn't all that steady before the whole-." He gestured to the side of his head before lowering himself down. "I made it to my seat at the Union without falling on my ass. That was my goal. It takes a whole hell of a lot of concentration." He blew out a puff of air.

The door to the Oval slipped open and Matt Santos stuck his head in.

"Hey CJ."

"Mr. President."

"We're ready for the thing." Josh was already heading towards the door. He glanced back at CJ.

"Hang out for a while. Figure out where you're going to put the couch when I get my stuff the hell out of the way."

He winked at her and disappeared through the door. She walked around the desk and settled into his chair looking down at her sleeping baby. Her eyes lifted, skimming the pictures of Donna on Josh's desk, down to the photos of the kids playing on the lawn of the White House. Her eyes settled on a small yellow post it note framed as dramatically as a certain napkin she remembered.

_**WWLD.**_

_Oh yeah, it feels so good_ _This is where we started from_


	14. In My Life

**In my life**

_There are places I remember  
All my life though some have changed  
Some forever not for better  
Some have gone and some remain_

**(Present)**

She knew he'd be there. She stood in the hallway and watched him move slowly around the small room that used to be his, touching the desk, the bookshelves, before settling his hands slowly on the windowsill. She moved forward quietly, watching the smallest of smiles cross his features as he looked out into space, wondering which of the millions of memories he'd found.

"I was thinking how you used to watch for me." He whispered quietly.

"How did you know I was here?" She asked just as soft. She'd stopped asking how he knew what she was thinking long ago. He just did.

"The same way you knew I'd be here." He told her turning his head to face her with a quick grin before turning back out to the window. "You kept me going Donnatella." He shook his head slowly. "Back then, I came and went for you, because you were waiting." She moved into the office and joined him by the window. "I made you wait too long." He said sadly moving a long blond strand of hair from her face.

"It was worth the wait Joshua." She told him leaning into the fingertips tracing the outline of her cheek. She turned into his arms, looking out the window with him.

Josh slipped his hand under her shirt, feeling the smoothness of her abdomen, tracing circles with his thumb.

"These guys, will never think that being carried from the Lincoln Bedroom at four in the morning by secret service agents is normal." Josh whispered in her ear.

"I don't know if that's good or bad." Donna whispered. "They loved it here Josh."

"They still will, at holidays and birthdays.. but they'll also have a normal life. With parents that they actually see."

"They saw us." She argued half heartedly, knowing he was right.

"Behind our desks. Behind podiums. Behind our agents." Josh mused kissing the back of her ear. "Not anymore."

A slow smile played across her lips as she leaned back into him. "Not anymore."

_All these places have their moments  
With lovers and friends I still can recall_

_Some are dead and some are living  
In my life I've loved them all_

**(A year ago)**

"Go home and pack ." Josh called to Peter, sticking his head out of his office. He turned towards his agent. "You too."

"What's up?" Casnoff asked warily.

"Campaign trip. We're doing a thing in Las Vegas." Nick moaned in response. "Relax the girls are going."

"Oh Goodie! I get to cast wayward glances at my girlfriend while you and your wife do Vegas."

"You better keep your wayward glances on my wife." Lyman grumbled, Nick snorted. "You know what I mean."

"Take Dave. Take Gina. Ana and I will stay with the kids."

"It's Vegas Baby. You're going." Josh clapped his hand down on his agents arm before withdrawing to the hall. "And you're coming back hitched."

Nick bit back his words and followed Josh into the hall. Lyman grinned back at him, knowing his friend would have to play G-man in the corridors. That's why he'd waited to spring this on him. He followed Josh stiffly down the hall, climbing in the car after him.

"I'm getting what?" He hissed.

"It's time." Josh told him frankly.

"Says you?"

"Says Ana to Donna, in my living room last night. There were tears and Chocolate Chunk Ice Cream. It was bad Man." Lyman shook his head.

"She cried?"

"**They** cried. They yelled at me for being male. Donna threw Chocolate Chunks. It wasn't pretty."

"She said Donna had a planning meeting." Nick whispered.

"More like a plotting meeting. I told Donna I'd take care of it. Now, in lieu of the heart to heart over dairy products, I'm just going to tell you not to fuck up a once and a lifetime thing." Casnoff looked out the window, Josh rolled his eyes. "So we're going to Vegas, you're marrying your girlfriend get to live and I no longer have to fear being rendered unconscious by chocolate.."

_But of all these friends and lovers  
There is no one compares with you  
And these memories lose their meaning  
When I think of love as something new_

**(post 'and it's surely to their credit')**

"Did you get it done?" She asked as he wandered back into the office.

"It's done." He smoothed his hands across his face. She watched him worriedly, he shot her a weak smile when he caught her. "You get it done."

"Leaves have been peeped." She told him trying to look unfazed. "So.. you and Sam.." Her voice trailed off, as he watched her shift her weight from one foot to the other. "A lawsuit huh?"

"Donna.." He sighed.

"I mean It's..." She gathered the papers on his desk together before straightening them back out again.

"Donna.."

"I mean.." She kept her back to him.

"Donna." He said louder this time.

"Don't shout." She whispered weakly closing her eyes.

Lyman slipped off of the edge of his desk and put his hands on her shoulders turning her slowly to face him.

"I'm not gonna."

"No?"

"It won't change anything."

"No."

"It's not worth drudging it all up and-." He huffed meeting her eyes.

"How you doing?" She asked softly, moving her hand against his chest.

"I'm tired." He told her honestly, taking his hand from her shoulder and pressing it against hers. It had become a calming gesture for both of them.

"You weaseled out an extra hour. I said ten. It's eleven."

"Your slipping." He teased, giving her hand a squeeze before letting his drop away.

"Did you eat?" She asked pulling files for his backpack as he started locking up.

"We ate, right here. You ate my fries."

"That was hours ago." She shook her head. "You have to have nutrients Joshua."

"You're hungry?" He realized.

"I'm hungry." She rolled her eyes at him. "Perhaps that's why I'm slipping."

"You ate my fries." He pointed out.

"Hardly nutritious." She snorted. "We have chicken at home."

"We do?" He asked in surprise, the sides of his mouth rising at the way she'd just called the town house home. "But no fries?"

"You're not supposed to have them anyway." She told him.

"Yet you got them for me." He pointed out.

"It won't happen again." She told him flippantly.

"You ate them anyway." He muttered holding the door open for her. "You get them for you."

"Your onto me." She tossed her hands up, slipping through the door.

"I'm quick like that." He grinned following her.

"Yes. It's only taken you two and a half years."

_Though I know I'll never lose affection  
For people and things that went before_

**(Present)**

"You really want to leave the next day?" Sam asked softly, looking down at the floor before he brought his eyes back to Josh.

"Yeah, we.. need to get out of the way." He grinned a little. "Donna really wants to get settled in. It's a nesting thing I guess."

"About that." Sam shook his head slowly. "How many you guys planning on having? Because this is seriously getting a little ridiculous. You're an old man Josh."

"We don't plan." Josh grinned. "It just happens."

"You do know where babies come from?"

"Sam." Josh looked away, his cheeks, to Sam's delight, more than slightly red.

"I mean I barely see my wife long enough to say hello and you keep impregnating yours."

"I keep-? I have proof of sex four times Sam. I swear one or two of them may have occurred bumping into each other in the hallway. She's like the fertile crescent that woman."

"Twins." Sam shook his head. "You're like the ultimate one upper. CJ has a baby you have to have two."

"What can I say. I over achieve." He grinned at Sam. "I think I blacked out when she told me."

"You're going to raise a herd of children in New Hampshire leaving me to run the free world."

"And the free world breathes a collective sigh of relief." CJ muttered coming around the corner she smirked at Josh. "Seriously? Are you going to let Donna where shoes in New Hampshire?"

"I'll tell her you said congratulations." He grumbled. "You ready to do the thing?"

"Lets go before I change my mind." She winked at Sam.

"Ahh.. My loyal troops." He smirked.

Matt Santos strode into the room as Josh and CJ ducked into his office with a wave. Sam drew in a quick breath, turning to face his friend.

"Mr. President."

":Mr. President Elect." Matt's demeanor slipped slightly as he perched himself on the edge of the desk. "Seventeen hours and fifteen minutes, Sam."

"What no seconds?'

"Josh wasn't sure how fast you'd walk.." Santos gave him a long hard look. "Speaking of Josh and walking."

"He's completely determined." Sam rubbed his eye. "I tried to talk him out of it."

"I know Helen was working on Donna last night."

"She's freaked.. but if the Donna Lyman had a theme song it would be Stand By Your Man."

"Yeah." Santos shook his head briefly. "So.. We should probably.." He gestured back to the desk.

"Sure."

_I know I'll often stop and think about them  
In my life I love you more_

**(Two weeks ago.)**

He heard the door to his office open, his eyes drifting up. It was either Sam or..

"Hey Baby. How'd it go?" He pushed his hands off of the desk and propelled the desk chair across the room to her. "I'm so sorry I couldn't go. I promise this will be the only time." He whispered to her abdomen. "Everything okay?" She nodded a little too quickly. "Cause you look a little freaked?"

"I'm fine. We're all fine." She said watching his face for a reaction.

"Good, cause I have something I want to talk to you about.. " He pulled himself up from the chair and leaned his hip against the desk for a minute until he got his balance and pulled to his feet. "Don't say anything until I'm done." Her eyebrows creased. "I.. I wanna walk with Sam. Her mouth fell open, he touched her chin to keep her silent. "I know. I know, but I've done it on the treadmill and I know it's not the same but I think I can.."

"Josh.. It's going to be a very long day. We said we'd stay with them. You'll never make it to twelve balls if you walk two blocks up hill in the freezing cold.."

"Donna.. I'm the one that got Sam into this. I can't take this journey with him." He said softly. "Least I can do is walk him to the door." Her eyes softened and he leaned in and touched his lips to his. "That's my girl. It'll be fine, you'll see."

"Josh?"

"Humm?" He pressed his lips against her neck.

"Something happened today." She felt him flinch pulling back and looking into her eyes.

"I thought you said it was fine?"

"It is. Don't freak out.."

"You're scaring me."

"There are two heartbeats." Lyman blinked at his wife, with a blank expression. "Two babies." He stood frozen. "Okay Josh now you're scaring me."

"Two?" He breathed looking from her middle back up to his face. She nodded raising her eyebrows slowly.

"Josh?" Her voice was almost hopeful this time. He nodded his head at her pulling her tighter.

"And their sure every thing's okay?" He asked, his voice muffled by her hair.

"Every thing's okay." She sighed pressing her face against his chest.

_Though I know I'll never lose affection  
For people and things that went before_

**(Two months ago)**

Josh had felt it necessary to walk into the courtroom. Donna's eyes rolled into the back of her head.

"You don't walk for six months and now your like cross training for the Boston Marathon?" She spit at him.

"I'm not giving them the pleasure of seeing me in that thing." He said pointing at the wheelchair.

"They've seen you in that thing on TV a million times." She made a face wiping her forehead with the back of her hand.

"I couldn't see them then." He told her in irritation before glancing up at her paling features."You okay?" He reached out his hand and held her elbow.

"Yeah. It's just, you know, the thing.." She gestured to the courtroom. "and the... other thing." She told him bringing her hand back up to her head. "I'm more than a little stressed out here Joshua.

"Donna please don't make me feel guilty about this."

"I'm not." She huffed.

"Can we not do this here?" Sam interjected looking around at the small crowd of courthouse employee's that had gathered outside the Secret Service's Barrier. "Can we do this inside?"

"I won't if you really don't want me to." He whispered to her.

"No. It's fine." She told him softly closing her eyes..

"You look like.." He made a face.

"Yeah..." She pushed away from him and started down the hall. "I'm gonna... you know.." Her speed picked up a little as she pushed through the bathroom door.

"Is she okay?" Sam asked watching her go with raised eyebrows.

_"_Yeah.. she has a thing.." He sighed vagely.

"Like a fetus?" Sam said bluntly. Josh looked at him sheepishly.

"She's not ready to tell."

"Yeah. Like she can keep that a secret." He gestured to the bathroom. "She testifies in an hour."

"She'll be fine." He looked at his watch. "This should be the last time."

"There were more times?" Sam whispered.

"Yeah.. she starts at four." Josh grimaced.

"Kay." She said walking up behind them.

"You sure?"

"Yeah. Lets go."

_I know I'll often stop and think about them  
In my life I love you more_

**_(post 'and it's surely to their credit')_**

She heard him in his bathroom. Her eyes blinking open as she slipped off the bed and into the hall.

"Hey." She whispered running the water over a washcloth and settling down beside him on the floor. She pressed it against his face, a few times before he took it and she slipped her hand to cup his forehead. Her other hand went instinctively to his Chest, rubbing down it in slow deliberate strokes. "You okay now?"

"I think so." He breathed, pressing his hand against hers. "Damn, that still hurts like hell."

"No blood this time." She whispered drawing her thumb across his sternum, feeling the raised bump of the scar.

"I don't miss popping stitches." He gave her a half hearted grin. She new he had a nightmare and he knew that she knew it. They wouldn't say anything.

"Want some water?"

"Nah." He gestured for her to help him stand up, she watched how he leaned against the sink when he did. She watched him suck the toothpaste out of the tube, reminding her of why she used the other bathroom.

"You should or you'll be all dehydrated in the morning." She filled up the cup and held it out to him.

"Why do phrase it as a question if you're going to make me do it anyway?" He grinned taking the water.

"For fun." She snorted pulling his arm down from his face a little. "Small sips or you'll be back on your hands and knees."

"Will you hold my head?" He teased.

"Someone has to make sure you don't drown. You are a very important man." She told him with a sly smile.

"I am." He winked at her before taking her hand and pulling her out of the bathroom.

She watched him sit back on the bed, contemplating his next statement, deciding what he had to say at that moment. Preferably wanting the littlest bit of vulnerability for the highest reward.

She huffed at him half heartedly sitting on the bed beside him.

"Is it weird?" He asked her nudging her over on the bed until she stretched out on the other pillow.

"In general or for me?" She asked, smoothing his hair back off of his head. At least she'd started in the guest room tonight. That was something right?

"For you I guess." He sighed.

"No. You?" She asked as he rolled over on his side and looked at her.

"Nah." A slow smile slipped across her face as he closed his eyes, reaching out blindly and pulling her hand to his chest. "Tell me about Leaf Peeping."

_In my life I love you more_


	15. Baby, You Save Me

**A/N This is a little different but not really. I wanted this chapter more for me than for the story. I hope you enjoy it. Thanks to Political Affairs for all the great show dialouge. I miss it already.**

**Lori**

**Bsby You Save Me**

_He takes her hands when the music starts._

"_Dance with me."_

"_Josh.." She says with trepidation._

"_It's okay. Dance with me."_

_He moves her to the floor, people move out of the way. It's that kind of dance._

"_I'm not as graceful as I.."_

"_You were never graceful." She teases, he's doing fine. They're dancing, just like they always have at Inaugural Balls. Like they were made to dance with each other forever. _

**Every now and then  
I get a little lost  
The strings all get tangled  
The wires all get crossed**

**JOSH:** Good morning!  
**DONNA:** My man!  
**JOSH:** Yes.  
**DONNA:** You came back to me.  
**JOSH:** Just like I promised.  
**DONNA:** I missed you.  
**JOSH:** When did you find you missed me the most?  
**DONNA:** The nights.  
**JOSH:** Of course

**Every now and then  
I'm right upon the edge  
Danglin' my toes out over the ledge  
I just thank God you're here, 'cause**

**DONNA:** Corrupt politician on the Lower East Side in the '20s. Every morning he stopped at the St James Church on Oliver Street, and said the same prayer: "Oh Lord, give me health and strength. We'll steal the rest."  
**JOSH:** Not that there needs to be, but was there a point?  
**DONNA:** You've got health and strength--both of which, coincidentally, I prayed for after hot lead was shot into your body.  
**JOSH:** _(getting agitated)_ Yeah, and you're going to need some kryptonite, by the way--  
**DONNA:** Okay ... settle down.  
**JOSH:** _(whispers)_ All right.  
**DONNA:** So you've got health and strength.  
**JOSH:** _(beat)_ And we'll steal the rest?  
**DONNA:** Bet your ass.  
**JOSH:** All right. _(beat)_ Good work tonight.  
_(he leaves, and Donna smiles broadly after him)_

**When I'm a bullet shot out of a gun  
When I'm a firecracker comin' undone  
When I'm a fugitive ready to run**

JOSH: Donna!  
DONNA: I have the personnel file for the pilot.  
JOSH: How did you know I was going to ask you for that?  
DONNA: I'm tuned to you.  
JOSH: Seriously.  
DONNA: I anticipate your every need.

**All wide-eyed and crazy  
No matter where my reckless soul takes me  
Baby you save me**

LEO: Donna's gonna take you to the emergency room.  
JOSH: She knows?  
LEO: She was the one who guessed.  
JOSH: I don't need the emergency room.  
LEO: Come on, it could be infected--you could have a thing.  
JOSH: What thing?  
LEO: How the hell do I know?  
JOSH: Leo--  
_(Donna approaches them)_  
DONNA: _(helps Josh on with his coat)_ Let's go.  
JOSH: See you later.

**It's hard lovin' a man  
That's got a gypsy soul**

Donna scribbles something else on the pad of paper: "Scared".

Josh looks very much like he's going to cry.

JOSH: (barely a whisper) Yeah ... don't be. (Donna makes a whimpering noise) You'll be fine, okay?

DOCTOR: Okay, Donna, here we go.

(Donna grabs Josh's hand as he slowly lets go of hers)

**  
I don't know how you do it  
I'm not sure how you know**

DONNA: How'd it go?  
JOSH: How do you know to be standing here?  
DONNA: I saw you out the window.  
JOSH: You don't have a window.  
DONNA: You have a window.  
JOSH: What are you doing in my office when I'm not there?  
DONNA: Looking for you out the window.  
JOSH: Okay.

**The perfect thing to say  
To save me from myself**

DONNA: Josh. (beat) Josh!  
JOSH: (half-asleep and very hungover) Huh?  
DONNA: What are you doing?  
JOSH: What?  
DONNA: Did you spend the night here?  
JOSH: No--just since a couple of hours ago.  
DONNA: The party went to the morning?  
JOSH: Yeah.  
DONNA: Why didn't you go home?  
JOSH: What?  
DONNA: Why didn't you go home after the party?  
JOSH: I couldn't find my keys or remember where I lived.  
DONNA: Josh.  
JOSH: I think there might have been strippers there.  
DONNA: Oh, my God.  
JOSH: Shhhh!  
DONNA: What happened to your clothes?**_  
_**JOSH: I may have wrinkled my suit.  
DONNA: Josh!  
JOSH: Donna. You ... you really want to speak very softly.  
DONNA: How did you get like this?  
JOSH: People were pouring champagne over each other--  
DONNA: And then wrestling in dirt?  
JOSH: I can't remember, but it's certainly not out of the question.  
DONNA: You have a meeting.  
JOSH: Yeah, I know. I'm not ... you know ... uh ... what was the meeting again?  
DONNA: Joey Lucas about O'Dwyer.  
JOSH: Yes.  
DONNA: Josh.  
JOSH: I'm fine.  
DONNA: You can't wear those clothes.  
JOSH: I'm fine.  
DONNA: Trust me.  
JOSH: They're the only clothes I've got.  
DONNA: I'll find some other clothes.  
JOSH: Fine.  
DONNA: Are you going to listen to me from now on?  
JOSH: (mutters) I'm not even listening to you now.  
DONNA: (raises voice) I said, are you going to listen--  
JOSH: Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes!

**  
You're the angel that belives in me  
Like no one else  
And I thank God you do, 'cause**

**_  
_DONNA:** So, what's been going on?  
**JOSH:** You were in the Mess?  
**DONNA:** I was down there until just now. CJ's all right?  
**JOSH:** Yeah.  
**DONNA:** Where were you?  
**JOSH:** I was in here.  
**DONNA:** You want anything?  
**JOSH:** No.  
**DONNA:** You know, I'm going to get you some water or something.  
**JOSH:** I'm all right.  
**DONNA:** All right. So ... what do you think of this guy?  
**JOSH:** I don't know, I haven't been talking to him that long.  
**DONNA:** Okay. I'm going to ... I'll be around here.

**  
When I'm a bullet shot out of a gun  
When I'm a firecracker comin' undone  
When I'm a fugitive ready to run**

_Last time she laughed and told him she would get him a cowboy hat and boots to go with this song. Now she just listens, her head tucked into the crook of his neck as he whispers the words to her. She laughs when he says wide-eyed and crazy because he has been so many times. She still feels her breath catch when he calls her Baby, even though he has for years. He feels solid, strong with his arms around her. _

_He pulls back just enough to meet her eyes when he says 'you save me.' He wants her to know for sure that he means every word. She smiles at him. The real one that shows bits of her teeth and makes her look like Johanna. He presses his forehead into hers because he can't stand to have any space between them. He loves this woman. Thats all he can think right now: How much he loves this woman. She breathes deeply, moving her cheek until it's back against his neck where she can feel his pulse. Where she can hear the soft hum in his voice as he sings the song to her and only her._

**All wide-eyed and crazy  
No matter where my reckless soul takes me  
Baby you save me**

DONNA: So the President has the opportunity to back the FEC without people and make immeasurable impact on campaign finance reform?  
JOSH: Yes.  
DONNA: Well, do it baby!  
JOSH: There's a couple of roadblocks.  
DONNA: What?  
JOSH: Whenever a vacancy comes up, the party leadership of both sides ... did you just call me "baby" back there?  
DONNA: Yeah.  
JOSH: Okay.

**I know I don't tell you nearly enough  
I couldn't live one day without your love  
**

**TOBY:** Donna, seriously--  
**DONNA:** I'm perfectly serious, Toby. He's recovering from an attempted murder. He's supposed to be resting and I don't want people going over there getting him fuhtushed.  
**TOBY:** Fartoost. Don't bring the Yiddish unless you know what you're doing.  
**DONNA:** You know what word should be Yiddish but isn't?  
**TOBY:** Donna--  
**DONNA:** "Spatula."

**When I'm a ship tossed around on the waves  
Up on a high wire that's ready to break**

DONNA: Can I say something?  
JOSH: Yeah.  
DONNA: This guy?  
JOSH: Yeah?  
DONNA: There are some who would consider him handsome--I don't personally, because you're the only one I think is handsome--  
JOSH: Uh-huh.  
DONNA: --but for the sake of appearances? Here around the office, so that people wouldn't suspect, I'd pretend I thought this guy was handsome if you hired him. Of course, all along it would be a lie, because of how handsome you are. And powerful.  
JOSH: Your sense of humor is a bit of a high-wire act, isn't it? You're really trying to thread the needle.  
DONNA: And half of it you don't even get.

**  
When I've had just about all I can take ****Baby, you,**

DONNA: You're still here.  
JOSH: Yeah. I'm still here.  
_(Donna looks at him, and the camera pans back and fades out as Josh tenderly adjusts her blanket around her)_

**  
Baby you save me  
**

_He knows that she has saved him. Many times. From disaster, from death, from himself. He fights because of her. He breathes because of her. It has been her and politics up until now and now it's just her. She knows he has to be tired. It's mentally and physically exhausting for him to do this. Part of her wants to tell him to sit down. Part of her is scared. He knows this, she feels him smile against her cheek. Moving his lips gently over her temple and kissing it lightly. She leans into his shoulder and lets him have this. Tomorrow there lives will be different. _

_He's aware everyones watching. He's aware that she doesn't notice. He's been practicing this. Dancing in physical therapy. Dancing around the office when no one was looking. He's practiced with the First Lady, both incoming and outgoing. He wanted this. He wanted today. To walk with his best friend. To dance with the love of his life. To leave this town with his head high, after everything. To leave his image strong. Undefeated._

_It's not just him. It's for his father. For Leo. For Jed Bartlett. It's so he can look back at it all and know they would have said 'Good Work Son.' And without her, he would have never gotten here. He would have failed. Died, probably against that wall in Newsum, definitely the following Christmas. He has her in the end and he knows that's all that matters. _

**When I'm a bullet shot out of a gun  
When I'm a firecracker comin' undone  
When I'm a fugitive ready to run**

DONNA: State by states are out. We're tied in South Carolina and Arkansas and California.  
JOSH: _(beginning to wake up)_ California?  
DONNA: We pulled ahead in Arizona, Nevada, Virginia--we got the new national tracking polls--  
JOSH: _The Times?_  
DONNA: It's 44-44. We're tied.  
JOSH: _(whispers)_ We're _tied?_  
DONNA: Nationally.  
JOSH: _(his eyes go wide, his jaw drops and he literally squeals with excitement)_ Holy mother of God, _we got him!_  
DONNA: _(grinning)_ Yes!  
JOSH: _(still squealing)_ We got him!

**All wide-eyed and crazy  
No matter where my reckless soul takes me  
Baby you save me**

_What she remembers about that kiss is the way he touched her face. The way his hands came up so quickly with such force only to stop so sharply she felt a breeze before his fingers so tentatively, lovingly, desperately, brushed against her face. He loved her. He had always loved her. Any doubt she had ever had disappeared into that kiss. _

_That was the answer. That was the moment. No matter what had happened before or after that moment, she would know that he'd always loved her. He would always love her. _

**Baby you, ****Baby you save me.**


	16. I'm Moving On

**I'm Moving On**

_I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons  
Finally content with a past I regret_

**(After Donna is hired on with the Santos Campaign)**

She could feel him there seething. She'd heard him pacing back and forth in the hall. stopping at the doorway only to start again. She weighted her options, talk first or wait to see if he ever would.

"Hey." He made his decision so suddenly she jumped. She kept her back to him. "We need to talk about this."

"I don't want to argue with you." She whispered.

"I'm not arguing." He said softly, she could hear him creeping into the room. "Donnatella I can't-"

"Don't do that." She whispered sinking down into a chair at the table. She couldn't hear that voice and remain in control.

"Don't do what? Apologize?" She held her breath and tried to keep her heart in check.

"No.. don't call me-." She swung around to face him, just in time to see his face register her words. She swallowed hard at the lost expression. "What do you want Joshua?"

"Lunch." He said softly holding up a takeout bag.

"Lunch?"

"I.. brought you lunch.." He watched her face as she considered this. "I thought it was only fair, since it's what got us in to this mess in the-."

"Stop talking." She ordered. He closed his mouth obediently, blinking at her with his damn pleading eyes. God how she'd missed those damn-. His eyebrow quirked up and she knew she was caught. He'd seen her. He'd found her. "What did you bring me?"

She watched the smile spread across his face, god she'd missed that-. Stupid dimples.. they always got her.

"Greek Salad, extra olives." He held it out to her, setting it on the desk with care. "I got one too." He said like a little boy trying to please his teacher. "I also got some fries that I'm going to pretend to want." He opened the container turning it towards her suspiciously.

"Josh.." She exhaled, her body slumping forward towards the table.

"No." He said quietly.

"No?" She lifted her eyes to him.

"Let's just.." He looked at her again. This time there was no little boy innocence in his pleading eyes. "How was your first real day?"

She watched him stab at his salad, lifting his head from the fries to her. She reached over slowly, deliberately, and took a fry. He exhaled in what could not be mistaken as anything but what it was. Relief.

"Crazy."

_I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness  
For once I'm at peace with myself_

**(Present)**

"Is that everything?" Donna breathed looking up at the house.

"I think so." Josh mumbled. "The movers got most of it."

He looked over the house suspiciously, before an odd look came to his face.

"What?" Donna asked tilting her head to meet his eyes.

"I'm gonna miss it." He told her in surprise.

"The house?"

"Yeah."

"Josh you were never ever here."

"Yeah."

"I mean.. honestly.. It was where you slept. If you made it this far. If you slept."

"I know. It.. had.. potential."

"Yeah." She sighed.

"We could have marked the kids hight on the wall with little notches... and.. stuff." He gestured wildly.

"We can do that in New Hampshire." She told him touching his arm lightly.

"Yeah." He smiled at her. "We can."

"Lets go." This was going to be the hard part. This was going to be what sucked. This was the big goodbye.

It wasn't this house that he would wake up missing in the middle of the night. It wasn't this house that was his heart and soul.

It was the White House.

_I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long  
I'm movin' on_

**(The trial of Cynthia Clark. Accomplice in the attempted murder of Josh Lyman)**

She'd sat there calmly as Ainsley's old partner asked her questions. Shooting quick glances at Josh. Monitoring his status, he realized about half way through.

He turned to Josh now, letting his eyes sweep over his best friend. He looked good, his eyes fused on Donna. His hands folded loosely on his lap. No tension. No apparent discomfort.

Donna for her part, looked a little worse for wear.

"I have no further questions for this witness." Hillary dropped back down in her seat. Donna's eyes shot to the defense attorney as he stood up.

"Mrs. Lyman do you know this woman?"

"Yes. Her name is Cynthia Clark."

"You've met her?"

"She sent me letters every month for the past six years." Donna's voice was low. Josh shifted in his seat, Sam gave him a quick glance.

"Letters?"

"Begging me to leave my husband."

"Did she ever threaten you?"

"No."

"Did she ever make threats against your husband?"

"Not directly. No."

"Did she ever say she wanted him dead?"

"No."

"Did she ever say she was going to kill him or that anyone was going to kill him?"

"No."

"Did she ever give you any indication that she knew of or wanted an attempt on your husbands life?"

Sam smiled. He'd messed up. This was it. This was her chance.

"Yes. On the day of the shooting when she warned me not to go to the site."

"She told you not to go there because Josh was going to be shot?"

"No."

"She told you not to go there because there was going to be a shooting?"

"No."

"Then what was her reasoning?"

"She said I wasn't supposed to be there."

"Is it possible she didn't want you at the speech because she thought you shouldn't be exposed to the content?"

"No."

"No?"

"She knew I had already been 'exposed to the content.' I helped write the content."

"Is it not possible that. she-."

"Objection Your Honor!" Hillary shook her head. "How many possibliities would Mr. Tomson like for Mrs. Lyman to consider?"

"Sustained. Your point please?"

"Mrs. Lyman. Did Cynthia Clark ever tell you, by mail, in person or by any other method that she knew of any plot to harm your husband?"

"No."

"Thank you. Mrs. Lyman. Nothing further your honor."

"Premission to redirect my witness?" Hillary asked shaking her head at him again.

"Granted."

"Donna, When you saw the reaction that Cynthia Clark had to you the day of the shooting what was the first thing you thought?"

"That they were going to kill my husband." She said flatly, her eyes never leaving Hillary's.

"Was there any doubt?"

"No."

"Thank you Mrs. Lyman."

_I've lived in this place and I know all the faces  
Each one is different but they're always the same  
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it  
They'll never allow me to change_

**(Just before Josh leaves the Bartlett White House.)**

"Josh. I need you to take care of that thing with Colt." CJ said looking down her paper towards him. Josh lifted his eyes to her blankly. "Josh?"

"What?" He asked absently, moving his hand down his tie.

"Colt." She exchanged glances with Toby.

"Yeah.. I'll.." He pressed his lips together. Shaking his head for a second.

"Take care of it."

"I'm sorry I forgot to do something, this morning. Are we finished here?" He looked at CJ again.

"You'll take care of it?"

"Yeah.. I'll fix it." He shook his head again.

"Josh? Is something wrong?" CJ huffed impatiently.

"No. I just forgot something."

"Care to share with the class?" She asked. He looked at her for a moment. "First you waltz in here at quarter after, late for Sr. Staff now you're-"

"CJ." Toby said softly, never moving his eyes away from Lyman. "I have some things too."

"Fine. All of you get the hell out of my office." She flopped back down into her chair. Josh was out the door by the time she looked up. Toby moved forward, tapping his fingers on his desk. "I thought you were busy?"

"He forgot to take his blood pressure medication." Toby told her bluntly. "Probably yesterday too." CJ's face went ashen for a minute. "He over slept."

"He's a grown man." She whispered weakly.

"A grown man who's had someone call him every morning for the last eight years and tell him to get up. Even when she was in Germany recovering from a terrorist attack.. The same woman who set his watch every morning, because it sucks, so that it would go off to remind him to take his blood pressure medication."

"So what are you saying?" She rolled her eyes. "You want me to call him at five in the morning and remind him to take a pill?"

"It's been two days CJ. He doesn't even know what direction up is yet. He just lost the love of his life in a matter of seconds and he's a little shell shocked..."

"Yeah." She moved her hand across her face. "Has he talked to her?" Toby shook his head.

"She called me Yesterday." He swallowed. "She's not coming back."

_But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong  
I'm movin' on_

**(still Josh's last days in the BWH.)**

He stood over the sink, taking deep breaths like she'd taught him to do. Pressing his wet hands against his sweaty face, before fumbling through his backpack and producing the bottle of pills. It was full. It hadn't been three days ago. He knew that, pressing his fingers against the lid. She'd filled it. She'd prepared him for her departure.

The lid popped off sending half of them flying into the sink. He turned around and threw up the muffin the temp had given him that morning into the trash can before fishing one of the pills remaining in the bottle and swallowing it. Donna had told her too feed him. Left her a note or something, he was sure now.

He pressed his eyes closed and took another deep breath. He had to get out of here. He had to leave. He had to do something that wasn't this. That wasn't here. With CJ in Leo's office and Donna gone, there was no place for him here.

_I'm movin' on  
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me  
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone_

**(Present)**

"You're going?" Sam said quickly looking over at Josh with a worried expression. Lyman nodded. "I have.. something.." He looked back towards the Oval.

"Go." Josh told him softly.

"I'll call.. I'll have someone call..."

"Donna'll call Ainsley."

"Yeah." He started back towards the door. "Josh?"

"Sam?"

"Thanks." He watched his best friend hurry off towards the door of the the Oval. He smirked at the small feeling of envy that surged through him.

"Yeah." He called back to the closing door.

_There comes a time in everyone's life  
When all you can see are the years passing by  
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone_

**(Present)**

Donna leaned back against the wall of the livingroom of the residence trying to go undetected.

"So.. you're going to live at Nana's." Leo asked again, leaning forward to see Noah's face. "And I'm going to live here."

"That's the plan, yeah."

"I'll be the only boy." Leo said absently. "Leah, Taylor and Abbey Jane are girls."

"David's a boy."

"David's a baby." Noah seemed to be lost in thought for a minute, nodding slowly at Leo's words. "Girls and babies."

"Change your mine yet?" Ainsley asked, leaning next to her.

"This is the part that stinks." Donna said softly.

"Leo's heart broken. He was already pointing out that Noah could have the bottom bunk." She said softly.

"When we visit."

"Yeah." Ainsley looked up at the door way smiling sadly at Josh.

"Ready?" He whispered.

_I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't  
Stopped to fill up on my way out of to  
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't I had to lose everything to find out_

**(Trial of Cynthia Clark.)**

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury have you reached a vertidict?"

"We have Your Honor." Josh looked at the woman sitting next to him. She bit the rim of her lip and starred at the jury. They'd looked away. She couldn't believe it. They'd looked away. " For the charge of attempted murder we find the defendant not guilty. For the charge of conspiricey to commit murder, we find the defendant not guilty." Josh ran his hand down Donna's arm squeezing her hand at the end.

"This isn't right." She whispered.

"I told you, it doesn't matter." He breathed in her ear. "None of it matters."

"For the charge of accsesorry to an atempted murder, we find the defendant guilty."

"Thank you Mr. Forman."

"Screw you Mr. Forman." Donna muttered to herself.

"It doesn't matter."

_Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road  
I'm movin' on_

Josh turned in the passanger seat and looked at his kids. Noah starred absently out the window and Joanie was already falling asleep on her brothers shoulder. He glanced at Donna as she starred dubiously at the dashboard of the car.

"You should have taken Ana up on her offer."

"I can drive Josh.. It's just been a long time." She squeezed the steering wheel. "Ana needed to get there before us. She needed to get used to the security system.

"Donna she was a secret service agent for like a decade."

"Josh. Can I focus here?"

"Please." He turned his head back out the window as she pulled out of the parking lot in the new van, watching Washington slip by him. He took a long slow breath, feeling Donna's hand slip off of the wheel and cover his own.

"This is sureal." She whispered.

"Yeah., it is."

"We're just the Lymans now."

_I'm movin' on  
I'm movin' on_


	17. You Move Me

You move me.

_

* * *

This is how it seems to me  
Life is only therapy  
Real expensive  
And no guarantee

* * *

_

(Present)

"Where's your brother?" Josh Lyman shouted at his daughter as she ran through the house. "Sam.. Sam calm down okay.." He followed Joanie with his eyes, cupping his hand over the receiver of the phone.. "Johanna, where is your brother?"

"He's in the barn." She yelled before tearing up the steps. Lyman moved uneasily to his feet, squinting against the light as he looked through the back door. He could just make out Noah's form.

"He's bluffing Sam." He muttered easing the door open and leaning against the railing. "No he's-. Wait Hold on. Noah Samuel Lyman get your-."

"Josh.." Donna rolled her eyes as she made her way past him and down the stairs.

"He's in the barn again. I told him he can't just-." He muttered to his wife. "Hold on Sam."

"You realize you're telling the Leader of the Free world to wait while you curse at your eight year old son, right?" She called starting towards the barn.

"Sorry Sam. Noah's in the-." He rubbed his hand across his face. "Yeah I know you're busy.. Davis is bluffing Sam. He won't cross party lines. Not for something as stupid as this."

"Noah get your butt back to the house." Donna yelled suddenly, Josh's lips twitched into a smirk.

"No I'm not saying that the education bill is stupid. Sam… Sam.. I have to go." He hung up the phone, watching his son dart out of the barn door and up towards the house. "So you can curse but I can't?"

"I said butt. Were you planning on saying butt?" She grinned at his smirk. "Besides, I wasn't on the phone with the Commander and Chief."

"I was on the phone with Sam." He mumbled.

"Your blood pressures up."

"Did you take it while I wasn't looking?":

"Your ears are red."

"Donna."

"I'm just saying, maybe Sam should call Toby next time Davis throws a temper tantrum." She shook her head back and forth a few times, scooting out of the way as Noah slipped past her.

"Hey. I said no barn with out an adult." Lyman told his son.

"Joanie went to get Ana." He told him squeezing behind his father and into the house.

"I'm sure when Ana agreed to stay on as security she had Barn duty in mind." Josh grumbled.

"She loves it." Donna sighed, rubbing the small of her back.

"Maybe we should take your blood pressure." Josh retorted, pressing his fingers wide before setting them on her stomach. "I'm gonna have Mrs. B do that when she gets here."

"You better start calling her Abby."

"I'll call her the Divine Mistress of DC as long as she stays."

"She said she would Josh."

"I know."

"You still have concerns?"

"Donna."

"Josh we were in DC the first time and we didn't make it to GW."

"I know."

"Abby'll be here. It's not that big of a deal."

"Will you stop saying that.?" He tossed his head back..

"It's not."

"It's two. You're having two this time. That makes it a big deal."

"Which is why Abby's coming."

"Donna can we skip this argument? We already had it. I lost. You won."

"We compromised." She reminded.

"Sure." He sighed.

"Josh.." She was pouting now.

"Sure." He said more seriously now, watching his fingers splay further apart against the babies. "I just worry."

"I know." She whispered sweetly, laying her hand on top of his. "It's going to be alright."

* * *

So I lie here on the couch  
With my heart hanging out  
Frozen solid with fear  
Like a rock in the ground

* * *

(Between 'how we got here' and 'getting back there'.)

"What do you want me to say?" Lyman rubbed his head.

"Why is it so hard for you to admit that it-?" She narrowed her gaze at him.

"God Donna don't tell me it was for the best. Not one more time." He let his hand drop dramatically away from his face.

"Josh I wouldn't have ever made it this far in my career-."

"You left me!" His tone made her jump, she shot her eyes to him and he looked away. "You left. On a Monday, standing in the middle of the bullpen-." Her heart lurched when his voice broke.

"Josh."

"You just turned and walked away. No explanation.. No… "

"I tried to talk Josh you kept-."

"Yeah. I cancelled lunches and I'm sorry about that Donna, but there were other times…" He said hotly not sounding at all sorry about the lunches. On other days during other apologies he had, but not today. "You left me."

"Don't make this-."

"All that time, you spent.. " He swallowed hard. "All that time you spent after Roslyn, praying for health and strength.." He met her eyes, she closed hers when she saw the emotion in his. "I heard you Donna.. "

"Josh."

"Please Josh Please Don't Leave Me." He choked the words out of his tightening throat and threw them at her. "Over and over for hours.."

"You…"

"I heard you." He whispered. "I heard you. I didn't leave you.." She opened her eyes and met his. "You left me."

* * *

_But you move me  
You give me courage I didn't  
know I had  
You move me on  
I can't go with you  
And stay where I am  
So you move me on

* * *

_

(Present)

"What's the issue with Noah and the barn?"

"He's obsessed with it. He can't hardly stay away. He's probably curled up in the hay loft right now." Donna laughed into the phone.

"There's a hay loft?"

"You've seen the barn, Aines." Donna rolls her eyes. "It's a barn it has a hay loft."

"It's weird."

"You're telling me. He's obsessed with the barn and Josh is obsessed with the idea that he's going to fall to his death.."

"Won't the hay break his fall?" The first lady snorted. Donna couldn't help but laugh. _"You live somewhere with a hay loft."_

The first lady snorted. Donna couldn't help but laugh. 

"Yes."

"Miss it?"

"Yes."

"Come back and rescue me from the wrath of the Washington Post?"

"No."

"Abby's coming tomorrow?"

"I'm thirty four weeks, I told her she could wait two more weeks but she was pretty insistent."

"Because you're a gumball machine."

"Excuse me?"

"Abby told CJ-." Ainsley stopped talking for a second_. " Never mind."_

Ainsley stopped talking for a second 

"No no no.. continue." Donna coaxed.

* * *

_  
_  
_This is how love was to me  
I could look and not see  
Going through the emotions  
Not knowin' what they mean

* * *

_

(Present.)

"You try having a baby in the back seat of a town car with Sam looking at your vagina!" CJ pulled the phone away from her ear and looked at it.

"No thank you?" She offered into the receiver in her usual flat tone..

"_Gumball Machine my ass_.." Donna continued. "_Johanna weighed nine and a half pounds CJ." _

"I think I knew that. Didn't you send out little cards with pink foot prints and the appropriate information?" CJ listened to Donna snort. "I didn't say it."

"No, you just repeated it to Ainsley!"

"You're getting nervous." CJ decided, listening to Donna sigh on the other end of the phone.

"Josh is getting nervous. I'm just getting tired of being a sea cow."

"Been there."

"How are the girls?"

"Adjusting."

"And Danny?"

"He's not adjusting too well to his wife being his boss.." CJ shuffled through the papers on her desk before pulling out the right one. "Hang on Donna. RYAN! Call Hidermen's office for me and cancel my three o'clock." She watched her assistant wander off.

"I can't believe you kept him."

"He's a good kid."

"CJ he's thirty four."

"Yes."

"He was Josh's intern."

"Yes and you trained him therefore he's amazingly over qualified. Can we get back to my marriage?"

"Sure."

"How do you guys do it? Is it just because you're Josh and Donna and too hopelessly in love to ever fight?"

"Yeah.. That must be it."

* * *

_And it scared me so much  
That I just wouldn't budge  
I might have stayed there forever  
If not for your touch

* * *

_

(Still between HWGH and GBT)

"Can I come in?"

"It's your bedroom too, Joshua."

"I played dirty." He whispered laying beside her on the bed.

"No you didn't." She turned towards him, closing her eyes as his hand dropped onto her hip. "You're right. I left you."

"Still.. You've more than made it up to me and I shouldn't go-."

"You feel what you feel Josh-."

"I love you." He whispered breaking into her rant.. "That's what I feel.."

"I love you."

"I-." He stopped, she could feel his hand tense up above her thigh.

"What?"

"If I lost you.."

"You won't."

"If I lost you Donna.. I wouldn't know.. I couldn't.."

"You'd have to. You'd have to for Noah." She whispered. "But you won't have too.. Because I'm not going anywhere." She moved her body closer to his.

"Donna.." He tried to keep his voice neutral, but her fingers had gone to the back of his head and all conscious thought in his body was quickly rushing south.

"The doctor said it was okay. He said we could start trying again in ten weeks.. It's been twelve Josh. It's okay." She pressed her mouth to his collar bone and he muffled a groan. "It's okay."

"Are you sure?"

"We can use something if you want." She whispered pulling back from him to look in his eyes. "We don't need to try and get pregnant tonight if you're not ready-."

He cut her off with his lips, pushing the words away until there was nothing but a soft whimper.

* * *

Oh but you move me  
Out of myself and into the fire  
You move me  
Now I'm burning with love  
And with hope and desire  
How you move me

* * *

**(Present)**

"I could have Marine one parked on your lawn."

"I'm sure the tax payers would love that one." Josh laughed. "_CJ'd kill you_."

Josh laughed. "." 

"I could take her."

"Please."

"I can she's getting soft. It's motherhood."

"How's fatherhood?"

"Amazingly simple from the Oval Office. You'd think it would be awful"

"It is what you make it." Josh whispered.

"Seriously Josh she's going to be fine. They're all going to be fine." Sam nodded at the new group of Secret Service agents as he made his way into the residence. "The doctor would have checked her into the hospital if he thought she was at risk."

"That's what Abby said."

"Believe her." Sam winked at his wife. She smiled and looked back down at her book.

"Yeah." He took a deep breath. _"So, Danny and CJ are at it again huh?"_

He took a deep breath. 

"I think Toby's licking his chops."

"Sure when you say it it's funny when I say it Donna punishes me." Josh snickered.

"I'm kidding. You weren't."

"We'll see who gets the last laugh." Lyman snickered.

"Okay." Sam looked back at Ainsley she closed the book, looking at her watch before giving him a knowing expression. "I gotta go. My wife wants her ten allotted minutes of conversation for the day."

"My advice? If you've got ten minutes? Don't waste it talking." Josh laughed.

"Duly noted." Sam muttered into the phone.

"Good night Josh." The First Lady called.

"_Night Ainse_." Josh laughed.

"Say Goodnight, Mr. President." Ainsley instructed taking his tie and moving him towards the bedroom.

"Goodnight Mr. President." Sam muttered pressing end on the phone and tossing it onto the couch..

* * *

_You go whistling in the dark  
Making light of it  
Making light of it  
And I follow with my heart  
Laughing all the way

* * *

_

(During Getting back there.)

"I'm just saying…" Josh muttered to his wife.

"No.. You weren't '_just saying_.' You are never '_just saying'_" She exclaimed.

"Are we all saying it now?" Nick asked rolling his eyes at them. "'Cause it was kinda my thing."

"Nick." Ana admonished from her and Donna's side of the elevator.

"What?" He whined.

"We're in agent mode not friend mode." She informed him.

"I wasn't aware we had modes now."

"God you sound just like Josh." Donna complained shaking her head at Ana.

"What? We're in friend mode now?" Ana sneered. "Honestly I can't keep up."

"If you don't know how the hell am I supposed to know?" Casnoff grumbled to her.

"Anyway.. As I was saying.. "

"As you were _just saying_?" Nick muttered.

"Will you shut-." Lyman hissed through clenched teeth before turning back to Donna "There friendship is strange."

"It's really not." Donna laughed.

"It really is." Nick agreed. Josh pointed his thumb at him as if that proved his point.

"Oh, will you shut up?" Donna huffed.

"They are entirely too close." Josh argued.

"Toby and I are close." She pointed out.

"Not that close." Josh shook his head. "He wasn't in the delivery room."

"Sam was."

"Sam's like a brother to me." Josh told her defensively. "It doesn't count. Danny is not close enough to Toby for Danny to feel comfortable with him seeing his wife's…"

"Vagina?" Ana offered. Nick grimaced.

"Nick's seen my Vagina." Donna quipped. Josh grimaced.

"That was an emergency." He shook his head. "Doesn't count."

"So.. Sam doesn't count and Nick doesn't count.. But Toby-?"

"Can't see your vagina." Josh snorted shaking his head back and forth.

"But they're different. He's her best friend Josh. You were my best friend men and women can be friends."

"We weren't just friends." Josh smirked.

"Were we having sex I didn't know about?"

"I was desperately trying to avoid my deep desire to see your vagina."

"I'd have shown it to you anytime, Boss."

"So.. Are we like back in invisible agent mode now?" Nick whispered to Ana. She nodded her head.

"Let me put it to you in another way that doesn't involve body parts." Josh sighed. "If you and I had a fight., would you run to Sam?"

Donna scrunched her mouth to one side and Josh knew he'd won.

"No."

"_I'm just saying_.."

* * *

Oh 'cause you move me  
You get me dancing and you  
make me sing  
You move me

* * *

(During GBT)

"He's going to sing?" Sam said flatly.

"Of course he is." CJ laughed.

"He's going to sing because you asked him too?" Seaborn shook his head.

"That and the fact that he's had over ten beers? Yes."

"CJ honestly Toby's going to-?"

"Sam shut up." Josh moaned from across the table. "He's going to sing."

"Only for you." Toby smirks somewhat smoothly, eyeing CJ as he grabs the microphone from Karaoke Rick.

"_Ground Control to Major Tom_.."

"Holy Hell.." Josh muttered as CJ let out a shrilly laugh. Sam looked horrified. Toby sang quietly in a low baritone voice before belting out into a convincing tenor.

"THIS IS MAJOR TOM TO GROUND CONTROL.. I'M STEPPING THROUGH THE DOOR.. AND THE STARS LOOK VERY DIFFERENT YOU KNOW…"

Josh had that look of total disbelief on his face when Sam peels his eyes away from the scene and glanced at him.

"_Only you_." Toby mutters in the chorus. Josh rubbed his eye with the pads of his fingers.

"Christ." Lyman muttered shaking his head slowly before breaking out with a chuckle.

"Can you hear me major Tom?" CJ called out, lifting her arms up for Josh and Sam to follow her.

"Can you hear me major Tom?" Josh decided, holding up his soda, and gesturing to Sam.

"Can you hear me major Tom?" Sam joined in somewhat reluctantly. Toby looked pleased. CJ looked giddy.

Only you. Toby mouthed to her one more time.

Josh Lyman watched them, thankfully praising the Gods that Donna never met anyone like Danny Concannon..

* * *

Now I'm taking delight  
In every little thing  
How you move me


	18. Drops of Jupiter

**A/N: Okay I have to say this.. I wasn't going to watch studio 60.. I was traumatized.. Honestly. It was way too soon. But then I saw this full page add, with Bradley and he had that Josh grin on… the one I love.. It was like Josh was saying _please.. Please just give it a chance.._ So begrudgingly for the love of Josh Lyman and because the Donna in me could not tell him no.. I watched it.. Wanting to hate it.. **

**It's fucking awesome.. So if anyone was avoiding it..  
Shit. Brad's hot.. Matt Perry kicks ass and Tim Busfield is more Elliot then Danny..  
I loved it. Watch it.. Watch it for Josh.. I see great Cameo appearance possibilities for Janelle eventually.. She could play his wicked ex wife.. **

**I would be awesome.. **

**So watch it.. Anyway.. Back to my fic.. **

**Sorry.. **

**

* * *

**

**Drops of Jupiter **

**

* * *

**

Now that she's back in the atmosphere  
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey  
She acts like summer and walks like rain  
Reminds me that there's time to change, hey, hey

**

* * *

**

**(Present)**

"Houston we have a problem." Toby muttered stepping away from the door with a sigh.

"You know, that's not even funny?" CJ's agent did a sweep of his apartment, nodding to his partner who dutifully extended Abbey Jane's car seat to him. Toby took it with a nod.

"Yes it is." He sighed, putting the baby on the kitchen table and collecting Taylor from her mother before laying her on the couch. "Irony is funny."

"I should have gone to the East Wing." She moaned.

"But you didn't." He clicked his cheek, walking to the closet and pulling out extra sheets and pillows.

"I didn't'." She sat on a stool in his kitchen and put her palms on her face as he moved into the hall..

"What happened?" He called softly wandering back into the room.

"I'm a bad wife." She muttered.

"This isn't' an event." He swung Taylor back into his arms and carried her to Huck's empty room..

"I should have gone to Charlie and Zoey's." She growled after him.

"But you didn't." He sighed, smiling at Abby Jane before carrying her, car seat and all, down the hall to Molly's..

"Yeah why is that?" She shook his head slowly, he pulled her up from the chair and led her to the couch before pouring the wine.

"Do you really want me to answer that question?"

"No." She sighed, taking the wine from him.

* * *

_Since the return from her stay on the moon  
She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey

* * *

_

**(Present)**

"I just hope you like it." Donna whispered.

"I told you I didn't' want to see one stick of my furniture Donna." Abby laughed waving her arm at the people carrying in her massive amounts of luggage.

"I know." She bit her lip. "But it was your home."

"And I gave it to you. Now it's your home." Donna opened the door slowly. Abby smiled wistfully before grinning sweetly at Donna. "It's lovely." The younger woman's relief was evident. "Where do you want the mobile hospital?"

She gestured to the court of people behind her.

"Josh is going to kiss you." Donna whispered, pointing the crowd down the hall..

"Good where is he? I'm a lonely widow woman." Abby snickered.

"He had PT before he needed to pick the kids up from school."

"Don't you love Providence Hill?"

"It's a great school."

"All three of our girls went there." She sunk down onto the couch. "How's Josh?"

"Remarkable." Donna breathed. "I thought this would be hard for him but he's just, relaxed."

"Not haunted by the ghosts of the West Wing?"

"No. Just freaked out about the prospect of having the babies at home."

"Are you?" Abby raised an eyebrow at her.

"Not with you here." She smiled

"Good."

* * *

Tell me did you sail across the sun?  
Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded? And that heaven is overrated?

**

* * *

**

**(Post ITSOTG)**

"Is there anything he didn't tell me?" Donna whispered quietly.

"What?" Abby looked up from where she sat. "What do you mean Dear?"

"I mean.. I just take him home now." She breathed. "He's still so.." She glanced back at her notes. "He didn't give me a whole lot of.." She pushed her hair back from her face. "What if he dies."

"Donna, he's not going to die."

"They said he could have complications. Blood clots and-."

"They have to tell you that. They wouldn't release him to you if they didn't think you could take care of him."

"What if I can't?" Her voice was soft, Abby moved closer to her.

"You could get a nurse." She soothed.

"He wouldn't let her touch anything. He won't let them touch anything now. He won't even let his mom."

"He wants you." Abby put her hand on top of Donna's. "He trusts you." Her lips twitched into a smile. _He loves you_. Abby added in her head. "He's not going to die. That parts over Donna."

She nodded slowly, wiping her eyes with her free hand.

"It's just.."

"You've been so focused on him.-?" Donna nodded, Abby squeezed her hand. "You can call. Night or day. I'll be there."

"Good." Donna whispered sniffing once more before spotting Josh returning from physical therapy. She wiped her palm across her face and plastered on her best smile. "How was it?"

"Despite his best efforts to kill me?" He chucked his thumb accusingly at his therapist. "I kicked ass."

"He did." The man affirmed.

"Then why do you look like you got your ass kicked?" She smirked.

"Florence Nightingale she is not." Josh muttered giving her a tight lipped smile. She stuck out her arms and helped him into bed. "God that sucks."

"The Doctor said it will, the getting in and out part, for a while. That's why he wants you in bed at home." She glanced at him.

"Hone?" He whispered, she nodded her head. "I can go home?"

She grinned at him nodding again. He studied her for a minute.

"What if I die?"

"I won't let you die Josh." She said with convincing confidence and a roll of her eyes. Abby winked at her from across the room. "Are you still nervous?"

"Not with you there."

"Good.".

* * *

_Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star?  
One without a permanent scar?  
And did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out there?

* * *

_

**(Present)**

"Kate what do I owe the honor?" Danny Concannon looked at his former coworker with mock interest.

"Is it true?" She whispered, moving into the room. "Because Denise said she has two sources and I have to tell you Danny, my phone's been ringing off the hook."

The Communications Director stood up, furrowing his eyebrows and scanning today's briefing memo.

"Honestly Kate I know I use this line a lot for distraction purposes.. But seriously? I got nothing."

"Oh God Danny I'm sorry." She closed her eyes for a second. "I-. God no one should find out this way.."

"What the hell's up Kate?"

"Denise Mitchum has something about CJ… and another… another White House employee... that's not you." The woman looked up at him slowly. Concannon was shaking his head, with the mildest look of amused bewilderment.

"It's not true." He snorted.

"It's common knowledge you guys have been having problems." Concannon rolled his eyes and started towards the door.

"I've heard enough."

"Danny the press is on your side! Everyone knows that CJ's.-."

"Hey.. Hey." He put up his hand to block out her words, slipping past her and out the door..

"There's a rumor it's the President." Danny's mouth hung open for a minute before he started back towards the pressroom, breaking into a run as flashes of Monica Lewinski entered his head.

They think my wife's-? And I'm worried about the President? He thought to himself as he made it to the door.

**"Carol! Carol! Carol!"**

"Calm down Children. Raise your hands and I'll call your name." The press secretary admonished, straightening her papers "Denise."

The floor grew quiet. Kate slipped into the room and took her spot.

"Is it true that President Seaborn is engaged in an inappropriate relationship with CJ Cregg?"

Carol's eyebrows shot up, her mouth falling open.

"Are you serious?" She asked condescendingly.

"My sources say that Ms. Cregg and the children have moved out of the house that she shares with her husband and are staying in the East Wing, which incidentally, the First Lady has also been absent from."

"The First Lady is on her way from a diplomatic obligation to New Hampshire to wait for the arrival of the Lyman twins along with Dr. Bartlett." Carol countered weakly, glancing over towards Danny who was standing in the doorway, drawing his hand across his throat in a cutting motion. "Which is all just a bonus for you because the administration does not comment on the personal lives of it's-."

"Oh Come on Carol! What is this the days of Bartlett's best kept secrets?" Dan Hutchenson shouted at her.

"Okay.. That's enough." She muttered collecting her things and walking away from the podium.

* * *

_Now that she's back from that soul vacation  
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey  
She checks out Mozart while she does tae-bo  
Reminds me that there's time to grow, hey, hey**

* * *

**_

**(During Getting Back There, post Josh's WVWP speech)**

"Come on Annabeth. You have got to give me something."

"I don't have much to give Kate." The little blond shook her head.

"Something on the weekend even?" She pleaded cutting the press secretary off before she reached her office. "For an old friend of this administration and the previous?"

"He's got Dateline this weekend. Next week he's in New York for the Daily Show and then he's back here for Chris Mathews." Annabeth read off of her calendar.

"So he's got plenty of time for me."

"He's also got the matter of being Chief of Staff to the President to worry about and Donna's due any day." She grinned at her. "It ain't gonna happen Cup Cake. I can get you a quote. Possible a thing with Charlie.. Maybe Zoey too.."

"I need Josh."

"Josh Lyman's the hottest interview in town Kate. He's the new American Hero. He's JFK, MLK and Michael Moore all in one."

"He's a adulterous black man who's slowly going publically insane?" Kate grinned. "Can that be my quote?"

"Hey Kate:" Sam called looking up from his folder.

"She has no use for you. She wants Josh." Annabeth warned

"Yeah?"

"Sam Sammy Samuel.. Please?"

"For an old friend of Danny's? I'll see what I can do." Kate hugged him. Annabeth rolled her eyes.

"You're the best Sam.. Honestly the best."

"Remember that when I'm President and they want you to write some crap about me."

"You can count on it."

* * *

_Now that she's back in the atmosphere  
I'm afraid that she might think of me as plain old Jane  
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land __

* * *

_

**(Present)**

"There's trouble." Josh called to his wife wheeling himself in the door. "Stay out of the barn!" He yelled at the kids.

"What?" Donna called back.

"CJ.. some kind of sex thing.. they've got her in bed with Sam.**" **

"Oh for Christ Sake!" Abbey yelled. Josh made his way into the room beeming at her.

"I am so glad to see you." He breathed.

"Donna promised me kissing." She told him starting to get up. He gestured her back down and used her husband's cane to propell himself from the chair, leaning in to kiss her cheek.

"Watch it or we'll be sleeping together by Good Morning. Washington" He smirked easing himself down on the couch next to his wife wincing just a little.

"Sore?" Donna aksed, softly stroking her hands up and down his back. He nodded, looking at her over his shoulder. "Carol got ambushed Im sure."

"She walked out on them. They made some comment about the Bartlett administration secrets.."

"Of course." Abby shook her head. "When in doubt pull out the big fat liar card."

Josh grinned at her.

"Did I mention I'm glad your here?" He asked sweetly.

"Yes Joshua."

"So what are they doing?" Donna asked leaning in and kissing Josh's shoulder before she started rubbing again.

"I have no actual idea.. but I have a pretty good hunch." Abby raised an eyebrow at him. "Sam's freaking aobut the media nightmare.. but he's too full of guilt over CJ's marital problems to really focus. Toby's brooding. Danny's probably held up in their apartment and CJ's burring herself in work." He leaned back into Donna's fingers. "Everyone else is busy updating their resume."

**

* * *

**

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet?  
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day?  
And head back to the milky way..

**

* * *

**

**(Present)**

"Shouldn't you be at work?" Toby muttered opening the door for Danny.

"I'm at lunch." The other man said stiffly. "Tell me why I shouldn't kill you right now."

"Danny.." Toby dropped his head back and ran his hand over his face.

"No seriously Toby, give me one reason not to." He moved into the room, picking up his daughters Pajamas and one of CJ's tennis shoe and tossing them both on the couch.

"Nothing happened." He looked away. "She and the kids showed up late Tuesday night and I let them in. Nothing Happened."

"Nothing.." Danny snorted shaking his head. "How am I supposed to believe you?" Toby watched him.

"Believe in your wife Danny." He told Concannon flatly.

"Yes because we know that my wife would never do anything to disrupt the sanctity of a marriage!" The other man yelled accusingly. "Now would she Toby?"

"Don't.. "

"Or what?" The current Communications Director shook his head at the former. "You'll have to defend her honor?"

"You've already said things you'll regret." He whispered.

"Right! Mild mannered report Danny Concannon can't possibly be fucking furious that his wife is probably sleeping with her former lover who incidentally, though not married anymore, was at the time of their last little escapade."

"Danny.,"

"Or did you never stop? Is that it? You two have been together all along? That's why you followed us to California and then back to DC right?'

"Danny.."

"Screw you Toby." Danny walked back into the bedrooms, returning with the children's bags. "If she wants you fine, but you don't get my kids." He blew past Toby and out the door, slamming it hard.**

* * *

**

And tell me, did Venus blow your mind?  
Was it everything you wanted to find?  
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

* * *

**(Santos' first Campaign)**

"So apparently she and Danny are back on." Donna told Josh conspicuously over their now ritualistic salad lunch.

"Good for her." He said optimistically, lifting his eyelids."

"What?"

"What, what?"

"You have a thing."

"No."

"Josh I know you. . I know when you have a thing."

"You're rusty."

"I'm not rusty and now your avoiding the question."

"You've been off duty for months now you have to be rusty."

"Josh!"

"It's only natural that it would take you a little while to get back in tune with-."

"Joshua Lyman I am not rusty! Now what's your deal with CJ and Danny?"

"I guess I thought she'd end up with someone else."

"Leo?" She guessed with fake curosity.

"Are you insane?" He repeated mocking her curious tone.

"Who?"

"You know who."

"If I knew I wouldn't be asking you to-."

"_Rusty_."

"Stop it."

"You missed me." He chuckled bravely.

"Toby!" She said suddenly.

"I can't see how you'd miss Toby more than me.."

"Joshua.." She pointed a fork full of lettuce at him.

"So.. I said you were rusty not welded shut.." He muttered.

"This analogy sucks." She crunched.

"Yeah. And Yes.. Toby." He watched her chew for a minute before she shook her head.

"No. It was always Danny." Donna filled her fork again.

"Not always." Josh raised one eyebrow at her.

"She didn't know Danny then."

"You have a point there." He watched her hand reach across the table.

"Thank you." She grinned. "And yes."

"Yes?" He eyed her destination with mild amusement.

"I missed you." She told him, grabbing a fry and popped it into her mouth.

* * *

_Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken?  
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong  
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone  
Conversation?  
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me **

* * *

**_

**(Present)**

"So we're having an affair?" The President asked from the doorway of his Chief's office. "Ainsley's going to be pissed."

"I don't know what to say Sir."

"Come on.. Sir's way to formal.. Call me Lover."

"Sam someone's going to hear you."

"Come on CJ.. What the hell?"

"Danny went off on Toby and took the kids home." She whispered.

"Are you sleeping with Toby?" He asked her bluntly.

"Well I'm not sleeping with you so I must be."

"Claudia Jean.."

"No. I'm not sleeping with Toby.." She rubbed her face. "Ask me the other question."

"Are you still in love with Danny?"

"Wrong question." CJ muttered looking up at him before looking at the ceiling.

"Are you?"

"Of course I am!" She pressed her face into her hands.

"Is it the job?" His voice went up at the end in a sing song tone. She rubbed her face before looking back at him. "Then quit. Have Danny quit. Pack up the kids and head back to California.. Or Africa.. Or New Hampshire. Or hell, let Danny stay on and get a job in the private sector. Don't be Leo.. God what is it? Honestly when you become COS do you sign a pledge or something?"

"What would you do?"

"Promote Charlie, steal Will's sister back from him and make her DCOS."

"You've given a lot of thought to replacing me." She smirked at him.

"It's your life CJ."

"You didn't ask." She called as he slipped back into the Oval.

"What?" He pulled his glasses down his nose.

"My other question." She blinked her eyes before fixing her gaze on him.

"So?"

"Did I want to sleep with Toby?" She muttered, he gave her a half smile, closing the door between there offices.

* * *

_Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet?  
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day?  
And head back toward the milky way **

* * *

** _

**(Present)**

"I didn't sleep with Toby." He looked up from the couch, watching her set down her suite case. "Or Sam.. Or anyone.."

"Did you want to?' He asked.

"I don't' know. Maybe." She told him moving into room and sitting on a chair near him.

"Reassuring."

"He loves me." The words tumble out of his mouth.

"I know." Danny leaned closer. "You think I don't?"

"You didn't come after me." Tears slipped out of her eyes and down her cheeks.

"I wanted to see if you'd come back." His voice was raspy and pleading.

"I came back." She squeaked. He knelt in front of her and she pressed her forehead into his. "Sam offered me an out. He said.. " She was almost sobbing now, pressing the words out harder and harder. He pushed his hands into her hair." He said _Don't be Leo_.." She completely broke down then. He pulled her off of the chair and into his arms. "I'm sorry I'm so sorry.."

* * *

And tell me, did Venus blow your mind  
Was it everything you wanted to find?  
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?


	19. Find Out Who Your Friends Are

**A/N: I've wanted to use this song for so long! But the lyrics aren't out yet. So I sat and wrote them out pausing the song every four lines to catch up. If something is wrong- well what's new. Please Enjoy. We're getting close to the end.**

* * *

**Find Out Who Your Friends Are.** _**

* * *

** _

Run your car off the side of the road

stuck in a ditch in the middle of no where

Or get yourself in a fight loose the shirt off your back,

need a floor, need a couch, need a bus pass.

**

* * *

**

**(Present)**

_"What am I supposed to do Josh? Some how I don't think_ **_'I did not have sexual relations with this woman'_** _is going to work out for me."_

Josh Lyman rolled his eyes, watching the way his wife opened her mouth when she applied mascara.

"Ignore Ignore Ignore." He muttered, watching her wince and steady herself against the counter.

"But everybody knows about CJ and Hoynes. A majority of the people know about Toby too in their own sick way. It's been a week, I'm thinking this isn't going to blow over anytime-."

"Hang on." Lyman looked at his wife, pressing his hand over the receiver of the phone. "Are you sure you're all right?"

She nodded.

"Talk to Sam." She told him with a quick smile and returning to the sink.

"I don't know what to tell you."

"We've been tossing things around all over the place up here. Carol said the three of them should do Dateline. Honestly? Is that such a good idea?"

"Well since it's the opposite of what I told you to do? No." Josh sighed. "Ignore it Sam, roll your eyes and smirk at the camera every time your asked the question. Have Ainsley laugh at it. Have CJ toss Kate a few lines about the pressures that being COS has on your marriage. Make sure Danny and Toby do the charity thing together today. But for the love of God don't make a big-." The clatter from the bathroom snapped him out of his brainstorming. His eyes shot back to the sink where Donna was leaning with both hands, the tube of mascara now rolling onto the floor. "Okay.. That's it."

"I'm fine I'm fine.. It's Braxton Hicks."

"I gotta go, Sam. Donna's trying to pretend she's not in labor."

"_Yeah?"_

"I'll call you."

"Do that." He closed the phone and set it on the bed before moving into the bathroom and standing behind her, running his hands down her back.

"Come on. Come lay down."

"Josh.." She whined arching her back so his fingers pressed harder.

"Humor me." He said softly, taking her hand in his leading her back to the bedroom, before brining her a glass of water.

"Thanks" She whispered letting her hand linger on his for a minute. "I'm okay."

"Says the woman with the fifteen minute labors." He accused.

"An hour and ten minutes with Joanie." She protested with a pouty smile.

"And with your son?"

"Since the barn thing he's been my son. I see how you work."

"Avoidance.."

"From first contraction to delivery?"

"Please.. Share with the class Donnatella."

"Thirty-five minutes." She rolled her eyes back. "I'm-." The sharp intake of breath startled him almost as much as the way her hand darted out and grasped his forearm. He unfroze quickly, rubbing his thumb down her back and working her hand into his other one.

"You want to breath through it?" He asked calmly. She nodded and he watched her take a few familiar breaths before stilling, her eyes drifted shut. "I'm gonna get Abby."

_**

* * *

** _

This is where the rubber meets the road

This is where the cream is gonna rise

This is what you really didn't know

This is where the truths don't lie

**

* * *

**

**(Present)**

"I understand, Sir." CJ balanced Abby on her hip and handed Danny the box of cereal. He took it from her, still balancing the phone between his ear and shoulder. "Yes Sir. Do you need CJ back? Okay. Thank you Mr. President.""Sam tell you Josh says Donna's having the twins." CJ told Danny as he hung up and poured Taylor's cereal.

"Like right now?"

"Like an hour ago. Knowing Donna? She's probably already done." The COS lifted her eye brows and shook her head at her husband. "So.. Your day.."

"My day.." He mimicked before appraising her with a crooked grin. "Is going to be fine. I'm going to a casual charity auction and luncheon with an old friend. Whom I have forgiven for his.." He looked at Taylor who was smacking her Cheerio's loudly. "_Admiration_.. Of my lovely and very admirable wife." He leaned over the table and kissed her cheek.

"It's really not his fault." She said saucily smirking at Danny. "I'm dangerously.." She looked down at Taylor. "Admirable."

"You are." He looked at the clock on the wall before taking Abby Jane from CJ's hip. "Your also dangerously behind schedule. I'll see you at Sr. Staff"

_

* * *

You find out who your friends are _

Some body's gonna drop everything,

run out and crank up there car

Hit the gas get there fast,

never stop and think what's in it for me,

or it's way too far.

**

* * *

**

**(In Germany)**

He sat there for a long time, without moving, watching her sleep, watching the rise and fall of her chest methodically. He exhaled slightly each time she inhaled, like it was a quiet victory.

Donna's mother had thrown her arms haphazardly around him when she arrived. Glancing at Collin as they pulled apart before she smoothed out Josh's suit in Donna like fashion and took his hands in hers.

"It's going to be okay Honey." She had told him, his head bobbing down to his chest as he sniffed back what could have become sobs if he had let them. He'd needed someone to tell him that since he'd heard about the bombing. Donna's mother ruffled her hands through his hair before moving towards her daughter and kissing her forehead. Collin had glanced up at Josh, more proof for his theory. More ammunition against Josh's cowardice. Josh turned back to Donna and her mom.

"They said.. They said there could be brain damage." Josh choked out.

"Oh Honey they said the same thing about you." She soothed, brushing Donna's hair from her face.

"They did?" He squeaked. "She never told me.."

"She called in hysterics, it scared her to death. It took detailed data analysis from the First Lady to calm her down." She smiled at her daughter before turning back to Josh. "I guess it's your turn now."

He took a deep breath now, Collin had taken Donna's mother down to the cafeteria. He didn't want to leave her and it showed. Mrs. Moss had patted his hand softly.

"Stay with my girl Joshua?"

His lips twitched into a grin now. He leaned towards her, putting himself a breath away from her ear.

"It's my turn now. I'm here to stay Donna I promise. Please Donnatella.. Please don't leave me…"

_

* * *

They just show on up, _

with a big old heart.

You find out who your friends are.

**

* * *

**

**(Present)**

"I want to push."

"It's too soon honey." Abby told her.

"No no no.. I have to-."

"Your body's not ready." The former First Lady insisted.

"We could have driven to County four times by now!" Donna growled. "We could have driven to GW by now.. Ahh! Damn it I want to-!"

"No pushing!" Mrs. Bartlett snapped. "Josh don't let her push."

"Josh!" Donna pressed her head back against her husbands chest and moaned.

"What was my rule, Baby?" He whispered spooning tighter against her. "You gave me one rule."

"Listen to Abby." She cried tightening her hold on his arms.

"Listen to Abby." He breathed kissing her hair.

"I know it's taking longer than your used to Donna but your still progressing very quickly. Your almost there." She pointed at the transport monitors behind her. "This is Baby A, very strong heart beat. Baby B.." She touched another monitor. "Beautiful. And you're fine, Honey. Your fine."

"You jinxed me."

"What?" The former First Lady laughed.

"With your damn Gumball Machine comment! Oh God.. Josh I can't keep doing this!"

"Breath with me, Baby." Josh whispered in her ear.

_

* * *

Everybody wants to slap your back _

wants to shake your hand

when your up on top of that mountain.

But let one of those rocks get wet and you slide back down

look up and see who's around there.

**

* * *

**

**(Post Run Away Train.)**

"Mrs. Lyman let me get you a cot." The nurse stood over her.

"No.. I'm fine here." Donna whispered from her bedside chair, rubbing her thumb up and down Josh's fingers. She looked up for a second when Sam walked through the door.

"The kids are with The First Lady in the East Wing." He whispered. "How's he been?"

"He's.. Go home Sam. One of us needs to get some sleep in case-."

"Donna?"

"If they have to do something to him, surgery or life support or something. One of us should have had a decent night's sleep." She never took her eyes from Josh's. "They talked about having to open his skull.." Her voice trailed off and she pressed her forehead against the edge of the bed. "His skull Sam."

Seaborn stood up and rubbed his palm across her back.

"You sure you don't want me to stay?"

"Go home."

"I could call someone back up here."

"No they need to be getting ready for the debate."

"I'm canceling it." He told her again.

"No your not." She repeated.

"Donna I'm-. Can we not do this now?" He looked at Josh. "I don't want to leave you alone."

"I have Ana." She muttered softly. Sam froze. "Sam really I'm fine."

Seaborn dropped to a squat in front of her.

"Donna, Ana's not here. Agent Hansen is outside the-."

"I want Ana." She shook her head when she spoke. Seaborn's eyes scrunched up in confusion.

"Donna how much of today do you remember?" She blinked at him blankly. "Donna.. Nick was shot too."

Her eyes went wide and he knew she hadn't noticed at all.

"Is he here? Is he.." She stood up sharply. Sam put his hands on her shoulders and eased her back into the chair.

"Donna.. Nick died at the scene." He watched the words register in her eyes before she glanced back at Josh. "They couldn't do anything for him."

"Where is she?" She asked jumping back up and moving towards the door before Sam could stop her. "Where's Ana?" She asked the Agent at the door.

"Ma'am?"

"Agent Casnoff! Agent Ana Casn-."

"Donna.." Sam strained to look beyond Donna at the woman in the chairs behind her. He he'd noticed someone there when he walked by but it hadn't registered that it was her.

"Oh my God." Donna whispered throwing her arms around the other woman before pulling her into the room. "What were you doing out there?" She asked softly, before casting a worried glance back at Josh.

"I didn't know where else to be." Sam had never seen Ana Casnoff look anything but like an agent, but standing here now, in oversized White House sweats with wet stringy hair she looked like a child.

_**

* * *

** _

This ain't where the road comes to and end

this ain't where the band wagon stops.

This is just one of those times when, a lot of folks jump off.

**

* * *

**

**(Present)**

"Hey." Danny unbuttoned the top of his suit coat and slipped into the chair beside Toby.

"Danny." Toby said blankly.

"You should smile at me or something. This is a PR thing."

"If I smile they'll know something's up." Toby reported.

"True." He blinked at him. "So.. I owe you an apology."

"No you don't."

"You didn't sleep with my wife." Danny gave him one of his famous _"Oops" _grins.

"But I wanted too." Toby told him raising his blank face back up to Danny.

"You've always wanted to." Danny commented, raising his eyebrows up optimistically.

"Yes."

"But you didn't" Danny reminded him. Toby lifted his glass to his lips, tipping it slightly at Concannon as he did. "Don't you think that Sam's always secretly maybe wanted a piece of Donna?"

Toby choked, droplets of water shooting out of his mouth. Danny was laughing now, he handed Ziegler a napkin while he was adjusting his tie.

"We are a weird little family Toby." Danny continued as the other man got himself under control. "But we're family just the same."

_

* * *

You find out who your friends are. _

Some body's gonna drop everything,

run out and crank up there car

Hit the gas get there fast,

never stop and think what's in it for me,

or it's way too far.

* * *

You find out who your friends are. 

**(Present)**

"I can't!" Donna screamed. Josh let his head hit against the headboard of the down stairs guest room before shooting Abby a anguished look.

"Yes you can. One more."

"No.. I.. Uhhh!"

"Now Donna! Push!" Abby ordered, eyeing the monitor. "Ainsley.."

The other woman moved from the side of the bed quickly.

"Heads out." Josh whispered softly to his wife. "Here she is."

"Here take her." Abby whispered to Ainsley as she quickly clamped the cord. Glancing up as the other monitor started firing. Her finger jetted out and turned it off.

"What's happening?" Josh asked quickly. Dr Bartlett thrust an oxygen mask at him.

"Put this on her face." She told him turning around quickly. Ainsley already had the paramedic's assessing the baby. "We need to be ready to go. Donna I need you to push. Now."

"Abby?" Josh's tone was frantic now.

"No, no no please.." Donna begged her voice muffled from the mask as she turned her face into Josh's arm. He readjusted the oxygen before quickly looking up at Dr. Bartlett.

"Now." She told him firmly.

_**

* * *

** _

They just show on up,

with a big old heart.

You find out who your friends are

**

* * *

**

**(Present**)

"_Sam_." Josh sounded exhausted.

"Do we have babies?" The President asked optimistically turning towards CJ.

"_We're on our way to County_."

"What's wrong?" CJ put down her file and walked across the room to him.

"_He.. He wasn't breathing…"_

"The baby?"

"_Sam_.."

"What does Abby say?"

"_She.. They're.. using the little air ball thing on him now_.."

"They're bagging him?" Sam asked loudly.

CJ's face went blank.

"Is that what they call it?"

"Is Donna all right?"

"_They sedated her. She's out cold_."

"Have them sedate you."

"_Abby wants me to.. She needs me to… um.. to make.. decisions_."

"Josh everything's going to be fine."

"_Sam.. I.. We're in an ambulance_." It was only then that Seaborn could hear the faint sound that had haunted his best friends nightmares for years.

"Did you tell them to turn it off?"

"_They have to get there fast_." He heard Lyman take a staggered breath. He looked at CJ mouthing the word _Andrews_. She flew out the door.

"Ryan! Tell them we need the plane ready. We're leaving for New Hampshire. Get my husband on the phone please."

"I can't.. I can't do this.."

"Yes you can." Sam said forcefully.

_**

* * *

** _

When the waters high

when the weather's not so fair

When the well runs dry..

Whose gonna be there?

**

* * *

**

**(at the end of GBT)**

"We're a little busy today Johanna." Donna said emphatically looking down at her stomach. "You think maybe you could have waited for-" She grit her teeth and slammed her eyes shut. "Okay Okay no waiting."

She squeezed Josh's hand. Nick watched him curiously.

"Breath with me." She ordered. He shook his head for a second before taking a deep breath coughing a little at the end of it. "Josh?"

He wiped the palm of his free hand over his face and looked at her blankly.

"Sir?" Nick asked cautiously. Josh closed his eyes, bringing Donna's hand to his mouth and pressing against it. She felt his cheek for a second before looking up at nothing.

"Turn it off." She muttered distractedly.

"Ma'am?" Nick looked at Ana helplessly.

"The siren! The siren! Tell them to turn it off!" She said more frantically. Ana leaned towards the cab of the ambulance. The siren clicked off abruptly. "It's okay.." She whispered to her husband. "Breath slowly Sweetheart."

"That's my line." He smirked, pressing his lips to her forehead.

"Josh?" He met her eyes. "I need you with me."

"I'm here." He told her softly, kissing her forehead again.

_**

* * *

** _

You find out who your friends are.

Some body's gonna drop everything,

Run out and crank up there car

Hit the gas, get there fast,

never stop and think what's in it for me,

Or it's way too far.

**

* * *

**

**(Present)**

Josh looked up as the Secret Service plowed through the hallways before ducking inside Donna's room.

"Sir."

"Hi guys." He gave them a half hearted wave as CJ ducked into the room.

"Josh?" She dropped her brief case and hurried over to him. He looked down at the baby in his arms.

"Annalise Claudia Lyman, meet your aunt CJ." The Chief of Staff took her namesake from her predecessor. Kissing her little pink forehead before shooting a glance at Donna.

"She's okay?" She whispered.

"She's exhausted. And pissed as hell at you."

"The gumball machine comment did not cause a seven hour labor." CJ snorted as Sam hurried into the room.

"Hey." He looked from Donna to the Baby to Josh.

"Hey." Josh said back.

"How's Nicholas?"

"He seems fine." Josh scrubbed his hand over his head. "They took him to the Special Baby Sick Room or what ever."

"Special care nursery." Abby corrected moving into the room. "Where he is recovering nicely from his ordeal under the watchful eye of his Namesake's wife."

"Ana's still down there?" Josh sighed.

"She's guarding him like a pit bull." Abby grinned. "Now Mr. President?"

"Ma'am?" Abby shook her head slightly rolling her eyes at his formality.

"Call me Abby."

"Call me Sam."

"Touché" She quipped. "Now take Josh home."

Lyman looked up in alarm.

"She's out for the night Josh." Abby told him softly. "You need to go home, take a pill and go to bed."

"I have to be here for-."

"Nicholas is fine. Ana's got him covered and I'm going back down there."

"I'll stay with AJ" CJ whispered slowly kissing the top of the baby's head again. "And Donna."

"Solved." Abby said brightly. "You need to get out of here Josh. A hospital's not the right place for you right now."

He nodded at her before looking at Sam. Seaborn raised an eyebrow. Josh shook his head before nudging the baby's fingers apart with his own until she was grasping his pinky. He dropped down and kissed her cheek.

"Daddy's going to go see your little brother. Then I'm going to go home to your big brother and sister. I'll see you tomorrow." He pushed himself up, unsteadily. Sam grabbed his arm quickly helping him make his way to Donna. She didn't stir when he kissed her lips.

_

* * *

They just show on up, _

With a big old heart.

You find out who your friends are

* * *

**(Present)**

"_So he's okay_?" Toby asked softly.

"No, not even close it was a full blown episode. Ainsley had to call Dr. Bartlett back to sedate him." Sam blew air out from between his lips. "He hasn't had on since the shooting. I think he thought he was in the clear."

"_Stanley wasn't so sure about that though_." He reminded him.

"Stanley is a smart man." The President sniffed.

_"The babies are all right?"_

"Both of them are fine. They're just watching Nicholas closely. Abby's going to bring him home on a monitor day after tomorrow if everything goes okay."

_"Good."_

"How did it go? With Danny?" He asked softly.

_"It went fine."_ Toby sneered.

"So.."

"_He apologized to me. If that's not ass backwards_."

"He knew how you felt about CJ before he married her. He was on the Bus during Bartlett for America."

"_Yeah."_ He sighed. _"You know I think I liked it better when this was something no one talked about_."

"Yeah."

"_Tell Josh congratulations for me_."

"Will do." He sighed hard. "Ainsley and I will be back tomorrow. I think CJ's going to stay for a while."

"_Danny said he's coming up there_."

"Good."

"_You guys do still work over there at the White House right_?"

"We do. Now and then. Listen Toby?"

_"Sir?"_

"Charlie turned me down."

_"He.."_

"He says it's hard enough on him and Zoey now.. With David.."

_"Sam please tell me your not about to ask me to-."_

"Come be my Chief of Staff?"

_"Yeah that."_

_

* * *

Run your car off the side of the road _

stuck in a ditch in the middle of no where

Man I've been there

* * *

(**Present)**

"Donna?"

"Zoe,"

"How are you?"

"I'm fine. I could blow this joint. They're letting me stay an extra day with Nicholas."

"He's okay?" Zoey said softly.

"Yeah he's fine." Donna looked away. "As far as they could tell. Some of it's a wait and see thing."

"They did a MRI?"

"Your Mom insisted."

"She's been there."

"How's David?"

"He's good. He's.. He's really Good, Donna. I love his therapists. Mom got us the best people."

"I'm glad you came." She told her softly reaching out her hand to the younger woman.

"I just.. Donna?" She licked her lips, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. "I know that your blaming yourself right now, and my mom's blaming herself and Josh is probably absorbing enough guilt to fill the holes in the Ozone," Donna snickered a little despite the tears forming in her eyes. "When they told me David had Cerebral Palsy all I could think was that I made the wrong choices or that I was cursed or something. God knows you and Josh must think your cursed from time to time.." She stopped, looking at her friend for a long beat. "You did everything right. It just happens."

Donna nodded her head, wiping away the tears streaming down her face.

_

* * *

Or get yourself in a fight_

loose the shirt off your back

need a floor, need a couch, need a bus pass.

* * *

**(Between HWGH and GBT right after the miscarriage)**

"Your awake." Josh turned slowly to his wife, brushing the hair from her cheek. "How you feeling?"

"I'm okay." She whispered.

"You want some water?"

"Is there-?" He stopped her, holding up a bottle of Evian. "You do love me."

His hand paused over the lid for a second.

"I do. More than anything." His eyes were wide for a second as the words slipped breathlessly out of him.

"Josh.." She traced his face with her hand. He uncapped the bottle and gave it to her, watching as she sipped at it.

"Do you want to talk about it? Or not talk about it?" He asked softly.

"Do you need to?"

"Deanna said you said some things-."

"Josh.."

"-before I got here and I just.. You need to know that-."

"Josh, please don't-."

"-these things happen and it's not your fault." He stood up, sitting gingerly on the edge of the bed, pushing his eyes into hers. "It's not your fault."

He watched her lips shake for a second before the tears came, pulling her firmly against his chest and stroking her hair as she cried.

"It's not your fault."

**

* * *

**

Man I've been there.

Man I've been there.


	20. One Thing

**One thing**

* * *

Restless tonight  
Cause I wasted the light  
Between both these times  
I drew a really thin line

* * *

**(Present)**

He picked up the phone and started on CJ's number for the third time, before pressing end and sitting back on the couch again. This wasn't happening. He hadn't just been given an opportunity to play the game again. Not now. Not after all these years of writing books and advising potential candidates. Not after spending more time in a college classroom trying to drill in basic logic into the minds of children that had been in diapers when Jed Bartlett was elected president.

Toby swirled his scotch glass around, watching the amber liquid slosh up by his fingers and back down. He picked up the phone again, thinking hard about who he could call. Josh and his week old babies didn't seem like any better of an idea than CJ and her newly rediscovered husband. He dialed the only other number he could think of.

"Hi Dad." Molly chirped into the phone.

"Hi Sweetheart, how was soccer practice?" Ziegler rubbed his face, struggling to keep his tone of fatherly interest from slipping.

"It was good. You're coming to my game aren't you?"

"Next Sunday." Toby squinted to see the time on the calendar. "Five thirty."

"You remembered." Molly sighed in delighted relief.

"Is Mom around?" He asked nonchalantly.

"No. She's out with Mr. Davis."

"Senator Davis?" Toby's eyes widened.

"Yup. Do you want to talk to Sherrie?" Toby rolled his eyes at the mere thought of the pudgy babysitter and her dark rimmed glasses.

"No Honey I'll just call Mom back later." He took a deep breath, pacing towards the refrigerator.

"Do you want me to leave her a message?"

He grimaced, looking slowly around the room before answering.

"Yes. Could you tell her I'm going to New Hampshire for a few days?"

"To see Uncle Josh's babies?"

"Yes. To see your Uncle Josh." Toby sighed again.

"You'll be back by-?"

"Sunday at five thirty."

* * *

It's nothing I planned  
And not that I can  
But you should be mine  
Across that line

* * *

**(Post Oppositional Research)**

"You should be with me."

Josh leaned back against the headrest of the car. He should have said more. Seeing her had been more than a shock. It shouldn't have been. Will had said she was in New Hampshire. He should have expected to see her there.

"You should be with me."

He pressed his thumb and fourth finger into the bridge of his nose. She'd been so calm. He'd expected her to stop, pause a second when she saw him. He'd played the seen out a hundred thousand times in his head and not once had she been so minorly affected by his presence. She wasn't thrown off her game, she may have slipped a little, but she'd recovered quickly. He was thrown off of the field completely.

"You should be with me"

Any other man would have said what he meant. A man, an actual non cowardly, non workaholic, non commitment phobic man, would have just smiled at her and said 'I miss you.' Would it have been so hard for him to reach out his hand and touch her and say he missed her? He should have grabbed her and kissed her; with Rhonnna,Will and Bingo Bob watching on. Just for effect.

And he did miss her. He missed everything about her. Hell he was coming apart at the seems with out her. She didn't seem to care. She hadn't appraised him with her usual once over, or tilted her head with some soft comment about his disheveled appearance or how he'd lost weight or how he looked exhausted.

Maybe she'd thought it was all part of the job all along. Maybe he was wrong.

"You should be with me."

She had turned to him then and launched into what she had now. Without him. Knowing damn well it was more than he could offer her.

He had nothing to offer her and he wondered if he ever had.

* * *

If I traded it all  
If I gave it all away for one thing  
Just for one thing?

* * *

(**During Getting Back There, Santos Admin. year two)**

"Joshua."

"Hey." Lyman slid into bed, blinking in surprise at his wife as her eyes slipped open.

"What time is it?"

"Three am. Go back to sleep." He laid on his back, looking at the vaulted ceilings of their new bedroom.

"All is right again in the world?" She teased.

"Donna.." He sighed. "I hate this.."

"It was a national emergency verses one measly appointment. They'll be like a hundred more." She soothed, rolling onto her side and running her fingers through his hair. "It's nothing."

"No, it's not nothing. It's something." He sighed. "In fact, it's something else that I missed. You were scared and I needed to be there and-."

"Ainsley was there." She whispered. "And everything went fine, and if it hadn't , you would have paused World War Three, pawned it off on Sam and rushed right over just like you did… before."

His eyes closed when she paused at the memory of her miscarriage. The one he'd been in the situation room for. The one he didn't know about until after she'd been rushed to surgery to save any chance they had of having another baby. The one she'd nearly bled to death from in the same building he'd been in. He'd been in the hallway outside the situation room when Sam , white faced and breathing hard from running, had found him.

_"You need to come now."_ He'd said urgently grabbing at Lyman's arm and yanking him away. Josh had protested, looking back at the war room sure that all hell was breaking loose and the world was coming to an end. "_It's Donna.."_

Then _his_ world was coming to an end. He'd hyperventilated in the car on the way to the hospital. Nick patiently handing him a paper bag and watching him carefully.

"Josh?" He knew by her voice she'd kept talking and he'd missed it. He rolled over onto his side to face her, brushing back her hair from her face and trying to sink into her eyes. "It was just an amniocentesis." Her concerned voice made him inch closer to her body. She tugged at him until she could really hold him. Wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing his forehead.

"I think I should resign after re-election."

* * *

If I sorted it out  
If I knew all about this one thing  
Wouldn't that be something

* * *

**(Present)**

"What took you so long?" Josh asked opening the door for Toby. Zeigler looked down at his friend, as he scooted back the wheel chair with one hand while securing the infant on his lap with the other. This is what Chief of Staff had gotten Josh Lyman. "I told Donna you'd been here four days ago."

"I shouldn't be here at all." Toby shook his head. "You just had twins. I shouldn't be bothering-."

"Hey, you're a good resource you've been down this road before you can give us pointers."

"I doubt that you and Donna need pointers." He smirked.

"Is he here?" Donna called, her shoes clicking across the hardwood floor as she came into the foyer holding the other baby. "Good you're here. Come in." She reached out and scooped the baby off of Josh's lap and replaced it with Toby's bag in one swoop, balancing both babies easily.

"She needs no help." Toby said raising an eyebrow at Donna.

"She never does." Josh shook his head slowly. "I'm going to put this in the guest room." He chucked his head towards the hall. "Donna's going to get started on the list of reasons why you should be COS."

He turned back to her. Donna Lyman, twelve days from giving birth to twins and effortlessly holding both babies in a peach sundress that made her look like she'd never had a child more less four, grinned at him mercilessly.

"Come on Toby, It'll be fun."

* * *

I promise I might  
Not walk on by  
Maybe next time  
But not this time

* * *

**(Post Oppositional Research)**

It's not a thing.

She rolled onto her back and looked up at the ceiling. Now she actually had time to sleep and she couldn't. All she could think of was Josh walking away. Josh staring at her like she was a ghost.

It's not a thing.

Maybe she was like a ghost to him. Dead to him. Maybe what he meant to say is _it's nothing_. It's nothing. You are nothing _you left me and you're nothing to me now_. That's what he meant to say..

It's not a thing.

She flipped onto her side, wiping the tears from her eyes. He looked awful. He looked exhausted and lost.. and sick.. and lonely. Next time.. Maybe next time she'd ask him how he was. Maybe next time she'd ask him if he was eating okay. If he was sleeping at all. If he was taking his-.

What if he wasn't taking his blood pressure medicine? What if he_ was_ sick? The tears fell faster now. She took a staggared breath and reached for her phone.

"This is rediculous..." She muttered to herself scrolling down the list until she found the number she wanted. "Rediculous. You act like a normal humanbeing but-. Yes I'm calling to check on a prescription. Lyman L-Y-M-A-N. Joshua. Yes." She held her breath. "I just want to know how many refills are left. On all three please. Okay. And when was the last time they were filled? Yes, thankyou." She bit her lips for a second. "Can I have these refilled at any location? I'm in New Hampshire. Thank you." She hung up the phone, and wiped her eyes again. She could call someone over at the Santos Campagn. She could have them delivered to him. She could-. Her lower lip trembled for a second before she picked up the phone and started dialing again.

"_Toby Ziegler's office."_

"Ginger."

"_Donna how are you?"_

"I'm doing alright. Is he in?"

"_Yeah hold on." _

"Thanks_."_

"_Donna? It's three in the morning are you alright_?" Toby asked quickly.

"I.. I need you to do me a favor."

* * *

Even though I know  
I don't want to know  
Yeah I guess I know  
I just hate how it sounds

* * *

**(During the Santos to Seaborn transition.)**

"Ron?"

"Donna thanks for seeing me."

"I was surprised when Charlie said were asking for me." She set down her stack of files on her desk and wandered over towards the door.

"It's about Agent Casnoff." Donna's eyes pulled away quickly.

"I don't really remember anything Ron. I can't explain what happened on that tape-."

"No." He held up a hand to her, she closed her mouth quickly. "I meant Ana."

"What about her?" Donna whispered.

"She turned in her letter of resignation today. She's decided not to return from her leave of absence." He watched Donna's mouth fall open slightly. "She hadn't told you about this?" Donna shook her head slowly.

"I haven't been all that available to her lately." She whispered softly.

"I just want to be sure this is what she wants." He told her honestly. "We all took Agent Castoff's death very hard. I know that you and Josh were close to Nick and Ana. I though you should know."

"Ron.." She whispered softly. "About the tape.." She took a deep breath. "Nick was a good man and a good Agent. Josh and I don't want to see-."

Butterfield put up his hand swallowing hard before answering her.

"You have my word Ma'am. That tape goes no where." He told her firmly. She nodded slowly.

"It's funny. I'm not going back either. Zoey has her own detail, she doesn't need her. It makes sense in a way." Her voice trailed off for a second.She looked at Agent Butterfield and smiled. "Thank you Ron I'll talk to Ana."

* * *

If I traded it all  
If I gave it all away for one thing  
Just for one thing

* * *

**(Present)**

"What about the charges?" Ziegler lifted his eyes slowly and looked at Josh.

"You were pardoned Toby. It never happened." He told him flippantly leaning back and fingering a stran of Donna's hair.

"Not everyone will agree with that." Toby shook his head.

"Everyone that matters will." Donna said sweetly.

"There will be questions." He stood up and started pacing the lenght of the floor.

"And you'll answer them." Josh shook his head for a moment. "They did a poll."

"They did a what?"

"They did a poll, before he said anything, they had Joey.."

"For crying out loud! What were they thinking they can't-." He ran his hand through his hair. "The can't just-."

"It's not like before Toby." Donna tucked her hand under Josh's arm pressing the side of her face against his bicept. "It's different. You'll have to get used to that when your chief."

* * *

If I sorted it out  
If I knew all about this one thing  
Wouldn't that be something

* * *

**(During King Corn)**

He'd been watching her door on and off for an hour now. How incredibly pathetic. Not quiet as pathetic as when Toby had called and asked him if he was taking care of himself.

He knew that Toby had noticed he wasn't taking his medication when Donna left. He wondered how Toby knew to be clucking after him about it now. His half hearted excuse about seeing him on TV and him looking like shit didn't go over with Josh. He wondered who'd put him up to it. CJ? Margaret? Or...

Josh couldn't think about that right now; how Toby had known he had refills and where he could get them. He couldn't think about that right now. He'd actually walked to the door twice now, stopping and starring before turning and making his way back into the room.

The old Donna would have made sure he was taking it. The old Donna would have told him he had refills and where he could get them. The Donna who he'd counted on. His Donna.

He'd seen her today. In one brief moment. She'd opened his door. He'd walked right through.

Some where during a briefing today he'd decided he should have kissed her on the elevator. He should have broken the silence by pinning her against the wall and kissing the hell out of her.

He looked out the peep hole of the door again, swallowing hard. Maybe he should knock. Maybe he should push his way in when she opened the door and pin her to the bed and kiss the hell out of her.

Funny how all of these scenarios seemed to involve kissing the hell out of her. He stopped for a second, wondering if he'd ever kissed the hell out of anyone before; hungrily, gasping, inhaling air through your nose to avoid having to pull your self away for a second. Probably, when he was in High School. College maybe, but he'd never kissed Mandy or Amy hungrily. He'd kiss Donna that way and he knew it.

The thought of Donna kissing anyone else that way was not something he could stomach at the moment. When the somebody became Will Bailey in his head he almost threw up. Then he wanted to kill Will Bailey.. for being alive for him to imagine Donna kissing. Logical no, ironic yes. Since Donna had worked for him for nine years and there had been no hungry kissing. A sweet brush of lips on cheek yes. A few tender forehead kisses, yes.

And once..._ **once**_.. _something.._

But that had been long ago and far away and if she ever kissed Will Bailey like that he'd die. If she ever kissed Bailey.. hungrily..

Josh paced back towards the peep hole. She was in there now. Sleeping. Not kissing anyone. Not sweetly or tenderly or hungrily and everyone in the world knew he wasn't going to do anything tonight that would change that.

But he wanted to.

* * *

_If I traded it all  
If I gave it all away for one thing  
Just for one thing _ _

* * *

_

**(Post Memorial Day)**

"Josh?"

"Yeah?"

"You're starring."

"How the hell do you know, your eyes are closed?"

"I can feel it."

"No you can't."

"Fine. I can hear it. You're doing that sighing thing again."

"I-." He trailed off, his thumb carefully tracing over the IV scar on her hand.

"I know." She whispered opening her eyes and smiling at him.

"You'll be here for three more days. They can wait three more days."

"I know it's hard." He huffed at her words and looked back up at the ceiling.

"I went back to work a whole month before you after.." She protested squeezing his hand.

"And came home to me every night." He sighed.

"It's three days."

"And you refuse to stay at my place which I don't understand-."

"Can we not get into this again?" She said sharply, before swallowing in remorse as his hand slipped out of hers. He flopped back against the seat and snorted in protest. "Josh?"

"Sure." He whispered half heartedly, before standing up and walking to the window.

"Come back."

"Donna."

"Don't make this a thing. I don't want you to go back tomorrow feeling like-."

"Like what?" He whispered when she didn't continue, slowly turning back to the bed. "Like what Donnatella?"

She pulled her eyes from his and looked down at the blankets.

"Donna?"

"We shouldn't do this."

"Why?"

"Because we can't take it back."

"What if we don't want to take it back?"

"Josh."

"Donna I-." He slipped onto the edge of her bed, watching her eyes avoid him. "Donnatella look at me."

"We shouldn't do this."

"I'm going to."

"Don't." She pleaded, looking up at him with watery eyes. He let his heavy eyelids slip closed.

"I almost lost you.":

"You didn't."

"I almost did and when that happens it makes you realize that maybe you shouldn't wait to say things that-."

"I remember what it makes you realize Joshua." She snapped, he flinched. "I know what that feels like."

"Yeah." He whispered.

"I also remember that life goes on and work resumes and…" She took his hand in hers. "I'll call like eight times a day. I promise."

He closed his eyes, nodding slightly as he leaned his forehead against hers. She brought her other hand up and fingered his hair a few times before pressing him tight against her.

"Sometimes.." He whispered.

"Josh." Her tone was soft and warning.

He turned his head slightly, ducking under her chin and kissing the corner of her jaw and across her throat before dropping one last kiss on her lips before pulling back his face and turning away from her, his eyes fixed on the window across the room. She gathered the fabric of his shirt in her grasp and pulled him towards her his head landing awkwardly on her shoulder as she snaked her hand up and across his chest., lacing her good leg with his.

When she was sure that his breathing had slowed enough, and his grip on her forearm had gone slack, she pressed her lips to the top of his sleeping head.

"I love you too Joshua."

* * *

_If I sorted it out  
If I knew all about this one thing  
Wouldn't that be something_

* * *

**(Present)**

"Oh God. Mr. Ziegler I'm sorry. I didn't know anyone was still in here." Ana called into the darkness before snapping the light back on.

"Ana, you could call me Toby if you wanted to." The other man whispered sitting up straighter and shaking the sleep from his face.

"I don't think I can, Sir."

"Do you call Josh Sir?"

"No Sir." She smiled softly and for the first time he noticed how pretty she was.

"Then stop it." She snickered, tilting her head to the side and biting her lip ever so softly.

"Are you going to be Si-?" She shook her head at his raised eyebrows. "Toby?"

"Yes Ma'am." He said efficiently giving her a rare grin as he wandered into the hall. She watched him go. It was the second longest conversation he'd ever had with the girl, but he knew more about her than most people in her life.

He cast a look back over his shoulder. She was still standing there, leaning against the wall starring into the dark room. Her Secret Service training was what caused her to turn her head, he was sure of it, but the look he saw in her eyes was unexpected.

"I never said thank you." She told him softly.

"You never needed to."

* * *

_Even though I know  
I don't want to know  
Yeah I guess I know  
I just hate how it sounds_..

* * *

**(Post Evidence of things not seen)**

"I'm done."

"You okay?"

"Donna, you don't have to ask me that every time-."

"Every time we get shot at Josh? Cause I think I'm entitled to-."

"Are you coming or not?" He chucked his thumb towards the door.

"You need me to?"

"You need to." He whispered quietly. "Come on."

He guided her past the security station and out the door. There were still too many people around. Wandering the grounds and conversing. She glanced behind them to confirm they were being followed to the parking lot.

"I want you to take a pill."

"If you need me to." He sighed pulling her over to his car and leaning her against it.

"You don't think you need to?" She said anxiously, eyeing the agent closest to them, following his gaze to the street.

"No, right now I think you need to." He raised an eyebrow and gestured to the passenger door he'd just unlocked. She rolled her eyes at him before looking around nervously as she ducked inside the car.

He listened to her exhale as he slid into the seat next to her. They drove to Georgetown in silence.

"So.. " Her voice was too high.

"Donna.."

"Am I wrong to think that maybe we should-?"

"No." He pulled his hand off of the stick and found hers. "We'll talk. I answer anything you want me to answer. I'll listen to Yoyo-Ma. I'll do what ever you need me to do to prove to you that I'm okay." He pulled the car to the curb outside the town house and came around to her door to let her out.

"You really are aren't you?" She whispered as he unlocked the door and moved her inside in front of him.

"Donna.." He sighed rubbing his face in exasperation. "I said I was-." He turned his face back to where she'd been standing and she wasn't there. His eyes swept to where she was on the couch. Her hands over her face, propped on elbows that shook from where they balanced on her knees.

His hands swung back down to his sides as he dropped beside her on the couch and pulled her to his chest. Her hand came up instinctively and he cupped it there over the ragged indentation and the beginning of the raised line, pulling her fingers back far enough to kiss the tips of them before turning their bodies side ways to lay on the couch.

"It's okay." He whispered to her softly. "Everything's okay."

* * *

_If I traded it all  
If I gave it all away for one thing  
Just for one thing_

* * *

**Present)**

"Hello?"

"You didn't call me?"

He blinked in the darkness, pulling his cell phone away from his ear slightly.

"CJ?"

"Sam offers you COS and you don't even call me? For a week? You jump on a plane and go see Josh but you don't think to call me?"

"I though. I just thought it would be better if I didn't." He took a deep breath and let it out. "Call you.." Her silence deafened him, he closed his eyes against it. "CJ."

"_No.." _She whispered calmly. _"You're right_.."

"CJ."

"_I'd just thought we'd go into consulting or something. Maybe we'd write another book. I didn't think you'd.."_

"Get back in the game?"

"Take my place at the table."

"You left it." He said evenly. "You made your choice." He heard her huff out a breath.

"We never even discussed it."

"We never do."

"Toby."

"Don't." He whispered, shaking his head to no one. He listened to her breath for a moment. "I haven't decided."

"You should-. You should take it." She whispered back. _"You deserve your spot at the table back." _

She whispered back. 

"CJ."

"_You do_." She ignored his tone. "_We'll talk later_?"

"Yeah."

"Okay." He listened to Danny calling her quietly as he she started to hang up the phone.

"Who is it?"

"It was work."

"You need to-?"

"No.. it's fine. I'm all yours."

* * *

_Wouldn't that be something?_


	21. Far Away

(One more chapter after this one.. Please enjoy.)

Far Away

* * *

_This time, This place  
Misused, Mistakes

* * *

_

(Present)

"Toby."

"Sir."

"Do you know how much I hate that?"

"What's that Sir?"

"Nine months you'd think I'd be used to it." He clicked his cheek. "My friends feeling it necessary to call me Sir."

"_You're the President of the United States_." Toby said incredulously.

"Am I? Well hell that explains a lot." He thumbed across the papers on his desk, looking up to see CJ slipping through the door.

"Sam."

"That's why all these people keep asking me for stuff. It explains all the guys in black suits. I thought that was a little weird."

"_Sam."_

"Just say yes and get it over with." He told him. CJ sighed, catching his attention. "Before Ms. Gregg changes her mind."

"_CJ's-?" _Sam glanced at his COS, she'd turned towards her office.

"No. She hasn't." Sam exhaled loudly, looking up as Margaret opened the door and looked at him meaningfully. "Listen.. It's time for Staff. Why don't you listen in?" He hit speaker as the group filed in.

"_Are you a complete nutcase? Honestly Sam I have serious doubts about your sanity.." _

"Actually.. Now it would probably be better to go with Sir." Sam smirked.

"_You put me on-?"_

"I did."

"_Yeah okay_.." Toby sighed.

Ahem.."

"_Sir." _Toby added with irritation.

"Good.. Now everyone is familiar with Mr. Ziegler?" The group nodded

"Hey Toby." The DCOS called softly.

"_Charlie."_

"Okay now.. What do we have?"

* * *

_Too long, Too late  
Who was I to make you wait?

* * *

_

(Present)

"Your home." He put down his file and starred at her in disbelief

"I am. She looked past him towards their daughters rooms. "Are they asleep?"

"They are." He looked at her again. "You're home."

"Danny.."

"It's two in the afternoon." He raised his eyebrow at her.

"It's Sunday." She argued weakly.

"When has that ever-?" He snorted.

"Danny.." She rubbed her head for a second before lifting her eyes back to her husband.

"He took it?" He held his face perfectly still. She looked at him questioningly. "I was at Sr. Staff. I saw how he got into it. He wanted back in the game he was just afraid to bite."

"The President spent the whole damn afternoon on and off the phone with him. He made Toby sit in via speaker phone for every-."

"You could change your mind. Sam would let you."

"That's not the point."

"The point is it's Toby?" She turned her face towards him, her eyes diverted as she winced.

"The point is he should have never left the game." He pulled her down beside him. "I.."

"CJ."

"I ruined his life. Over and over I ruined his life and he never once held it against me." Danny pulled her head to his shoulder and exhaled slowly. "Who was I? Who the hell did I think I was?"

* * *

_Just one chance  
Just one breath  
Just in case there's just one left

* * *

_

(Post Runaway Train, before the video)

"I'll be back." She whispered more to herself then to him.

"I know." He moved her hair back from her face as she leaned over the couch to kiss him. "It's okay."

"I.." She sniffed, quickly wiping the tears away from her face.

"Shh.. it's one night."

"Um.. Ana's here and um.. Toby said he'd be around later."

"Donna.. go."

"Yeah." She leaned in an kissed him soundly. "I love you."

"I love you." He whispered kissing her forehead before she pulled away.

"I'll call." She whispered moving towards the door.

"A lot." He winked at her as she left. Ana wandered into the room and sat down on across from him. "She's freaking out."

"She is." Ana Casnoff whispered. Josh watched her carefully, he eyes trained forward, reminding him of Nick. He shook the memory away.

"Thanks for staying." He told her, turning away from her absent gaze and looking at the television. "Donna's just not ready for me to be alone and staying in the East Wing screams invalid. You know?" He glanced at her, and she shot him a fake smile. Josh squirmed at the silence. "We haven't.. you know.. Really talked lately."

She looked at him like he was insane.

"Not that we've ever.. Really.." He frowned. She uncrossed her legs, tucking them underneath her. "I mean.. it's not like.. We've never been alone before, have we?"

Ana took a deep breath and let it out in a long sigh.

"Once. You weren't conscious yet." He nodded.

"I mean.. you're.. I was best man at your wedding.."

"You were." She looked back towards the window. "Josh?"

"Yeah?"

"What's the last thing you remember.. About.."

"Arguing with Nick about how he wasn't getting any and finding out poll numbers in Southern Illinois sucked." He spit out quickly not looking at her.

"So.. You don't know if he was.." She was squinting her eyes when he looked back up at her.

"If he was what? Ana?"

"Never mind."

"Ana?" She turned to look at him, taking a slow breath and smiling sadly.

"Never mind."

"Hello?" Josh listened to the door close.

"Toby." Josh called never looking away from Ana.

"I brought Pizza." He stopped short looking at Ana. "Agent Casnoff."

"Mr. Ziegler." She murmured getting up from the chair and walking towards the kitchen. Josh followed her with his eyes.

"I brought Pizza and beer. Which Donna told me on the way out that you can't have any of. So, it looks like I'll be sleeping in your guest room tonight."

Josh looked away from the door and back at Toby.

"Pizza's good."

* * *

_'Cause you know,  
you know, you know  
That I love you  
I have loved you all along  
And I miss you  
Been far away for far too long

* * *

_

**(Present.)**

"And he huffed and he puffed but he couldn't blow the house down." Josh looked at the babies settled in there bouncy chairs on the coffee table. "I don't really know what this is about." He told them. "I mean what's the moral here? Bricks are better? Is this some environmentalist agenda that I haven't been informed of or-."

"Joshua." Donna whapped him in the back of the head with the back of her hand as she walked by.

"What?" He squeaked. "I'm just concerned about the moral message.."

"It's that hard work pays off Josh. Don't do things half ass." She told him in irritation.

"You get that from construction worker pigs and wolves with an impossible lung capacity?"

"No." She wandered back over to him with a bottle dangling from each hand. "You get that from the building materials. Bricks cost more than sticks or straw and they take more time in construction but in the end you are left with a better product." She turned to the babies at the end cooing out her explanation to them. "Aren't you?"

They starred at her riveted.

"Come on. You guys aren't' actually buying that are you?" The twins switched there gazes to their father.

"Josh."

"I'm just saying.."

"Guys? Both of them looked up at Ana's call. She stood there with a skeptical expression on her face between Noah and Joanie. "They're babies, they like the way Josh does the pig voices." She cocked her head to the left. "And we're going to miss our plane."

* * *

_I keep dreaming you'll be with me  
and you'll never go  
Stop breathing if  
I don't see you anymore

* * *

_

(Post Runaway Train, before the video)

"_Josh_!" His face twitched for a second as his mind tried to register what was going on. "_Josh! Wake up_!"

"Humm?"

"_Josh I need you to wake up, Man_."

Then it hit him. He knew that voice. His eyes slipped open.

"Nick?"

"_I need your help_." Lyman blinked at him.

"Shit." He moaned rolling onto his back. "What the hell happened now?"

"_You're not dead or anything, you ass! You're dreaming. I need you to wake up." _Lyman blinked for a second.

"Why am I dreaming of you?"

"_Josh, shut up. I need you to_-." Lyman closed his eyes again. "_Josh wake up. Ana's in trouble."_

"Ana's asleep." Lyman mumbled. "I'm asleep. And you my friend are dead."

"_Josh.. She's.. Josh I need your help.." _Nick pleaded. Lyman pressed his head against the pillow before slowly sitting up. "_Thank God.. Wake up Josh.."_

"I'm up!" He snapped at no one as he blinked into the dark living room. He could hear her soft crying from the bathroom then. "Ana.." He called from the couch.

All that answered him was a loud crash and more crying.

"Ana?" He looked quickly towards his wheel chair. It wasn't there. He moved his eyes around the room and spotted it by the door. Too far away for him to do a damn thing about what ever was happening in the other room.

"I'm sorry.. I'm so so sorry.." He heard her whisper to no one. "I tried but I can't.. I can't.."

"Toby!" Josh yelled loudly towards the guest room. "TOBY!" He picked up an empty beer can from the coffee table and winged it at the door. "Toby get the hell out here!"

"What the hell.." Ziegler muttered opening the door.

"Help her." Josh yelled frantically pointing to the other side of the house. Ziegler looked confused for a minute until he heard her.

"Shit." He muttered hurrying past Josh and down the hall way.

She was kneeling in front of the bathtub when he found her, the contents of Nick's dob-kit dumped in front of her, flat razor in her hand and tiny cuts across her fingers. She touched it again and he watched the line of red form over the spot.

"I.. I'm sorry.." She whispered frantically. He could smell the alcohol from the door as he lunged forward and caught her wrist in hers. "I can't I can't do this anymore." She yelled at him, her tear soaked face spinning around to meet his. "I.. I killed him. I .." Toby plucked the razor from her hand and dropped it into the bathtub, moving his thumbs over her pink wrists just to be sure before he grabbed her off the floor and carried her back out into the living room.

"Jesus." Josh muttered. Pulling off his T-shirt and wrapping it around her bloody hands as Toby dropped her onto his lap and headed for the front door.

"We need an ambulance." He announced to the Agent at the door. The man charged into the room assessing the woman huddled on Josh's lap.

"I killed him.." She whispered frantically. "I killed him…"

It would be months before Josh Lyman would know what that meant.

* * *

_On my knees, I'll ask  
Last chance for one last dance  
'Cause with you, I'd withstand  
All of hell to hold your hand

* * *

_

(Present)

"So.."

"Ainsley."

"I just hope you've really thought it though."

"I have."

"He bullies you."

"I'm the President of the United States. I can't be bullied." He raised his eyebrows at her. "It's against the law."

"You two have some big brother little brother dynamic and he bullies you. He's always bullied you."

"I can handle him. I've always handled him." Sam rolled over and faced his wife. "I thought you liked him."

"I do."

"So you wait until three am the night before I formally offer him the job and he formally accepts before you tell me he's not the guy?"

"Josh is the guy."

"Josh doesn't want to be the guy Ainsley." He sighed. "Charlie doesn't want to be the guy. Elise isn't ready to be the.. gal. Toby is the next logical person here."

"You could have gone outside of the Bartlett Box Car gang."

"No. I couldn't have." He whispered.

"No you couldn't have." She sighed.

"Ainsley?"

"He betrayed Jed Bartlett." She whispered softly into the dark. Sam found her hand, wrapping it in his.

"Jed Bartlett betrayed him first."

* * *

I'd give it all  
I'd give for us  
Give anything but I won't give up  
'Cause you know,  
you know, you know

* * *

(Between How we got her and Getting back here.)

(Previously)"I think I should resign after reelection.."

Donna held her breath and waited for him to continue. He didn't.

"Josh?"

"Just.. I'm tired Donna. We'll… talk about it some other-."

"No way." She said sharply pushing on his shoulder until he propped himself up beside her. "You don't get to say something like that and then-."

"I'm tired Donna, of missing important things like doctors appointments and birthday parties-."

"Josh Lyman you did not miss your son's birthday party. You took a phone call. A five minute-."

"I missed enough. I missed enough for him to notice."

"He just noticed Josh he didn't care."

"No he didn't, because it's an everyday occurrence Donnatella.."

"It is not."

"What if something had happened today?" He snapped. "Or tomorrow or the next day and I can't be there for you because I have to hold Santos' hand while he makes some meaningless decision about which heads of state to call first when calling heads of state to invite them to irrelevant meaningless decision making summits where no decisions are ever made!" She pressed her hand into his chest, stroking her thumb across it until his breathing slowed down and he collapsed back against his pillow, cupping his hand over hers.

"That was a long time coming." Donna whispered softly.

"Yeah." He rubbed his face for a second. "He can't do anything without looking at every single option available and plotting out how each one could possibly play out.."

"That's what makes him good at his job Josh."

"It's.. I'm already four steps a head of him by the time he's ready to make a decision."

"That's what makes you good at yours." He silently absorbed her words.

"It was a meeting about Kumar." He whispered softly, her eyebrows wrinkled in confusion but she stayed quiet. "I'd told him he was being to careful that he was…" He took a staggered breath. "And we'd gone back and forth all day. He just wouldn't make a move. I just wanted him to make a move.." Slowly it dawned on her what day he was referring to. The day she'd lost the baby. "If he'd had just.."

"It wouldn't have made a difference.." She said softly , tears rolling slowly off the sides of her face as he pressed her hand harder against his chest.

"Donna you almost bled to death.."

"I didn't."

"If I would have been there when I said I was going to-."

"Deanna found me Josh. I didn't-."

"But you could have." He whispered. "Too close.." She listened to him sniff back his own tears before his hand came up and smoothed hers away. "We've had way to many close calls."

"He needs you Josh." She told him softly.

"Not after reelection. Sam could-."

"Joshua."

"What if I was wrong?"

"About what?"

"About him.."

* * *

_That I love you  
I have loved you all along  
And I miss you__

* * *

_

**(Present)**

He watched her walking the perimeter of the area set up in the rose garden for the press announcement. He hadn't talked to her in six weeks. Since that late night phone call at Josh's house. Since he'd told her that _they never talked about it. _In a voice that informed her they never would.

She caught him watching, looking away quickly.

"She misses you as much as you miss her." Toby jumped, turning slowly as he recovered to face Danny Concannon. "She's decided it's all her fault your life's been in shambles."

"I wouldn't say shambles."

"Really ? She did." He raised his eyebrows. "No. Wait. She said ruined. In fact she said _ruined over and over again._"

"Danny as much as I love these bizarre little chats of ours.."

"I just thought you should know she misses you too." He said walking slowly away.

* * *

Been far away for far too long  
I keep dreaming you'll be with me  
and you'll never go  
Stop breathing if  
I don't see you anymore

* * *

(Present)

"It's going to start soon." She whispered watching him gaze out the window.

"Give her another minute." She watched Ana run her hand over the top of the headstone.

"Do you want me to go with you?" She asked breathlessly, trying not to put herself in Ana's place. It was just so easy.

"No. I need to talk to him alone." Josh told her in a barely audible voice. He watched Ana back up slowly, wiping her eyes as she came up the walk back to the car, opening the door for Josh.

"How'd he take it?" Josh teased winking at her softly. She smiled in embarrassment before rolling her eyes at him.

"Do you need the chair?" She asked her cheeks still pink around the edges.

"No." He pulled himself up, steadying against the car door before making his way down the slope to Nick's headstone. He glanced back at the car, Donna had her arms wrapped around Ana, and her eyes on him. He smiled at her before turning his attention to what he came for.

"So.. I guess Ana told you about the new guy huh?" He shuffled his feet a little, shoving his hands into his pockets. " He's completely the opposite of you." Josh snickered for a second. "I had nothing to do about it. I swear to god. We're going to miss her though. Donna says it's all the more reason for her to go to Georgetown. I think she's actually thinking we should get an apartment while we're here. That's.. unexpected. It's only been a year. She said something about reelection. I have to say part of me..

"I.. I didn't come here to chat about politics." He took a few steps back, lowering himself onto the bench at the foot of the grave, suddenly thankful it was there. You.. I forgot to tell you something." He lowered his eyes to his hands. "I forgot to thank you.. But that's a given. And hey. I still got shot.. So.. Thank you isn't really appropriate for that kind of thing is it?

"I'm just saying.." He took a deep breath. "I don't have a lot of friends." He blurted out dramatically. "I have like five real ones and I never really even get to see them. I saw you everyday.

"Now I love Sam like a brother, so I can't really have him give up his title or anything but.. I forgot to tell you.." He stood back up and paced forward again. "I forgot to tell you that you were..

"You're a good friend. Not such a great human shield.." Josh gestured to his head with his pointer finger. "But you were a really good friend. I miss you. I honestly… Two years later and I'm still surprised not to hear your damn voice at the door every morning. You were a good friend and I just wanted you to know that. " He pulled a rock from his pocket, setting it on the edge of the granite stone, patting it once and starting up the hill.

* * *

_So far away  
Been far away for far too long So far aw_ay _Been far away for far too long  
But you know, you know, you know

* * *

_

**(Present)**

"Okay stop." Toby muttered. " You're lurking is making me nervous."

She sighed and sunk into one of the chairs behind him.

"I don't know what to say."

"My _life_ isn't **ruined**." He told her with a huffy sigh. She recognized that sigh. It was an indigent sigh of a man trying not to say what he really meant.

"I.. didn't mean."

"Yes you did." He looked at his hands. "When I got out? I had this whole speech planned. I was going to apologize to you. I was going to try to figure out a way to explain how I had betrayed him…" She starred at the back of his head. "But you didn't care and we didn't talk about it. You packed your things and I drove you to the airport and we never went any deeper than that."

She waited for him to continue, smoothing the pads of her fingers over her immaculately manicured nails.

"Then you said 'come to California we'll write a book' and I came to California and we were supposed to talk it out. How I'd betrayed my marriage for you. How we'd never really talked about how we were never together again once we got into the White House .. But we didn't. We wrote a book and talked about our political past and then in New Hampshire after Bartlett was recovering from his crisis Josh said 'Come back to Washington and help me get Sam elected' and you and I stayed up all night at the farm talking strategy and the effects of putting our lives on hold again. Only our lives were never on hold long enough to talk about it. Then as usual, when you were afraid that you weren't enough for Danny you came right back to my door because you knew that you were too good for me.."

"Toby.."

"And we still didn't talk about it." He held up his hand to her, turning around to face her for the first time. "I'm going to talk about it."

"I betrayed my wife, but I couldn't betray you. I betrayed the President, but I couldn't betray you. I love you Claudia Jean. I always have. "

She froze for a second wondering what she was supposed to say to that.

"I know you love me. Differently, but you love me. I can't be your fall back guy anymore CJ. I can't be the one you run to when you want someone to love you." He looked up for a second. "I'd like my best friend back though."

She watched his hand reach out and take hers gingerly from her lap, raising an expectant eyebrow at her.

"Me too." She said softly.

* * *

_I wanted  
I wanted you to stay  
'Cause I needed  
I need to hear you say

* * *

_

(The week Toby spent in NH)

"Toby?" She said his name unsurely, like perhaps she'd gotten it wrong. His eyes lifted to the door.

"Ana."

"I was just going to turn on the game, will it bother you?"

"You like baseball?"

"I love baseball." She said empathically, flopping down on the couch. "You?"

"I'm from New York." He said indigently shaking his head back and forth.

"So Yankee's or Mets?" She raised an eyebrow.

"Umm, Yankee's." He blinked at her like she was a moron. A slow grin spread across her face. "You?"

"I'm from St. Louis." She told him like that explained everything.

"Don't tell me…"

"Okay fine. I'll show you." She shrugged, lifting her leg onto the armrest of the couch and pulling up her pant leg to reveal a bat with a small red bird sitting across it.

"Wow." He arched and eyebrow. "That's serious."

"We take our Red Birds pretty damn seriously." She grinned. "We do have one thing in common.." He tilted his head to the left. "I'm not a fan of the Sox either."

"Are you going to turn it on? I'd like to watch your pigions loose to the Padres." He told her gesturing madly towards the TV.

"You'll eat that."

"Pujols can't carry the whole team on his bat."

"Are you kidding me? Have you not heard of Chris Carpenter? Scott Rolan? Jimmy freaking Edmunds?"

"Isn't he the guy who hit his head?" He asked playfully.

"You know damn well who he is." She grinned.

"Seriously? _Post concussion syndrome_. Who made that up?" He grinned back at her.

"Did you see the fall?" She challenged.

"He's lucky to still have an intact spine." Toby told her flatly. "He shouldn't have gotten up."

"That's what I said." She told him excitedly shaking her head back and forth. "But he'll be fine. He always is."

"Here he's getting traded."

"Shh! Don't say it out loud. He'll hear you." She pointed at the screen as they took the field.

"So. He doesn't know?"

"He's not going anywhere. They say that every year." She told him in an unsure voice. He moved from his chair and sat beside her on the couch.

"They say the same thing about Joe Torre." He told her leaning back and stretching his arm across the back of couch. She smiled at him for a long time before snapping back to the game as the Cardinal's short stop came up to bat.

* * *

_That I love you  
I have loved you all along  
And I forgive you  
For being away for far too long

* * *

_

(Still in NH)

"Georgetown?"

"We'd be there for Sam. For the campaign. You know you'll be spending that whole year in DC anyway." She was almost begging.

"I didn't know you were so unhappy here."

"Don't start."

"What? You're practically pleading with me to move back to-."

"Joshua Lyman I'm not pleading with anyone to do anything. I love it here. I don't want to sell the farm. I don't want to get back into politics. I'd like to finish college. Maybe go to law school. Prove wrong anyone who ever said-."

"You don't need a college education to prove anything to anyone-."

"I need it for me." She whispered. "Josh I need it for me."

He sat silently for a moment before reaching over and brushing his fingers through her hair.

"Okay."

"I'm not saying we have to pack up and-."

"I said okay."

"Are you mad?"

"Mad?"

"I.. we don't have to.."

"Donna if you want to go to Georgetown we'll move back." He lifted his eyes up to hers. "No more DC though. No more politics."

"None." She whispered as the baby monitor emitted a high pitched cry. "Is it that time already?"

Josh looked at his watch.

"Just Nicholas."

"Tell me why we put them on an alternating schedule?" She moaned slipping out of bed and walking to the nursery.

"You said it promoted better bonding. Individuality."

"I'm an idiot." She called.

"I'll take AJ. Feed Nick and go to bed." He called getting up and putting on his robe.

"I knew I married your Daddy for a reason." She muttered over the baby monitor. He smiled, making his way to the den.

He could hear the TV. Post Playoff Game. He grinned. The Mets were going to win this thing, he thought moving around the corner.

"Shit." He muttered watching Toby and Ana break their faces apart clumsily, Ana grabbing at the sides of her shirt and starting to re-button it.. "I."

"Hi Josh." Toby muttered as Ana's hand came up and wiped the lipstick from his neck.

Josh looked at Ana.

"You'd think after the last time we would have created a signal or something." He told her awkwardly backing up towards the hall. "Umm.. Did the Mets win?" Ana nodded. "Good.. Um.. Carry on."

He pressed his lips together to keep from laughing as he made his way back down the hall to tell Donna.

* * *

_So keep breathing  
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore _

Believe it  
Hold on to me and, never let me go  
Keep breathing

'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore

* * *

(Present)

"If you're joking that's just cruel." The president tilted his head back and looked at his best friend.

"Sam I said it was a possibility." Josh shook his head. "I shouldn't have even brought it up."

"What would you do?" He asked handing Lyman a drink and sitting down on the couch.

"Teach a class or two at William and Mary." He shrugged, taking a slow sip of the scotch.

"Not Georgetown?"

"Defiantly not Georgetown." He shook his head.

"And Donna?"

"She'll be at Georgetown."

"Really?" Sam turned his head.

"You sound surprised."

"It's not like she needs it."

"No she wants it." Lyman smiled a little. "It's important to her."

"Law school?"

"Probably eventually."

"Sounds.. Right."

"We'd just be here for school. Summers are at the farm." Josh said sternly.

"I'll take what I can get." Sam snorted, looking into his glass then back at Josh. "So.. Maybe you'll.."

"Don't say it."

"Run my reelection campaign. Oh look! I said it."

"Sam. You know, I'm starting to remember why I love New Hampshire."

"Come on you miss it."

"No. I don't."

"Honestly?"

"Not at all. I mean I miss you guys. I miss Georgetown. I miss the bar on my old street that had the great burgers. But I don't miss it."

"Wow."

"No kidding." Josh bit his lip.

* * *

Believe it  
Hold on to me and, never let me go  
Keep breathing

* * *

(Present)

"Did you talk to her?" Ana whispered putting her hand on Toby's back.

"I did." He smiled at her softly. "Did you.. "

"I did."

"You're okay about it?" He tilted his head to look her in the eye.

"He would have wanted me to.." She grinned for a second. "Not necessarily with you, but-."

"Low blow." He told her with a fake wince. She kissed his cheek, lacing her hand with his.

Across the room Charlie leaned over the table and raised his eyes at Abbey Bartlett.

"Guess that explains the frequent visits to New Hampshire." He smirked.

"Guess so." Danny whispered looking at CJ.

"She's a nice girl." Abbey told them. "They've both been through a lot. It makes sense."

CJ never took her eyes off of them as he pulled her across the room and introduced her to Andi, the other woman smiled broadly before gesturing to Senator Davis who was shaking Toby's hand.

Danny reached for his wife's hand and squeezed it firmly. She blinked back at him.

"This is.. He deserves this." She told him softly. Danny flashed her a smile before kissing her fingers.

"What's up?" Josh asked as he rejoined the table.

"We were just admiring the new couple." Abbey told him brightly. Josh followed her gaze to Toby and Ana. "We were surprised."

"Believe me when I tell you not as surprised as I was." Josh smirked at his wife picking up his glass and taking a drink.

"Where's Sam?" Ainsley asked absently.

"He got a call." Josh told her. She rolled her eyes with a grin.

"Of course." Abbey added knowingly. CJ made an involuntary move to get up when she saw Ryan enter the room, but settled back down as he marched past her table to the new Chief of Staff.

Toby turned towards him before turning back to Ana and kissing her cheek. He followed Ryan out the door as Andi moved a chair beside her and gestured for Ana to sit.

"Takes a while." Josh said softly.

CJ nodded slowly watching her best friend walk across the room and out the door.

* * *

Hold on to me and, never let me go  
Keep breathing  
Hold on to me and, never let me go


	22. Confidence For you I will

**A/N okay I lied. This isn't the last chapter. Something came up and I needed one more. Maybe two more? I'm not sure. Anyway. As always.. My stories write themselves and this one has taken more turns than any I've ever written. This chapter is no different. I was thinking about how to incorporate more Sam and Ainsley and damn if they didn't have a story line for me. **

**Stupid tiny characters in my head..**

**Anyway.. It's pretty Josh Ainsley Sam centric.. Just so you know..**

**Lori**

* * *

**Confidence** (For you I will)

* * *

_Wondering the streets, in a world underneath it all  
Nothing seems to be, nothing tastes as sweet  
As what I can't have

* * *

_

**(A week ago)**

"I think she sharpened enough pencils to demolish a rain forest."

"She's nervous Josh." Ainsley smiled leaning back against the white scalloped porch swing.

"I know she's nervous." He took a long slow breath, watching Leo chase Noah across the grass around the rose garden. "We're all nervous."

"How's it been?" She asked tilting her head towards him. "Being back."

"Weird." He swallowed hard, fussing with the sun shade on the twins stroller before settling back into the lawn chase.

"You miss that?" She chucked her finger towards the West Wing.

"Sometimes." He grinned.

"I can have Ziegler packed by dinner time." She told him flippantly.

"I said sometimes." He raised an eyebrow at her. "Not a Toby fan?"

"He's growing on me." She gave him a quick lopsided grin, before really looking at him. "Donna says your not sleeping." She told him quickly. Josh sniffed and looked back at the babies.

"Wow."

"Subtle transitions aren't my strong suite." She raised an eyebrow at him as he glanced back.

"No kidding?"

"She's worried."

"I.. " He rubbed his forehead absently. "Seriously..I.."

"Panic every time she walks out the door?"

"Something like that." He huffed. "DC is sort of a constant view of what I can't have anymore. And I don't feel safe here." He looked at the White House. "I mean.. I feel safe here."

"Hard not to. With all of the walls and guards and stuff." She glanced at the secret service. "It's over Josh."

"It'll never be over Ainsley." He shook his head slowly. "I can't help but feel like I'm a walking target here.Like my family's a-."

"It's DC Josh. It has to be one of the safest-."

"I was shot on the steps of the Capital Building." He sighed, turning to look at her.

"Things are different now. There is more security. You can't get anywhere near-."

"That's a good thing?"

"No it's a necessary thing."

"I used to walk home from here." He told her softly. "Almost daily for fifteen years. Nick and I would carry the kids through the snow."

"You like the new guy?" She gestured at his body guard, leaning haphazardly against he wall watching Joanie play in the sand box.

"He's fine." Truthfully, he didn't know the man's name and intended to keep it that way.

* * *

_Like you and the way that you're twisting your hair  
round your finger  
Tonight I'm not afraid to tell you  
What I feel about you.

* * *

_

**(The night Sam left DC)**

"Hey." He looked at her for a minute, her blonde hair swiped back off her sweaty face, one wayward strand rolled around her index finger.

"Sam."

"You should really make a play for my office." He told her undoing his tie and unbuttoning the first few buttons of his shirt as the steam pipe distribution venue filled with steam again.

"You'll be back Sam. A democrat will never win in that-."

"I'm not coming back." He interrupted, the sly grin slipping off of her face. "I'm not coming back."

"Why would you-?"

"I-. Don't say anything to.." He looked towards the door. "I haven't said anything to anyone."

"I don't understand. Sam you love this job. What's changed?" She asked breathlessly, shaking her head worriedly.

"Me?" He said softly. "Maybe me."

She watched him move from the visitors chair and sit on the edge of her desk facing her.

"Sam?"

"I just wanted to say goodbye."

"Goodbye?" She said softly, tilting her head to the side. He nodded his head, slipping down and pressing his mouth to hers. She stiffened for a second in shock before returning it, her hands coming up and wrapping around his shoulders, letting him deepen the kiss.

"So." He muttered pulling away from her, letting his fingers slip through her silky hair. "Goodbye." He nodded curtly, getting to his feet and moving out the door.

"Goodbye." She whispered to no one touching her lips with her thumb.

* * *

_I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have  
and cannon ball into the water  
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have  
For you I will  
For you I will_

* * *

(Present) 

"So. Another baby?" Kernel Conway turned towards the first lady.

"Um.. No." Ainsley laughed. "Paper gown is punishment enough."

The other woman nodded her eyes falling on the test results in front of her.

"So Leo's destined to be a-." Her eyebrows furrowed.

"Only child? Oh yeah. You think it'll stunt his emotional-?" She looked back at the other woman. "Karen?"

"Have you been on steroids lately?" She flipped back a few pages.

"Steroids? No I-."

"Nothing?" The woman set down the file and raised her hands to Ainsley's throat, moving her fingers along.

"Karen?" Her voice was small.

"I need to run some more tests Ma'am."

* * *

_Forgive me if I stutter  
From all of the clutter in my head  
Cuz I could fall asleep in those eyes  
Like a water bed_

* * *

**(After Sam wins his congressional election)**

"You won." Sam Seaborn rubbed his eyes in an attempt to determine if the woman in front of him was actually here. Of all of the faces he had imagined on the other side of his door at one am, hers had not made the list.

"I did." He muttered as she pushed past him into his apartment.

"You weren't supposed to win. You were supposed to loose and Josh was supposed to spend the rest of the week talking you into coming home." He smiled at her softly.

"One hundred days." She whispered.

"One hundred days?"

"The maximum days you could possibly be in Washington."

"You calculated the days?" His grin widened. She nodded her head.

"Seventy three." She said more to herself then to him.

"Days the average Congressmen spends in DC?" He guessed, nodding his head along with her.

"You weren't supposed to win." She mumbled, looking at him with eyes that told him everything he had ever wanted to know.

"Move to California with me." He told her quickly.

"You're ridiculous." She laughed weakly.

"You calculated days.'

"I calculated the days. Which obviously means that I have lost all my senses and will-."

"Move to California with me." He walked towards her slowly.

"You're turning into Josh." Moving his hand to her cheek, he turned her face up to him.

"I'm, in love with you and I want you to move to California with me." He told her firmly. She blinked at him. "Please."

"Well, since you said please.." She whispered, letting his lips close in on hers.

* * *

_Do I seem familiar, I've crossed you in hallways  
a thousand times, no more camouflage  
I want to be exposed, and not be afraid to fall._

* * *

**(A week ago)  
**

"You're home." She smiled as Ana pushed the stroller into the apartment followed by Josh.

"I am." He smiled pulling the lever that released the car seats from the stroller. "Johanna and Noah stayed in the East Wing." Ana lifted Nicholas out, Josh stretched out his arms.

"I'll take them up." Ana whispered.

"I can-."

"So can I." She muttered raising her eyebrow. He pressed his hands against the arms of the wheel chair. "Besides I have ulterior motives."

"You want the night." He smirked.

"I want the night." She grinned.

"I didn't have this much free time when I was Chief of Staff." He muttered looking at Donna. "What if I wanted to go dancing tonight?"

"We're in for the night." She smiled at Josh softly. "Have fun."

The other woman smiled like a teenager and moved past them with a baby seat dangling from each arm.

"So." Josh asked, pressing his hands against the arms of the chair and propelling himself upward.

"So?"

"How was it?"

"It was.." She sighed, biting the edge of her lip. "I'm pretty sure I could teach this class." She held up one of her text books. Governmental Policy as it Relates to Constitutional Law. Josh smiled at him wife. "After all I am married to the man who once made the law. Oh I'm sorry.. once was the law."

"I was trying to impress." He muttered with a sly grin at the memory.

"You were trying to save face."

"When you finish law school I'm going to remind you daily that you're not really a lawyer." He moved her text book off of the couch and sat down beside her. She grinned and settled back against his chest. "In front of hot women. On a regular basis."

"Yeah?"

"Yes."

"So.. These hot women you want to impress.."

"Stop."

"I'm just saying.."

"Hot women notice me. It's a curse."

"These hot women?" She turned her head to look at him. "Are they in little green uniforms asking if you need help crossing the street?"

"Those are Boy Scouts."

"Sexist."

"It's not my fault they don't-." He stopped and yawned.

"You need sleep." She tilted her head back up. He watched her look towards the the kitchen, her eyes falling on the bottles lined up on top of the microwave. "You… need…"

"Donna, I promise you I'll be out in ten minutes." He rubbed his head.

"You spent all day at the White House?"

"I like teasing myself with all the things I can't do anymore. I think tomorrow I'll sign up for tango lessons." His eyebrows shot up. "Or try out for Jeopardy."

"You still kick my ass at Jeopardy."

"You let me win."

"I do not."

"Yes you do. You don't listen to the question, you read it when the put it on the screen. You give me a head start."

"You still no more answers then me."

"If I can get them out of my brain."

"At least they're still in there."

"What good is a skill if you can't-?"

"You haven't lost any skills." She said in irritation. "They said you might never speak in complete sentences, I can't shut you up. They said you might never walk again. You only use the chair thirty percent of the time. They said you might be confused and frustrated and you are no more confused or frustrated then you have been since the day I met you."

He didn't say anything, just pressed his lips to her temple.

"You can do all the things you could before." She whispered, leaning her head back against his lips. "Slower sometimes, but Josh you can do it."

She turned to look at his face.

"You needed to slow down anyway." Her damp eyes twinkled at him.

"I love you."

"You should I'm amazing."

"I'm the medical marvel here Donnatella." He smirked.

"You want back in the game."

"I don't."

"You do. Your just afraid."

"I.."

"I think you should get back in the game."

"Really?"

"Really." She smiled at him.

"I'm scared." He told her holding her gaze. Her hand lifted to his face.

"I know." She cooed letting her fingers slip down his cheek.

"I don't want to be.."

"Your not."

".. the joke of DC."

"You're not."

"The guy who didn't know when to leave the party."

"Joshua."

"What if I can't walk out of here on my own next time?"

"Then I'll help you." She told him.

"I love you." He whispered again.

"I love you more."

* * *

_I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have  
And cannon ball into the water  
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have  
For you I will_

* * *

**(Present)**

"Hey."

"Mr. President."

"Don't start."

"Sir."

"Josh please I told you not to start. You've never done the whole 'Sir' crap before I-."

"I've never asked you for a job before." Josh interrupted, Sam's head snapped up. "Sir."

"You're kidding me."

"Consulting.. Special advisor. That's it Sam I mean it." He shook his head. "I have the twins and Donna's home at really weird times and I want to be there when she is and we're going back to the farm in May so-."

"I'll take it."

"I mean it Sam I'm not putting in sixteen hours a day. I can't do that anymore, you know that."

"I said I'd take it."

"It's not that I-."

"Josh." Sam raised his voice over his friend's. "I said I'll take it."

* * *

_You always want what you can't have  
But I've got to try  
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have  
For you I will_

* * *

**(Two days before the first Santos Inauguration.)**

Josh blew a puff of air out from between his lips and looked lazily around the room.

"As I said before, Ana will lead up your detail, and after the baby is born she'll also oversee the agent assigned to him or her."

"Thank you Ron." Donna murmured. She shot a grin at the other woman . The thin brunette nodded at her efficiently.

"Josh?" Lyman's eyes clicked up to Ron Butterfield. "This is David Thomas, Cliff Galvin, Tyrone Robbinson and Jeff Dwyer." Josh nodded curtly, shaking hands with each man. "This is Agent Nick Casnoff, he'll be heading up your detail." Lyman eyed the other man. He was tall and lean, with football player physique and model features. The kind of guy that dropped Sam from hot guy to mama's boy.

"Okay?" Ron looked from Josh to the other man, Lyman nodded. "Don't give him a hard time."

"What did you do to deserve this?" Josh asked cockily.

"I made some enemies early on Sir." Nick snarked. Donna giggled.

"Nick was at Roslyn, Josh." Ron said bluntly. "He knows the trouble you can get into and he was up for a challenge. ."

The left side of Josh's mouth turned up, he darted his eyes towards Ron. The other man was smiling at him, he turned back to Nick. He was not.

"Is he always this serious?"

"Nah. He's soft as a fuzzy duckling when you get to know him." Ron told him dryly. "Now. Behave or I'll replace him with a sign that says 'Please don't shoot me.'"

Butterfield gave a quick nod. Dismissing the detail, sans Ana and Nick. Lyman studied the man in front of him for a second before turning towards Donna's agent and sweeping his eyes over her.

"She looks like a soccer mom." He muttered to himself.

"Joshua."

"She's responsible for the safety and well being of my wife and child and she looks like she should be driving a Subaru in the Catholic School car pool lane."

"Ignore him." Donna told her new shadow.

"Yes Ma'am." The woman said simply.

"Cheeky. I like that." Josh muttered appraising the woman even more closely. "She's still so-.

"Josh shut up." Donna moaned running her hands across his back. "Lets assume- for a second, that Ron may know more about this than you do."

He scowled at her.

"Just for a second." She told him sweetly.

"Fine." He sighed running his hands through his hair. He looked at Ana again. Donna wandered over towards his desk and started gathering her things. "She means everything to me." He told the agent, with more than a hint of desperation in his voice. "Everything."

The woman's brown eyes softened momentarily, as she sucked in a quick breath.

"Yes Sir." She muttered nodding at him in understanding. He moved towards his wife and kissed her cheek.

"Have a good day." He whispered. "I'll see you at lunch."

She nodded at him, glancing at Ana with a nod as she made her way out of the office.

"I'm sorry… he's… been through a lot." She muttered, casting another look through the closing door at Agent Casnoff. "This guy? He's the best right?"

"Yes Ma'am." Ana whispered softly, fighting back an unusual and sudden wave of emotion. Rarely did she ever wish for a relationship, today she was wishing for one like this one.

* * *

_For you I will  
For you I will  
For you_

* * *

**(Present)**

"She took more blood, did a needle biopsy and asked if I were tired." Donna watched Ainsley pace the length of her office. "I'm the First Lady of the United States. I'm always tired. Am I more tired? I have no idea."

"But you feel fine." The other blonde soothed. "You feel fine."

"I-." She shot Donna a look. "What am I going to tell Sam?"

"What you just told me?" Donna furrowed her eyebrows.

"He has the UN thing this weekend." She bit her lip. "My kid's going to be an orphan."

"Ainsley!"

"She thinks I have cancer." Her southern accent reverberated around the room.

"She didn't say that."

"No, she stuck a needle in my neck and.." She smacked angrily at the tears on her cheeks. "My mother died of cancer. I was ten. My baby's not even-."

Donna got to her feet, grabbing her friend by the shoulders.

"She didn't say that."

"You'd get him out of here, right?" Ainsley looked at Donna pleadingly. "Leo. You'd take him to the farm? Let him play in the hay loft?"

"Ainse.." Donna breathed, tightening her grip on the woman.

"Promise me you'll…"

Donna nodded her head pulling her into a fierce hug.

"You'll be fine. You'll be fine."

They both jumped when the phone rang.

"Ma'am?" Came her assistants soft voice. "I have Kernel Conway on line one."

* * *

_If I could dim the lights in the mall  
And create a mood I would  
Shout out your name so it echos in every room  
I would_

* * *

**(Present)**

"Donnatella.." Josh laughed into the phone when she dialed the number. "Skipping class already?"

"Are you in the building?"

"I'm outside the Oval why?"

"I need you to tell Margaret to clear Sam." His wife's voice made him stop.

"What's-?"

"Tell Margaret, go back in and wait for us."

"Us?"

"Ainsley and I are coming over."

"What the hell?"

"Get the Sr. Staff in Toby's office and then meet us in the Oval."

"Donna?"

"Something's happened." She took a long choppy breath and he realized she was crying. "Something bad."

* * *

_That's what I'd do,  
That's what I'd do  
To get through to you_

* * *

**(Back in NH post Toby's vistit)**

"You have got to be freaking kidding me." Josh shook his head slowly at the television set.

"Behold the power of Pujols." Ana smirked at him.

"They're… They're…" He shook his head. "They're coming back in the ninth. They can't come back in the.."

"They're the freaking St. Louis Cardinals." She raised an eyebrow. "It's what we do."

"See see strike one." Ana shook her head slowly at him.

"Trust."

"Trust?"

"It's all about trust."

"It's about skill." Josh shook his head, pointing at the batter as he took another strike.

"See that's what's wrong with other teams. That's why we dominate. We play with our hearts, not our heads." She looked almost pitifully at Josh before looking back at the screen. _"Come on Baby. You can do this."_ Number 15 fouled it away. "Heart. Not head."

"Good thing I guess. Didn't this guy have like a major head trauma a few weeks ago?" Josh srcatched his brow, pointing accusingly at the screen.

"Not major." Ana laughed softly. "A bump really." She grinned at the man as he adjusted his bat, the smirk on his face made Josh nervous. "He's gonna hit it out."

"He won't do it." Josh didn't sound so sure. "No one hits a two run home run with two strikes in the ninth with two outs."

"He'll do it." Ana pressed her lips together. "He's Jim Edmunds."

"He's-." The bat cracked loudly.

"_Walk off home run Jim Edmunds_!" The announcers announced. "_The Cardinals are going to the World Series! The St. Louis Cardinals are the National League Champs for the sixth time in eight years! With his usual flare for the dramatic, Jimmy Edmunds touches them all."_

The crowd in St. Louis went insane. Josh looked at Ana.

"In Edmunds we trust." She winked at him. "Four/ Three. Your guys should be proud. Strong work." Her phone rang as she turned her teary eyes back to the screen and watched her team go crazy. "I told you." She whispered to the caller.

"Hi Toby." Josh yelled standing up and making his way out the door. "Bye Toby."

"Sore looser." Ana shot at him. "You really shouldn't be such a downer."

"This from the woman sleeping with Toby Ziegler." He called back.

* * *

I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have  
And cannon ball into the water  
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have  
For you I will

* * *

(Present) 

Sam Seaborn couldn't breathe. He starred at Abbey Bartlett like she was telling him she was from Jupiter, his dry mouth hanging partly open.

"You're sure it's cancer?" Josh was looking at the floor. Not at Sam, not at Abbey, at the floor.

"We'll do an Excisional biopsy tommorow to be sure." The Surgend General told Sam, turning her eyes to Kernal Karen Conway.

"But as Abbey told you." The other woman inturpted. "The results were conclusive."

"That means?" Sam whispered.

"It means I have cancer and I'm going to die." Ainsley said softly.

"Don't talk like that." Abbey reminded. "I'm here to answer.."

"Can we be alone please?" Sam blurted out softly. "Can I-?"

"Yes Sir." Karen looked at Abbey.

"Sam?" Ainsley asked slowly.

"I just-." He shook his head. "I need the room."

"We'll be-." Donna gestrued to Toby's door. Josh pulled her towards the outer office. Ainsley nodded.

Lyman looked over his shoulder one more time as he shut the door, watching Sam sink down onto the couch next to his wife. He pulled Donna around infront of him. Swallowing against the lump in his throat he pulled her tightly into him.

* * *

_You always want what you can't have  
But I've got to try  
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have_ _

* * *

_

**(Between HWGH and GBH, Donna's miscarrage)**

"I was supposed to meet her for lunch." Josh said absently as Sam pulled him up the stairs.

"Deanna found her on the floor of her office unconcious. They took her to GW."

"She.. was she?"

"She was breathing Josh, her blood pressure was way too low. They think she's bleeding internally." Josh ran his hands through his hair, turning quickly at the top of the steps and heading to the doors. Nick hurried to get in front of him. "Aisley said she'd call the second they knew anything from surgury. Annabeth is deflecting quiestions now. She's trying to decide who knows what-."

"Sam. I could really care less about-."

"Sorry I'll handle it." Nick opened the car door and the two men slid in infront of him. "Helen said she'd take care of Noah."

"Okay."

"Josh?"

"Yeah?"

"She's going to be alright."

"You don't know that."

"I do." Josh lifted his eyes to his best friend. "You need her to be and Donna always does what you need."

* * *

_For you I will  
For you I will_ _

* * *

_

**(Present)**

"Sam?"

"Yeah."

"How are you guys?"

"She's asleep."

"Sam I don't know what to-."

"Her mother died." Sam forced out. "Of cancer.."

"Sam, Abby's going to-."

"Yeah." He sighed.

"Let me get Donna.. she's better.."

"Josh?"

"Yeah?"

"I need her." Seaborn took a long slow breath. "I can't do anything with out-."

"Yeah." Josh turned his head and looked at his sleeping wife. "I know."

* * *

_For you I will  
For you I will  
_


	23. You

**A/N This isn't really the chapter I intended to write. It was supposed to be more Ainsley centered. What the hell can I say I'm a JD shipper. Ps. I can't spell. Thanks for catching my latest error. I'll fix it at some point.

* * *

****You

* * *

**

Nobody else could make me happy  
No one could hurt me like you do  
You were the only one that mattered

* * *

**(Present)**

He hung up the phone and looked at his wife.

"Donna.." He whispered moving her hair back from her sleeping face. "Baby?"

"Hum?" She moved towards him slipping her hand out from under the silky comforter.

"I need to go in."

"What's going on?"

"There's a thing. Toby says Sam's not focused. I-." His voice trailed off, and he pushed his hair back. "I need to go in."

"You okay?" She let her eyes open slowly. He snorted at her. "You're ready Josh."

"Kay."

"Joshua you're ready." She touched his face.

"Yeah." He kissed her hand, using the strap above the bed to pull himself up. Pausing a second as he dropped into his chair. She stared at him for a minute before pushing back the blankets and climbing out of the bed.

"Okay." She made her way into their closet and returned with his clothes. "I'm coming with you."

"You don't have to." He told her weakly.

"I'm gonna tell Ana." She whispered pulling her hair back as she wrestled on a sweater. Josh watched her make her way out the door.

"Donna?" He whispered after her, watching how she effortlessly spun on her heels. He loved this woman. "Thanks."

Her face broke into that toothy grin that made him remember just how young she'd been when she answered his phone in Nashua all those years ago.

"Shut up Josh." She chuckled swishing back towards Ana's room.

* * *

_Then you were gone...love had moved on  
Left me alone thinking of...  
You...there was never any other  
You...and I were created to be true

* * *

_

**(Nashua- in the beginning)**

"What do you mean she's gone?" Sam made a face.

"She went home." He tried to act like it was no big deal, he tried to act like his stomach didn't turn at the very thought of it.

"She won't let you go to the laundry mat by yourself and then she up and-."

"Sam." He flinched at the idea of the laundry mat. She was totally right about that, he'd shrunken four sweatshirts and turned one of his white suite shirts powder blue.

"What the hell are you going to do?"

"I don't know." He said trying to keep the unbelievable panic out of his voice and replace it with sarcasm. "I guess I'll have to go back to taking care of myself like I've somehow managed to do for the last twenty years. Seriously Sam."

"You okay?" Sam asked softly.

"Yeah." He sniffed, his voice coming out higher than expected.

"Josh.. She didn't.. I mean you two weren't-."

"Sam!" He turned around and glared at him.

"Just asking."

"Don't.. even.."

"Sorry." He watched Josh's face for a minute. "You miss her."

"Unbelievably." He muttered moving away from the desk and out the office door. Sam watched him go.

* * *

_Isn't it love that keeps us breathing  
Isn't it love were sent here for  
Wasn't that love that we were feeling  
(that was something baby)

* * *

**(Present)** _

"Hey Anise." Josh blew a long stream of air out of his lips. She'd had her first round of chemo that morning and it showed.

"Joshua. You know Matt used to call Sam the prodigal son." He watched her lean her head back against the chase lounge and tighten the bathrobe around her.

"He got that from Bartlett." Josh shot her a quick smile.

"Really?" She grinned, crossing her legs in the other direction. Josh tried to ignore how sick she'd managed to appear in such a short period of time. He nodded at her. "I just wanted you to know I'm celebrating your return Josh."

"Yeah?"

"I slaughtered a fattened calf."

"Nice."

"You like it well done right?"

"Donna doesn't let me eat red meat anymore." Josh laughed at her.

"What do you want?" She smiled. "You name it."

"Can you get me an office?" He raised an eyebrow, smirking at her.

"I hear the steam pipe distribution room might still be available." She smiled.

"I'll pass."

"Donna here?"

"She's working on a paper." Josh told her with a shake of the head he looked towards the stairs leading to the upstairs of the residence. "Is he ready?"

"Is he ever?" Her voice dipped serious for a second. Josh turned back to her. "Keep holding him together Josh. You're all that's holding him together."

* * *

_Deep in our soul...deeper than we know  
Keeping me holding out for  
You...there was never any question  
You'll be forever on my mind

* * *

**(Present)** _

"Here. Here." Ainsley reached out her hand and for the glass Donna was offering. She watched the water tremble.

"Shit." She breathed as Donna's hand wrapped tightly around hers.

"It's okay." She told her. "It's fine. Go slowly."

Abbey moved back into the bathroom sitting on the edge of the tub working the cap off of a pre-filled syringe.

"This'll help." Abbey soothed. Her body heaved again and she lurched towards the toilet. Donna pressed her hand against her forehead.

"Leo." She muttered breathlessly.

"Ana took them outside." Donna told her quickly.

Sam stuck his head through the door.

"I-.." He looked at Josh.

"Toby called again ." Lyman told him firmly. "They need you now."

"No fucking-.."

"Go!" His wife yelled before gagging again.

"I can't-." Sam rubbed his face. Josh reached in and clutched his bicep pulling him back towards the door.

"Come on." Josh whispered pulling him back from the doorway.

"Damn it Sam go!" Ainsley yelled.

"Mr. President!" Josh warned.

"Let go of me." Sam growled pushing past Josh and towards the door of the residence.

* * *

_You and i, we were meant to be together  
True hearts in a world where love is dyin

* * *

**(Present)** _

President Sam Seaborn stood in the doorway of his bedroom, watching his wife sleep for a few minutes before padding back out into the sitting room.

"Donna?" He put his hand on his best friends wife's shoulder. "Donna?" Her blue eyes drifted open. "Josh is waiting for you in the living room."

"Abby sedated her." She whispered.

"Okay." He watched Donna slip off of the couch, smoothing out the pink and yellow sweats she was wearing.

"She's coming back at four to check on her."

"Yeah." Sam rubbed his head with his palm. "Okay."

"North Korea?"

"Quiet."

"Okay." She stood in front of him for a minute. "Leo went with Ana."

He nodded, breaking eye contact and looking down at the floor. Donna moved forward and wrapped her arms securely around him. His body tensed for a second before he melted into her arms with a tight sob. Donna brought her hand to his neck.

Josh Lyman had wandered up the stairs. He leaned against the wall and waited silently as his wife broke away from the leader of the free world, watching him make his way to his bedroom. Her strength wavered when she turned and saw him there.

Ankles crossed in a diagonal line, suit coat dangling from his fist, and his tie loosened to the third button. He looked alive.

She crossed the room quickly, he straightened up as she got closer wrapping his arms around her.

* * *

And I might as well have been dyin when  
We were apart  
When you came back I felt the beating of my heart

* * *

**(Nashua, April)**

She watched him from a chair by the door, Margaret had given her a quick reassuring smile. He dropped more files on her desk, rubbing his hands over his face and yelling at someone about something.

"Shut up Josh." CJ yelled tossing what ever she had in her hand at him.

"Can't anyone just take a minute too.." His eyes fell on her standing there, she couldn't help but smile at the look of relief on his face. "Thank God, there's a pile of stuff on the desk."

She nodded at him and reaching to he left and pulling the crutches towards her. He stopped halfway through the door, sticking the top part of his body back to look at her.

"Your hurt?" His eyes studied her.

"I'm fine." She said, her eyes on the pile of files. "I sprained my ankle it's fine."

"You sure?"

"I'm sure."

"Cause this'll.." He gestured wildly sending half the files to the floor. "..wait.." He starred at the fallen papers wincing.

"It's fine." She reached down from her chair and gathered them back up. "It's fine Josh."

"Okay.." She smiled at how unsure she sounded, meandering back into his office. She turned towards him with a soft smile. Why again had she left this man?

"I've.." Josh wandered out of the office again. "I'm heading over to the site." He set a diet soda on the corner of her desk. She looked at it like it was a diamond ring. He still had her favorite soda in his office? Who was this man and why had she ever-?

"Donna?" Her face snapped up to his.

"Thank you." She nodded at the soda.

"Sure." He grinned at her and made his way out the door.

* * *

_You...there was never any question  
You'll be forever on my mind

* * *

_

**(Present)**

"No."

"Toby can't do this. Kate can't do this. You are the President of the United States and you have to-."

"No."

"Sam!"

"Josh I'm not going to-. Send Will."

"You have a relationship with this man. You've known him for almost twenty years Sam. You are the guy-."

"You go."

"Sam."

"You've known him just as long as.."

"Sam you are the-."

"My wife's dying." He held Josh's eyes. "She's dying."

"Sam.."

"You go."

"I can't.." Josh ran his hand through his hair. "Sam I can't."

"You can." Sam shook his head. "You've always handled Ha-Neul."

"I'm not the same guy that I was-."

"When are you going to stop hiding and get off your ass and back in the game?"

"He can't go alone." Donna called from the doorway, both men jumped. "He still has deficits Sam. He.. Can't go alone."

* * *

You and i, we were meant to be together  
You...and only you

* * *

**(Present-North Korean Hotel Suite)**

"Jin." Josh got to his feet to shake hands with the North Korean representative. Jin Ha-Neul bowed slightly.

"It's good to see you Josh." He nodded briskly. "I was surprised it was to be you."

"So was I." Josh told him smiling. The door opened slowly and his smile widened. "You remember my assistant?"

"Donna.." Jin Ha-Neul shot her a puzzled smile. "I am also surprised to see you as well."

"Ambassador Ha-Neul." She made her way towards her husband, sitting beside him and pulling open her lap top. "Should we get started?" She turned towards Josh with a determined look on her face.

He smirked at her. Maybe this wouldn't be so hard after all.

* * *

It was you...only you  
You...always you


	24. Good Riddence

A/N Okay so the wrong guy was the hero in my Mets v Cards game seven. Change it to Yadiar Molina in your mind. :) but who freakn' cares cause we won the world series.. :) I know that I'm frustrating the sam and ansiley people.. first by not writing much for her then by killing her off.. Sorry.. really I am. The reason I don't write more for them is because I'm not really comfortable with them. My one goal in fan fiction is to stay true to character. I dont' care how crazy or absurd my plot line is as long as my characters stay true to who they are. And quiet frankly I don't think I can do Sam and Ainsley justice. Josh and Donna... I feel them.. I hear them in my head. CJ her frustration emits from my keyboard. Sam Sam is Sam.. but ainsley is an anomaly to me. I'll try my best in these next few chapters.. but.. don't get mad if I end up sticking to what I know... in other words.. running back to Josh and Donna.

Besides face it.. it's a JD story..

Love ya! Lori

* * *

****

Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)

* * *

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road  
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go

* * *

(Present)

"From my understanding she's terminal Greg. I think it's time for the President to step down and-."

"Stop right there! Stop right there! That's ridiculous. His wife has cancer so he should quit his job? That may be the stupidest-."

"Greg does have a point here Howard. If a construction worker, or lawyer or heart surgeon's wife is dying of cancer none of us would suggest that he quit his job." Chris Mathews yelled over the pundits.

"Even Jed Bartlett had the mental capacity to bow out when family matters became the story."

****

"Because he was afraid he'd bomb the country who'd kidnapped his daughter! I don't think that President Seaborn will be hastily launching the Nukes at Cancer anytime soon!"

* * *

Charlie Young pressed his finger down firmly on the remote before turning to face the President in question.

"I was watching that."

"Yes.. you were watching it. Now you're not." He said flippantly.

"They're already pulling out the impaired mental capacity card."

"Yes, next time they'll have found a way to make this a scandal and they'll pull out the 'liar liar pants on fire' card. It's a media cycle. Josh warned you. Danny warned you. Carol warned-. "

"Yeah."

"-you. And it was decided that you would not watch it."

"I'm the President." He muttered picking up the remote and turning back towards the TV.

"Don't make me call Donna." Charlie raised an eyebrow with the threat.

"That doesn't work on me." Charlie picked up the phone dramatically.

"Margaret can you get me-?" Sam lunged towards the speaker phone button.

"Never mind Margaret!" He said almost frantically. Charlie snorted, shaking his head slowly.

"Don't call Donna." He muttered handing the remote back to his Deputy COS.

* * *

So make the best of this test, and don't ask why  
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

* * *

(Present)

"Josh Lyman's office?"

"Wow." CJ quipped. "Déjà vu."

"Oh how the mighty have fallen." Donna sighed.

"It sounds oddly right." The other woman admitted.

"Oh God CJ it feel's oddly right." Donna admitted.

"How's North Korea?"

"Still standing."

"I've come to ride to your rescue."

"You're sure?"

"Danny and I are up to it. I promise."

"CJ honestly you're a life saver." Donna sighed again dropping down into her new chair.

"You want me to come and get them?"

"Ana can drop them off. Are you sure?"

"Donna there two little babies." CJ laughed.

"We don't know how long we'll be." Donna twisted the phone around her finger.

"It's fine."

"It's just Sam really needs Charlie. Abby's staying with Ainsley and it seemed ridiculous for Zoey to hire a caregiver for David so that she could watch my kids. Ana's really needing to be present for Leo. Toby's already overwhelmed by Joanie and Noah, with the twins heaped on top of-."

"It's okay Donna.."

"It's not. I shouldn't have left him." Donna breathed.

"Nicholas?"

"No Nick's fine.." She raked her fingers through her hair.

"Leo?"

"Leo."

"Oh Donna."

"We thought about taking him with us, but Josh thought he should be there incase-."

"Yeah." CJ didn't want to hear her finish that sentence anymore than she wanted to. "How is he taking it?"

"He doesn't understand." The red light went out on the phone and Donna looked up towards the door to her husbands office. "CJ I have to go. Josh is done with his meeting."

"So I should call Ana?"

"Sounds good." Donna sighed. "Ana can go over everything with you."

"They'll be fine."

"I know. I know." She took a deep breath.

"Doonnnnaa!" Josh bellowed from the outter suiet.

"I have to go." Donna said quickly

"Wow."

"I know."

"Donnatella I need the-."

"Bye." She breathed. "I have it!" CJ heard her yell back at Josh as the receiver hit the cradle.

* * *

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.  
I hope you had the time of your life.

* * *

(After Ana's suicide attempt.)

"Josh?" Donna's panicked voice cut through the light sleep he'd fallen into.

"I'm alright." He muttered, she smoothed her hand across his cheek before glancing at Toby who nodded silently in confirmation.

Donna glanced towards the door wordlessly.

"She-?"

"She's alright now. She'd been drinking Donna. A lot."

"That doesn't mean.."

"I know. I just don't think that if she hadn't been-. I don't think she would have actually tried to-."

"Oh my God this isn't happening." She looked at the door again.

"I'm going to call and check on the kids." He muttered pulling her hand to his mouth and kissing her fingers before wheeling away.

Donna looked at Toby.

"He's alright." Ziegler told her. She nodded at him before looking back at the door.

"I was worried about Sam." She confessed.

"What?"

"Since the shooting." Donna continued dropping into a chair. "All this time I've been worrying about Sam and right in front of my face one of the people closest to me was-."

"She's a secret service agent. She's meant to be invisible." Toby shrugged.

"She's my friend and her husband just died." Donna shook he head.

"And your's got shot in the head." He told her in an attempt to ease her guilty expression.

"So you think I would have known how she was feeling." Donna countered. She looked back towards the hallway, watching Josh talk on the hospital phone. "I should have seen her."

* * *

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind  
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time  
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial  
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

* * *

(Present)

"Ainse?"

"I'm out here." He followed the sound of her voice to the patio, stilling as he caught sight of her. Her messy hair pulled up in a makeshift bun on top of her head, photo's spilled out before her on the bottom half of the lounge chair. "Hi."

"What's all this?" He asked quietly pressing a gentle kiss to the crown of her head.

"Pictures." She told him with a sly grin. "Mr. President."

"I've heard of these." He raised his eyebrows and sat in the chair beside her. "Don't these usually involve a frozen handshake and a fake smile in the Oval Office?"

"Not in the real world, no." She brushed her hand across the stacks until she found the right pile. "Look."

"Christ who took this?" He studied the picture of the two of them on Capital Beat. Sam slightly disheveled and thoroughly embarrassed at her matter-of-fact grin.

"It was a screen cap. Someone on the web sent it to me after we announced our engagement."

"We should have made this our official engagement photo." He teased.

"That's what Josh said!"

"He called?"

"He was telling me Ana was on her way to pick up the kids." She broke off eye contact and eased her body against the chair back.

"Leo too?" She nodded slowly. "Ainsley?"

"It's what's best for him Sam." She whispered. "He needs to get used to.." Her words got faint and she turned her head in the other direction. Seaborn swallowed, creeping off of his chair and sitting on the edge of hers. She shook her head, wiping the tears off her face quickly before pointing to the small plaid photo album. "Help me."

"What're you doing?" He breathed, letting his fingers curl around her thin wrist as he asked.

"I'm making albums. One for each of the White Houses we've served in, one of our life in California and one of Leo's life, our family." She was smiling again.

"These are beautiful." Sam brushed his free hand over the books in front of him, his eyes falling on an old black and white photo. "Is this you and your mom?"

His wife nodded, reaching up and touching the photo softly.

"Promise me something?"

He hardly heard her when she spoke.

"Honey?"

"Promise me you won't cry when you talk to him about me." Sam felt his mouth slip open, he tried not to cry now.

"Ainsley."

"My dad," she ran her tongue against her chapped lips. "He couldn't even look at her picture without-." He brought his hand up and touched it to her cheek. "After a while you just stop asking." The First Lady moved her hand to her husbands and met his eyes with her own. "He'll have Donna, and she'll be wonderful.. but I don't want him to stop asking."

* * *

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.  
I hope you had the time of your life.

* * *

(Nine years ago)

"I'm so sorry I'm late." Deputy Chief of Staff Sam Seaborn came to a grinding halt, dropping down into a chair in front of his wife.

"There is apparently a lot of that going around." She huffed.

"What did you need to talk about?"

"Kids."

"Kids?" He cocked his head to the left. "If you have a cause you should take it up with Donna, she and Helen are working really hard on-."

"No.. less globally more locally."

"Like kids in DC?" He reached across the table and grabbed a tomato from her salad.

"Like kids at this table." Sam looked at the two empty chairs with raised eyebrows. "I don't have the flu."

"Ainse? Do you see kids here that I-?" She rolled her eyes and tossed few pieces of paper at him. He pulled them up, examining each one. "What am I seeing here?"

"Your child." She told him flatly. "I'm nine weeks pregnant."

"It's not the flu?"

"Nope."

"So this out of focus gray blob is-?"

"Your son or daughter."

"Okay then." The strip of paper came loose from his fingers and floated on to the table, despite a somewhat frantic effort by Sam. "I already dropped him."

"He'll be okay." Ainsley said softly. "So?" Sam was still staring at the undecipherable photo. "Kids?"

"I.. I like kids." He whispered softly.

"Okay then." She muttered biting her lip as his hand slid across the table to find hers.

* * *

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.  
I hope you had the time of your life.

* * *

(A week ago.)

"Uncle Josh?" Leo exclaimed frantically bringing the phone to his ear. Sam paused for a second.

"No Buddy it's Dad."

"Oh.." The boy tried to hide his disappointment.

"You expecting Uncle Josh to call?"

"He said he'd call when they got to Korea." Leo told him. "He told me he'd bring me back something."

"Yeah?"

"First he told me he'd bring me back a 'peace treaty we all could live with' but then Aunt Donna said he'd bring me and Noah back Hanboks. They're like Ninjia suits."

"Really?"

"That's what Noah says."

"Then it must be true."

"Dad?"

"Leo?"

"When.. um.. when..-?" Sam swallowed hard braceing himself for the hard questions. The ones that Donna usually fielded. The ones that stopped him and Josh in there tracks. The ones' they all bent over backwards to keep Ainsley from hearing.

"If.." Sam offered half heartedly. He knew it was 'when' and so did Leo.

"Am I going to live here all the time?" His son finished.

Sam bit his tongue to keep from shouting no. No, he wasn't going to loose his son too.

"Would you like that?" He asked evenly.

"Maybe." Leo weighed his options in his head. "Would you be here?"

"I have to live in the White House Buddy."

"Forever?"

"Not forever." Two years two hundred four days. Sam thought softly.

"Can Aunt Donna live there with us?"

"Aunt Donna lives with Uncle-."

"Him too. Him too." His son hushed dismissively in a tone that rivaled his mothers.

"I don't know Leo.. I don't-."

"I know. You don't like to think about it." The irritation was not lost on Sam even before he heard him add with a grumble. "I'll talk to Aunt Donna."

"You want someone to bring you back here tonight?"

"Is Mom sleeping?"

"Yes."

"I'll stay with Noah and Joanie." Sam nodded to no one. "Night Dad."

"Goodnight Leo."

* * *

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.  
I hope you had the time of your life.


	25. I take you with me

I take you with me.

* * *

Past the devil's own temptation  
Beyond where angels sleep

* * *

(Present)

"Is Leo here?" Josh asked as Donna slipped her arms around him the second he'd set foot in the residence.

"He just left with Ana." She murmured.

"I'm sorry I took so long." He breathed into her hair.

"How was McCafree?"

"He's still on the fence." Josh pressed his lips against the thin line where her hair met her forehead. "How's Sam?"

Donna shook her head slowly, melting back against him. The door opened quietly and Abby moved into the room.

"How is she?" Donna asked, spinning around in Josh's embrace.

"If she still wants to go to the farm we should leave today." She told them solemnly. Donna nodded, pulling up the hand she had clasped with Josh's and kissing it before letting go and starting to the phone.

"How's Sam?" Josh asked, his mouth unmoving as his eyes darted towards the bedroom.

"I have no idea." Dr. Bartlett shook her head slowly.

"Yes you do. _You_ do." Josh told her softly.

"How would you be?" She smiled sadly. Josh turned his head to face his wife.

Donna was leaning against the back of the couch with the phone to her ear, her hair tied back from her blotchy face. He brushed at his own cheeks absently when he saw the tears pooled in her blue eyes.

Abby patted his arm and cocked her head towards the bedroom before pulling out her own phone.

Lyman opened the door slowly his eyes falling first on the slow movements of Ainsley's chest as it rose and fell. He scanned his eyes to her pale arm, up the IV tubing and back down the poll until he allowed himself to look at his best friend.

"Uh.." Seaborn sat up a little sniffing loudly, never breaking his gaze from his clasped hands. "Abby says we should leave for New Hampshire."

"Donna's on it." Josh breathed.

"Yeah." Sam swallowed hard. "Ana took Leo to-?"

"He's fine."

Seaborn nodded sharply.

"I should call-."

"Donna's going to take care of all that Sam." Lyman sighed.

Sam nodded again before his head bobbed down to his chest in a quiet sob. Josh froze for a second before moving towards him. He put his hand on the side of the other man's head and pulled him against the his side.

Lyman pinched the bridge of his nose and blinked rapidly before dropping his other hand to the top of Sam's head and waiting him out.

* * *

To the holy invocation  
Of a neon city street

* * *

(After Getting Back There)

"I seriously thought you were kidding."

"You seriously didn't."

"I thought it was the ravings of a drunken man. I never thought-."

"You thought." Seaborn sighed.

"Sam!" Ainsley stomped her foot.

"Yes?" He turned towards her, file in hand and waited.

She fidgeted with the button's of her sweater before rolling her eyes at him and tossing her head back.

"Ready?" Josh asked pushing through the small back stage corridor towards the exit.

"My wife's trying to talk me out of it."

"Now?" Josh squeaked.

"Not really." He told him in a fake whisper. "It's a little game we play."

"To each his own.." Josh said distractedly before adjusting his tie.

Donna was standing at the front of the walk way when they reached it. She adjusted Josh's tie again.

"Hold still." She admonished as he tried to wiggle around enough to see the notes in his hand.

"Here." Charlie muttered moving in between Sam and Josh and handing the Deputy Chief of Staff his note cards.

"Where's the President?" Josh asked breathlessly as Donna's hands fell away.

"He's finishing up with Will on the phone."

"Okay.."

"Sam seriously.." Ainsley whispered nervously.

"Seriously?" He turned and looked at her pointedly. She rolled her eyes at him. "Yeah okay."

"Can we firm up this decision before we walk out there? Because we'd look pretty stupid if-." Josh moaned.

"…So it is my privilege to introduce you to my dear friend. Our future President, Sam Seaborn." CJ's voice boomed into the small waiting area, followed by _The City of New Orleans_ by Steve Goodman Riding. They all took turns hugging CJ and shaking hands with elected officials on the stage. Sam felt Josh's hand on his back pushing him ahead of them as he took his place at the podium.

"My name is Sam Seaborn and I am here to announce my candidacy for President of the United States of America.."

"And so it begins." Josh whispered softly to his wife, casting a look at Ainsley who was smiling proudly at her husband.

* * *

I feel your hand I hold you  
Through your eyes I see

* * *

(New Hampshire, Present)

"Sir?" Ainsley blinked at the former President.

"Hello Dear." He grinned at the woman, taking her hand and pulling her further towards him.

"Hey Kid." McGarry gave her a gentle hug. "Come with us."

"But Leo.." She turned her head back around.

"It's time." McGarry urged. Ainsley watched Abby press her stethoscope to her body and look at Donna. Sam had already lurched away from the bed and was sitting in a chair against the wall. Josh put his hand on his friends shoulder supportively as his own eyes slipped down to stare at his shoes.

"Come on Dear."

She watched Donna pick up her sleeping son from the edge of the bed before moving to the chez lounge in the corner and settling the boy on her own lap.

"He'll be alright." Leo told her softly smiling at his little namesake. "Your mothers waiting for you."

"My mother?" Jed smiled at the childlike wonder in her voice, casting one last look towards the wavering scene playing it's self out in slow motion before them. He kissed his hand, extending it towards them before taking a few quick steps after Leo and Ainsley.

* * *

My love wherever I go  
I take you with me Down the road of my desires  
To the oceans of my peace

* * *

(Eight years ago)

After the first epidural ended up numbing only her left side, and the second not working at all, she'd opted for the Demerol.

After the Demerol stopped being effective at about eight centimeters, she'd started throwing it up anyway.

After three hours of pushing and about half a centimeter of movement on behalf of Baby Seaborn, they'd wheeled her into the OR.

After their third attempt at a Spinal they'd decided to put her under for the c-section.

Disconcerting enough was the way she was sprawled out on the table like a lowercase 't' it was even worse now knowing she'd be unconscious.

"I could try one more time." She begged looking up at Sam as if the decision were his to make.

"Ainsley." Sam sighed. This had been her mantra today.

Let me try one more time...

"Sam really."

She'd cried each time they'd jabbed the needle into her back. Sam almost fainted each time they jabbed the needle into her back.

She was exhausted and pale from pain and pushing.

"Sam please."

"Deep breaths Mrs. Seaborn." The anesthesiologist whispered.

"Saaa-."

The room was really still. Movements slow and fluid. She heard him crying, tilting her head to the right. Leo McGarry stood over a squalling infant.

"_There you go. There you are tough guy_." He cooed.

"Leo?"

"He's beautiful Ainsley."

"Is he okay?"

"He's perfect Kid." McGarry winked at her, moving slowly towards her with the baby._ "Perfect. Has to be one of the best birthday presents I've ever received."_

McGarry winked at her, moving slowly towards her with the baby.

_

* * *

Through the fueling of my fires  
Until my yearnings cease

* * *

_

Through the fueling of my firesUntil my yearnings ceaseThrough the fueling of my firesUntil my yearnings ceaseThrough the fueling of my firesUntil my yearnings cease

"I have to tell you Frank. If anyone would have asked me three years ago what it would take to get Josh Lyman moved into the residence of the white house, my answer would not have been a deathbed promise to a southern republican."

"I agree with you Graham, it's an interesting chain of events. But if you think for a second that Josh Lyman is going to lay back and play Mr. Mom while his wife and best friend run the country you have got another thing coming."

"We know who'll be leading the dinner table discussions in this non traditional first family and it will not be the grieving president."

Josh shook his head as Donna walked by the television and flipped it off. He looked back at the baby food mess glued to the front of the highchairs, sweeping at it with the sponge in vain.

"Show's what they know." Donna whispered as he squirted at the mess with Clorox.

"Everybody settled in?"

"As settled as we're going to get tonight." She sighed dropping into the chair nearest to him. He kissed the top of her head.

"You're the First Lady." Josh shook his head before finally winning out over the greasy mess the twins had made and discarding the sponge.

"Oh Christ why am I so stupid?" She moaned rubbing her hands over her face. "I have five children. One of whom just lost his mother and two of which are eighteen month old twins! I am First Freaking Lady to the always reluctant and now grief ridden President Seaborn . To whom I have been farmed out to, out of some warped sense of misplaced duty by my.. My.."

"Brain damaged, handicap-able idiot of a house husband?" Josh muttered raising his eyebrows comically as he rolled the high chairs back against the wall.

"You said it." Donna whimpered.

"You should have spoken up. I would have been First Lady." He teased sitting down beside her and taking her hand. He pressed his lips to her palm and waited.

"They're all curled up in there on the bed." Donna said slowly, moving her eyes across the table. "Sam's got himself looped around Leo like someone's going to come in and take him."

Josh's head bobbed down and he kissed the back of her hand before lifting her chin.

"Our friends.. Keep loosing.." She looked away. He pulled her face back. "Annabeth, Abbey, Ana.. Now Sam.." She pulled her hand from Josh's and cupped his cheek. "You and I just survive disaster after disaster…" Josh smiled sweetly at her and brushed the tears from her eyes. " '_Oh God poor Josh and Donna.' 'It's one thing after another for them.' 'It's like they're cursed._'" His lips quirked up in a smile. "We're cursed?"

"You maybe-." He grinned. "I think I got a pretty plush deal."

"Josh." She tried to stay pouty but his smile was contagious.

"Health and Strength.." He whispered pressing his forehead against hers.

"Health and Strength.." She murmured as he drug her across the floor and onto his lap on the sofa.

* * *

I hear your voice I know you  
In your arms I sleep

* * *

(Two weeks before her death)

He'd been unnaturally quiet sneaking into the room and getting into the bed. Sam wrapped his arms loosely around his wife's tiny body and closed his eyes. He was almost asleep when she took a staggered breath. He loosened his grip on her immediately.

"Did I hurt you?" He asked quickly.

"No. You just surprised me." She whispered. "It's early."

"It's one am." He snickered.

"Early."

"Not for normal people." He muttered.

"Who wants to be normal?" She sighed, turning slowly under his arm to face him.

"Today? Me." He breathed. Ainsley smiled at him. "Not you?"

"Not every girl gets to be First Lady Sam."

"True." He let his eyes slip closed. "You are the First Lady, adored by fans."

"I want to go to New Hampshire."

"Huh?" Sam's eyes slipped back open.

"I.. don't want to... I want to.. " He felt her take a deep breath and steel herself up for what she was about to say. "I don't want to die here with nine hundred people lined up outside the gate with flowers and teddy bears singing Kumbaya and holding candles." She waited for him to absorb what she was saying. "If we go to California. It will be the same thing only we might know three hundred or so of the nine hundred gawkers. I swear Sam it's like Gaper block. I want it to be.. peaceful.. for you and Leo.."

He pressed his lips together and tried to think of a way out of it. A way not to make a promise about death.

"Sam?" She prompted slowly.

"Okay." He whispered back.

* * *

My love wherever I go  
I take you with me

* * *

****

(Present)

He froze for a minute when he saw how tired she looked, her head dropped onto the back of the couch, her red rimmed eyes shut beneath her wrinkled eyebrows.

For a moment, he considered pulling the comforter from the trunk and wrapping them up in it for the night. Then he remembered they were in the White House Residence now and she was the First Lady of the United States.

"Donna?"

"What do you need?" She said a little too quickly, moving to stand before her eyes had even had a chance to open.

He reached out and grabbed her when she swayed unsteadily on her feet, dropping them both back onto the couch.

"Hey."

"What's wrong?" She turned her head sharply from left to right.

"Hey." He breathed quietly stroking her hair with one arm and squeezing her hand with the other. "Donnatella everything's fine. Everything's fine."

"Oh." She said simply rubbing her hand against her face and holding it there for a second.

"You need sleep."

"Are the babies.."

"Down for the night. Ana's on call with them tonight." He told her hauling her back to her feet and pulling her towards their bedroom doors. "Deanna's going to take the kids to school in the morning. Your schedule is clear till two." He reported. "Come to bed."

"Noah's mad?"

"Noah's twelve."

"Josh.."

"He's twelve and he doesn't get a say in this, because he's twelve. And it pisses him off, because he's twelve."

"I messed up his whole-."

"Shh.." He pushed her through the last door and moved her to the bed. "Stop."

"Okay." She let him pull back the covers and tuck her in before starting back towards the door. "Where are you-?"

"I'm gonna check on Sam."

"Kay." She dropped her head back against the pillows. "Josh?"

"I'll be right back."

"I.. just need you to.."

"I'll be right back."

"Okay.."

* * *

_Even though I've fed my hunger  
Even though I've named my fear_ _

* * *

_

(Three months ago)

"Toby." She was pretty sure the blur that flung itself though the door connecting the COS office to the Oval.

"Ma'am." He glanced up, his eyes wide in surprise.

"We've had this conversation Toby." She looked at her fingernails calmly as he figgeted with some things on the desk.

"What?" Toby moved quickly around the oval office. "Oh.. Abby."

"Thank you." She dipped her eyes down to the stack of files in his hands then back up to his lost expression. "Josh's still out of the office?"

"Yeah.. Till Friday." He pressed his toungue against the inside of his cheek. "MARG-!"

"You shouldn't do that." The red headded woman muttered from the doorway.

"Ah!" Toby jumped when he saw her.

"I could have heads of state out there." She shook her head, gathering the folders and replacing them with the right one.

"You're like a freaking cat."

"Stealthy." Abby muttered. "Leo called her stealthy."

"Ma'-." The former first lady raised an eyebrow in protest at the executive secretarys' greeting. "Abby." She looked at her watch. "He's late."

"Yes."

"We're behind schedule."

"Yes."

"We're always behind-."

"Yes."

"Abby." The first Lady breezed into the room, undoing the long silk scarf she had wrapped around her short choppy hair.

"Ainsley my darling you look wonderful."

"Thank you." She smoothed her hand over her head. "It's getting longer."

"You're ready for this?" Abby whispered taking her by the shoulders.

"I am." She grinned.

"And you want to do it here?"

"Does it matter where?"

"He's back." Margaret stuck her head into the office.

"Sir Mrs. Bartlett and the First Lady are waiting in your office."

"Now?" Ainsley practically heard the soles of his shoes screach to a halt.

"Yes Sir."

"And I'm free now?"

"You're done for the day, Sir." Toby whispered.

"You're in on this?"

"Sam." Ainsley walked towards the door and pulled him into the room.

"This is why Josh and Donna went to Wisconsin?"

"Yes Sam. Fifty years ago Donna's parents picked this week to get married so that your best friend would havea good excuse not to be here for this conversation."

"I don't get a say in this?"

"Sam, we've discussed it."

"Abby?" He flopped his arms towards Mrs. Bartlett. "You said.. you said it was too early for that."

"Sam.. the latest tests haven't shown us the improvement that we would have liked to-."

"It's in my lungs Sam." Ainsley interupted. "It's in my lymphnoids and probably in my brain."

"You tell me this now?" He gestured to the office."Here?"

"I'm going to step out." Abby told them quickly. Ainsley nodded.

"You're.. telling ...m-me-?" He shook his head frantically.

"Sam sit down." She reached for him and he dropped onto the couch, his head still shaking slowly. "I didn't want Leo to hear you." She whispered. "I wanted you to remember that you were the President of the United States and you have to remember that.. but mostly I didn't want Leo to..."

She took a long staggered breath, dropping her gaze to her folded hands. He rocked forward on the couch and clapping his hands down against her shoulders. She started to cry as he pulled her back into him.

"You're sure?"

"I'm stopping treatment Sam. It's over."

* * *

_I'll never understand it  
How the journey led me here __But I have made a promise __That I intend to keep _**

* * *

**

(Present)

He was sitting on the end of the bed starring at the wall, his hands loosly gripping the picture frame.

"Sam?"

"I'm a cliché." The president sighed, his head bobbing down towards his chest. "Toby's accused me of using too many and now I've become one." He held up the photo for Josh to see. "I'm sitting in the dark starring at her picture."

"And?" Sam rubbed his hand through his hair. "I've done worse while Donna was on a trip." He shook his head. "You're doing fine Sam."

"Josh.. Let me assure you this is.." He looked towards the mirror, breaking eye contact with himself and glancing back at the object of his desire. "No where near fine."

"Sam."

"It's not even in the same realm as fine."

"Sam."

"You can't see fine on a map from-."

"Yeah okay, the cliché's are back."

"Yeah."

"I suck at this." Lyman dropped into a cream colored chair by the door. "Donna should be doing this. I-."

"You really don't." Sam told him honestly, turning half way around to face him. "You really don't." The two men starred at each other for a moment. "You're holding it all together Josh, the country the office, my family. You're-.

"Returning the favor." Josh whispered. "I'm returning the favor Sam."

"I don't know what to do." Lyman held his breath for a second, steadying himself before speaking.

"We'll figure it out together."

He didn't know how long they sat there in silence before Josh muttered Goodnight and wandered back into his bedroom.

Leaning against the door way, he watched her body rise and fall with haggard breaths. She raked the heal of her hand across her face and through the messy mats of blonde hair clinging to her temple. Donna caught him watching out of the corner of her eye and made an attempt to stop crying. She watched him watch her for a second before lifting the front of the comforter for him.

He crossed the room and joined her on the bed, wrapping his arms tightly around her small form.

"We'll figure it out together."

* * *

_Down the road of my desires  
To the oceans of my peace _

My love wherever I go  
I take you with me


	26. Move Along

**A/N This chapter took forever. I hope you like it.

* * *

**

**Move Along

* * *

**

_Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking  
When you fall everyone stands

* * *

_

**(Diagnosis day)**

Donna jumped slightly when her cell phone started to vibrate. The young man next to her narrowed his eyebrows at her questioningly. They all hated her, she had an edge that the rest of them didn't have.

Making it to the top three was how you got ahead. How you got into the right classes, how you got the right cases. There was no way in hell that Donna Lyman was not going to get into the top three.

Her cell phone moved again. She bit the edge of her pen and waited, horrible images running across her mind.

If it were bad, someone would have just walked over. Charlie would have sent an assistant. If one of the children-. Or Josh-. Okay.. she had to stop. Her professor started in on the assignment due next class. Donna clasped her hands together and pressed them tightly against her lap.

Maybe it was a national emergency, maybe it was North Korea.

It was North Korea and she was sitting in a government ethics class the made her laugh almost daily because the secret official government code of ethics was nothing like this class. But anyway.. Yes. North Korea was bombing Japan at this very moment. Half of the US Naval fleet was being destroyed. That had to be it. She pressed her lips together and tried to remember everything she could about North Korea, her mind tabulating loss ratio's and gathering hypothetical files.

"See you Thursday." Some part of her brain heard the man speak. She rocketed from her seat and grabbed her phone from her pocket, hitting redial with out checking the message.

"Donna?"

"Ainsley?"

"Where are you?"

"On my way back."

"Hurry."

"What's-?"

"Karen found a lump."

* * *

_Another day and you've had your fill of sinking  
With the life held in your  
Hands are shaking cold  
These hands are meant to hold

* * *

_

**(Yesterday)**

"You said I could go!"

"That was before." Donna huffed shaking her head at her oldest child. "Noah you know that there are rules now that-."

"God this sucks!"

"I know it sucks, but-."

"It's just a party!"

"The Secret Service hasn't had a chance to make sure that-."

"Tommy's parents aren't a national threat Mother!"

"It's policy."

"You said I could go!"

"That was before! It's different now." She rolled her eyes. "We talked about how people may try to use you to get at your Uncle-."

"Yeah cause last week Uncle Sam wouldn't have given a shit if Tommy's parents took me hostage in exchange for government secrets! But now? Hell he'd bomb them off of the fu-."

"Noah.." Josh's tone was low and calm, but it brought a look of terror to his sons features. "Apologize."

"Dad It's her fault I can't-."

"Apologize to your mother for your mouth."

"Sorry."

"Go upstairs."

"But Dad-!"

"Go upstairs."

"It's her fault! She didn't ask us. We were supposed to go home! You said we'd be home by summer!" Noah flashed his eyes back to his mother. "Dad didn't want to come here in the first place and now we're stuck here!"

"Noah." Josh's tone was more warning now. "Upstairs."

He stomped up the residence steps. Josh reached for Donna, gripping her shoulders for a second before kissing her cheek and starting up the step after their son.

* * *

_Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong  
Move along, move along like I know you do  
And even when your hope is gone

* * *

_

**(When she knows she is terminal)**

"You look beautiful." Ainsley noticed how she used the same tone that she used to use to tell Josh he looked terrible. This too cheerful yet amazingly accurate tone of voice.

"Thank you." She looked at Donna.

"How are-?" Donna stopped, cocking her head to the left towards the President's study. "Things?"

"He won't talk to me."

"Maybe he doesn't know what to say." Donna whispered.

"I don't know what to say either." The First Lady slipped down onto the couch. "'_Sam hurry up and get over yourself cause my days are literally numbered here'" _Seem so harsh." She shot Donna a smirk, the other woman mustered a tight grin.

"I don't know what to say." She whispered sweetly.

"Yes you do." Ainsley countered gesturing for Donna to sit. "That's why you're here. I need to know what to say."

"What?"

"If.. If it were you and Josh…" Ainsley watched as Donna's eyes shot away.

"It's not."

"Donna…"

"It's different.."

"What would you be doing?" She ignored her friend's protests. "Donna?"

"Getting them ready." She whispered in a low tone, before relaxing into a low tone with a long sigh. "I'd be getting them ready. Josh the kids work…"

"How?"

"I'd tell everyone everything. Especially Josh. I wouldn't have one secret. Not one. I'd tell him, every second of everyday that I knew he could do it. We'd make a plan. I'd make notecards. He'd hate it.." Donna was crying now, her lips parted in a soft smile. Ainsley watched her. "We'd-. We'd talk about the kids, what they're going to need.. as they..grew."

Ainsley was crying now too. Donna gazed whistfully out the window.

"I'd write a lot of letters.. I'd.. do things with the kids.. make things.. so they would.. have.. things.." She looked blankly at Ainsley for a moment, The First Lady caught the look of sympathy, and smiled. "Lay in bed for an exta hour. Just hold him and tell him how lucky you feel just to have all this..

"I'd have to prepare him..." Her voice trailed off. "Josh likes to be prepared."

"I do." Josh Lyman swaggared out of Sam's office turning his head from Ainsley to Donna. "What am I-? What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Donna said immadiatly, whiping her eyes and shooting him an inconvinving smile.

"Can we do dinner tomorrow instead?" Ainsley whispered, Donna nooded back.

Josh moved towards her and brushed the tears off of her face with his thumb, she slipped her arms under his and drew her body close. Ainsley could see the way Josh's eyes slipped shut as his cheek brushed against her hair. His lips parted with a sigh.

"I love you." She breathed from his chest. He planted his lips at the crown of her head before Ainsley slipped into the Study.

* * *

_Move along, move along just to make it through  
Move along  
Move along

* * *

_

**(Yesterday)**

Josh opened the door to Noah's new room. He'd declined to share Leo's. Insisting that the year and a half between them made living in a 'little kids room' impossible.

"I think it's time we have a little chat." It was the low calm voice, the voice that made him tight lipped. It was voice that scared Noah as much as it had scared Donna long ago.

"Doesn't Leo need you or something?"

"Is that what this is about?"

"No."

"You feel like Leo's getting more attention?"

"No."

"He just lost his mom. What if it had been you who-?"

"It probably will be if we stick around this place."

"Noah.." The voice was gone, Lyman's lips parted slowly when he whispered. "I promise you your mom is going to be really caref-."

"Careful is New Hampshire."

"New Hampshire is hiding." Josh heard himself blurt out. "I should have never asked your mom to-."

"Dad.."

"No.." Josh moved closer to his son on the bed. "Your mom and I-. What we do here is important. For the country, for the whole world. It's more important to us than our absolute safety." He turned to face him. "But it's not more important than you. Your safty, Joanie, Annalise Nick and Leo's? Nothings more important than that. Even though Tommy's parents are safe, we don't know about their neighbors, or the pizza guy, or Uncle Bob, or the other guests parents. And yes Noah, your right, Since the day you were born your uncle Sam would have given out Nuclear codes to keep you safe, but now more people know what you look like. Who your mom is.." He turned back to stare at the wall. "It's not safe, _Noh_."

"I know."

"Your mom's really stressed out Noah."

"I know."

"This is hard on her. She did this because Aunt Ainsley asked her too." He took a deep breath as his son's head dropped against his arm. "Because I asked her too.. Your mom can help do a lot of the things I can't do anymore." He pressed his son against Noah's head. "She needs our support."

"I'm sorry."

"You can tell her tomorrow." They sat in silence.

"Dad?"

"Hum?"

"I don't like my agent." He muttered.

"You can have Dave." Josh offered, feeling his son nod.

"I miss Nick."

"Me too."

"I'm sorry.. about mom.. before."

"You can tell her in the morning."

"Dad-."

"Tomorrow."

"Okay."

"Deanna's going to get you guys off to school."

"Okay." He watched Josh make his way to the door. "Goodnight Dad."

"Goodnight Son."

* * *

_So a day when you've lost yourself completely  
Could be a night when your life ends  
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving

* * *

_

**(When she knows she is terminal)**

"Samuel."

"Dinner ready?"

"I sent Josh and Donna home."

"Why?" He looked at her for a second. "Are you okay?"

"No Sam I'm dying." She said with a sly smile.

"Ainsley-." He huffed turning his head to the side before dropping his gaze to his desk. "Really your sense of humor is-."

"It's the truth and we have to start acting like it is."

"I don't have time for-."

"Yes you do." She said forcefully for the first time in a long time. "We're going to talk. About Leo and the future and we're going to make a plan."

"A plan." He spit skeptically. "We're going to create a-?"

"Yes." She moved herself closer, tentatively putting her hand on his arm. "And then we're going to bed. We are going to talk and you are going to make love to me."

"Aines." He winced at the memory of the last time he'd tried to do that.

"We'll go slow. I'll be fine." She told him trailing her hand up his arm to his shoulder. "I'll be fine."

He dropped his face to her's and kissed her soft and slow.

"Just like that." She purred against his lips. "Just like that."

* * *

_All the pain held in your  
Hands are shaking cold  
Your hands are mine to hold

* * *

_

**(Yesterday)**

She watched him watch her for a second before lifting the front of the comforter for him.

He crossed the room and joined her on the bed, wrapping his arms tightly around her small form.

"We'll figure it out together."

He held her while she cried a little more. Pushing her hair off of her face in slow deleberate strokes, wispering to her.

"I love you and it's going to be fine." She nodded into his chest.

"Is Sam asleep?"

"No."

"The kids?"

"Everyone but Noah. He's currently treading in guilt."

"Josh." She pushed back against him and tried to get up. He pulled her back tightly.

"Let him wear himself out Donna, he's a Lyman it's natural for him. He'll apologize tomorrow, you'll forgive him and he'll feel much better." She blinked up at him for a second before he kissed her. "Trust me."

"I do."

"The kids are going to school in the morning, Ana's taking the twins to see Huck and Molly and Sam has a meeting with the Sec of State and lunch with CJ. You don't have anything untill after two." He kissed her again. "We are going to sleep in and then we're going to have sex. Remember sex? Remember how we used to have sex?"

"Josh." Her embarrasses laugh made him smile. He pressed his lips against her neck, feeling the quick suck of breath in her throat. "Why again are we waiting until tomorrow?"

"No kids." He muttered softly kissing her collar bone. She sat up a little and glanced dramatically around the room.

"Do you see kids I don't?" His laugh tickled her throat, she squeeled.

"Noisy." He kissed her cheek, pressing his finger against her lips.

"We'll be quiet." She grinned, he grazzed her teeth with his fingertip.

"No." He said firmly, capturing her in a quick kiss. "I'm sick of quiet. I wanna hear you. Korea spoiled me."

"You spoiled me in Korea." Josh drug his hand down her side, resting it on her bare hip.

"I'll spoil you tomorrow."

"We'll be quiet tonight." Donna whispered in his ear, slowly moving her hand down to his, locking there fingers together. "And tomorrow, I promise, I'll be loud as hell."

"Deal"

_Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong  
Move along, move along like I know you do

* * *

_

**(As she lay dying)**

"I need you to promise me something."

"Yeah?" Donna leaned back against the back of the lawn chair. "Cause I thought maybe I'd fulfilled my duties, with you know.. the being the First Lady, raising your only child.. taking care of your husband.."

"It's an extention of that one." She laughed, pointing a thin finger at her friend. "Someday, at some ball or something? Sam's going to ask you to dance with him to the least likely song of all time and I want you to promise to do it."

Donna stared at her for a second.

"It's not 'Baby got back' or something is it?"

"Not that unlikely." She laughed softly, before adjusting her sunglasses on her face and turned back towards the sun.

"Are you scared?" Donna asked quietly.

"No."

"No?" She was quiet, for along time before luling her head to the side, pulling her finger across the bridge of her glasses and pulling them to the tip of her nose.

"You won't believe me."

"You'd be surprised."

"I.. saw.." She stopped talking again and leaned her head back against the head rest.

"Leo?" Donna said softly. Ainsly's eyes snapped open and met hers. "Josh said.."

"I'm not scared for me." She breathed. "For Sam, for Leo, for Josh and you. But not for me."

* * *

_And even when your hope is gone  
Move along, move along just to make it through

* * *

_

**(When she knew she was terminal- New Hampshire)**

Ainsley moved the hat further back on her head, watching the Lyman kids move around the basket ball court.

"My Dad'll kick your butt." Noah laughed hardily at Toby, watching him dribble the ball across the court.

"I can take your Dad."

"Last Chance." Josh called trumphantly, making his way down the ramp. "I can stand for a game of PIG. A thrilling game of PIG never made a fool out of anyone."

"I can do this Josh."

"I bet you can't." Lyman snorted, as Noah started tightening the leg straps of the chair.

"Oh I can."

"My Dad's gonna crush you." Joanie called from the steps.

"How hard can it be?" Toby muttered. Ainsley laughed, climbing to her feet and heading back towards the house.

"Get in." Josh spun the other wheelchair towards Toby, grinning wildly. "Kay, Noh, help him." Noah obediently sunk down and strapped Toby in.

"Ready?" The COS asked as Ainsley started in the door.

"No. You need gloves." Noah told him seriously, pulling the small pair of blue gloves out of his pockets. "So your hands don't get caught in the wheels."

"So they don't-?" Toby's alarmed voice faded as she closed the door behind her.

She looked at her son, sitting at the table, carefully writing something in his notebook. He craned his head up and asked Donna's advice on something. Ainsley watched her friend lean over his shoulder, her long hair splaying across her son's cheek. He grinned at her answer. Ainsley watched Donna's peach fingernail, trace across the page, her antique engagment ring catching the light. She laughed at his face, kissing his cheek as she stood back up.

"Hey." She whispered, seeing Ainsley standing there for the first time.

"Hi."

"Mom look." Leo pointed at the paper. Ainsley craned her head, smiling wildly.

"That's great Baby!" She sat down across from him, watching as his intense eyes studied her. He folded up his notebook and slipped his pen inside.

"What?" He watched her.

"Aunt Donna and I thought we'd talk to you for a while, about my being sick." Leo's eyes swept from hers back to Donna. The other woman slipped into the chair next to him. "You know I'm very sick Leo."

"Yes." He lifted his head back up to his mother.

"Nana's been trying to help me get better. I took some medicine.."

"It made you sicker."

"That's how it works." Donna whispered.

"That's how it's suposed to work." Ainsley corrected. "But sometimes it doesn't."

"It's not working?" Leo asked quietly.

"It's not working and it's making me feel so sick that I can't do things that I want to do." Ainsley looked at Donna who nodded slowly. "So, I'm going to stop taking the medicine."

Leo watched her for a second.

"Then you'll die?"

Ainsley's eyes slipped shut, as Donna bit her lip.

"Not right away." Donna mumbled. "At first she'll feel better. She'll be able to do things with you that she can't do now."

"We could go to Camp David. We could go to the beach." Ainsley smiled, cupping her hand under her son's chin.

"Can Dad go?"

"I hope so."

"What about Aunt Donna and Uncle Josh?"

"We could try." Donna said softly.

"Moommmmyyy!" Joanie's voice burst through the door just before she did. "Uncle Toby got his hand caught!"

"Oh.. Why wasn't he wearing-?"

"He wouldn't."

"Of course not."

"His fingers are purpley, Nana needs ice." Joanie reported. Donna had already grabbed the first aid kit and an ice pack and was pushing Joanie back out the door.

"Sorry.." She grimaced at Ainsley who flapped a hand at her, shooing her at the door. "Joshua Lyman quit laughing like you haven't done that sixty times!"

Ainsley looked at her son as the door clicked shut.

"Aunt Donna's good at fixing things." She whispered. Leo nodded. "She's always going to be here for you Leo. Your Daddy, Uncle Josh.. Noah and Joanie.." She felt her lip tremble. "Your never going to be alone. Never." She let the tears slip off of her face, watching Leo's own face break, as he slipped off of his chair and onto ther lap. "You have your family and they love you. Aunt Donna loves you like she loves Noah and she'll always be there for you. Don't feel like you're hurting my feelings by loving her Leo.. never. And I'll be there.. I promise. You won't see me.. but I will be there."

* * *

_Move along  
(Go on, go on, go on, go on) __When everything is wrong, we move along

* * *

_

**(Present)**

"Josh."

He grinned against her skin.

"Oh.. Joshua Joshua Joshua.." He pressed his fingers deeper into her hips, moving her into just the right position.

"I need to hear you say it."

"I love you." She arched her back, pressing her body closer to his. "I.. love.. you.. soo.. Oh God Josh."

He folded his tongue against her nipple, pulling it taunt and listening to her cry and press harder against him.

"Tell me what you want." He ordered, holding her hips firmly against him.

"More." She pleaded, arching up again trying to take him deeper. He carefully rolled her backward onto the bed, dipping further and further into her body before clutching her thigh and pulling her towards him tightly. "JoshJoshJosh.."

"Tell me."

"There.." His fingers clamped onto her hip holding their position. "OhJosh.OhJosh.." She shook againt him, gripping at his shoulders feverishly as she cried out his name again.

Lyman dipped his head to her, pressing his forehead into hers shuddering hard before twisting to hold her against him. He stroked her hair, silently glancing at the clock on the wall. There was time.

"Donna.." His voice was airy and lost and it made her feel lightheaded. "Please, talk to me."

"I'm scared." She whispered softly. She wrapped her arms tighter around him, her breathing becoming more and more unsteady and he could feel the tears on his shoulder. "I can't do all this."

"Donnatella." He grabbed her chin, forcing her to look at him."I'm going to be there. I'm here."

* * *

_(Go on, go on, go on, go on)  
When everything is wrong, we move along  
Along, along, along

* * *

_

**(The Frist Lady's Induction Ball)**

"Okay, the family's all here." CJ muttered as Toby and Ana made it through the door with the kids in tow.

"Two funerals-state and private, a move and a ball all in ten days." Toby turned and looked at CJ. "It's enough to make you want to see your actual family."

"I haven't seen my actual family in ten years." Danny sighed.

"I need to understand the ligistics of this." CJ muttered taking a flute of Champagne off of the tray. "She now has all the cermonial dances.. all the half too's. What about Josh?"

"What about him?" Toby waved the tray over to himself.

"Does he get to dance with her?" She asked reaching across and pulling one off for Danny.

"After." Toby tipped the flute to his lips and took a long sip.

"He has to wait to dance with his wife?" Danny asked incrediulously.

"You couldn't wait?" Toby asked, Ana tuned her attention away from the twins long enough to sock her new husband in the gut.

"I could." Danny muttered ducking CJ's attempt at a jab. "But this is Josh.. I'd rather get inbetween a lion and a steak then between Josh and Donna."

"It's for his country." CJ sniffed.

"I guess." Danny chuckled.

Sam's voice had come on the mircophone, they'd missed the introduction.

"Before my wife died, she made me promise that I'd do this. I'm going to apologize in advance to my Press Secretary.." He laughed a little, wiping his eyes. "But what Ainsley wants, Ainsley gets."

The band started playing Jessie's Girl. Josh started laughing hysterically, kissing his wife's cheek and sending her out to his best friend. Donna giggled as the president swung her around ther floor.

"See." Toby stood motionless, as Danny leaned in, his wide cheeky grin inches from the beared man's ear. "Told ya."

_

* * *

When all you got to keep is strong  
Move along, move along like I know you do __And even when your hope is gone  
Move along, move along just to make it through

* * *

_

**(When she knew she was terminal)**

**_The White House Press secretary just came out and announced that the First Lady has decided to stop the treatment of her cancer. It is there offical statement that this was her decision and that she intends to spend her remaining months with her family and friends. The President was not avalible for questions, but Danny Concanon did release a statment saying that President Seaborn wishes that his family's privacy be respected at this time. Donna Lyman, who has been assisting her husband in his dealings with North Korea has returned to the East Wing and taken up the duties of the office of the First Lady._**

_It's incredibly sad Bob. Our hearts go out to the first family and to the entire White House Staff. _

**_They are a family over there, this is a blow to the whole administration._**

**You know I don't mean to be a complete ass here, but since neither one of you seem to want to broach the topic I will. I can't help but wonder if the First Lady is regretting the stance she has had on stem cell research in the past. She quiet possibly helped to stop the bill that could have saved her life.**

Josh's mouth dropped open slowly.

"Tell me that Greg Kilborn did not just suggest that-."

"Josh.. don't do anything-." Charlie reached out towards him, his figers brushing the fabric of his jacket as the Senior Presidential Advisor was already out the door. "Stupid.."

* * *

(Go on, go on, go on, go on)  
Right back what is wrong  
We move along  
_fade out_


	27. How You Remind Me

How You Remind Me

Never made it as a wise man  
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing  
Tired of living like a blind man  
I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling

(Present)

"How could you not know who the Spanish Prime Minster is?" Josh asked rolling his eyes at Noah's Civics test. "You just had dinner with him last month."

"The guy with the lisp or the guy with the funny beard?"

"Beard." Leo says helpfully.

"Lispy guy was Portugal." Donna says softly scooping another spoon full of mash potatoes onto Nick's plate.

"Meee!" His sister protested.

"Annalise.." Donna lifted her eye lid.

"Puwez" She muttered, earning a smile and a scoop from Donna.

"If the question had been what was the name of the bearded guy who spilled wine on your Aunt CJ last month I might have had a chance." Noah muttered under his breath.

"You're going to the state dinner." Josh told him stabbing his fork towards him.

"Dad!"

"You are."

"Josh he's twelve years old. He'll have five more years of state dinners to suffer through. Let this one go."

"Mr. Lyman Sir?"

"Yes Jack."

"Phone call Sir. It's Ms. Cregg-Concannon" The man held the phone up to him.

"Shit." Josh muttered running his hands over his face. "Shit."

"Joshua.." Donna sang at him.

"It's the third time tonig-." He protested.

"Language." She gestured madly at the twins.

"Sorry." He grimaced, taking the phone from the residence staffer. "CJ tell me you have good numbers."

"You realize you're rooting for a republican right?"

"Hey at this point I'll take a moral republican over a shifty disloyal ass like Greg Kilborn."

"_You realize that twenty years ago your vocabulary wouldn't have been able to produce 'moral republican' ri-?"_

"CJ!"

"_He's down by ten_."

"Perfect. How's the other.. Thing..?"

"Not so good."

"We're not getting any sympathy bump?"

"Not enough." CJ sighed. _"He needs to come here Josh."_

CJ sighed. 

"I'll see what I can do."

"Do more than see Josh. Unless you like the sound of President Hulbreck."

"CJ the man's wife just died."

"I know."

"Donna's gonna try.. I can't.."

"I know." He listened to her long sigh. "_We could loose this Josh. It's ours to loose."_

He listened to her long sigh. " 

Lyman turned and looked back towards the Dinning Room. Joanie and Leo were in deep debate over something and Noah was rolling his eyes.

"I'm not going to let that happen."

And this is how you remind me  
This is how you remind me  
Of what I really am  
This is how you remind me  
Of what I really am

(**When she knew she was terminal**)

Nancy Donnelly leaned back in her chair crewing on the back of her pen, she lazily hit the button of the phone when it rang.

"Congressmen Greg Kilborn's office?"

"Nance?" Came the receptionists frantic tone. "Do you need security?"

The redhead's feet dropped from where they had been resting against the trash can.

"Why the hell would I need-?" At that moment Josh Lyman rounded the hallway with a vengeance. "Oh shit."

"Is he in?" If Nancy had been afraid of him when he had been Santos' COS, she was terrified of him now. Bartlett's pit bull was unstoppable. The man had been shot twice. _Twice_, for Christ sake. She nodded slowly. "Cancel his day."

He swung the door to Kilborn's office open.

"Sir you can't go-." She protested weakly

"Are you out of your freaking mind?" Was all she heard before the door slammed shut.

On the other side of the door, Gregg Kilborn was only slightly less fearful than his assistant.

"Josh.."

"Do you want to get reelected in eighteen months or no?"

"Do you?" The man fired back. "Because if you recall? Your constitutes are _for_ stem-cell res-."

"It was a cheap shot at a dying woman who has bent over backwards through out her entire career to be bipartisan. Not to mention the fact that she is the first Lady of the United States and your bosses wife-."

"I work for the American people Josh." Kilborn smirked.

"Not for long." Lyman shrugged his shoulders and started for the door. " Apologize. Publically. Then get a new assistant." He called over his shoulder. "Donna would have never let you get anywhere near my door."

It's not like you to say sorry  
I was waiting on a different story  
This time I'm mistaken  
for handing you a heart worth breaking

(Present)

"Sam."

"No."

"Sam."

"Josh."

"Now."

"No."

"It's time."

"I think I get to be the judge of when-."

"Sam no one's trying to rush you into this." Donna whispered.

"Well then you and your husband should have talked before this gang bang because he-."

"Gang Bang?" Josh squeaked.

"Josh just wants you to see the severity of this situation Sam. The people need to see you. They need to remember why they voted for you four years ago."

"Gang Bang?"

"A lot's changed in four years Donna."

"I know that Sam. Believe me I-."

"Gang-?"

"Shut up Joshua." Donna said quickly, squeezing her husbands arm. "She didn't want you to give this up Sam. This wasn't part of her plan."

"Well she doesn't get a say in the plan anymore. Seeing as she's dead and all."

"Sam." Josh felt Donna's hand slip off his arm with her shocked whisper. He took her hand in his.

"Win or Loose Sam?" Lyman looked into his best friend's face. "She's still gone."

and I've been wrong, I've been down,  
been to the bottom of every bottle  
these five words in my head  
scream "are we having fun yet?"

(When she knew she was terminal)

"Josh?" Donna's alarmed voice rocketed into the room before she did.

"Yeah.." She spotted him there against the wall of their bed room, his back pressed firmly there. For a moment she felt like she'd been transported back in time.

"What the hell? Are you okay?" She turned towards him watching his face break into a slow smile.

"Yeah.. I'm okay."

"Why are you-?" She gestured to the wall and then back to him.

"Cause I'm stressed." The smile widened, his eyes twinkling. She wondered for a second if he'd actually cracked up.

"You're stressed?" She asked, still half frantic, her eyes bouncing around her face when she shook her head in confusion.

"Yup."

"You yelled at Kilborn?" She pulled him away from the wall and lead him to the bed.

"I stormed in there and let him have it." He nodded his head in disbelief.

"And your stressed?"

"Uh huh."

"Josh, you're really freaking me out here."

"Donna.." His low voice made her eyebrows arch.

"Yeah?" She asked carefully.

"I think I'm back."

yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no  
yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no

(Present)

It was the same nightmare. Memory really, since it was step by step what happened. Sometimes there is more blood. Sometimes there is less. Sometimes Josh is the one trying to save him. Sometimes he's successful. Tonight it is a play by play of exactly how it went down. These are the ones she hates the most.

(During Runaway Train)

Ana Casnoff had frozen the second her assignment had been swallowed into the sea of people surrounding Josh Lyman.

At some point, she heard Dave take over. Take over because Nick was down. Take over the detail. Right now, Dave was in charge.

If she'd remembered correctly, he'd put Adams on Donna. Adams was on Donna because Nick was down. And she was Nick's wife. She was Nick's…

It was Sam's assistant, she thinks who finally pulled her over to where they were trying in vain to salvage him.

She's his wife.. She's his wife.. The Latino woman had repeated over and over until the crowd parted enough to get them through.

Someone told her that there was nothing to be done, she knew that anyway. She wasn't blind. She was a trained professional. The bullet had severed his windpipe, nicked his corroded artery.

Too much blood. Too much.

He was making a whistling sound. His body trembling. The paramedic's hands clutching at his throat. This was her fault.

I'm sorry I'm sorry..

His eyes widened and softened when he saw her, the last of his kicking subsiding, his hand reaching out blindly. She took it.

"It's okay.." She squeaked. It wasn't and it was never going to be okay again. "I'm alright." She wasn't. "Everything's alright." _Blood everywhere_. "Relax you don't have to fight it. Relax." _Fight it. Fight it. God don't leave me_. "I'm right here with you." His eyes relaxed, the gurgling slowed to a stop. "I'm right here with you." _Stay_. "I love you." She whispered, kissing his head before slowly placing her hand on top of the paramedics. He was gone.

The other man nodded, she felt her hands slip against the blood on his gloves as he pulled them away. Nothing squirted. Nothing sprayed. His heart wasn't beating. He was gone.

"Goodbye" She whispered as her knee's softened and her bottom dropped back on her heals.

**(Present)**

As usual, She wakes at Goodbye. Toby stirs beside her as she slips out of the bed and into the bathroom. She takes deep breaths until she's sure she's really awake before making her way down to the second floor. She see's the light on in the kitchen and she knows why she's had the nightmare tonight.

_ it's not like you didn't know that I said I love you and I swear I still do  
And it must have been so bad __Cause living with me must have damn near killed you  
_

**(During Runaway Train)**

"Again Agent Casnoff we're very sorry."

Ana nodded as Ron made his way out of the room.

"I'll have someone take you home."

Home. Her empty house.

"No." Her quick voice stopped Ron in his tracks. "I.. Josh? How's Josh?"

"They're stabilizing him. It looks like he'll make it through the night." The older man ran his hand over his face. "They'll know more in the morning."

"Donna.." She whispered softly.

"She's with him." Ron answered mistaking her plea for a question. Ana nodded at him.

"The children?"

"They're staying in the Residence." He told her quickly. "Gina's with them. They're fine."

She nodded again, settling back against the couch. The children were fine. Gina had the kids. Ron nodded back, slipping out the door and into the hall.

At some point Dave made his way in from his debriefing. He's the one who brought her the White House sweats. That's when she realized her shirt was bloody. He put his hands on her shoulders and guided her towards the locker room.

Dave thought she looked small when she makes her way back out to him. Her hair hanging limp and wet at the sides of her pale face.

"Let me take you home Ana."

Home. Alone. Gina has the kids.

"No." She looked at the ground when she spoke. "I.. should be with Donna."

"Anthony's taken over their detail for now, Lindsay's on Donna. You need to go home. Call your family.."

"We don't have any."

"Ana.."

"I.." She looked up at Dave. "I go where Donna goes."

And this is how, you remind me  
Of what I really am  
This is how, you remind me  
Of what I really am

(Present)

"So.. Mr. President.." Ana leaned against the door of the residence kitchen. "You plan eating something today?"

"Is this my intervention?" Seaborn looked around the empty room. "Cause if so-? I'm disappointed at my turn out."

"Nothing official.. Just one former grieving spouse to another." She shrugged her shoulders and dropped onto a bar stool . "She wouldn't want you to waste away in her honor."

"Yeah well." He turned his head away. "She's not here is she?"

"You don't get to wallow."

"Really? Two months is the statute of limitations for wallowing?" He arched and eyebrow. "I'm the President I should get that extended or something."

"You've had longer than two months." She shook her head. "You've had-."

"Did I sleep through a few months?" He asked, screwing his face up aristocratically. "You'd think someone would have set an alarm. I am the President."

"You almost had a whole year." Her voice was quiet. "You had months and countless conversations. I had five minutes, which I stumbled through pathetically."

"Ana.."

"You got to say goodbye."

"This is what we're doing? Comparing broken hearts? Great you win, your loss is more tragic than mine I get it."

"I didn't say that." She told him firmly. "I know this road Sir. I've been on it. It got me these." She held the palm of her hand up and he took in the collection of small scars crisscrossing it.

"Ana I-." He looked alarmed. She smiled.

"I'm not telling the staff to hide the kitchen knives, Sir." She pressed her palm forward again, this time in a stopping gesture, but Sam was transfixed on the lines. She smiled again, this time with a mixture of embarrassment and sympathy, and let her hand drop. "There are lots of ways to die to yourself Sam." She swallowed hard, he smiled. She almost never called him by his actual name. "I'd say shutting out the people that love you and half heartedly trying to hang onto your job, letting other people raise your kid.."

Seaborn's eyes shot to the floor.

"But hey what do I know? You're the President. I'm just a glorified Nanny." She smiled broadly at him. "Goodnight Sir."

"Ana?" She turned back around, looking at her in the low light trickling in from the window. "It wasn't pathetic." The tiny brunette's eyes widened. "Your goodbye. It wasn't pathetic."

She nodded her head, making her way back towards her room.

It's not like you to say sorry  
I was waiting on a different story  
This time I'm mistaken  
for handing you a heart worth breaking

(**After the suicide attempt, after the video)**

"So."

"Donna." Ana turned around with a start, dropping the clothes she'd been folding into her open suitcase.

"You're leaving?"

"I quit."

"I heard." The blond walked into the room, sitting next to the suitcase and resumed the packing. "Are you sure it's the best time for you to be making-?"

"It was before all this Donna." Ana interjected extending her still injured hand. Donna's eyes focused on the crisscrossed bandages stretched across her fingers, running down her palm. "I've been mulling this over since the shooting."

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask you something?" Ana averted her eyes, grabbing another item of clothing.

"Anything."

"What were you thinking?"

Donna shook her head slowly in confusion.

"When you started running? What were you thinking?"

"I was thinking.." Donna trailed off, her eyes slipping to the blouse she was refolding. "I had to get to him."

"Why?"

"He needed me. He was going to need me." She shook her head slightly as if the mere thought of not being there when he needed her was frightening.

"What if you'd gotten there too late?" Ana breathed.

"Ana you weren't too late." Donna touched the other woman's arm.

"That's not what I asked." She whispered.

"Why?"

"I hesitated." She admitted in a small voice.

"What?"

"I wanted to be too late."

and I've been wrong, I've been down,  
been to the bottom of every bottle  
these five words in my head  
scream "are we having fun yet?"

(Present)

"Hey."

"Hi." Donna set her file down and looked at Sam.

"How did you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Keep working after the shooting. How did you hold the office together, hold all of us together, hold the election together, hold Josh together after the shooting?"

"Which one?"

"Exactly." Sam sighed pointing his index finger at her. "Both times. You just.. Kept going, no dramatic nervous breakdowns or hissy fits-."

"If you don't count burning myself on the stove."

"An hour with the sisterhood and were back up to speed."

"Hardly."

"Donna I'm serious. You never drop a ball. How can you never drop a damn ball?"

Donna Lyman looked down for a moment before pulling off her glasses and standing up to face the President of the United States.

"What ball should I drop Sam?" She asked softly. "Josh's health and sanity? My children? My job? My duty to my country?"

"What if you couldn't pick? What if they just started dropping to the ground?"

"I'd pick them up." She told him softly. "Because it's what we do."

"Yeah."

"Yeah." She reached her hand out to his, gathering his fingers in her palm. "And I'd remember I've got people busting there asses to help me keep things in the air, and that I don't want to let them down."

"I'm gonna call CJ." He whispered, pulling her hand to his lips and kissing the back of it. "Thanks Donna."

"It's what I do." She told him with a false heavy sigh and a shrug.

yet, yet, yet, no, no  
yet, yet, yet, no, no  
yet, yet, yet, no, no  
yet, yet, yet, no, no


	28. Crazy

**Crazy

* * *

**

_I remember when, I remember, __I remember when I lost my mind,  
There was something so pleasant about that phase...  
Even your emotions had an echo in so much space.

* * *

_

"Holy Crap this is the best day of my life!" Josh yelled into the hallway.

"I'm going to try not to take that personally." Donna yelled back.

"Hulbreck shot his hunting partner."

"What?" Donna made her way back into the bedroom. "You're kidding me?"

"Not kidding." He said pointing emphatically towards CNN where an older man with his face half bandaged sat in a wheel chair in front of the podium.

"Oh my God he shot him in the face?"

"Yes because there is a God!"

"Joshua Lyman you of all people-."

"He's fine. He's fine." Josh waved his hand at his wife dismissively. "He's already being released. No harm done."

"Except to his face." Donna furrowed his eyebrows. Josh's cell phone started ringing.

"Josh Lyman, luckiest man in the world!" He answered grinning like a fool at Donna. "CJ! I know I know. Our new slogan is **Sam Seaborn: He hasn't shot anyone today**!"

"Josh!"

"Donna thinks I'm going to anger the Shooting Gods."

"I just think maybe you should have some more sympathy for the man, seeing as you've been in similar-."

"Similar? I've been critically wounded twice by White Supremacists. This guy got a flesh wound on a quail hunting trip. He's fine. The only casualty is Hulbreck's campaign. Huh?" Josh turned his attention back to the phone. "Yeah. CJ says wake Sam."

"Josh!" Sam's voice bellowed in from the hall way excitedly.

"He's awake."

"Josh!!" Sam burst through the doors pointing wildly at CNN. "This.. Is.. Incredible!"

"CJ says you need to go to California. CJ says-. Here wait, talk to CJ." He handed the phone to the President and walked towards his wife. She looked at him sternly.

"The guy's fine Donna."

"Luckily." She pointed out.

"My regards and a muffin basket?" He asked, reaching his arms around her and pulling her flush against him.

"A personal phone call and a tasteful flora arrangement." She whispered, her pout betraying her as he nuzzled into her neck.

"Deal" He kissed her cheek, before turning her towards Sam who was enthusiastically making plans with CJ. "Look at him." He beamed, pressing his head against Donna's. "We're going to win."

* * *

_And when you're out there,without care,  
Yeah, I was out of touch.  
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough:  
I just knew too much

* * *

_

**(Post Runaway train)**

"It's the.. the.. the.." She startled into alertness, her eyes falling over him again. She reached out her hand and soothed it across his face.

"Shh.. Josh, it's alright."

"It wld be. It wld be.. if she'd jst. It wld be."

"It is. It is okay."

"NO!" He shouted, his eyes shooting open into the dark room, focusing loosly on her face. "Why-do-you-do-this?" She pressed her lips together at his jumbled string of words. "Why?" She held her breath for a minute, until he sat up more and looked at her intently. "WHY?"

"I don't know Josh."

"I try-an I- I - try... an you.." He swung his arm akwardly towards her. "Why you won't help me?"

"Joshua.."

"Hw many How many.. damn jogging meetings." He flopped back against the pillows., his eyes falling on his naked feet. "What I need is shoes Donna!"

"We'll get you some." She whispered quietly.

"Not the ones.. the ones my... Flordia shoes suck."

"Okay."

"If y'd just help me..."

"What do you need me to do Josh?"

"How do I tell her?"

"Who?"

"Donna.. how do I tell her .. to wait for me?" She loooked at his tearful eyes.

"She will." The words squeaked out of her mouth. "She will Josh I promise." He setttled back into the blankets. "Forever."

* * *

_Does that make me crazy?  
Does that make me crazy?  
Does that make me crazy?  
Probably!

* * *

_

**(Present)**

_"Mr. Lyman Mr. Lyman.."_

_"Josh! Over Here! Josh!"_

_"Donna! Has this brought back any memories for you?"_

_"Josh do you have anything to say to Governer Hulbreck?"_

Donna squeezed his hand tightly in a reminder to behave. He laced her fingers tighter, turning towards the reporters.

"You know gun safty has always been something near and dear to us. We're releaved that Congressmen Seavers injuries were not life threatening." He noded his head a few times before smiling and restarting there stride towards Marine 1. "Thank you.."

"Wow."

"I can do respectful.."

"Apparently.."

"You wound me.."

"Ma'am." The secret service agent offered her his hand.

"Thank you." Donna's eyes widdened through her tight grin.

"He ma'amed you." Josh licked his lips in vain as his smirk got away from him.

"Shut up."

"He totally Ma'amed you."

"I'm about to show you what it means to be wounded."

* * *

_And I hope that you are having the time of your life,  
But think twice, that's my only advice.

* * *

_

**(Post Hurt)**

"_Why these memories_?" She whispered,. He pictured her picking at the edge of the bandage across her hand just how Josh had done.

"It's not uncommon_."_ The voice on the other end of the phone told her soothingly. "He feels confused. These are other times he's felt confused."

_"I don't know if.."_

"You can."

"_You're so sure_." She choaked out angrily. "_Everyone's so damn sure! She can handle it. She will be fine, she-."_

The man on the phone waited as she paused, swallowing a whimper.

"_I need him. I-."_ He could tell she was holding her breath.

"Stop.." His voice was athoritative. "Breath slowly." She compled and he scribbled this into his notebook. "No one expects you to do it all."

She snorted

"Have you asked for help?"

_"I-."_

"Sam.. Ainsley.. CJ? Have you been asking them?"

"_They're in the middle of a-."_

"Yes they are."

_"They're already-! They help with the kids and the office and-. I can't-."_

"Breath.." She stopped and started breathing slowly again.

_"I can't ask them to do anymore."_

"What if it were Ainsley who'd been hurt? Or Danny? You'd be helping right?"

_"Yes_." She huffed.

"Why?"

_"It's what I do."_

Stanley Keyworh smiled, circling the passage he had just scribbled on the paper in front of him a few times.

"Why do you think that is Donna?"

* * *

_Come on now who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you Think you are, ha ha ha, bless your soul,  
You really think you're in control!

* * *

_

**(Present)**

"Holy shit." Josh muttered looking at the monitor like it was going to explode.

"That's what I'm talking about." Danny Concanon laughed.

"What the hell was that?" Josh breathed.

"That was Sam Seaborn kicking Hulbreck's ass infront of millions of home viewers." CJ explained flipping open her cell phone as Josh watched Sam and his opponent shake hands as Donna and Leo stood waiting for him in the front row.

"He didn't have that last night." Lyman squeaked. "Not last night."

"He was channeling Leo McGarry." CJ grinned, before turning her attention back to her call.

"He was channeling something." He ripped his eyes away from the screen as Sam made his way back stage. "You smoked him."

"I did, didn't I?" Sam raised his eyebrows, as looped his arm around Leo's small shoulders.

"Phone banks are open." CJ shouted as she shut her phone and turned to the President. "Get those loose lips over here Seaborn."

"He didn't have that last night." Donna whispered in her husband's ear as her hand skimmed the small of his back.

"No." He agreed as CJ kissed Sam on the mouth, his eyebrows raising slightly as Danny did the same.

"So where the hell-?" Donna asked softly.

"I have no idea."

* * *

_Well,  
I think you're crazy...  
I think you're crazy...  
I think you're crazy...__Just like me. _

* * *

"Just name the image you see." The tech explained pointing to the monitor. "You won't know them all. That's alright. If you run out of time, the next image will appear." 

Lyman nodded and Donna bit her lip.

"It's common to miss over fifty precent the first time Mrs. Lyman." Doctor Thomas explianed.

"Donna."

"Okay, Donna." The doctor shot her a fake smile. "I don't want you to get discouraged."

"I understand." She watched the way Josh's eyes studied the images as they blinked by.

"Boat. Tree. Brick. Sofa. Staircase. Oven. Pencil. Blowdryer. Stoplight... .."

Her eyes shot up at his silence taking in the black and silver object on the screen.

"This is common." The doctor reminded her through the palpable panic that was quickly filling the room.

_Spatula_., she silently willed to him. _Spatula Spatula Spatula.._

The image blinked away and Josh missed the next three, still stuck on the nameless kitchen utencil.

"Chicken. Igloo. Slipper..."

* * *

_My heroes had the heart __to live their lives out on a limb,  
And all I remember is thinkin' __I wanna be like them.

* * *

_

**(Present)**

"Sam.."

"Josh."

"When I left last night.. did.. um.." Josh forced the air out of his lungs and coughed uncomfortably. "You just went to bed last night right?"

Sam felt the side of his face twich into a smile. He watched Donna pull his tie from around his friends neck, unbuttoning the first few buttons before tugging at his jacket.

"Josh? What are you implying?"

"You know what I'm-. Sam.." Donna shook her head slowly before making her way out the door.

"Ask me." Sam grinned.

"Sam." Josh whined.

"Ask me."

"I'm not going to ask you I'm just going to remind you that-."

"Ask me!"

" Fine!" Josh tossed his hands into the air. "Did you sleep with a former prostitute in the Residence of the White House?"

* * *

_Ever since I was little, __ever since I was little __it looked like fun,  
And there's no coincidence I've come,  
And I can die when I'm done.

* * *

_

**( Post - And It's Surley to There Credit)**

"I hate her." Sam blew air through his lips.

"You don't."

"No I really think I-.."

"Because of the gun thing?" Josh squeaked.

"Mainly." He looked away for a second. "No.."

"Cause she kicked your ass on-."

"We said we weren't going to-."

"Yeah.. I lied."

"Yeah."

"So you hate her because?"

"She.. imbodies everything.. evil in-."

"She's smart."

"Yeah."

"She makes good.. " Josh shook his head in disbelief. "Points.."

"There in lies the evil."

"Yeah?"

"She's right intirely too often." Sam stared past Josh for a minute before clicking his gaze back to his friend. "I find that strangly attractive. You wanna get a beer?"

"Nah.. I.." He rubbed his eyes. "Donna's going crazy today.. she's already given me an hour over.."

"She's too good to you." He sniffed.

"She is." Josh whispered. "Night."

"Josh?" Sam called softly just before Lyman touched the door. "Donna.. she.. she's been through a lot.."

"Yeah."

"She-."

"Yeah."

* * *

_But maybe I'm crazy?  
Maybe you're crazy?

* * *

_

**(Present)**

"We're going to go over this once, so pay attention." Sam quirked his head to the left.

"Yes Sir." Josh growled.

"She's a former call girl..."

"Damn it." Josh cursed, raking his hand through his hair.

"She's now a highly respected legal power house."

"Oh Sam..." Donna whispered.

"And yes." He said frimly. "Last night she joined me in the Residence for dinner."

* * *

_Maybe we're crazy?  
Probably!_


	29. Talk

**Talk_

* * *

_**

Oh brother I can't, I can't get through  
I've been trying hard to reach you, cause I don't know what to do

* * *

**(Present)**

"Are you crazy?" Josh stammered. "Have you lost your mind?"

"Josh.." Donna warned softly, her fingers increasing their grip on his arm. "Calm down."

"You just threw away the White House!" He yelled ignoring his wife.

"You want it so bad?" Sam yelled. "Take it!" He peeled off his jacket and tossed it at his friend. "Take all of it you can have it! You're the one who wanted it in the first place." He yanked at his tie throwing it on the table between them before kicking his feet from his shoes.

"He's completely lost it." Josh muttered to Donna. "You've completely lost it!"

"Stop both of you..." Donna pleaded.

"He handed it to them." Josh's eyes scanned the room, his political mind searching for an answer.

"Maybe It's someone else's turn Josh!" Sam shot back. "Did you ever think of that?"

"Sam you don't mean that." Donna said softly. "It's been a hard year but-."

"Shut up Donna, for five damn minutes can you just shut-."

"Hey!" Josh's head snapped back up to face him. "Don't. I don't give a damn who you are, you don't talk to my wife-."

"Mr. President." Three heads turned towards Toby's voice. "You may want to get dressed, Sir."

His voice was thick with annoyance and full of business.

"What happened?" Sam muttered feeling his heartbeat slow in his chest.

"There's been a bombing at embassy in Lebanon, Sir." Toby sounded impatient.

"How many?" Josh asked quietly.

"Over a hundred." Toby looked back at his shoes.

Donna had pushed past her husband and was helping Sam do his tie while he wiggled his feet back into his shoes. He shot her a look of remorse before starting to the door. Lyman didn't move.

"Josh?" Sam asked tentatively. Toby paused behind the president watching the two cautiously.

"With all due respect, Mr. President, I'd like to sit this one out, Sir." The Top Senior Advisor to the President said blankly, his shoulders stiff. He'd lifted his eyes to Sam's when he finished speaking. Seaborn nodded. He closed his eyes tiredly as Toby followed Sam out the door.

* * *

Oh brother I can't believe it's true  
I'm so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you  
Oh I wanna talk to you

* * *

**(during the first santos campaign)**

"Josh?"

"Hey." He stretched out in his chair, leaning back until he could see her in the door way. For a moment they were back in the West Wing and she was his assistant. For a moment Josh's life felt balanced. "Where've you been all day?"

"Running interference for Helen." She replied tiredly slipping into his office and perching on the edge of his desk like she still did it everyday. He smiled at the gesture.

"The underwear thing?" His voice rose a little at the end. She sighed, blowing air out of her lips and sending flips of hair briefly into the air. "It'll die."

"I know." She forced a smile, letting her eyes drift over him. He let his own eyes close for a second, feeling the power of her appraisal. It felt good. "You okay?"

"Yeah." He whispered, letting an eye crack open.

"Did you eat today?" She asked suddenly.

"You missed our lunch." He accused pointing a finger in the direction of her voice.

"Did you miss lunch completely?" She shifted her body closer to his.

"I had something." He assured her. "Ronna brought me something."

"A green something?" She asked almost hopefully.

"You must be tired." Josh smiled. "Your worrying about my diet and sitting on my desk like-." He stopped.

"Old times?" Donna finished softly.

"Like it's still in your job description." He quipped, moving his body away from her, trying to separate himself from the moment.

"Joshua, did you ever actually read my job description?" She teased.

"Maybe if you'd have made note cards.." He grinned, studying the lines of the desk.

"Josh?" She whispered softly. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." He told her in vain, before huffing and facing her head on. "Sam called."

"You talked to him?" Donna asked hopefully, but Josh only shook his head. "Are you going to call him back?"

"Donna.. I don't know if it's such a good idea for us to.."

"What Joshua? Have a conversation that could possibly lead to something more serious then vegetables?" She asked wearily.

"I.. " He swallowed hard.

"Blame me." She whispered.

"Donna.."

"Don't blame Sam, or Will or yourself.." She shook her head, fighting against the tears threatening to fall. "Blame me."

"No." His whisper was almost to soft for her to hear.

She swallowed hard turning back towards the door and taking a deep breath.

"Come on. Let's go back to the hotel." She told him decidedly. "I'm going to order you room service and put you to bed."

"It's two am. Room service is so not open."

"It is for the all mighty campaign manager." She quipped, walking towards the door.

"Donnatella?" He called softly, she turned raising her eyebrow at him. "What if we loose?"

"We're not going to loose Josh." She told him firmly.

"We're falling behind." He muttered gesturing at the mass of papers in front of him like they proved it.

"Josh stop." She held his coat up to him. "Food and sleep."

He nodded, joining her by the door and fighting with his coat. She turned and adjusted the collar for him, suddenly slipping her hand up to his cheek and meeting his eyes.

"It'll be okay."

* * *

You can take a picture of something you see  
In the future where will I be?  
You can climb a ladder up to the sun  
Or write a song nobody has sung  
Or do something that's never been done

* * *

**(Present)**

**"Connie, Tell me something I don't know."**

This was the part of the week CJ dreaded. This was the part of the show that made her want to reach through the screen and choke Chris Mathews' fat neck.

**"Well Chris, all is not well in the Bartlett Brat House-."**

"When are they going to stop calling it that!?" She yelled at the screen.

**"It appears that Senior Presidential Advisor Josh Lyman has been left out of more and more critical White House dealings. The fighting has apparently gotten so bad that it's rumored that the Lyman's days in the residence may be numbered."**

**"Very Interesting, John?"**

**"I'd even take it a step further Chris and say that the Seaborn White House is coming apart at the seems. I wouldn't be surprised if an announcement came from the campaign with in the next few days."**

**"Calling it quits?" Mathew laughed.**

**"An end to the Bartlett Brats."**

**"I find that hard to believe."**

CJ Cregg-Concanon starred blankly at Mathews for a second before yelling down the hallway.

"Girls! Get your shoes on we're going to the White House!"

* * *

Are you lost or incomplete?  
_Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?  
Tell me how do you feel?_

* * *

**(Early in the Russell v. Santos primary)**

"Josh, to what do I owe the visit? Need help with the concession speech?"

"I need your list of donors. I need to check for cross-over's."

"People that gave to both campaigns?" Will Bailey made a face.

"It happens."

"Yeah." Will moved the papers around on his desk. "I'll have.. Howard get right..." He looked up absently. "Sam.."

"Huh?" Josh looked up wearily.

"Sam Seaborn, he donated to both-. At least I'm assuming he donated to you as well-."

"He.. of course he-." Josh waved his hand dismissively.

"He could have sent it all to you anyway. He already contributed to the cause, helping me lure Donna away from you.."

"What?" Lyman's stoic look betrayed him for a second.

"Donna.. he.." Bailey swallowed hard.

"What does Sam have to do with Donna leaving m- the White House?" He felt the familiar pressure on his chest, fire slipping down his body to settle in his gut. "He wasn't any where near-."

"I thought you-? He was the one who talked her into considering my offer after the first two times she turned me down."

"He.." Josh took a step back, his eyebrows furrowing into knots. "I'll.. " He rocked back on his heals and started towards the door.

"You still need the-?"

"Later."

* * *

Well I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak  
And they're talking it to me  
So you take a picture of something you see  
In the future where will I be?

* * *

**(Present) **

**"They had** a fight?" CJ asked bursting through the door of the residence as she was being announced.

"CJ.." Donna sighed wearily. "Not you too. God I hate that part of the Chris Mathews."

"They obviously had a fight, you can tell on the campaign side of things. It's like Josh is treading shark infested water. I asked what was about to blow and he told me nothing. He's got Charlie being the lesion with Sam despite the fact they live in the same house. Donna what the hell happened?"

"CJ my life consists of more then mediating between Sam and Josh. What makes you think I know-?"

"Is it about you?" CJ asked, stopping mid pull as she took off her scarf. "It is isn't' it? It's always about you."

"CJ!"

"On the First Campaign when Sam Josh hired you cause you were hot he almost hit him. He was always paranoid that you thought Sam was-. They didn't talk for a year because Sam told you to take a job. I just figured-."

"_'Because Sam told her to take a job_?'" CJ froze at Josh's voice behind her. Donna let out a little moan of frustration, turning towards her husband, standing there with Nicolas wrapped in a towel dangling from his outstretched arms. "_because Sam_.."

"Josh.." CJ rubbed her hand across her forehead before turning to face him. He'd pulled the toddler against his body now. CJ thought it looked like a human shield. Donna knew it was so he didn't' drop him. His eyes darted towards her as she took a step towards her husband.

"Here..." She reached her arms out and took Nick in one arm steadying him with the other.

"Don't let him drip all-." Ana's voice halted when she saw the scene, she had Annalise tossed haphazardly over her shoulder. "Ms.-"

"It's been two years Ana call me CJ." The former press secretary spit at her best friends wife.

"She can't." Josh muttered.

"What?" CJ glanced at Ana, who was taking Nick in her other arm.

"At the White House, she can't anymore than you can call the President Sam in the Oval..." He explained. "It's.. She's.." Josh dropped his head.

Ana turned towards her.

"I'm the Nanny for the first family Ms. Cregg-Concanon. I can't go around addressing the former Chief of Staff by her first name anymore then the cook can." She tossed her a tolerant smile, gave Donna a knowing glance and took the babies back towards their bedroom.

"Well now I feel like a-."

"Don't." Donna said quickly. "It's a common problem around here." She looked at Josh. "Sit."

He nodded, moving slowly towards the sofa. CJ watched how Donna didn't completely loose contact with him until he was actually seated.

"It's part of the reason that Chief of Staff's aren't supposed to marry the help." Toby's voice startled her, she turned around to find him leaning in the doorway.

"How long have you been there?" She huffed in embarrassment.

"Since you almost knocked over the Secret Service to get in the door." He said honestly, the bottom of his lip twisting into a grin.

"Why are you here in the middle of the-." Her eyes flipped back to Josh his head hung low, elbows propped on his knees. "Are you sick?" She muttered quickly. "Is that what this is about?"

Donna sat on the edge of the couch and smoothed back Josh's hair.

"He's not _sick_ CJ." She said sweetly.

"I'm medicated." His voice was muffled by his hands.

"Okay now your scarring me." She moved her eyes back towards Toby. "What's going on?"

"Can't tell you." Toby said softly.

"Can't-. I'm the manager of this campaign you guys. Even if it's in name only-."

"You're the manager." Josh said quickly easing up his head and looking at her. "You're the-."

"Something happened. Something bad.. for the..?"

"CJ please." Donna whispered.

"It couldn't be that bad." She grinned turning her face to Toby. "I mean seriously. They know he's slept with a prostitute and they still-."

"Stop." Toby's head bobbed down to his feet. "You can't-."

"No.. No.. Not again. We promised.. " She looked at Josh, his head was now back against the couch, his fingers firmly pinching the bridge of his nose." You promised at a bar in Hartford ten years ago that there would be no more secrets!" Lyman let his hand fall away. "Tell me right now!"

"CJ you know how this works, the more people that know.." Donna whispered calmly, rolling her hand in circles from her wrist.

"You think I'm going to tell?"

"No." Josh said finally, moving his body forward in a failed effort to get to his feet." Damn it." Donna pressed her hand against his shoulder easing him back against the couch. "I think that you will want.. need to.. tell Danny and he will want to tell Charlie and..."

"The more people that know.."

"What if Danny gets side swiped?"

"He has a response." Toby told her.

"Excuse me?"

"In an envelope in his briefing folder. He has a response."

"To a question he doesn't know?"

"Yes." Toby told her finally.

"What's his response?"

"CJ.. " Josh moaned.

"What if it's the wrong question?"

"It won't be." Josh sniffed.

"Danny understood CJ." Toby told her. "We're asking you to understand."

"How many people know?" She asked.

"Seven." Toby told her.

"Seven!"

"Josh, Donna, Sam, Ana and two secret service agents."

"You don't-?"

"No."

"Wait, you said seven-."

"CJ! You already know too much." Josh pressed his eyes shut before successfully making it off of the sofa and starting to pace the room. Donna watched him intently.

"Is Sam okay?" She asked softly. Josh snorted.

"He's fine." Toby told her.

"I want Donna to answer." She told him.

"He's alright CJ." She smiled weakly.

"Josh?"

"What?"

"Are you leaving?" He halted his steps and turned to face her.

"I don't know." He sighed.

"We're going to New Hampshire in the morning." Donna whispered. "The schedule says for a few days."

"Your taking the kids?" Donna nodded. "All of the-?"

"Leo's coming too." She added.

"So are Ana and two extra secret service agents.." Josh breathed, ending his pacing next to his wife, with a sarcastic smirk. He leaned into her and kissed her cheek.

* * *

You can climb a ladder up to the sun  
Or a write a song nobody has sung  
Or do something that's never been done  
Do something that's never been done

* * *

**(Between chapters four and five of How We Got Here)**

"Donna?" Will Bailey wandered into the lobby and had almost jumped when he saw her sitting there. "How are you doing?"

"What? Oh.. Will I'm fine thanks."

"What are you doing out here?" He didn't miss how her eyes had slipped towards the West Wing when he asked the question.

"I was looking for Josh." She said softly. "I must have fallen asleep in CJ's office. He was gone when I-.

"I think he went outside. He said he needed some air." He told her. "He seemed okay."

She nodded her head, knowing he must have been to stray so far from her.

"Donna.. I-." He stopped taking a deep breath. "I never meant to cause problems, between you and Josh.. between Josh and Sam.. "

"Will.."

"Here me out." He held up a hand. "It wasn't about any agenda for me. I wasn't trying to free you from your captor or.." He stopped and shook his head. "I just needed you on board. "

She smiled slowly at him.

" You were a piece of a campaign puzzle to me and I don't think that I took enough into consideration." He shook his head.

"Will.. I-. Thank you." She looked down. "It wasn't your job to take my life into consideration. It was mine and I regret the way I went about it."

She took a deep breath. "I regret _the way_... "

"Donna?"

"I don't regret working for you. I don't regret the decisions I made." She shook her head. "Maybe if they hadn't brought me here I would. Hell.. I know I would." Donna smiled towards the ceiling. "It was a long year, but it brought me here. Back here."

"Welcome home." Will grinned.

"Sam and Josh.. Josh and me.. that's not your fault." She assured him. "It's not. The three of us hold the blame cards there."

"But Josh and Sam.."

"Are brothers." She told him with absolute certainty. "And brothers fight. They'll be okay. Under it all they're still brothers."

"I just wanted to.." He nodded frantically and Donna smiled. Mouthing thank you again as he stood and took two steps backwards. "Congratulations Donna."

She smiled after him weakly, letting her face fall as she turned back towards the West Wing.

Standing unsteadily she made her way back home.

* * *

So you don't know were you're going, and you wanna talk  
And you feel like you're going where you've been before  
You tell anyone who'll listen but you feel ignored

* * *

**(Present- New Hampshire)**

"Josh?" Donna let the door to the bedroom slip open, he squinted against the light that trickled in. "Josh, Honey? Sam's here."

"Yeah." He said softly, pulling himself out of bed. He looked at her standing there in the doorway and smiled softly. She moved the rest of the way into the room and wrapped her arms around him.

"Be nice to him. He's here to apologies." She whispered softly in his ear. He nodded into her shoulder before pressing his head against her neck and taking a deep breath and pulling away slowly.

Sam was standing at the bottom of the stairs, moving Donna's nick-knacks around on the shelf. He turned towards him when the stairs creaked, pressing back on his heals before falling forwards again.

"Hi." He sounded like old Sam, before he had been President Seaborn.

"Hey."

"You look good."

"I don't."

"It's something that you say." Sam muttered softly.

"You ran a good campaign." He told him honestly, settling down on the edge of the couch.

"I should have resigned." He told him bluntly. "When Ainsley got sick, I should have resigned. Let Will have a shot at it. He'd have run a good election."

"I'm not sure the world was ready for President Bailey." Josh said slowly, shaking his head.

"He's a good guy Josh."

"He is." He agreed. "He makes a damn fine VP. Your lucky to have him with you for the next four years."

"What about you?" He asked softly. "Do I have you with me for the next four years?"

"You don't need me Sam. You have CJ and Charlie. You don't need me." He shook his head slowly. "I'm.. Washington's my drug Sam. It'll end up killing me."

"It should have been you." Sam said suddenly. "In the big office."

"No." He shook his head. "Even Bartlett knew it was you. I'm hot headed and inconsiderate and bullish. 'I'm not that guy."

"You are with Donna. Donna makes you that guy."

"I couldn't have had both Sam. Not the way Donna deserved." He told him suddenly.

"We never had that." Sam muttered, finding his way to the couch and picking up a coaster to spin. "Ainse and I."

"What?"

"What you and Donna have." He sniffed and looked back up at Josh. "You would have resigned. You would have stopped everything and taken her to Hawaii and.."

"It was your idea Sam, Hawaii the first time. I wouldn't have ever.."

"You were high on Washington at the time. If you'd been sober you would have." He told his friend with a smirk. "I was enabling.. it could have been rock bottom.."

"Rock bottom was realizing I had forced my best friend into something he didn't want to do." He confessed. "That was rock bottom."

"Does Donna miss it?"

"No." Josh said quickly. "She's.. got other things..."

"Yeah?"

"She's pregnant."

"Your kidding me."

"We've.."

"I thought you were going to get a-."

"Yeah she chickened out. She wasn't done."

"Yeah?"

"You've got four.. plus mine."

"I can in fact still count Sam."

"That's.."

"I know. She's due in June. We're going to come to DC. Have the baby at GW. After Nick we're too scared to do it here."

"You can stay at my place." Sam teased. "I just lost all my roommates. I hear they started a commune in New Hampshire."

"CJ's going to make a Great First Lady Sam." Josh told him. "And Charlie's been ready for COS for a while now."

"I know." Sam shook his head. "Another baby."

"Our very last believe me."

"You need to start exercising or something."

"Tell me about it."

"Seriously though.. you look good."

"It's Donna.. she's.. Donna." Sam nodded slowly. "I shouldn't have left like I did Sam."

"Hey.. I left once to remember. Same way, for the same reasons."

"Hardly.."

"I'd been betrayed. So had you." He held his hand up to stop the protest. "I am sorry Josh."

"Don't be." Josh shook his head. "It was all.. for the best."

"So.. New Hampshire huh?"

"Bartlett's were on to something let me tell you.."

"Toby likes it?"

"As much as he likes anything." Josh smirked. "I think he's thinking about running for office. Governor"

"Honestly?"

"Maybe." He smiled at him. "I think he's a little tired of living in the guest house being married to my nanny."

"That's crazy."

"Sun's coming up." Josh noticed absently.

"I should be getting back."

"You should wake up Leo."

"No.. not just so I can say goodbye." He looked out the window. "He's coming up next weekend?"

"Yeah.. Donna's got some business."

"Okay."

"We'll all be there in a few weeks for Christmas I think we'll stay through the Inauguration."

"Good. That'll be good."

"Sam?"

"Josh?"

"I'm proud of you."

Sam's head tilted to the side briefly before Josh stuck his hand out. Sam took it to shake it and was surprised when he pulled him in.

"Do good Mr. President." He told him softly as he pulled away and started back up the stairs. He could hear the wild life starting to come alive and it would only be a few hours until the children were up. He knew Donna was waiting for him upstairs, he took them with out looking back.

* * *

Nothing's really making any sense at all  
Let's talk, let's ta-a-alk  
Let's talk, let's ta-a-alk

* * *

**A/N Sorry it's been so long. One more chapter. Just some clean up.**

**Hope you like it. Please Review.**

**Lori**


	30. Into the West

**A/N** I had to put this story to bed. It didn't want to go. I had many second thoughts.. And many second drafts! If anyone would like to jump all over any of the million stories I have started in the attempt to end this one.. Feel free to use my characters! I just ask that you be true to the persona's I've given them.

Hope this ending does the story justice.. I love this story.

* * *

**Into The West **_

* * *

Lay down  
Your sweet and weary head  
Night is falling  
You've come to journey's end

* * *

**(Present)** _

"This is how Mom wanted it." Nick breathed leaning back against the pew, rubbing his forehead with his thumb and index finger. "She said people used to worry about how Dad would do with out her, but she didn't want to know what she would do with out Dad."

"I know." Noah Lyman swallowed hard before turning to face his brother. "Still , he used to joke about her finally getting a life once he was gone. Getting a life.. Like they didn't have more than-.."

"Yeah."

"The motorcade wants to start moving towards the cemetery." Sam clapped a hand down on each of the boys shoulders. "We should get the kids in the car."

Nick nudged his older brother towards the sidewalk.

"She wanted more time with them." He whispered.

Sam smiled sadly at him before glancing around at the small crowd the Lyman Seaborn family made. "Where's Josh?"

"He was in the back." Joanie huffed tilting her head towards the rear of the cathedral. Sam laid his hand on her arm.

"I'll get him."

* * *

_Sleep now  
And dream of the ones who came before  
They are calling  
From across the distant shore

* * *

**(Two years ago)**_

"Johanna I'm telling you your missing a whole demographic if you don't comment on this."

"Daddy I'm telling you I'll loose a whole county if I do!"

"PFFFFT!"

"Dad your wrong about this."

"I'm-. I'm wrong! Donnatella your daughter just told me I was-."

"Dad! I appreciate it. I really do. I value your opinions but I have to make my own-."

"I'm serious Donna! My whole life devoted to getting people elected to office, ruling the country, and raising incredibly brilliant but pig headed children and your daughter tells me that I'm-."

"Daddy!"

"Yeah?"

"I have to do this my way. I have to make a name for myself, just like Mom did when-."

"Okay. No need to-."

"Daddy It's been thirty seven years can you get over that already?"

"_Probably not."_

"Dad?"

"Joanie?"

"You do under-."

"I understand. I'm proud of you. Sweetheart."

"Thanks Daddy."

* * *

_Why do you weep?  
What are these tears upon your face?  
Soon you will see  
All of your fears will pass away  
Safe in my arms  
You're only sleeping

* * *

**(Before they left for New Hampshire)** _

"Mrs. Lyman?"

"Donna?" Josh ran his hand down his wife's arm.

"Humm?"

"He asked if you had any questions."

"Questions?"

"About the procedure.." Josh raised and eyebrow at her.

"Oh.. " She took his hand loosely in hers. "No I um did some research.."

"Okay then. I just need you both to sign-." He gestured towards the clip board Josh was holding.

"Josh?" Her other arm jet across her body and she clamped down on his forearm.

"Yeah?" He turned to face her.

"Don't sign it." She said breathlessly still starring straight ahead.

"Seriously?" He quirked his face up, pointing the pen at the paper.

"Don't." Her face turned until her eyes finally found his.

"Okay." The word slipped out in a breathless sigh. He looked at the doctor. "Sorry.."

"It's okay. It's not the first canceled vasectomy in the world." The man smiled shaking his head back and forth slowly, as he walked towards the door of the exam room. "Mr. Lyman.. Ma'am."

"You want a baby?" His voice got all high at the end.

"I may.. in fact.. want a baby." She squeaked biting her lip firmly.

"I'm fifty five years old."

"Yes." She nodded.

"That's old."

"Yes." She nodded again.

"We have four children…" She slowly extended each of her fingers. "and Leo."

"Yes." Donna flicked up a fifth finger

"You're the.."

"First Lady..- yes I know.."

"And I'm-."

"Just some guy.." She grinned a little. "I'm aware."

"And you still want to have my baby?" Again with the voice thing.

"Apparently so."

"God I love you."

* * *

_What can you see  
On the horizon?  
Why do the white gulls call?  
Across the sea  
A pale moon rises  
The ships have come to carry you home

* * *

_

**(Present)**

"Josh?" Sam looked a the rumpled mess of brown hair leaned back against the pew. "Josh it's time to go." Joshua Samuel Seaborn's head dropped slightly to the left before he craned back and blinked at his grandfather. "It's time to go."

"He was going to help me run for class President."

"I can help you. I was you know.. President.." The ten year old looked at him dubiously. "I watched your Pop work.. Learned a lot.."

"Nana was going to make cookie pops that said 'Vote Josh'." He sniffed wiping a tear from his cheek. "You can't make cookie pops."

"No.. but your aunt AJ can. She's good at that stuff." He moved around the pew and settled next to his grandson. "Nana taught her."

"I have to live in DC now." He said softly.

"Josh, that hasn't been worked out yet-."

"My Mom's the Jr. Senator from New Hampshire."

"You could come to California with me during the session."

"I'd miss New Hampshire."

"We don't have to figure it out now." He took the boys hand a gave it a soft tug. "Right now we have to get in the car."

"To put them in the ground."

"To say goodbye."

"I don't want to."

"Me either." Sam blew a puff of air out of his lips.

"Josh?" Congressmen Johanna Seaborn's heals clicked across the marble floor. "Uncle Sam? It's time to go."

"We're coming."

* * *

And all will turn  
To silver glass  
A light on the water  
All souls pass

* * *

**(The start of Sam's second term)**

"Excuse me!" Josh Lyman wrapped firmly on the desk. "My wife's in labor."

"If you'd fill this out some one will be with you-." It was only when she looked up to hand him the clip board that she saw the secret service agents.

"Yeah.. We're way past that."

"Mr. Lyman." She said in mild alarm.

"Yes." He smiled his most charming smile. "Josh Lyman.."

"JOSH!" Donna growled from the chair he'd dropped her in.

"Yeah. So. Unless you want the Former First Lady to have give birth on the floor of your waiting room.." He moved back towards her, sinking down to her side. She grabbed his shirt.

"Right this way." The woman said quickly.

"No." Donna cried pushing against the armrest of the chair.

"Wheelchair?" The nurse asked sounding almost hopefully.

"Joooshhh!"

"Blankets." Josh said knowingly, coaxing Donna until she was on her feet beside him. Someone had gotten a gurny in the small room. One of the secret service agents lifted her onto it.

"I need a doctor out here! Don't push Mrs. Lyman."

Donna's moans became amused for a second before she bore down again.

"Too late." Josh muttered as his wife grit her teeth and screamed through them. "Catch."

"Huh?" The nurse looked at him dazed.

"Move." Josh muttered in experienced exasperation. And there was Ainsley Beth Lyman, silent and pink, studying her father with squinting blue eyes like he knew the mysteries of life. Josh Lyman was once again instantly in love.

* * *

_Hope fades  
Into the world of night  
Through shadows falling  
Out of memory and time

* * *

_

**(Present)**

"Bethie?" AJ settled down next to her little sister, readjusting her sleeping two year old around her.

"Hi."

"You okay?"

"Yeah." She shook her head with a smile. "I'm fine."

"Really?"

"Yeah.. I.. Age?"

"Yeah."

"Joshie's worried." She stopped gazing across the room where her sister and brother in law stood. She watched Leo run his hands through his son's hair. "About having to come live here.."

"To DC?"

"Yeah." She swallowed hard. "I was thinking. About him staying in New Hampshire.. With me."

"Beth you're twenty two years old. The last thing you need is a ten year old." AJ watched as her sister studied their nephew with a familiar intensity. "Oh God you have Dad's face on."

"Yeah.." The youngest Lyman child huffed pulling herself to her feet. "He's gonna stay with me."

AJ's face twitched slightly before breaking into a grin.

"Like father like daughter." She whispered raising her eyes towards the ceiling.

"What's up sis?"

"Bethie's as much Dad as you are mom." AJ sighed turning her eyes up to her twin.

"Yes."

"She should be President."

"She will be." They sat in silence, contemplating the weight of that statement.

"What about you? What are you gonna be when you grow up little brother?"

"Three minutes and I'm forever younger?"

"Hey if you get to claim my getting stuck in the birth canal as an assassination attempt-."

"Fair enough." He took a deep breath before turning to his twin. "I have no idea what I'm gonna do now."

"Yeah?"

"I think Noah needs me to stay in DC." Nick huffed, letting his eyes slip to the sky. "He's not taking this well. Someone's going to have to push him through the primaries, honestly.."

"God you really are Mom."

"Why?"

"Honestly? I ask you what your going to do and you start talking about Noah."

"He's my brother."

"And your mine." She countered.

"Age I'm fine." He shook his head. "Noah's the Chairman of the DNC!"

"So that makes him-?"

"AJ, Joanie and Leo have each other. You and I have each other. Beth has Joshie to worry about.."

"Noah has Marcie." She nodded her head towards her sister in law.

"It's not the same." He smiled at his sister. "It's one thing to have known Mom and Dad after DC…"

"Yeah."

"He's gotta work in DC.."

"I get it."

"And now.. Being compared to Dad everyday for the next thirty years.."

"Okay I get it."

"So." He looked at her for a few seconds. "Since my other plans didn't work out. I'm gonna pull a Mom and stay here and be Noah's right hand."

* * *

_Don't say: 'We have come now to the end'  
White shores are calling  
You and I will meet again

* * *

_

**(Fifteen years earlier)**

"Ma?"

"I'm in Daddy's office."

"You know Dad hasn't used it in like ten years. I think you can safely call it your office now." Noah Lyman kissed his mothers cheek.

"I only do that when he's around." She grinned.

"Uncle Sam says your writing?"

"I'm writing." Donna blew a strand of hair away from her face. "Is Johanna here yet?"

"No." Noah looked away.

"She's not bringing someone to the wedding?" He heard the lilt in his mothers voice. "Cause the way she and AJ have been eating up cell phone minutes I was pretty sure there was a new guy."

"Yeah I don't know." Noah lied. "I'm gonna go find the kids."

"Noe?" Her first born turned back towards her. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah." He told her making his way back out the door.

She watched him push past Sam in the hall way.

"What's going on?"

"He's got side kick syndrome."

"Huh?"

"God Donna are you the last person that doesn't know?"

"Know what?"

"That our children are dating."

"What?"

"Leo and Joanie are dating."

"When did this..?"

"A few months ago."

"Months?" Sam nodded. "And Noah has Sidekick syndrome?"

"Yes."

"Sidekick syndrome?"

"Donna, you know that Josh and I were friends forever before he met you right?"

"Yes."

"And you know that in the beginning, at least on the surface? The three of us were buddies right?"

"Of course."

"Then you two evolved."

"We evolved."

"Yes." He sighed. "Your and Josh's relationship evolved beyond ours. And it didn't mean we wouldn't all still jump in front of us a bus for each other-."

"What does that mean."

"Donna.."

"Sorry.."

"But.. You know it's hard when you realize your getting left behind."

"You didn't get.." Her voice trailed off and she looked at him sadly. "Sam.."

"Honestly Donna.. I'm over it."

"So Noah will get over it?"

"He'll be fine."

"Leo and Joanie.." She looked up just in time to see Josh wander through the door. "Did you know about Leo and Joanie?"

"What about them?" He asked absently, a small smile slipped over her lips.

"Maybe you should let your side kick tell you."

* * *

_And you'll be here in my arms  
Just sleeping_

* * *

(Present) 

"I've been looking all over for you." Leo Seaborn sighed coming to a hault in front of his childhood bedroom.

"Ella wanted to sleep with Marcie. I got booted. " Noah Lyman rolled onto his side on the twin bed.

"The sisters are all camped out in there now. " Josh flipped over on the top bunk. Leo stopped to examine his son's sleeping form for a few seconds.

"Bethie says my son wants to stay here."

"We did didn't we?"

"I guess so." He rolled his eyes. "It's hard to remember not wanting to be in Washington. Can you remember when this was Nanna's?"

"Sure."

"Yeah?"

"I remember before Dad got shot." Noah slipped onto his back and studied the bunk above him . "I remember your mom."

"Do you really remember _her_ or just that she was there?"

"The difference is?" Noah watched Leo step gingerly over his niece and son before sitting beside him on the bed.

"Josh.. He.." Leo swallowed before turning to his surrogate father. "He knew his grandfather. What made him laugh. What he smelled like. What he sounded like.."

Noah nodded in understanding.

"I don't remember any of that do you?"

"No." Noah looked down at the kids on the floor.

"They'll know about them. But they won't know _them.." _Leo took a breath.

"The won't remember." Noah breathed.

"I will." The small voice startled both of them. Leo craned his head back and looked at his son. "I'll remember Dad. I promise."

"Hey. We thought you were asleep." Leo pulled his son off the top bunk and onto his lap.

"I'll remember."

Noah put his hand on his nephews leg.

"Sure you will buddy." He huffed. "We'll help you. "

* * *

What can you see  
On the horizon?  
Why do the white gulls call?

* * *

**(Twenty two years ago)**

Josh could hear them coming before the Agents even swept the room.

"We're crazy." He grinned, looking towards Donna propped up on the pillows. "Listen to that."

"That Joshua Lyman is the future generation of Democratic Leadership." Donna grinned.

"What if they want to be plumbers or something?"

"Probably not."

"Which room is it?"

"Do I get to hold her?"

"I need to go potty!"

"I want ten eyes on me!" Ana's voice broke through the children. _"Thank you! Johanna please take your sister to the bathroom. Wash her hands so that you both can have a turn holding your sister in room… Noah?" _

"314"

"Thank you."

Ana's voice broke through the children. 

"The future looks good." Josh told his wife as the mass of Lyman's busted through the door.

* * *

_Across the sea  
A pale moon rises  
The ships have come to carry you home

* * *

**(Somewhere)** _

"Josh.."

"Sir."

"Josh."

"Leo!"

"You did good, Son."

"It's time this time." Jed told him nodding his head slowly.

"Wait.."

"Josh come on.. I know you planned on being late for your own funeral…" Leo sighed.

"No.. wait I.."

"She's right behind you son." Jed said softly.

"Joshua.." Donna smiled softly at her husband extending her hand to him. "Sir. Leo."

"Hello Sweetheart."

"Donna, you ready?"

She felt Josh squeeze her hand.

"Let's do this thing."

* * *

_And all will turn  
To silver glass  
A light on the water  
Grey ships pass  
Into the West_

"And in other news tonight, Presidential Advisor Joshua Lyman and his wife former First Lady Donnatella Lyman were laid to rest to day in our nations capital. The Lyman's were killed in a single car accident last Tuesday while returning to New Hampshire from South Carolina where they were vacationing.

The Lyman's are survived by their five children, four grandchildren and many close friends.

President Young appeared to day with his wife Zoey at his side to make this statement.

"The Lyman's were family to us, and true patriots for there country. While we will miss them, we take comfort in the knowledge that they have found peace at the end of there journey in the same manor that they lived their life.. Together."


End file.
